"Why was he acting so strange?"
I suddenly woke up but realized I was laying on the floor. I looked around and remembered how I got out of bed last night. There was no way I was going to let Hwang Hyunjin sleep on top of me. I had more worry about what was going on inside of him, what he was thinking, feeling, I wanted to draw closer to him somehow.
As I was in deep in my thought I looked around the empty room, the light was shining through the window, and I took a big yawn. I quickly started to panic. "Don't tell me I slept through Christmas day.." I quickly jumped up and opened the door. It was quiet. "This can't be it. I don't want this one day to be ruined." This worry went through my mind. My heart wouldn't stop pounding. I wasn't sure why this year was so different. All other years I would've loved to sleep Christmas away, but this year, it's different.
Because I wanted to spend it,
With him.
I quickly got in the living room and looked around frantically. I heard a snoring noise.
I slowly looked over the shoulder of the couch to see Jisung halfway off the couch, sleeping with his mouth open.
Changbin was on the floor, with his arm over his face.
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness, it's still Christmas."
"Wait...where is Hyunjin?" I noticed that I didn't see him anywhere.
I felt a breath behind my neck.
"Of course it's still Christmas," I heard a small laugh behind me. I quickly turned around to see Hyunjin all dressed up, scratching his head, with a bright smile on his face.
I quickly looked down, because I was too nervous to see him. "Why is he all dressed up so early...?" I felt my heart start to race.
"Are you okay..?" Hyunjin tried to look at my face. I quickly flustered my hands and made a small laugh. "Yeah, I should be asking you that..how are you feeling? Are you hungover or sick at all?" He raised his eyebrow like he was confused. "What do you mean..?" Hyunjin started to focus on the thought.
"You drank last night...don't you remember?" as I said that it looked like it sparked a memory inside of him. "Oh...right." His head went down with an embarrassed look on his face.
"Did I seriously say that.." He muttered to himself.
"Hmm?" I tried to look at him, but suddenly there was a noise.
"GOOD MORNING." I heard a yelled. I slowly turned my head to see Jisung standing straight up, with a wide look on his face.
"Good...morning...?" I saw Changbin sit up slowly while rubbing his eyes. "This is a way to spend Christmas...WAIT." Changbin threw everything beside him and quickly stood up. "I am supposed to be with my family." He quickly gathered his things together.
"I wasn't supposed to sleep here last night, it's your fault for getting me hungover." He sent a glare over at Jisung.
"It's not my fault. It's Annie's." Jisung pouted and pointed at me. My heart started to race.
"How is it my fault?" I scuffed.
Changbin shrugged and made his way towards the door.
"Wait!" I called out. He slowly looked towards me with a gentle smile on his face.
"Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas." He bowed quickly and left, it seemed like there was a small look on his face, and I had an off feeling about it.
"We should head out soon too." I quickly turned back around to Hyunjin.
"Ah," He scratched his head. "I mean, I wanted to spend-" It seemed like he was going to say something but decided not to finish. He walked into the kitchen while brushing his hair back.
"But, didn't you want to spend today with him?" Jisung looked confused. I saw that Hyunjin looked up at me, with a nervous face.
I flustered. "I-, I mean I do but, It's not weird, is it?" I made a small laugh. For some reason, I didn't really want him to know that. I was embarrassed.
"Annie." I heard Hyunjin call out to me.
"Huh?" I quickly got sparked up and looked over at him with wide eyes.
"Uh, would you like breakfast?" He said quietly.
I made a small nod.
Jisung's mouth went wide. "Uh, hello?" He looked at both of us. "I am hungry too." He pouted, then saw how awkward we were with each other. "uh, did something happen between you two or..?"
As Jisung said that I started thinking: "Does Hyunjin remember what happened?..like does he remember what he said?" Something he had said replayed in my head:
I pictured the look on his face last night, the submissive, yearning look. My heart started racing. "What was that for..? is there something he is hiding from me?" I looked up at him. He was making food. My heart started to thump. "Why do I feel so attached and connected...?" As I started to get deep in my thoughts. Jisung jumped in front of me. "Hey." He called out.
My eyes started focusing on him. "Uh, yeah what." I blinked.
