X. Forgiveness is Just a Word

Nanairō

I stared at myself in the mirror as I rehearsed how I would tell Miyuki not only the truth about the situation and my gender, but also what his presence did to my nerves, my organs, and my mind. He made everything frazzled and scattered inside of me and I planned to finally get an answer on why.

"You can do this Nanai... Just tell him... He'll understand right?" My thoughts played at my head against my better judgement. I knew I should have told him, but something he said kept resurfacing.

"I'd know that the anxiety I feel around you isn't just anxiety and I'd also be feeling inferior to you... I wouldn't be able to cope with it..."

I felt the weight of his words choke my conscience and confidence. I would never be able to tell him would I? Why should he feel inferior to me? He was always better. It made my insides twist with uncertainty. And what was he feeling that could even remotely resemble anxiety? My head was spinning with questions and just for a moment I forgot about my problems regarding the recent events.

"Satō, did you fall asleep in there?" I jumped at the sound of Nori's concern. "N-no, I'm awake, I'll be out in a moment." I heard a sigh and a mumble through the door at my response. I splashed water at my face to clear my thoughts and dried my hands and face. I walked out of the bathroom to see a crowd of my teammates waiting for me. As soon as they noticed me, a large group of them tackled me into a bone-crushing hug.

"Satō, we never knew you were having trouble being bullied by the other sports teams! You should have told us!" My eye twitched at Kuramochi, who was nearby, standing between a pissed Miyuki and a concerned Nori. Bullied is our cover story? He shrugged nonchalantly. My eyes switched to the megane catcher beside him, who looked like he was going to explode in anger in any second. I could only hope not at me.

"FASTBALL-SEMPAI ARE YOU OKAY? CHEETAH-SEMPAI AND KAWAKAMI-SEMPAI SAID THOSE GUYS WERE BULLYING YOU—" In ran Sawamura who tackled me to the ground after the others separated from me. "I'm okay Sawamura-kun-" Next came Furuya who jumped on me just as I had managed to stand with Sawamura on top of me still. I grimaced as my back hit the ground once again, in a disjunctive manner with my head. I felt a dull throbbing pain at the back of my head sync up with the already pre-existing pain in my lower back. I looked around at my cackling teammates searching for help before finally receiving help from Nori.

"Bakamura! Give him some space!"

"Okay Spitz-sempai!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SPITZ!"

Everyone quickly became distracted by the first year and Jun having a wrestling match on the ground. No one noticed when Miyuki pulled me away to have a conversation. Eventually we were behind the cafeteria when he stopped pulling me.

"Miyuki what is this about?" He looked at me with a knowing look. "You know exactly what this is about, Satō." I frowned. Of course I did. "This again?" He examined me head to toe with a strange look in his eyes. I  stepped backwards but he stepped closer. "Yes, because you always avoid the question. Just answer me." I backed into the wall but he quickly was close enough to me that I felt short of breath. His proximity made my breath hitch in my throat. I could tell him right? "Miyuki— no, Kazuya I—"

"Nanai, Mother said to do your makeup—" I felt my heart drop and a painful throb struck my chest. I pretended not to hear her, but she continued regardless of our company. "Now Nanai!" She grabbed my wrist which seemed to anger Miyuki and myself. I beat him to the reaction though. "No, Nahī. I won't." She grew irritated and yanked at my wrist, causing Miyuki to pull her hand off aggressively. "Miyuki Sempai—" He gave her a dark look so she huffed before turning her sights back to me. "You can't just say no, you know mother will punish you just as she always has. Who is Daddy going to believe? Me, his perfect daughter, or you, his illegitimate mistake of a- whatever you are." I felt my heart break at her words. She was right. I was a mistake I guess. "Nanai is the most talented person I've ever met. She's a talented baseball player, a talented scholar, and apparently a talented manipulator, but that's besides the point. In what way is she a mistake?"

Nahī scoffed lightly. "You said it yourself, she's a manipulative b-" I cut them both off with a harsh tone. "Enough! You know what, screw the Nakatomi name and everyone attached to it. I'm disowning the name. So send mother after me, see what I care. That's your cue to shove it, Nahī." She scoffed loudly before stomping off with glomping strides. I turned to Kazuya. "Thank you for helping me handle her." He simply glared down at me through his glasses. He must've been really angry, then.

