Since Josh and I had hung out, the nervousness between us had mostly vanished. We texted more, even talked on the phone sometimes at night, and had started hanging out more often (when he wasn't busy doing community service for his DUI).
Technically, Josh's parents had grounded him indefinitely. He convinced them I was his tutor, so he was allowed to hangout with me, though it was always at my house. (And he paid me back my $500.)
I was relieved that he wasn't drinking anymore, at least not to my knowledge. I didn't even know how to broach the topic that maybe he probably definitely had a drinking problem, so unless it became an issue again, I decided I'd leave it alone.
Since Josh's license had been suspended, I started giving him rides to school. A side bonus of that was that we got to makeout in my car. And as much as I loved kissing him and touching him and, well, basically just being in his presence, I wanted to ask him if we were dating. It didn't actually matter, considering I didn't have much competition, yet at the same time it mattered so much. I didn't want to ruin what we had going on, though, or risk making him uncomfortable. We were in this sort of unspoken limboâmore than friends, but without any official label. And while it was thrilling, it was also confusing as hell.
Thoughts of Josh kept intruding into my mind throughout the day, especially during classes. I struggled to stay focused, including during Spanish later that week when Jake leaned over and whispered to me, "Hey, do you care if I ask out Rylee?"
I side-eyed him with a confused look. "No, why would I care?"
He shrugged. "'Cause, you know, you guys had a 'thing' or whatever."
"No, we didn't." I fought the urge to roll my eyes. "She asked me out and I said no."
"Okay, word. I'm gonna ask her out."
"You do that," I replied, trying to shrug him off so I could actually listen to what Mrs. Hayes was saying.
"You really should've taken advantage of the whole hockey incident. You could be drowning in pu-"
"Stop," I hissed at him, loud enough for Mrs. Hayes to hear, who then scolded us. Jake pointed at me and gave her a faux, wide-eyed innocent look while shaking his head.
During lunch, I saw Jake go up to the table where Rylee and her friends sat.
"What's he doing?" Liv asked me while taking a bite of her sandwich and eyeing Jake.
"Probably asking out Rylee," I replied.
"Seriously, Rylee?" She scoffed a little, and I laughed. "What's so funny?"
"What's funny is you're jealous," I said.
"No, I'm not!" she protested. "I just think she's an interesting choice for him."
She feigned disinterest, but didn't take her eyes off of Jake and Rylee.
I scanned the cafeteria until my eyes landed on Josh. After a moment, as though sensing me looking at him, he met my eyes. His mouth turned up into a tiny smirk and he winked at me.
Immediately, heat rushed to my face as I looked around to make sure no one noticed. Of course, it was so brief, no one paid any attention, but my heart felt like it would burst out of my chest.
A moment later, I got a text from Josh that said, You're cute.
I smiled at my phone and looked back up at him. He had a look of amusement on his face, like he knew exactly what he was doing to me. I texted back, Pls stop giving me heart palpitations.
"Who are you texting?" Liv asked suddenly, her attention finally pulled away from Jake.
"No one," I said quickly before remembering I didn't have to keep secrets from her. I made a discreet nod in Josh's direction, and her face lit up.
"Awww," she crooned before I could stop her.
"What's 'awww'?" Sophia asked.
A panicked look crossed Liv's face, and before she could say anything, I quickly intervened. "Jake's asking out Rylee."
A cloudy look overcame Sophia's face, one of unmistaken resentment. "Seriously, Rylee?"
Since I couldn't handle this passive-aggressiveness in our friend group anymore, I started cleaning up my lunch early.
***
"She's been so adamant about not being into him, but now that he's into someone else, she's jealous." I paused and looked over at Josh, who didn't seem to be listening to a word I'd said.
He had come over again to "study," except this time we actually were studying. Well, he was studying trig for his test the next day, while I was procrastinating by telling him about what had happened at lunch.
"Do you need help?" I asked, pained by how he had been stuck on the same problem for the past 15 minutes.
"No, I'll figure it out," he replied distractedly. I'd aced trig last year, but Josh didn't seem to want me to actually help him.
"Okay, then fail." I finally cracked my calc book open, but Josh was wearing a short-sleeved shirt and his cologne and sat less than a foot away from me, which made concentrating impossible.
Josh looked up at me, as though he was just noticing that I was sitting there. "Sorry, were you saying something before?"
"I was just talking about how Liv's into Jake," I simplified.
"He's kind of hot," Josh remarked casually. "If you're into sporty dude-bros."
"I guess I am." I gave him a pointed look.
Josh snorted and rolled his eyes. "Just because I play soccer doesn't make me a dude-bro."
"'I workout and play FIFA in my spare time,'" I mocked him in a deep voice.
"Okay, fair, but I also..."
I laughed as Josh tried and failed to think of an example that wasn't stereotypical bro behavior. "Like guys?" I offered.
"Yeah, exactly. I'm really into guys, especially nerdy ones who like to make fun of me."
"I'm not nerdy!" I protested. "I'm...super manly and strong." The last word came out as more of a question than a statement, making Josh laugh.
"Yes, I'm sure you're very strong," he said in a voice oozing with condescension.
"I could probably take you in a fight." I put my fists up in front of me.
Josh shut his trig book and inched closer to me. "Really?" He looked at me with a coy expression. Then, without warning, he grabbed my wrists and pushed me onto my back, pinning me to the floor with my arms above my head.
As he looked down at me and his lips turned up on one side of his mouth, I felt many, many things.
"You win," I said breathily while staring at his lips.
He leaned down and, as I shut my eyes expecting him to kiss me, I heard him whisper into my ear, "I know."
To my disappointment, he then let go of my wrists and sat up. I stayed on my back, staring at him, trying to still my thudding heart. The twinkle in his eyes told me that he knew I wanted him to kiss me, that he was messing with me.
"Rude," I muttered quietly. By the time I sat up, he was already back to his math problems.
"Sorry," he said without looking at me. "I'm barely pulling a C right now."
"So stop being stubborn and let me help you."
"I can figure it out." He said it almost defiantly, as if he had something to prove by being able to figure out the angle of a freaking triangle.
I sighed and then, just to be a dick, said, "The answer's B."
He pressed his lips together into a thin line and looked up at me with an irritated expression. He leaned forward, closing the space between us, and said quietly, "You're lucky you're hot, Hill."
In a moment of bravery, maybe because he called me hot, I pushed his chest so that his back was up against the side of my bed. As our faces were only an inch apart, I saw his gaze travel down to my lips. Just before his mouth met mine, I deflected and whispered, "I win."
Then I went back to my textbook as Josh stared at me, looking sort of impressed. Meanwhile, I pretended that my heart wasn't racing and my hands weren't shaking.