"Stop fantasizing and come here." Jisung pulled me over to where Hyunjin wouldn't hear. "Did something happen? You both are acting strange and you're acting out of it." He whispered to me. I made a small cough. "I'm just not feeling that good, that's all." I shrugged.
"Ah. How is your time world going?"
"I was afraid I was going to sleep away today, but something in me woke me up and I wasn't sure what," I whispered back.
"Ah," Jisung looked around and noticed Hyunjin was about done preparing breakfast. "Let's talk about this later." He finished. We gathered around the table and started to eat.
"I didn't know you cooked, Hyunjin." Jisung smiled and started eating.
"Yeah, my mom kind of taught me so I could take care of my brothers in the future." He made a quick smile and avoided eye contact with us.
"Take care of your brothers? Is your mom going somewhere?"
Hyunjin seemed to be affected by what Jisung had said, but he didn't reply with anything.
Jisung made an awkward gulp and regretted his question.
"anyway, Annie. We are going to visit mom today if that's okay." Jisung got my attention.
This Christmas felt different from others, it didn't feel like Christmas but yet, it felt warm somehow. After we spent some time together, it was all so silent.
Jisung and I left his house in the blazing cold. For some reason, I felt cramping inside of my chest. I wanted to spend more time with Hyunjin but I wasn't sure what to say or what to do. I scratched at my head and stuffed my hands in my coat.
"Ah, I mean, if there was something you wanted to say you could've asked. Like, why were you guys so tense with each other?" Jisung looked over.
"I don't know," I muttered because I honestly didn't know. All I wanted to do was draw closer to him, to have him open up to me, but I feel like something is holding him back from that.
We made our way to the hospital, and up the elevator to the hospital room.
"My mind has been so blank lately that I haven't been able to visit mom much.." I had thought right before entering the room. I sighed because I was so disappointed in myself. As I walked in, I saw my mom wrapped in a blanket while laying down.
She looked different from before.
Way different.
Her hair was gone, she looked drained. The feeling of reality hit me; "She won't be here much longer." Jisung and I sat right beside her hospital bed. She looked over at us with a gentle smile.
"I am surprised they let you in." She said softly.
"Ah," Jisung made a nervous laugh. "Of course we are going to see you at Christmas." He looked down while fidgeting with his hands. It looked like something was on his mind.
"Ah, yes. It's Christmas, isn't it?" My mom slowly closed her eyes and pointed her head towards the ceiling. It looked like she was so exhausted and it pained me to see her that way. Jisung had reached in his pocket and offered something to my mom. Her eyes opened, and she looked surprised. "What is this?" She asked.
Jisung opened a box, and it was a necklace with a star on it. Jisung slowly wrapped it around her shoulders and clipped it. It hung from her neck. I shining star, that glimmered in her eyes. A soft smile came over her face. "You didn't have to get this for me. It probably cost so much.."
She spoke so humbly. All I could do was look down, because my heart started to ache, to yearn. I didn't want to accept, I didn't want to think about what was going to come. My thoughts suddenly got thrown off.
We sat there and talked for quite a while. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with her. "Hey, Annie." My mom called out.
"Yes?" I looked up at her.
"Could you get me a cup of water?"
"Mhm." I made a small nod. I got up and left her to Jisung. I looked around the open hallway to see if there was a water filter anywhere nearby. I walked around, seeing nurses and doctors going from rooms, and inpatients walking around too. I spotted a water fountain and grabbed a plastic cup to fill it up. I heard some talking coming from the next room.
"I'm just going out to get some water," I heard someone say as they moved out and stopped right beside me. I looked over and I was surprised by who I saw.
Not only was I surprised, but she seemed to have recognized me as well. She was in a weal chair. I finished getting the water and moved out of the way. I was going to turn back and head back to my mom's room. But, this feeling was holding me back. I wanted to ask her,
"Why is she here? I thought Hyunjin told me she was abroad?"Â The thoughts ran around in my head. I looked back toward her. "May I ask, how are you doing? What happened?" I made a gentle sigh. She made a quick smile, then looked down. "I guess Hyunjin didn't tell you, I am just in bad condition and having physical and mental therapy for it. I am okay, though." By the nervous smile she had on her face I could tell she wasn't okay.
The feeling in my chest started to yearn even more.
"Why would he hide something like this from me...did he not want me to worry...or does he just not want to believe it?" the possibilities ran through my head.