"Don't thank me yet, because I don't catch for manipulative people." My heart, which he had somewhat put back together by helping me, now was shattered once again. "Kazuya I only did it because—" He scoffed. "No matter the intentions behind it, you manipulated me. And you can call me Miyuki." I frowned deeply. "Miyuki, you do realize how hypocritical this sounds coming from you right?" He stepped closer as our argument intensified. "Don't tell me that I'm a hypocrite! How many people have you manipulated? Kuramochi? Nori? Azuma? Who else!" I didn't realize I was crying until I noticed the drip patterns on my shirt collar. "Miyuki, that isn't true and you know it—" He laughed humorlessly, his features darkening. "Seriously, how long were you planning to hide it?" I choked on my words. "I had planned on telling you before she interrupted us. But you know what, fine. I'll be the villain. I don't need the forgiveness of a hypocrite, because forgiveness is just a word anyways." I turned to walk away when he reached out and grabbed my wrist, but I promptly ripped it away from his grasp.

I briskly walked to my room, avoiding any glances at my form. I slammed the door after my entrance and locked it. I decided that it was the perfect moment to handle my issues by emailing the school Dean and notifying him of my change of name from Nakatomi Satōshi to Chibana Satōshi. Chibana was my biological mother's surname, so it was only befitting that I used it. I changed into fresh clothes and made sure I looked fully composed before walking to Coach Kataoka's office. It was a quick walk, filled with uncertainty. I knocked on his door, but it seemed he was expecting someone already. Could Miyuki have—? No he wouldn't have, surely. I stepped inside upon receiving verbal permission.

"I'm glad you came to see me, it seems we have matters to discuss. Now, would you to start or shall I?" I sighed. He really did snitch. "Well, for one, my last name is being changed to Chibana." He nodded. "I was notified by the Dean of this. But that doesn't seem to be the only thing I was to be notified about. According to Miyuki, it seems you falsified your documentation by providing the wrong gender. Is he telling the truth?"

"In all honesty, yes. But I did it for the love of baseball, and I've been doing it from an extremely young age. To be precise, when I started playing baseball. If you want to kick me off I understand—" He smirked. "Now whoever said anything about kicking you off the team. Of course, you'll be benched for a week for falsifying documents, but there's no telling when that punishment could come into effect. It could be well after the season for all we know." I smiled for what seemed like the first time of the day. "Thank you, Coach!" He nodded as I bowed formally. "Now, you need to straighten Miyuki out, and I truly wish you luck reigning in his anger." I sighed resignedly. He would be a problem. But I guess I'd have to handle him the same way I always did. "Coach, could you do me a favor and not serperate our battery? I think I know how I would like to handle the situation with him, on the baseball field." Coach nodded. "Yes, now if you'll excuse me, I have work to attend to. Don't be late for this evening's practice." I bowed and took my leave.

•   •   •

I carried my ball bag into the dug out and set it on the bench, getting ready for practice. "Chibana! Miyuki! Get to the bullpen and warm up! We're going to have a scrimmage between First string and second string! So everyone get ready!" My heart quenched in uncertainty. I knew I asked him to do it but I was still nervous. "Who is Chibana? What about Satō?" I shook my head at their cluelessness. I grabbed my glove and walked towards the bullpen before being stopped. "Satō who will warm you up? Miyuki is with whoever Chibana is." I started laughing at Kuramochi and shaking my head, before showing him my new uniform I had received. The surname Nakatomi was replaced by Chibana on my uniform. He nodded in his embarrassment. "I... Disowned my family so I'm using my biological mother's surname." A look of understanding seemed to cross his face. "Well, have fun dealing with him, kyahaha!" I shook my head with a smile at his sudden change in attitude.

I walked into the bullpen to see Miyuki sulking angrily, glaring at the ground. "Careful, you'll burn a hole in the ground." His gave snapped up to meet mine as I walked to the mound. "What are you doing in here, didn't you hear coach call for whoever Chibana is—" His voice dropped off as I turned my back towards him as I got to the top of the mound. I turned around to face him. "Get your gear on, don't waste time." He frowned angrily but complied. Once we were both ready, we fired a ball back and forth between each other to warm our arms up. We continued throwing harder and harder until one of us was ready to concede, which wasn't going to happen anytime soon. If I gave into him, I knew I would lose the fight before putting him in his place, so I fired off the hardest throw I could which resounded through the entire field with a boom. He winced back and his glove was smoking slightly, but he stood still in his place. "Alright that's enough you two, start pitching." Coach scared both of is by his sudden presence and we immediately obeyed. As soon as he left Miyuki expressed his anger. "If you think putting me in my place is going to help you, you're wrong." I scoffed. "Just throw the ball, shut up, and warm me up before Coach benches both of us." He shook his head and threw me the ball, but made no move to put his glove on or pop into position. I sighed. "I'd rather get benched than catch for a manipulative liar. We'll see who gets benched first."  I decided there was one good way to fix his problem. "Put your gear on now unless you plan to never have children. I began my wind up, making him frantically shove on his glove to catch it. He caught it close to the place where the sun doesn't shine. I guess it hit him anyways, because he was quickly doubled over in pain.

