Chapter 17: Chapter sixteen

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I didn’t see my life flash before my eyes.

What would I have seen? My tiny self nestling into my father’s jumper on the first day of school, gripping tightly onto his huge hand? My mother handing me my Hello Kitty lunchbox with tears in her eyes, wishing me good luck? Maybe I would see my brother as I dove into his room, grabbing an xbox controller and shooting whatever we could on the screen, high fiving as we did. Maybe I’d see Alex Harvey as he asked me to the cinema, my first boyfriend. I didn’t love him, of course I didn’t. How could anyone know love until now, how could anything ever be as intense as it is now? It was different here, people didn’t just love each other, they needed each other, were anchors for each other. I needed my brother, he was the only person alive right now who I could remember when I was young, the only person I shared hundreds and hundreds of memory with, my family, my life.

I knew all this, but I saw Keith.

As those arms reached to grab me, I saw Keith making me laugh in the car when everybody else was asleep, I saw us shouting Radiohead songs as he drove, I saw him getting frustrated as I refused to believe the creatures were zombies, saw him sheepishly watching me undress, saw him kissing me with everything he had, saw me doing the exact same. Thing is, I felt it too. My heart swelled as it happened and I knew I couldn’t run anymore, I couldn’t hide from myself. I’d been so furious that in this disaster I’d been distracted by a beautiful boy who called me sunshine, who called me pretty, who made me feel when my heart should have been hollow. I wanted to tell him right now, before everything disappeared and slipped through my fingertips.

I couldn’t though. I couldn’t because it lunged straight for me, pinning me down to the ground with a thud and another twist of my already throbbing leg. It spat and growled at me, grazing it’s teeth against my cheek. I could feel liquid dripping all over me, my arms, legs, face. Desperately I tried to keep my mouth closed to avoid it but it was so difficult with the pain I was in; faces of the people I was missing kept me shoving furiously, trying to launch the skinny infected’s body away from mine. This didn’t last long before it let out an almighty screech and everything around us went silent for a moment. I knew they were coming, I knew it.

With a new kind of frantic energy, I twisted my head away from its decomposed face where most of its skin had been ripped off, revealing the back of his jaw and lack of one eye. My hand reached out directly above me and clasped excruciatingly onto a thick branch of the thorn bush, letting the spikes sink into my hand.

‘Fuck…off!’ I panted the last word as my hand flew forward and snapped the branch, ramming it into the infected’s head. It wasn’t enough though because it only became dazed for a second before its biting got more furious, more hysterical. I didn’t need to think twice, once again I pulled back with effort and struck the back of its head, squeezing my eyes shut as blood showered everywhere, straight back onto my face, hair, clothes and hands. The body went limp and slumped heavily on top of me, blocking the view of the mass I could hear moving towards me. I'd managed to handle one, that didn’t mean I could handle a hundred more. I needed the boys, they needed me.

Soon I was scrambling to my feet, holding my hand over my mouth to ensure I didn’t cry out.

Fight the pain, fight the pain.

I was living on borrowed time at the moment and my god, would I use that time wisely. I did; I staggered forward, dodged an outstretched arm and made towards where the alley should have been. It was there, open for me to hobble into, panting heavily, loud enough I was sure everything within a mile radius would be able to hear.

‘Lucas’ I wheezed as I moved forward, eyes wearily looking down to my hand which was now pouring with blood, dripping down to the ground almost to leave a trail for anyone wanting to find me, ‘Keith, Percy… Mum, Joel…’

The alleyway seemed to get more and more narrow as my vision faded in an out, pain in my leg overwhelming. I was beginning to wonder if I’d broken it, if pure determination was keeping me walking. I would do anything, anything. Over ten minutes ago, this alleyway had been crawling with the walking dead but I didn’t care, I would only turn back around when I looked one in its empty eyes.

Brave. Was I being brave? I was being stupid, reckless.

Not brave.

