Chapter 8: Chapter Eight: Marry Me

Chapter Eight: Marry Me

‘I'M MARRIED TO A VERY UNUSUAL PERSON, BUT MAYBE IT TOOK A VERY UNUSUAL PERSON TO BE WILLING TO MARRY ME.’ -FIONA SHAW

The entire world spun around Elijah as he processed what the corny lord had just asked of him—or more accurately, asked of the princess who was now dead and replaced by a boy not even remotely attracted to men. Strangely, he wasn’t thinking about anything, not even what he would respond, he was just shocked that he had just been asked to marriage by a man he’d just met.

Why are you so shocked? You aren’t even used to this body yet, nor are you used to being a princess, so what about this surprises you?

I don’t know what to say, Elijah responded. I never expected a man to propose to me!

It happens, I say with a metaphorical shrug.

I think I understood what you meant by it. I just…can’t think right now; this is a lot.

“Amy?” Thomas asked, his face full of concern once more as he knelt in front of her, the ring held high in a promise of eternal matrimony. Thinking quickly, Elijah wracked his brain to find anything he could say; anything that would be right to say. He knew his Guide was saying something to him, but he couldn’t even focus on his thoughts anymore, his only preoccupation now was what he would say next. Say something nice, he told himself, and something a princess would say…

“No, I can’t,” He said before he could stop himself, then his eyes widened as the Guide cursed him in his head, screaming at the top of her lungs about how stupid he was. Thomas’ face fell in clear disappointment and when he spoke, it was in a defeated and hurt tone that made Elijah feel sorry for him, although it was only for a second.

“Why not?” Thomas wondered. “Am I not good enough?”

“I’m just not ready,” Elijah responded. “I’m really young, and I have so much to do, if I have to worry about a husband…” Help me out here, Guide.

You got into this mess, get yourself out, smartass.

You’re my Guide, you’re supposed to help!

Not when you ignore my specific instructions.

AAAAAARRRRGHHHHHH!

“I understand,” the Lord told him, standing up and pocketing the ring, and smiling tentatively. “It’s not a definite no, just a temporary one.”

It’s definite alright, Elijah thought to himself, but out loud he reassured the pathetic heir. “Yes, it’s temporary. When I’m ready, I’ll say yes.”

“Of course, my lady,” Thomas said, practically jumping for joy, causing Elijah to roll his eyes.

I still can’t believe you fell for this…man-child. I may be immature, but at least I have the excuse of being sixteen, while this hunk is eighteen, and should know better!

Aw, I think it’s sweet.

Of course you do.

And you think two years makes that much of a difference, Amanda? His Guide asked him, scoffing. You clearly know so much, I don’t know how you could possibly ever be not knowledgeable about something.

I get it, I get it, but I still think my point stands.

No, it’s basically crawling at this point, so you should just put it out of its misery at this point.

Have I ever told you how much I hate you?

Aw, I hate you too.

“Princess?” The Lord looked at her in expectation. “May I take you on a walk?”

Of course, my lord, His Guide provided. But say it in a teasing tone, to put him at ease.

“Of course, my lord,” Elijah responded immediately, reaching out with her hand, and Thomas took it, smiling. “Where shall you take me?”

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Thomas took him—her? He wasn’t even sure anymore—to the third district, and from there, they just ambled around, Elijah looking pointedly forwards, and the Lord staring pointedly at Elijah.

This is common, the Guide explained to him. Often, you both will just walk around the city and see where it takes you. You should get used to it, because it will be very common.

I’ve never liked pointless walks.

It isn’t really that pointless, Guide Amanda told him.

How so?

You’ll see.

The city itself was like Elijah had already seen, but as he focused on every different house, he realized how each individual part seemed just as important to the city as the whole. Each inn and house and shop only added to the overall atmosphere of the city, making it more homely. The more Elijah saw, the more he understood that Advantia really could be home. Not to him, obviously, he didn’t belong here, but it did seem like it could be home to someone else. Was this what medieval towns looked like?

“I heard about the dragon ceremony!” Thomas exclaimed as he put his hand in Elijah’s, who let him reluctantly.

“Um…yeah, that,” Elijah smiled. “I heard about it too.” What is he talking about? I heard the queen, mother, step-mother, whatever she is now, speaking on it too, but I still don’t understand what it is. It’s not a real dragon, right?

Ha! His guide laughed. A real dragon! Imagine, or maybe you won't have to… I’ll let you figure it out when the time comes, but I’m sure you’ll love it.

“Are you excited for it?” Thomas asked. “If I was in your position, I’d be so happy.”

“Yes, I’m excited,” Elijah said, then decided to be honest—at least, honest enough to sound realistic. “But I’m dreading it a little, too. I’m just a tiny bit nervous.”

“Never known you to be a nervous gal, but I guess when it comes to dragons, it makes sense,” the Lord smiled at her. “You’ll do a wonderful job, I know it.”

“If I die, it’s your fault.”

Thomas laughed. “If you die, I’m going with you.”

Is this guy stupid?

Maybe a little, Guide Amanda admitted. But you have to admit, the man is dedicated!

Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“That’s sweet,” Elijah lied to Thomas, smiling through gritted teeth. Thomas didn’t seem to notice, instead finding a shop and stopping next to it.

“Are you hungry, your majesty?”

“A little,” Elijah admitted. “What do you have in mind?”

“Dragonbreath Cakes.”

What is he talking about?

You’ll see, his Guide cackled.

Every time you say it, something bad happens. I don’t like the sound of this.