"What the— why did you do that?" He frowned loudly and I simply shrugged. "Because I'm a manipulative liar, remember? Get your things and let's go so we can practice before the scrim. Be quick getting your manhood together." I left him there, doubled over in pain. He followed me out soon after, just as our team was taking the field to practice. Kuramochi walked up to me with a concerned look. "We heard a bunch of noise coming from the bullpen, everything okay?" I nodded. "Yep, just straightening out my wife." He grinned. "What's he disobeying about?"

"He found out earlier this evening about the secret." He looked at me in shock. "How'd he handle it?" I shrugged, walking with Kuramochi. "Not well. He told me that he 'doesn't catch for manipulative liars.'  So, I'm putting my wife in his place. He'll learn eventually that he's only hurting himself. Anyways, let's get ready!" Kuramochi grinned before messing up my hair and separating to go to his position. I walked up the mound, earning looks from Miyuki and the second string who were warming their arms up outside of the field.

Miyuki begrudgingly put on his gear and glove.  He dropped into a squat so we could practice plays. Coach shouted a play for us to enact. Miyuki waited, refusing to offer a call, so I pitched as fast and hard as I could on a slider. He seemed to perceive that it would be a fastball and didn't react in time to prevent the slider from hitting him dead in the left shoulder. It did fall into his glove, though. He visibly flinched backwards. That's right, I'm a catcher too. I can read the situation just as well as you can. You can't punish me like I can punish you.

He quickly popped out of his squat and speed walked to the mound. He stopped and handed me the ball aggressively. "What was that, Satō. You've never pitched that kind of ball before, so why now!" I stepped closer and grabbed him by the collar and pulled him face to face with me. "You know why I did that? To prove a point. If you can't lead then get off of the field! We're both catchers, so that whole refusing to call 'punishment' doesn't work on me. Because it's more of a punishment for you. So please, tell me why I shouldn't put you in your place. You're a 2nd year, the 1st years look up to you. So stop acting like a child and get over it." I let go and he stumbled back. He walked back to his place behind the plate, but this time instead of anger, his eyes showed understanding of the situation.

He made a call for a fastball down the middle full strength, and I delivered it and then ducked down. It landed right where he asked for it and he quickly popped up and threw over the mound to second base, which was received by Kuramochi and thrown to First base and then back home. Miyuki threw it back and nodded. I'm glad we got that under control... He crouched as Coach made another play call.

Later the second string joined us on the field and so the scrim began. We were first to bat and I was second round cleanup. Miyuki was 7-hole and the rest of the lineup went as usual. We got through 6 batters, easily cutting through their defense with 4 runs and two outs. Miyuki walked up to the plate as I walked to the warm-up circle to watch the pitcher's pattern. He did the same pattern of pitches, fastball, curve ball, changeup, rinse and repeat. Miyuki continued hitting fouls and I could tell he was struggling with the pitcher's natural drop. "Hey Miyuki! Picture it's my head on the ball and take out your rage!" He bit back a shit-eating grin and I heard Snickers from the dugouts. It seemed I had broken his cycle of foul after foul, because he finally hit it and loaded the bases up. Just how I like it. I stepped up to the plate and got into the left batters box. I showed a bunt early, knowing it would pull their defense in, and that it did. Miyuki and Haruichi grinned, knowing what I was planning. "What is Fastball-sempai showing a bunt for?" I heard laughter from the dugout. I pulled back the bat as the pitcher delivered the pitch and hit the ball with a clean sweep across. Fastball, predictable. I watched the ball fly over the fence and began my trot around the bases.

I saw many of the second string players glaring at me as the pitcher was crying, so as I crossed home I walked towards the mound to meet their pitcher. "What do you want... Isn't a Grand Slam enough?" I smiled softly. "You want to improve right? After the game, meet me in the bullpen. I want to help you." A mixed look of confusion, surprise, and happiness crossed his facial expression. I quickly walked back to the dugout where I was greeted by bone crushing hugs and slaps on the back.