I reached the spot where Keith and Percy had fallen – empty. Relief was the emotion which took over as I noted their lack of presence, quickly followed by worry. They were moving, able to move, that much kept me hopeful. But where had they gone with the whole crowd of dead?

Keep going.

I moved as fast as I could, biting the sides of my mouth to keep from shouting. I was well aware I had very little hope if I came face to face with one of them, I was being followed down the alleyway and there was no way I could scale the wall without help.

Help. Had it been only minutes ago we’d all been together, holding hope in our worn hands? Had it been a week ago that I was making plans for the future with my family, my friends, trips for when we turned eighteen, wishing time would hurry up?

Gone.

It still wouldn’t sink in, even when I was dragging myself through an alleyway, fighting for my life. What if I never found my brother again, what if I never found the boys? I’d die – but I’d rather die without them then walk out of this mess without them. Life after this, alone. Could I ever live a normal life again? Could I ever find jokes funny again, ever walk out of a house without checking every corner? Would I ever fall in love with somebody, go get married despite the fact they would never fully understand me, never fully know the hardest times of my life.

Keith knew. Keith had been there the whole time, Keith watched it all happen, he held my hand as it happened.

Not now, not now, just move.

‘Lucas!’ my voice screamed further than I ever could have intended it to, sounding desperate and pained. It sounded as though I was being attacked; I hadn’t wanted that, had I? What if they ran back to find me and got in trouble?

Move.

The end of the alley was coming up and I doubted I could make it. The pain was like nothing I had ever experienced  before, it was relentless.

Something stopped me dead in my tracks though, when I moved a hand up to my face to remove the sweat which was threatening to drip into my eyes. When I withdrew my hand, it was covered in deep red blood, almost black – it wasn’t my blood. That was the other hand which was pouring with liquid and my blood was not that dark, it was inhuman.

Oh shit, no, no... did that mean..?

I tentatively moved a finer round my face after wiping the blood on my jeans, ignoring the descending infected behind me. I touched my eyelids, my cheeks, nose, above my lips, chin, eyelashes… it was everywhere.

I was infected, I had to be. It would have touched my eyes, probably been on my lips, in my mouth. I had a headache, an awful one but I thought it was because of my leg, I thought it was all somehow linked to my stupid fall. I had thought I was infected once before though hadn’t I? when I was lying on the ground and Keith pulled me away from the infected man, he’d dripped blood all over me and I’d been fine.

He didn’t drip it onto my eyes though.

Oh no.

No.

We’d survive this fucking bombing, we’d come so far, so far. So had I, hadn’t I? I’d never felt so strong yet so weak, so independent yet so vulnerable. Everything was in perspective now. I could do things, I could. I could survive this but I couldn’t survive without these people around me.

‘Harley!’

Yes! It was a voice at the end of the alleyway, cautiously calling my name. Who was it? It had been too quick to distinguish one of the boys from another but one of them was calling to me, pulling me forward so quickly that I could see a silhouette at the mouth of the alleyway.

Percy.

‘Percy!’ I called, grinning in relief when he turned round and his mouth dropped open at my appearance. He moved quickly towards me, eyes wide as saucers.

‘Oh my god, what happened to you?’ He asked, looking me up and down as though his head was in a frenzy.

‘Doesn’t matter, where are they?’

‘We, uh…’ he couldn’t look me in the eyes but rather focused on something on the floor. I refused to worry until he explained.

‘Percy’ I pushed him, my voice rising an octave.

‘We got split up, all of us’ he said,raising his head, ‘They were everywhere, we thought if we split that they’d only follow one of us and well, it worked’.

By the emptiness of the opening which led to rows of houses, I knew they hadn’t followed Percy.. Which meant nothing I heard next could be good.

‘Who?’

‘Keith’ he said, eyes focusing to our left where a long winding road moved for as far as I could see. My heart sunk at his words, of course it was Keith. That boy was a danger zone, he should come with a yellow sign on his head. I knew he could lok after himself but I still panicked, wishing I was there so maybe I could try and help.