I bowed and made a quick "Bye." To her as she rolled back into her room. I quickly turned around, with a focused mind. I marched back to my mom's room and handed her the water.
Jisung looked up at me and nudged my arm.
He could tell how tense I was. I shrugged back.
Then I started to get a call. I looked at it and saw that Macy was calling. "It seems like Macy is here." I quickly answered.
"I am off the plane and will get back to you when I am ready to see you." She started.
"Ah, I can't wait to see you," I told her. She hung up quickly.
"You should go get ready to see her." Jisung looked up at me.
"I don't wanna leave mom, though." I looked over at my mom, who seemed to be lost in thought.
"Don't worry, I will be here with her. You can always come back, just go for a while, trust me." Jisung had a gentle smile on his face. I could tell that he could tell that I was a bit tense. I took him up on his offer and told them goodbye. As I was leaving by my thoughts ran through my head: "Maybe I just need fresh air to think." I went down the elevator.
There was so much going on, the day was getting away from me.
I looked at my phone again. "Why does this always happen to me?" I made a sigh to myself.
I started to find myself walking through town, browsing the streets. I didn't even know what I was looking for. "I guess I am just waiting until Macy gets back to me," I muttered to myself. I looked into the shop windows, and I noticed stores I have never seen before. I stopped in front of one store, that had cute clothes, candles, and jewelry. I was going to walk in but I noticed they were closed.
"Oh yeah, it's Christmas." I made a sigh to myself. I even forgot it was Christmas. "I guess I can't actually have a normal Christmas." I thought with a small laugh at myself. I looked up at the bright blue sky, there was no snow coming from the sky, but the streets were quite icy. I looked down at my snow boots, I started to kick the snow off of them. I shrugged to myself with all the feelings rummaging around in me. Then, suddenly I heard loud talking coming from a store. I peaked over the wall corner and saw two people that I recognized.
"I am sorry sorry sorry," Macy repeated.
"Ah, it's okay." I heard a deep voice. I saw that Macy had spilled coffee all over Felix's white sweater. Felix looked down at himself. Macy quickly rummaged through her backpack and got out a towel, and tried to wipe it off of him. He started laughing nervously, and Macy realized how nervous she made him feel.
"Sorry about that." She back up, and made a small bow.
"It's really no problem...?"
"Macy." She quickly said.
"Macy, It's really no problem." He scratched his head.
"Thank you." She made a quick, nervous smile. They seemed to be staring at each other awkwardly.
"Since when...?" I was surprised to see them talking together. I didn't hear all that they said.
"Ah Ah, I will walk in now." Macy passed him and walked into the cafe, but then quickly turned back. "Wait, lemme buy you another coffee!" She added. Felix quickly looked back at her. "Oh. you don't have to do that." He made a soft voice.
"No, really. I insist." A kind smile grew on her face. He had followed her in.
I quickly hid behind the wall.
"Are they...?" I started to scream to myself. I didn't hear at all what they said. "I could only assume they're secretly dating...but how do they know each other?" I shook my head to myself.
I started pacing down the street, but the cold really started to get to me. I shuffled my feet around. "I want to go in, but I don't want to disturb them. " I panicked to myself. I started to feel colder and colder and paced back and forth. Then I quickly saw someone in the corner of my eye, standing in the corner of the sidewalk. I stopped quickly and saw Hyunjin's friend, Jeongin standing there, looking at me with a nervous smile.
I quickly stopped and made a small wave.
"Hey." I made a small laugh, I wasn't sure why he was there.
"Ah, I saw you pacing around from outside and I wasn't sure if there was something wrong." He looked down shyly while scratching his head.
"Ah, what gets me is why is everyone out on Christmas like..?" I stood there, still questioning myself.
"I went to pick up hot cocoa mix for my family." Jeongin had added but I was so distracted with my thoughts that I didn't get to answer him.
"Oh yeah!" I quickly looked up at him.
"Why are you out? and pacing.."
"uh, I just got lost in my thought. I am waiting for my friend that's in the cafe." I made a quick smile.
"ahhh," Jeongin looked like he had realized something. "What friend..?"
