April
April came without another word from Josh. I started to regret the last email I sent him, basically begging him to not break us up. I decided I was being selfish. He didn't need the stress of our relationship while he was recovering. He needed to focus on himself, on getting better and coping with everything he'd been through.
Many times I debated sending another email, telling him that I would accept his decision. But as time went on, and the aching in my heart persisted, I couldn't bring myself to do it. In my mind, us breaking up would have meant that everything we went through was for nothing. That we were nothing. Our brief yet tumultuous relationship meant too much to me.
A few days before the drag show, I received an acceptance letter from the University of Michigan.
My friends all congratulated me, including Liv who had been accepted to UT Austin. Miles had been accepted to Berkeley.
Miles's parents insisted on taking us all out to eat to celebrate. The entire time, though, all I could think about were my parents.
I once again considered texting my mom, telling her the news, but I stopped myself. Why was it on me to reach out? Why did I have to be the bigger person?
I was tired of compromising myself to make others comfortable, to make them feel better. I refused to bridge that gap between my parents and me because it was their fault to begin with.
Nevertheless, the guilt I felt about the whole ordeal persisted.
On April 15, our new friend group gathered at Miles's to get ready to go to the club. We'd all managed to get our fake IDs sorted, thanks to Sky's dubious but effective website. Even Grant, who was both excited and nervous, had his in hand, though I secretly worried about him being able to get in; he definitely did not look 21.
Jake volunteered to drive Liv, Miles, and me. Harper was driving Sky, Grant, Janessa, and Margot.
On the way there, Jake kept asking questions about drag queens.
"Are they men or women?" Jake whispered to Liv, genuinely confused. "I mean, what are they exactly?"
Miles and I, sitting together in the backseat, turned to each other and grinned.
When we arrived, the line was already snaking around the block. After Jake parked, we walked over to meet up with the rest of our group. The April night air was a little chilly, but it was significantly warmer than the last time I was there. My heart thudded with excitement as we got in line.
We approached the bouncer as the line moved forward. He was a large man with tattoos covering his arms. I quickly glanced at Grant, who looked so young and vulnerable, and got nervous.
"IDs," the bouncer grunted, holding out a hand.
We handed over our fakes, one by one. He scrutinized each one carefully before nodding us through. But when he got to Grant, he paused, raising an eyebrow.
"You got to be kidding me," he said, shaking his head. "This kid looks like he's twelve."
Grant looked scared and so sad.
Despite my nervousness, I stepped forward and argued, "Come on, he's with us. Please. We're just trying to see the show."
The bouncer looked unimpressed. "Rules are rules." He crossed his arms over his chest.
Just as I was about to plead our case further, a familiar voice interrupted. "They're with me. Let them in, darling."
None other than Lois Carmen Denominator stepped up beside us in a sparkly outfit that caught the light. She gave the bouncer a grin and a wink. "They're my guests, honey."
The bouncer grumbled but waved us through. "Alright, but any trouble and you're all out. Got it?"
"Got it," I replied, letting out a relieved exhale.
Once inside, the club was a sensory overload. The music made my head vibrate as a song I didn't recognize blared through the speakers.
Tonight, for the rest of my life,
I'm gonna be stuck on you.
I looked up at Lois, who towered over me in her heels as she easily wove through the crowd. "Seriously, thank you so much," I shouted to her over the music.
Lois grinned at me. "No problem, baby face. I remember you from last time."
Our whole group followed her like a mother duck leading her ducklings. Lois brought us to a reserved table near the stage, where we had a perfect view of the performances. "Y'all can sit here," she told us.
"You really didn't have toâ"
She shook her head at me. "I vouched for you kids, so this is better for me to keep an eye on you." The corners of her mouth turned up as she winked at me.
The rest of our group thanked her as they all sat down. Lois looked at me, an intense look in her eyes. "You have any updates for me? How have you been?"
"Um, good, yeah," I told her, suddenly feeling nervous as she stared at me. The look she gave me told me that she didn't believe me, as though she was peering straight into my soul. The all-knowing, transcendent power of drag queens.