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Elijah cursed himself as he took a bite of the Dragonbreath Cake. He didn’t know what this monstrosity was made of, but it looked like a big cupcake with the top hollowed out and filled with a strange goopy substance. At first, the taste was wonderful, a sweet, tangy texture that stroked and pleased his taste buds, and he’d almost groaned in delight when the taste had first hit him.

Then came the spice.

It seemed like from one second to another, the sweet taste had been changed for a buttload of peppers, making it seem like his mouth had caught fire, and he was sure that to anyone watching, his face was turning red. Unable to hold it in, he opened his mouth and, to his immense shock, a gush of flame truly did come out, although not enough to hurt anyone as it only flew for a couple inches and quickly dissipated.

“Oh, that one was weak,” Lord Thomas smiled evilly, taking a bite from his own cake and letting out a belch, the flames flying for a whole foot or two. “Come on, you know how to do this, Amy!”

Elijah was too busy recovering from the heat to respond, instead turning his ire to the malicious Guide cackling in his head.

Why the hell didn’t you warn me about this?

Where was the fun in that? Guide Amanda teased. Would you really have preferred it if you would’ve known what would happen before you ate it?

Yes!

“Amy? Are you okay?”

Nodding, Elijah hacked to sell the idea of catching something in his throat.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just…ate this wrong. Give me a minute, and I’ll be fine.”

With a shrug, Thomas took another bite of his Dragonbreath Cake, belching right afterwards, and, while the flames weren’t as long this time, they stayed in the air for upwards of ten seconds.

Are these made with magic? Elijah asked as he took another bite, ready for the spiciness of the cake this time.

Oh, I never bothered to know, came the response, but you can’t make it with conventional methods, now, can you? So I assume some form of sorcery was used, or possibly a strange ingredient from a neighboring country. It’s just not worth it to understand why something happens, do you…Amanda?

Elijah wasn’t listening anymore, as the kick set in and he didn’t even bother to keep it in this time. Leaping from his mouth eagerly, the flames leapt forwards as soon as he gasped, but he didn’t bother to see how far they went, although, judging from Thomas’s excited and envious gasp, he assumed it had gone far enough.

“I think I need to see a bathroom,” He admitted, looking at the Lord.

“You can see that one all you want, it’s right there.”

“I meant to use it,” Elijah glared, standing up like a princess—Ha! You wish!—and walking stiffly towards the unisexual wash closet.

There he vomited all over the toilet, his puke beet red, matching the anger that still flowed towards his guide. Over and over he retched. At some point he stopped, but his chest still heaved long after, something he would’ve thought hot, except it was his own body.

“I’m going to murder you,” He promised his Guide, snarling. “One day I’ll find a way to murder a spirit guide, and you can’t imagine the satisfaction I have when I tear you apart.”

I can’t wait to see that day, she responded in her usual frustrating, chipper tone. And I’ll be waiting for it, too, just to see how you mess it up, just like you do everything else. Remember when I told you to lend your ear to me?

“Yeah, that was before you started to tease and edge me about everything!”

Edge? What do you mean by—oh! Oh, no, that’s horrible! Why would I—you are so depraved, Amanda!

“It’s just a phrase!”

A horrible one. What the hell is going on in your world?

“You don’t want to know.”

Clearly!

“Look, I need you to help me out here.” Elijah told her. “I can’t eat any more of this Dragonbreath thingy—”

Cake!

“Whatever, I just can’t, okay? So if you could please help me with…”

It’ll require a sacrifice.

“I’ll do anything!”

So, if one day I ask you to do something, and when you say no, I’ll remind you about today, and that means you have to do it, right?

“I will, I swear; just, please help me stop.”

Okay, follow my lead.

With a sigh of relief, Elijah walked out of the bathroom with the air of a demure princess, making sure to flash the Lord’s heir a smile as she returned. As soon as he sat down, the Guide began to speak, telling him what to say to Thomas, and thus Elijah began to speak sentences that didn’t make full sense to him, but did to the Lord, who nodded along.

“The Queen has requested that I be sequestered as I prepare myself for the dragon and the duties. I had not realized what the time was, and now it has slipped past me. I must be returning home, but I thank you for the time we had.”

“I understand,” the Lord responded. “May I walk you home?”

“What a gentleman!” Elijah exclaimed, eliciting a blush from the lord. To the guide, he said the same thing, yet in a sarcastic tone.

I help you out of the situation, and the first thing you do is insult the person who I once loved and who you now love!

I don’t love him!

You will learn to, or I promise there will be consequences!

Oh, really? What are you going to do about it?

Not me, dumbass. Imagine how everyone else will react!

Oh, damn!

So, you realize that?

No, I’m talking about Thomas!

The Lord was leaning in, and his intent was clear, turning Elijah’s heart to jelly, but not in a good way.

I can’t kiss him, he thought. I’m straight; I’ve never felt any romantic connection to any boy no matter how attractive they were.

So you like boys, then?

What, why would I like boys if I’m straight?

So you are gay? The Guide asked in a confused tone, and now it was Elijah’s turn to be confused.

I just said… I’m a straight man who loves women

You are now Princess Gold, a woman princess! Either you’re a lesbian or you like men! There is no other option, unless you’re in the middle

Fuck you.

Pulling away slightly, Elijah apologized to Thomas. “I can’t right now. I just have so much to process.”

Thomas’ face dropped and he stood up, helping the princess up. “I don’t know what’s wrong with you, Amy, but I hope you fix yourself. And when you do, I will be ready for you!”

Now look at what you’ve done. Everyone’s suspicious of you; you’re in deep water, princess. I just hope you know how to help yourself out of it.