As he said that I heard someone walk around the corner. I saw Macy, holding a cup of hot cocoa, and her phone in her hand. I heard my phone start to ring. As she looked up, she noticed me with a bright gasp on her face. She quickly ran up to me, almost spilling her cocoa. "Annie!" She gave me a quick hug and realized that Jeongin was still standing in front of me. She slowly turned towards him. She made a quick smile then leaned in close to me. "Who's this? the boy you were telling me about?"
I quickly nudged her arm, softly, hoping Jeongin didn't hear her. "No, no." I made a quick laugh. "I should be going." He made a quick bow and headed towards the cafe.
I made a big sigh.
"Well. Is it?" Macy saw the worry on my face, and she gave me a quick hug. "No. It's his friend." I scratched my head nervously. I didn't know how I felt, but I was awkward.
Then my thoughts went back to Felix and Macy and what they were doing.
"Ah.." I raised my hand to ask her, but then I stopped myself because I didn't want to seem nosey. "You must be cold, so let's go back to your house, okay?" She made a quick smile, and I nodded back. I missed being with her, she was the only friend I had opened myself up to. But, Hyunjin came along, that I want to open up to, that I want to get close to for the first time in my life, but it wasn't happening. It didn't seem possible like there was something between us.
As Macy and I were on the road back to the house, I had noticed the small snowflakes coming from the sky. "We should have a good dinner tonight, okay?" Macy held onto my arm, with a calming smile on her face. I nodded with excitement. As we walked the road we passed by Hyunjin's house. I had the urge to look in. I had a weird feeling like something was going to happen. "It's just my worry, I can't think about that right now." I quickly shook my head to try to get rid of the thought running through my head. It was already getting dark and it felt like the day had just started.
"Why are my days getting shorter?" I muttered to myself as I was unlocking the front door.
"So...I am guessing your father isn't home?" Macy asked from behind me. I made a small shake of my head. "Nope, he's busy making money on trips to pay for my mom's bills plus Jisung and I." I made a small sigh while walking into the bare house.
"Woahhh.."Macy seemed surprised to see no decorations in the house. "Not very Christmasy...huh?" I shrugged while leaning down to open the fridge, but there seemed to be nothing in it.
"Oh, it's fine." She sat down at the kitchen table.
"I don't seem to have food, I should've prepared something, I'm sorry," I whined to myself while scratching my head.
"It's okay! we can just order out."
"Who is open on Christmas, though?" I still couldn't believe this was how I was spending Christmas. It didn't feel like it. It felt like any other day. It didn't seem right. Something had changed. I grasped at that feeling in my heart.
Macy was scrolling through her phone, looking for a place to order from.
"Would you like some Bulgogi?" She looked up at me. "I haven't had some in quite some time." Macy grew excited. I agreed with her, with a bright smile.
As we ordered the food, we waited for it to come. We sat there in some silence. Even though we haven't seen each other in person for a while, we didn't have much to say.
"I guess it's my fault for detaching myself from everyone." I had thought, then were was a quick knock on the door.
"Oooh, it's here already?" Macy jumped up, excited, and opened the door wide open, only to see Jisung holding a large bag in his hands.
"Merry Christmas." He repeated as he snuck in.
"Ahhh..I was hoping you were food." Macy pouted.
"What do you mean? Are you saying that I am ugly?" Jisung raised his brow.
"No," she glared at him.
"Ah, ah, because I am handsome, awesome, handsome." Jisung prided himself. He placed the large bag on the table and started pulling boxes from it.
"What is that?" I asked.
"Ah, just gifts from friends. I picked it up from Changbin today. Plus cookies mom's nurse made for us." As Jisung pulled all of them out, a huge smile was on his face. He sorted through all of the gifts and gave a few to me.
I looked down at them, surprised I even had anything.
"One is from me too." he made a quick wink and sat casually at the table.
I started to open the small packages. One was from Seungmin, which was a sweater, that had a large strawberry on it. "Cute."I made a small smile, just thinking of his face.
The next one was from Felix and Minho. "Who knew they'd give out gifts..even to me.." I shrugged and saw it was a keychain with a video game controller on it and a notebook with large writing on it. "Ah, I see." I smiled, thinking of their faces.
The next one was from Changbin. It was a mug that said: I love hot cocoa on it. I smiled at the thought of drinking coffee out of it because I was like that.
The next one was from Jisung. He got excited as I slowly opened it. I noticed it was a book, not just any book. A book titled: A Shy Lover
I glared over at him as I read it.
