"We are best friends Hammy, I think we should stop it at this point," She seemed very nervous, like she didn't want to open up to me.
I was pretty nervous and scared too, but I leaned closer, and I dreaded pushing myself away; she closed her eyes. I took it as a good sign and finally pressed my lips against hers softly.
I moved my lips on hers, and she kissed back; I was pretty shocked that she kissed back, but I relaxed and enjoyed the kiss.
After we pulled away, I felt awkward and looked away from her into the scenery through the window, "Hammy, you're so stupid, you just freaking kissed me," she said smiling, and the tension was broken just like that.
We went downstairs happy and got busy packing the rest of her things, everything was finally okay, and I felt like the happiest person on the planet.
"Hammy," She called me, and I looked up from what I was doing on my phone, "Where is the gift that you were going to give me today?"
"Oh, I'm sorry, It's already ready, and I have to pick it up from the shop," I reply to her, "Don't worry, I'm going to pick it from the store now, then come and hand it to you."
"Okay then," she replied, smiling faintly before leaving, and I left the house to the city, then the shop. I picked up the gift, a silver ring and headed back home, hoping she would love my present for her.
When I got back home, I called for Mary then searched her room, but she was nowhere to be seen, I tried her number, and after the third try, she finally picked up.
"Mary, where you are?" I asked her as soon as she picked up.
"Don't worry about me," She replied, "I am at the airport, and my flight is about to leave."
"You should have informed me," I said, my voice becoming shaky, "I thought we had enough time till the evening."
"I didn't want to," She said, "After everything that happened yesterday and this morning, I just couldn't face you again."
"Oh," I reply in my most dejected voice, "as you wish."
"I love you, Hammy."
"I love you too," I replied her.
"I have to go now," She says, "I'll call you when I reach England. Bye."
"Take care of yourself, bye," I told her sadly and put my phone down.
My parents came to me and asked about her, then I told them about her leaving; apparently, they weren't aware themselves.
I felt so sad and dejected as I went back to my room, dragging my feet.
What I was most afraid of happened, she had a boyfriend. I was perplexed about what happened because I believed that Mary would have told me, but I decided to not question her about it. If she wanted me to know, she would tell me.
After a while, she finally texted me; we texted back and forth for a while, then she went offline without saying bye. I kept thinking about her all through the night.
I called her regularly the days after that, and we talked for a short moment; her voice showed that she wasn't delighted to talk to me. It was as if she was trying to hide something from me. I think she was torn between her boyfriend and me then she decided to go with him.
She kept giving me one word or uninterested answers and made it evident that she wanted to stop talking to me.
One day she didn't pick up my call, so I sent her a message on Twitter.
Me: Hey Mary, why don't we talk much now?
Mary: Look, Hammy, I wanted to clear out something. First of all, you are not my boyfriend whom I should listen to. Second, that kiss was a mistake and nothing else. It was you who forced yourself on me; I never wanted that to happen.
I don't think it ever stops hurting, giving somebody the best of you and watching them chose someone else.
It took me a while to decide, but she was my first love and the fact that she kissed me back the other day meant that she felt something for me no matter how much and was pushing it down, so I decided to carry on trying to convince her because I was assured I couldn't live without her.
I put in a lot of effort to talk to her as often as I possibly could. I tried my best to be the sweetest I could be towards her, but she kept giving me mixed signals, some days, she responded to me, complete with emotions and love, but the next moment, she pushed me away and encouraged me leave her alone.
Days passed by, months rolled by; I still continued talking to her. It was hard but definitely worth it because she slowly started changing her attitude towards me from mostly indifference to bringing real with me, I was twenty at that time, and she was eighteen.
She started opening up to me, she would tell me every little thing, and I would listen. Those were my favourite times. I loved hearing her talk to me.
I used to write songs for her and send her voice notes because I knew how she loved music; I even took a few singing classes, although I still wasn't as great a singer as most other people.
After a while, things started going wrong again, she started getting angry at the things I tried for her, and she saw my songs as boring, redundant lines.
I used to meet with my old friend (Anah) too at these times. I had sorted out all things with her and so that she won't get hurt again.
I told myself that I had to love her on the rainy days when she was moody and irritable with me as much as I did when everything was going well, so I decided to ignore her flaws and pushed myself harder towards her ignoring the fact that it kept getting more challenging every day.
Then a time came that whenever I tried calling her in the night, her phone was always busy, she told me that she had no other boyfriend and that she loved me, but her words didn't seem trustworthy, my trust in her started falling, and I knew that would lead to something terrible, if I gave up I knew I would suffer later for losing the love of my life.