"Or, I don't know," I added. "I guess I sort of...ran away from home?"
She nodded her head while giving me a knowing look. "I'm very sorry to hear that. Do you have somewhere you're staying?"
I gave her a brief synopsis of the mess my life had become, including starting the club and my idea for having some sort of fundraising event. "We're trying to figure out where to hold it and how to pull it off," I explained.
Lois grinned at me, a look on her face I can only describe as a proud mom. "I know Clareview well. I have a friend from there." She paused, then added, "Actually, I'm pretty good friends with the owner of this club. I can probably convince him to let you have it here."
"Wait, really?" My mouth dropped open in shock. "That would be amazing!"
She nodded. "Absolutely. It's so important for young queer kids to have support. The cycle of internalized self-hatred begins when we're young, and we need to do something to break it. I'm happy to help however I can."
Without thinking, I took a couple of steps forward and hugged her. She let out a loud, deep laugh, hugging me back.
"I'll make sure to catch you later after I talk to the owner, okay?" Lois smiled at me and then flipped her hair/wig over her shoulder dramatically. "But for now, I must entertain the masses."
After she sauntered off backstage, I finally sat down with my friends.
"What was all that about?" Liv asked me, a smile on her face. I noticed how close she sat to Jake, but I didn't say anything.
"Hey, guys!" I motioned for the rest of our group to lean closer so they could all hear me. "So, Lois Carmen Denominator says that she might be able to help us with a fundraiser. She's going to talk to the owner about having us hold it here."
"That would be awesome!" Miles exclaimed.
"This place would actually be perfect," Sky added, nodding.
"Wait, I get it," Jake said randomly, and I shot him a look of confusion. "Lois Carmen Denominator. Like, lowest common denominator." He laughed. "That's funny."
Liv and I made eye contact, and then we both burst out laughing.
Before we could talk more about anything, though, the DJ began announcing, "Welcome to pride night, everyone! Get loud and proud for our first performer of the night, Anita Drink!"
As Anita Drink took the stage, Jake leaned forward to ask me, "Are all of their names puns?" I just laughed in response.
The song "If U Seek Amy" by Britney Spears began playing.
Anita Drink wore a form-fitting black and red corset, a sequined skirt, and a big red wig.
She began lip-syncing while moving across the stage with sharp movements. She was crazy flexible, kicking her legs over her head and bending in ways that made me wonder if it was painful.
She moved over to the edge of the stage, leaning over our table and zeroing in on Jake. With a wink, she reached out and booped his nose, making our entire group laugh. Jake just sat there, with wide eyes, while the rest of us cracked up.
Towards the end of the song, Anita Drink pretended to trip and almost fall off the stage, only to catch herself dramatically and strike a pose, getting even louder cheers.
Afterwards, the DJ transitioned to a pop song for an intermission. Liv grabbed Jake's hand and pulled him towards the dance floor. He hesitated for a moment, but then let himself be dragged along.
Shortly thereafter, Miles got up to go dance, bringing Sky along with him. I watched as Sky twirled Miles around, both of them throwing their heads back, laughing.
Eventually, the rest of our group made their way to the dance floor, including Grant, who took some coaxing from Margot.
I watched my friends dancing and having fun, and though I was glad they were having a good time, I kept thinking back to the last time I was here. I could feel Josh's hands on my hips, see that smirk on his face, his nervousness when he asked me to be his boyfriend. That one perfect night where everything was right in the world before it all fell apart.
Did he miss me as much as I missed him? Did he play our late night phone conversations on a loop in his mind, wishing things could go back to how they were? Did a part of him wish that we had never dated so we didn't know what we'd lost?
Liv caught my eye from the dance floor, pulling me from my thoughts. She left Jake's side for a moment and made her way back to me, reaching out a hand. "Come on, Con, dance with me!"
I shook my head, a sad smile on my face. "I don't know. I'm not really in the mood."
Liv didn't take no for an answer. "C'mon. One song. Please? Please-please-please?"