‘They didn’t follow Lucas?’ I prayed they hadn’t, I loved my brother but he worked best in a  team, I wasn’t sure how he would fare alone.

‘A couple but nothing threatening’.

‘They’re all threatening’ I countered, wiping the slowly drying blood from my forehead, ‘We need to find them’.

‘We’re supposed to meet back here in that shop when we find you, the only thing we can do is wait for them. What happened with you, Harley? They were going crazy, both of them but there were too many to climb back over the wall. I knew you’d be fine’ he sent a small smile my way and I felt a little better that I had him here with me. I knew he wanted me to explain but I took the breathing time to glance down at my leg, wincing when I saw it was actually visibly bent out of shape.

‘Woah’ Percy’s face paled, ‘I’m no doctor but…’

‘Broken?’ I grimaced.

‘I’d say so. How the hell did you walk on that?’

‘Ran’ I corrected him and I wondered why the infected behind me had stopped. I knew they didn’t stray away from a meal so something must have distracted them.

Lucas. Keith. Some other poor survivor although I’d see virtually none so far, they’d all died in what they thought was an evacuation. Poor, poor people.

‘You wanna head into the shop?’ he gestured towards a small antique shop on the other side of the road, bold and beautiful in a strange kind of way.

‘Not really’ I said simply, still waiting for the boys to come running round the corner, I desperately wanted to go find them but I knew the second I strayed away, I would become lost again and we’d never find each other.

‘They’ll come back’ Percy whispered as if sensing my deepest worries. I knew we should really be inside, standing out in the open when there could be dead just waiting to reach out and grab us wasn’t our smartest idea but I was being lead by my heart.

‘I know, but doesn’t mean I won’t stand out here waiting’.

‘Yeah, I understand, I would for my family’ he sighed,  averting his eyes from mine, ‘well, family and friend’.

‘They’d be proud’ I said awkwardly, not really knowing if it was too soon to refer to his family in the past tense. It wasn’t though, because he smiled fully and glanced towards the clouds gathering overhead.

‘Maybe. All I know though is that if they were here, I’d never let them go. I’d tell them everything I should have told them’. I sensed there was an underhand meaning in his words, it was clear from the way he tilted his head, narrowing his eyes at me as he spoke. I swore he even gestured towards me but I didn’t have to wonder for very long.

‘I know you and your brother have something amazing and honestly, I envy it. When you fell, he panicked, tried so hard to help you. Thing is, so did Keith. I don’t know how long you’ve known him but in the time I have, he’s kept a level head, I haven’t seen him crying, freaking out, making a scene. But when he got up off the floor and saw you were missing, he just went pale, I think I saw his heart stop. He tried so hard to get back over the wall and yelled so loud when he couldn’t. He was the first to take off after you, he was sweating and Harley, I think he actually cried while he was running. When he’s back… I’m just saying, I know better than anyone that leaving things unsaid can really, really hurt’.

Leaving things unsaid can really, really hurt.

His words ignited fires in my body, scared me, excited me, made me feel powerless and powerful all at the same time. Leaving things unsaid can really, really hurt. Maybe I knew that too, maybe I did. All those people I’d never see again – there was a chance here to save our lives and not just save me and rebuild my life, but rebuild it around the people I love, the people I’ve met. Like Keith and Percy. The people I love, like my brother, tone of the last pieces of my family. Percy who Skylar would have really liked, Percy who was hurting like me, Percy, this new, incredible friend. And Keith – lovely, strong, funny Keith with those green eyes and that bloody smile which kept me moving, those arms which pulled me, kept me running. There was a life after this and maybe it would be nothing like I once expected but maybe it would be perfect in its own crazy way.

‘Thank you, Percy’.

‘That is no problem, Harley. Stay strong’.