"Hey, it's a good romance story, give it a shot and it might give you advice." Jisung shrugged as he ate a cookie, he was surprised by how good it was. "Thank you," I muttered, actually quite excited to read it. But, there was something I was looking for.
More than anything, I wanted to receive something from. But, I didn't see any more gifts around. "Maybe he just didn't think about it." I thought to myself, as I remembered I wanted to give a gift to him but never got to.
I sighed at the thought but didn't say anything.
Macy, Jisung, and I all ate dinner together, chatting about things, and the night flew by.
"At least it wasn't exactly like last year," I told myself.
Macy had set up her bed on the floor of my room, and I cuddled up in my bed. She was already sound asleep, but I couldn't stop tossing and turning. Hours felt like minutes with him on my mind.
"Why did I see his mom at the hospital?" I shook my head around, trying to shake the worry from me. But, I couldn't keep my eyes closed and I couldn't keep still. I took deep breaths,
"Maybe I just need fresh air," I told myself. I quickly got out of bed, avoiding waking Macy up. I had this strange feeling deep inside of me, like something was off, mixed with my heart thumping so hard over just a simple thought of Hyunjin's face.
"I really need to stop thinking about this," I told myself, as I grabbed my coat and quietly went outside. It was the middle of the night. It was dark. But, the street light lit up the sidewalk ever so slightly. I looked down at my feet, and I could feel my face getting colder and colder. I looked up at the stars in the sky, but slightly feeling light snow falling down on my face.
"There's just something about the night breeze and sound that makes me feel better," I said softly to myself, as I walked.
"I agree." I heard someone say,
Which scared me, I quickly jumped back and looked down. Feeling my heart thump in my chest.
I saw Hyunjin, standing a few feet from me, with his hands stuffed in his long, coat pockets.
"H-Hyunjin?" I started to mutter. I wasn't sure why he was there, and why I started to panic. I quickly looked down as he walked closer to me.
"What are you doing up?" I made a small sigh, trying to relieve some of my nervousness. I looked over at him, and the calming look on his face. Something about his expression brought this peace to me, although I was nervous, my heart was pounding, but I also felt so comfortable so how.
"I heard you call." He made a small smile.
"What do you mean..? I didn't call you." I scratched my head, confused by what he had said.
"It's nothing..." Hyunjin made a small laugh as he looked up at the snow dropping from the sky. "I couldn't sleep either."
"Ah," I looked down at my feet. "A lot going through your head?"
"Yeah." He said with a small gulp.
"I want to ask him about his mother, but I am afraid..I am afraid to hurt him." I thought to myself, trying to hold myself back.
"How was your day today?" He looked over at me, with this gentle look on his face.
"Nice..went by too quickly though. It didn't feel like Christmas at all." I shrugged.
"Right." He took a step back. "Is something different this year?"
"Yeah." I had realized. He looked down at me.
"I made actual friends, and I opened myself up a bit more. I have developed...I mean, I have grown a lot." I almost slipped up and said something, I got embarrassed.
"Ah, you have. Even from before I met you." Hyunjin looked over at me and made a quick smile. "You have to." I told him.
"Ah, I guess we complement each other, well...huh?" He looked down shyly.
My heart started to beat faster and faster by his words.
"Yeah," I said quietly while trying to keep myself together.
"Oh, yeah....when do you want to go out?" By his words, I had remembered the deal we had with the game we played. I quickly turned toward his, waving my hands. "Ah, you don't have to do that if you don't want." I made a quick nervous smile.
"AH, but what if I want to....?" Hyunjin looked over at me with such a smirk, I was wondering what he was thinking. I quickly looked down, with a small blush. "I mean, why would you..?" I muttered. Hyunjin turned around and started walking off.
"I guess I will see you then." He made a quick wave. "Sleep Well, Annie."
"Darnnit I didn't get to ask about his mom, but at least I got to spend some of the night with him." A gentleness overtook my face. I couldn't help but feel so happy to see him. Even if it was just a brief moment. I couldn't shake the feelings I had in my heart. Slowly, I started to realize how my feelings for Hwang Hyunjin were growing. Like I felt like I knew him better than I do, I felt a connection with him, a feeling I have never experienced before. A feeling that made my heart race and my time fly by.