I rolled my eyes at her and stood up. She grabbed my arm with a wide grin on her face and dragged me over to our friends on the dance floor.
As I started to dance along with her, I had to admit it felt good to let go, even if just a little, to move with the music and be surrounded by friends.
My youth, my youth is yours
a truth so loud you can't ignore
my youth.
The song ended, and we made our way back to the table, laughing and catching our breath. A few moments later, the DJ announced the next performer, Faye Tality.
The lights dimmed as "There Will Be Blood" by Kim Petras began to play. Faye Tality emerged from the shadows, literally, wearing a black, tattered dress with strategically placed bloodstains. She wore contacts that made her entire eyes black and a trickle of fake blood dripped from her red lips.
She danced almost neurotically, with jerky movements as though she were a puppet controlled by invisible strings. Her eyes darted around the room. She looked completely unhinged. And the crowd was living for it.
"There will be blood," she mouthed, drawing her finger across her throat in a mock slit, her eyes widening in manic glee.
At the end of the song, she dropped to her knees, her dress pooling around her as she produced a hidden knife. She held it high above her head before plunging it into her own chest with a dramatic flourish. Fake blood spurted from the wound, splattering her dress.
Her eyes rolled back in her head as she mouthed the final words of the song, "There will be blood!" Then she dramatically collapsed to the floor as the song ended.
Everyone clapped and cheered. Faye Tality slowly rose, grinning out at the crowd. She gathered all the bills that people had thrown onto the stage, a weirdly mundane activity that sort of broke the illusion, and then exited.
"What in the ever-living fuck was that?" Jake asked Liv and me, his eyes wide.
"Drag," I said at the same time Liv answered, "Art."
The DJ's voice boomed over the speakers again. "Ladies and gentlemen, and everyone in between, get ready for our last queen of the night. She's fierce, she's fabulous, and she's about to take you on a wild ride. Give it up for the one and only, Lois Carmen Denominator!"
Lois sashayed onto the stage, looking confident as usual. As the opening beats of "Daisy" by Ashnikko blared through the speakers, the crowd's reaction was insanely loud. Apparently, everyone had come to see her.
She strutted down the stage, her movements sharp and purposeful. Her wig bounced with every step she took.
Lois lip-synced with exaggerated expressions, locking eyes with people in the crowd. At one point, she dramatically flipped her hair and winked, causing several people to whistle. When she reached the chorus, she twirled around, her outfit catching the light, making it look like sparkles were flying across the room.
I'm crazy but you like that, I bite back
Daisies on your nightstand, never forget it.
Midway through the performance, she moved over to our table, pointing directly at me and then at Jake, who looked intimidated. She leaned in, mouthing the lyrics with such intensity that it felt like she was singing directly to me. Or at me. I grinned at her despite the heat rising to my cheeks.
At the very end of the song, she did a death drop that made everyone in the crowd go wild.
Afterwards, I glanced around at my friends. Liv and Jake were leaning close, whispering and giggling. Miles and Sky had their arms around each other as they talked animatedly. It felt strange, as though I was watching the beginning of something, but not actively participating in it. Like this was some sort of teen romance movie, and I got cast as a background character.
Suddenly, I felt a hand on my back and jumped a little. I turned around to see a sweaty Lois Carmen Denominator standing over me, a smile on her face.
She leaned down and said, "I talked to Ricky, the owner, and since he owes me, well, a lot, he said he'd let you guys have your club event here sometime next month."
"Oh, my god! Thank you so much!" I grinned at her.
Miles and Sky overheard Lois, and thanked her as well.
Lois waved us off. "It's no problem. Listen, just send my ass a DM on Instagram and we can hash out the details, okay? I'm really looking forward to it."
After Lois left, Miles and I told the rest of our group. To celebrate our excitement of finally having a win, we all ran out onto the dance floor.
As I watched Liv and Jake get closer and closer until they leaned in to kiss, a million feelings crashed down on me: excitement for the future, appreciation for my friends, and a deep, persistent longing for the one person who wasn't there.