I knew that long-distance relationships always had issues, so I decided to take a short trip to England to meet her, that way we could clear all the misunderstandings between us and I was sure she would love the surprise.
My music classes were ending that week, and I made plans to travel the week after that. I planned my trip in two days and informed my parents and Mary's mum, it was a secret between us because I wanted it to be a big surprise for Mary.
The day of my trip finally came; I woke up on cloud nine, ready for anything; I was so excited to see her again.
I informed Anah about my plan, and she offered to drop me at the airport, which I gladly accepted.
Everything was set, my flight was in a few hours, and I was mentally ready to surprise my babe. I couldn't help my anxious thoughts as I walked into the aeroplane; I tapped my feet as the plane took off.
All through the flight, I was picturing the scene where I would surprise her over and over. I would ring the doorbell, Mary would open the door to see me in front I d the door holding out a flower to her, she would pull me into a warm hug in delight, and if her excitement is that much, she will kiss me right there in front of her door.
The pilot's voice interrupted my daydreaming as he announced that the passengers should fasten their seat belts as the plane was about to land, I complied, feeling my anxiety peak, and soon enough, the plane was back on land.
After some time, I came out of the airport and headed towards a taxi which would lead me towards Mary's home. I was wearing headphones with loud music and a smile on my face.
The taxi passed by a florist's, and I told the driver to stop, I bought flowers for my sweetie, and the journey was back on track.
After some time, I reached my destination; I was standing in front of Mary's home. I took a deep breath then rang the bell; I rang twice before I sensed somebody on the other side making to open the door.
I was entirely sure that it would be Mary, but it was her mom, my face fell, and I thought for a moment that my surprise was ruined, but at least her mum was glad that I came.
I waited in Mary's home for some time when I was informed that Mary was still at school; apparently, she had an evening lecture. I waited anxiously till I couldn't help it again, picked my gift and flowers for her and went towards Mary's school.
Mary didn't know I was coming, so the element of surprise will still be there. When I got to university, it got lost trying to find her faculty, but I finally did; some students were hanging around the faculty entrance, so I went there to ask them if they knew Mary.
I was heading towards them, but I couldn't because I saw Mary coming with her friends from inside the faculty. She obviously couldn't see me since I was far away from her; I started to smile widely from seeing her.
I saw her coming with a guy. He looked much older than Mary. And looked like a big jerk to me.
I strode towards Mary but still was at a distance as she couldn't see me directly. The jerk looking guy, I think, was her boyfriend, I guess! He came closer to her, grabbed her by the waist tightly, pulling her close to him. She flushed against him and quickly ducked her head down in some shyness. He was all flirt and teasing, putting his hands at the nape of her neck, tilting her head at a good angle and smashing his lips on hers! Their lips moving together in a synchronized manner!
I stilled in my movements, gazing at the scene enrolling in front of me. All this while, my brain seemed to stop its functioning! The flowers and gift bag slipped from my hands only to kiss the ground with a small 'thud'. I wasn't able to believe neither understood what was happening!
While still kissing her boyfriend, Mary opened her eyes, and her gaze fell directly on me since the jerk's back was facing me. She stilled in her movements, her eyes wide. In disbelief and shock! I could see fear gripping her slowly. Her expressive face said it all! I still could read her better than she thinks I can!
Her eyes seemed to be fixed on me as her boyfriend got irritated by her lack of response. She tried to stop her boyfriend from his ministrations on her body.
"What happened, babe! Don't spoil the moment."
Her boyfriend said, being irritated! Trying to continue his ministration, placing an open mouth kiss on her neck. Mary didn't answer him, her haze still towards me. She was speechless, not able to explain anything.
Her boyfriend couldn't take it anymore. He looked at her with questioning eyes and followed her haze until it fell on me.
"Who the fuck are you? Just get going on your job, dude. Get lost, you motherfucker "
He snarled, clearly not liking to be disturbed. I just kept my eyes stilled on Mary. Her boyfriend ignored me turned back to his work left undone. Mary was trying to stop him now, but he seemed to be not in the mood to do that. He forcefully bit her neck!
All the anger and rage hit me with full force. I strode furiously towards them. Pushed the guy away from Mary and punched him. He fell to the ground. I pulled him up again to punch him square on the jaw. He gained his balance and flung his arm to my stomach, and threw another punch towards me. I blocked him, punching him hardly I said
"Don't you dare touch my girl; she is mine!"