‘Say strong’ I smiled, anticipating holding my baby brother in my arms again. Percy would like him, they’d meet, maybe he could be some kind of uncle as he grew up. Joel already liked Keith, his eyes lit up whenever he saw him – he kept him so distracted on the journey into hell, it was something special. Lucas would go crazy when he saw Joel again, that brother bond would be re-ignited. Yes, maybe this would work out. Maybe we’d make everyone we’ve lost proud.

Stay strong instead of breaking. I would stand by that forever.

‘Harley, it’s them!’

My head jerked towards where he was pointing and I actually laughed when they sprinted round the corner, moving quickly towards us. I couldn’t see their faces but I knew they could see me. I couldn’t believe I was seeing them again, it brought me down to reality with a thump as I remembered my possible infection, the possibility that I could be dead at any point. I was now sure I was going to be fine but even if there was the slightest possibility, I knew they needed to know, even if I was furiously praying that it would be fine. I’d felt nothing move into my eyes, I’d tasted no blood on my lips but I needed to be cautious, we all did.

‘Harley!’ I saw a blur of colour as Keith pummelled into me, enveloping me in a hug till I was lifted off the ground, burying my face into his shoulder with a laugh. I felt safe again, felt real again. Only the screaming pain of my leg as I knocked it once again dragged me back to reality with a slight yelp.

‘Shit, are you alright?’ Keith asked, releasing me and holding me at arms length with concern in his eyes. I didn’t get to reply because my brother appeared next to me and the second I flung my arms around him, I truly realised the extent to which I needed him to be safe.

‘Promise me you will never scare me like the again’ he whispered in my ear, clutching so tightly onto me that I wondered if he’d ever let go.

‘I promise I’ll try really hard’ I laughed despite myself, ‘Promise me you’ll never leave?’

‘I promise, I’m sticking around Harley, I promise’.

When he let go, I took a step back and looked towards Keith; Keith who had that familiar half smile on his face which reminded me of home in a way that it couldn’t possibly. I wanted to scream it all right there but I decided not to, content with limping a step closer to him, wanting to slap him around the head for making me care, not wanting to hurt him in the slightest.

‘What happened?’ He asked softly, looking as though he was ready to capture my face in his hands. I was ready to let him but I wasn’t sure how it would look to the boys next to me. I didn’t know what was going on so how the hell would I explain it?

‘Oh, shit’ Lucas cursed, ‘They found us’. I followed his eyes to a small group of infected who were staggering towards us very quickly. Without much thought, I did what I should have done before and feeling empowered, pulled the bag from my back, yanking out a sharp piece of wood. The boys followed my lead and grabbed their own weapons, ready to fight. This felt different, I didn’t want any of us to put ourselves in the firing line like this but I didn’t think I could run anymore, besides, that’s all we’d done today and we’d gotten nowhere. I wasn’t even sure if we had enough time to get to the shelters before they started dropping bombs – the fact we weren’t exactly sure when they were being dropped didn’t help matters either.

‘It’s not human, it’s not human’ I muttered as a girl who looked a little younger than me ran right at me, her once blonde hair matted with a thick red liquid which covered almost her entire face. Her skin was a shadow of the colour it once was, any vibrance about her dulled into nothing. She probably had a family, a boyfriend. She loked as though she had once been pretty, maybe those jeans with the rips and bite marks she was bought for her birthday, maybe she was borrowing them from a best friend. This all made me angry, distraught for this girl that her life had been so cruelly taken from her. I wasn’t hurting her, I was hurting the disease. So the second she got within the right distance, I swung the piece of wood and watched as it cut a perfect line across her throat, causing her to stagger backwards. Fuelled by further anger and distress along with shock that my aim was pretty decent, I proceeded to hit her with the object, eventually leaving the wood lodged in her head. I watched as she fell before my eyes, dying again in front of me, feeling selfish as internally yelled about the pain in my leg which really wasn't important.