We continued to fight, which turned severe. Mary was trying to stop us. She came in between us, stopping us. "Stop it, guys, don't create any trouble here "the fight finally came to a stop.
Mary ran towards her boyfriend, touching his bruised face running hands to other parts where I had hit him. She was so concerned for him.
"Baby, are you okay? I am so sorry on behalf of him, is it hurting too much? "She whispered in a caring tone.
Then turned towards me,
"How dare you?
How can you hurt him like that?
Are you out of your mind?
I am ashamed of you! I feel ashamed to even be related to you!! You don't understand that I don't want to be with you?
Do you?
I am tired of pretending I don't have any feelings towards you! Get the hell out of my life; I just don't want your presence in my life! Just stop disturbing the peace of my life!
She screamed her lungs out, stressing each word expressed.
"Pretending" is that what she had been doing all along?
Just pretending! "You have been pretending? Pretending to be with me. Be my best friend. the person with whom I shared the best moments of my life, the secrets, the beautiful memories with, heck, the one I am in love with, was just pretending all along! "I screamed, although my voice was heavy with the emotions and cracked at the end.
"I love you, Mary, I loved you from when I didn't even know what the actual meaning of it is!! I shared so many good memories with you; thank you for that, even though you pretended I was not!! Thank you for coming into my life!! Thank you for giving me the best gift of betrayal you played all along!! Just thank you for everything! Goodbye!! Have the extraordinary life you wanted! "
I said softly. My heart was sinking with each word I heard from Mary today, falling into the endless pit of hopelessness and helplessness! I was breathing heavily, drained out of all emotions. Walking away from her was painful, but betrayal hurts the most! I didn't know where I was walking or running, but I didn't want this feeling.
I don't want to feel it!
I just want it to stop.
I just want to stop feeling altogether!!
Just when you feel you can no longer bear more pain, it just intensifies more.
Walking endlessly in irrational thoughts, not knowing what to do anymore! I didn't know when I reached the park; the weather was totally opposite of my inner turmoil. I went and sat on a seat with all the sad thoughts still lurking around. The shrill voice of the phone ringing snapped me out of my sad thoughts. I looked around, later realized it was my phone which was ringing!
While receiving the call, little did I know of the awakened storm of my life.
Life is unexpected. It takes you to the clouds, but without any warning, it pushes you down from so high that you don't even know if you could ever stand on your own feet again. It fills you with so much hopelessness you don't even know when you are going deeper into it, just deeper in the pit of darkness even though there is so much brightness around. You could not see the light. Just pitch blackness fills inside, consuming you in a prolonged, agonizing manner.
I never knew the drastic turns of his life. I never knew that this would be my position.
When I picked the call, I never knew the left pieces of my small world will be shattered! I just never knew. Anything!!
Flashback:
I saw my mother's name flashing on the screen. I cleared my throat, desperately trying to get rid of the lump.
"Hello ", I greeted, my voice gruff.
"Hi, is this Mr Hammy speaking?" the voice from the other side inquired.
"Yes, speaking ", I answered a negative feeling surrounding him. "This is Officer James speaking from Istanbul police station. We have recovered this cell from an accident spot; it had the last call log to your number. We have contacted you to verify the dead bodies! "
I couldn't reply to anything. I was going insane and just wanted all of this to be a dream, a nightmare. I wanted to wake up from this terrible nightmare.
End of flashback
I couldn't think anything. I didn't even know what to do anymore. I just want to come out of it all.
On reaching Istanbul holding onto MY last thread of sanity, I headed over to the police station. My subconscious mind doing all the activities. I found myself in front of 2 dead bodies covered in a plain white sheet in no time. My body moving on its own accord. I moved my hands, moving the sheet from their faces which froze me into that spot. In front of me, there were the faces of the ones who brought me to the world. Those who were by my side, supporting me, encouraging me, my inspiration. The loving face of my mother, now adorned with horrible scratches gotten during the accident. The ever so strong and stern man, his inspiration, was now lying motionless in front of me.
They were dead. They left me all alone to face the cruelty in this world. I didn't want to do that. I just wanted to lay on my mother's lap with her delicate fingers on my hair. Calming me down. Fighting all the worries I had on his mind. I wanted my father's wise words, the fun patting on his back by me, the motivating words he would say.
I wanted to at least tell them that I loved them. I was sorry for hurting my parent's feelings when I was angry, for ignoring them. But realized it's late. Just late to do that now. I regretted it, tears streaming down. Those were tears, tears for everything I felt. Sorrow, remorse, guilt, hatred, hopelessness.