I caught Keith’s eye for a second before he was thrown into his own hand-to-hand combat, easily, smacking away a slim infected man. I searched for the weapon in his hand and recoiled in surprise when I saw none. He was stronger than I thought. Lucas took down a dark haired young man and Percy grappled with a woman in a bloodied dress before piercing the blade of a drill through her forehead. We all stood panting, warily eyeing the corner for any more infected who might come our way. No doubt, we were ready when a few more seeped through – but we were not ready when they were followed by about ten more, all running towards us.

‘Harley, move back to the shop!’ Lucas yelled at me, referring to the antique shop with the door that was slightly ajar. I didn’t want to leave any of them though, I couldn’t.

‘I’m not leaving you!’ I wouldn’t run and hide, we needed each other.

‘Harley, please’ Keith looked desperate, scared.

‘You can’t take them alone!’ They were getting so close now.

‘You w-‘ Keith’s voice was cut off as the crowd descended upon us and we all furiously swung our weapons, backing away as we did. My piece of wood pierced the eye of one woman but didn’t knock her down, it took a further hit to make sure she was on the floor. All the while, we battled to keep them at arms length and I gasped when two lunged for me, one grabbing tightly onto my arm and pulling himself forwards till he was growling in my face. It was so difficult to manoeuvre when at least three infected were attacking each of us – we were only lucky in the fact that they’d divided their attention between us, that putting space between our bodies had made them choose who they wanted to attack. It was madness, several of them lunging for each of us, moving forward faster than we could back away.

I kicked my leg out to remove the infected from my arm, wincing as it grabbed on tighter and spat furiously at me. I managed another kick and watched it stagger away from me while another reached to grab and I looked on in relief as Keith intervened and cracked it around the head with a piece of rusted metal. We were being swarmed, each of us getting grabbed and surrounded even as we backed away, swinging furiously at the bodies which wanted us as dead as them. With a glance over, I saw Percy was struggling and more infected were moving towards my brother. Keith seemed to be holding his own but standing upright on my leg was proving a challenge, so much so that Keith kept having to grab my own infected, glancing at me as I kept stumbling. I was terrified I would lose consciousness as the blood seemed to move more and more slowly through my body and everything slowed down.

Stay. Awake.

‘We need to move!’ Keith yelled to us as he seemed to assess the situation. I knew we had to - we could barely even take on this small group, when more came we would surely be dragged straight into a mass of them.

‘Agreed’. Lucas moved quickly over to where we were, hitting out as he did. There had started out being only around twelve of them and we’d managed to whittle them down to five very angry infected who we still biting and clawing at us, only subdued by the constant swinging of our weapons as we kept clipping them. I feared one would just grab the wood right out of my hand, and then what?

I dared not turn my head round as I thought I heard the sound of a car moving – my mind had to be playing tricks on me. The boys and I backed away further and further, Keith managing to take down two of the threats by launching three large rocks at their heads and Percy swinging whatever he was holding, actually managing to send a head rolling across the road. I heard him retch but couldn’t worry as I furiously shoved an old woman’s clamping teeth away from my neck, lifting the wood and plunging it deep into her ear.

Sick, it was totally sick.

Lucas was struggling with the last infected who actually looked almost unscathed, only obvious as the enemy by a deep bite mark which had torn off one of his thumbs. He’d managed to get the upper hand over my brother so before anyone could even try and help, I was by his side, unable to get a good shot at the head but angrily plunging the wood into the man’s grotesquely fat arms, wincing as it had no effect.

The boys ran over and together we managed to prevent him from biting my brother and as I yelled Lucas’ name and reached out to pull him towards me. Then, something extraordinary happened. Before our eyes, a shot rang out and the infected man before us slumped to the ground, streams of blood trickling from a fresh hole in his head. I was ready to launch myself at Lucas, return the giddy smile he was shooting me and hold his hand as we found our way home but I could only watch the scene in front of me unfold.

Slowly but surely, a red dot appeared on my brother’s chest, shaking slightly but unmistakeable to the human eye. I was confused for a second before Keith let out a yell next to me and realisation hit me like a tonne of awful, awful bricks.

There was no time.

One second he was stood, still smiling at me with the most gorgeous amount of hope in his eyes and the next he was falling to the floor and the shot was screaming around us, echoing again and again in the worst silence I would ever, ever be part of.

The next few seconds were a total blur as I screamed and screamed, collapsing next to my brother, shaking him till the tears in my eyes rained down on his lifeless body and still I shook him, begging him to open his eyes, to speak to me. He did for a moment, managing to squint open his eyes to look at me, the most heartbreaking confusion written all over his face.

‘What happened?’ he asked, his voice hoarse and meek.

‘Nothing, nothing happened’ I reassured him, holding his hand tighter than I’d ever held anything, looking towards Keith for help, looking everywhere to find some kind of inspiration for help, ‘Where’s the medical kit, we can help him!’ I cried, the tears in my eyes making it almost impossible to see. I blinked them away and looked back down at my brother who seemed less unsure, less confused.

‘I don’t think’ he wheezed as a line of blood trickled from his mouth, ‘A plaster is going to fix me up’.

‘Don’t joke’ a nervous laugh escaped my lips, ‘Stop being a baby!’ I laughed again so I wouldn’t cry anymore, still in shock, still reeling at the sight of my brother in front of me, laying there with blood pooling around his chest, swimming around him, slipping from his mouth. We had to help him, fast. As if reading my thoughts, Lucas squeezed my hand in the meekest gesture, trying so hard to smile I could see the strain etched all over his face.

‘You need to get out of here and find our brother, please’. I could barely understand him and could do nothing more but sob over his chest, begging him to be okay, willing him to stand up and shout “Joke!”.

But he didn’t. Keith crouched down, near tears, and my brother pulled him close enough to his face that I couldn’t hear what he was whispering in his ear. I waited till he released Keith and then I held him so incredibly tight through fear he would leave me.

‘You promised’ I whispered, ‘So you have to stay here, you have to be okay!’

‘I’m sorry, Harley’ a tear fell from his eye and landed on the cold ground next to us as he looked up at me, looked right at me.

‘Look after her, boys’. They nodded silently and I didn’t understand how this could have happened, it shouldn’t have happened! I could hear shouts from afar but only Keith and Percy looked, I couldn’t bear it. From the expressions on their faces, I knew what they were looking at was important but right now, it was my brother and I.

He could be my last living family. All those plans for the future, all those promises…

I couldn’t bear it when I saw him struggling to keep his eyes open, I could barely breathe as he started to slip away and I screamed at him to stay, that I couldn’t live without him, I wouldn’t.

‘You will’ he tried to smile again, ‘You said you’d make them proud… you swore’.

‘But Lucas, y-‘

‘No, Harley’ his breathing was becoming difficult, I could hear the blood clogging up his throat, ‘You have to do this, I love you my baby sister. Please, go live’.

‘But…’ He was dying right there in front of me, the vibrance slipping from his eyes, everything that made him Lucas disappearing. Someone was stealing him from me, I would kill them. I would kill them.

‘I’ll live’ I whispered, still numb, still shocked, still broken. I couldn’t bear another goodbye so I said the five words which meant so much more than just five words.

‘I love you, Loo Loo’ I whispered the stupid nickname I made when we were so young, so carefree.

‘I love you too, Lee Lee’.

And he slowly began to disappear in my arms, eyes closing slowly and blood flowing quickly till he was laying dead in my palms and I’d become so numb I couldn’t move.

My brother was gone.

My stupid, annoying, incredible, funny, stupid brother was dead. They were all gone, my whole family.

Joel. Joel had to be okay. He would never see his mummy again, his daddy, his Lucas.

My Lucas. We played xbox, we went jogging together. Skylar liked him, he bought me shoes when my feet blistered. He made me laugh when I cried watching Titanic. He bought me a goldfish named Muriel, he kept me breathing in this horror.

He was gone.

And I would never be the same again.