"Kyahaha! Who would've thought so much power could be in that little bitty body!" I rolled my eyes and "accidentally" elbowed him in the side. "Sorry Kuramochi!" He grunted but laughed regardless. I heard people mumbling. "...Yeah I wonder what's going on with Miyuki and Satō... They've been acting weird all day..." I turned to see Jun and Haruichi voicing their concerns with Captain Yuuki. "I trust those two to handle a kink in their relationship." I heard someone sputter on the water they were drinking. I heard Kuramochi, Jun, and Haruichi cackling at Yuuki's innocent misuse of the word kink. I covered my face with my hands to hide the rising blood flushing my face. I heard Miyuki groan in annoyance and cover his face as people started jousting with him. "What's funny guys? Is it something I said?" Jun patted Yuuki's back through his laughter tears. "Captain, I don't really think Satō and Bakazuya's kinks are any of the team's business." It seemed to have dawned on the extremely dense captain what Jun was referring to, because he turned beet red. I saw Miyuki's ears turn red as well. "WHAT? FASTBALL-SEMPAI AND BAKAZUYA ARE GAY?" I faced palmed at Sawamura's dense personality.

"No, they're only insinuating we are. Besides, we all know that if Tweedledee was gay for anyone, it'd be Tweedledum." Kuramochi put me in a headlock, which I quickly reversed on him. Our wrestling session was interrupted by Coach shouting. "Out three! Change!" I quickly let go of Kuramochi and snatched my glove from the  bench only to be stopped at the exit by Chris. "Coach said you're catching this upcoming inning, go get your gear on and warm up Sawamura-kun please. Tanba will pitch with Miyuki this inning." I nodded and turned around. I walked straight into someone and stumbled backwards and fell awkwardly. I landed with a wince as my left wrist popped painfully. Whoever I ran into quickly reached out to give me a hand with a muttered apology. They pulled me up by the left hand, which caused me to flinch slightly at the throbbing. I looked up and saw Miyuki frowning at my wrist but saying nothing. He didn't press it though, and quickly left.  I struggled with my gear as Sawamura pressured me to hurry. I felt my wrist sliding and popping against itself. Please tell me it's not dislocated... I rolled my wrist, which caused pain which was easy to mask, but hard to function through, as I felt myself break out into a cold sweat.

I eventually followed Sawamura into the bullpen, electing to use my right hand to catch and throw instead of the left. Everytime I caught a throw, and eventually a pitch, the pain became more and more apparent on my features. It surely was getting worse, and the severity of the pain was too. Eventually Sawamura had his fill and we waited at the entrance of the bullpen for the change in battery to made. I practically had to lean against the side to remain upright as a pain induced cold-sweat and a constant throbbing rendered me helpless. Eventually we were subbed in and we finished out the quarter.

Later, in about the 5th quarter, Nori was subbed in for Sawamura and we finished up the scrim 16-5. As I was packing my things while the dugout was vacated by First-string members, I noticed Miyuki staying behind, waiting. "If you want to get into an argument about what I did earlier let me atleast get some sleep first—" I bit my lip and sucked in a breath as he wordlessly approached and grabbed my wrist between his forefingers. "You're hurt." He had his angry frown rather than his usual amused smirk. "I'm not—" He cut me off by applying pressure. "Really, then why are you sweating so much? You rarely sweat this much, even pitching an entire game." I bit down on my lip to keep from crying out in pain when he bent my wrist using his fingers. He must have noticed the pain he was causing, because a momentary look of regret crossed his eyes. He gently rubbed the spot on my wrist, his calloused hands still having the same effect as before as they ghosted my skin. I felt my breath hitch on an exclamation of pain when he popped something in my hand back in place.

I wheezed out quiet profanities as he snickered. "Never knew you used such colorful language." He called out when I glared at him. "Can I?" I noticed him preparing to do something to my wrist with the way his fingers were aligned. "Might as well, you've already done it alre—" A wheeze of pain and relief escaped my lips. He must have popped whatever was out of place back in. But I guess the wheeze must have sounded like something else because I saw his ears turning red. "Was that a—" I glared, daring him to finish his sentence. "No, what do you take me for?" He grinned before leaning closer. His proximity was intoxicating. Heart stop working against me here! My heart ignored my mind and pounded faster against my ribcage. My hand was still captive in his, his hands shifting lightly against my skin. Is this...? He was just inches from me when he examined my face with an impassive look. He leaned closer to my ear and whispered, his lips grazing my ear as he did, sending my heart flying a hundred miles a hour. "A girl..." His voice was different somehow. Was the sexual tension affecting him too? Or was it just me?.

He leaned back but as I looked at his face and his eyes, I realized that it wasn't an impassive look he was wearing at all. He leaned so that he was centimeters away from my face and grazed his lips over my jaw, making me melt at his touch. He seemed to realize this, because he continued down the side of my neck, which caused an involuntary moan to rise at my throat. Luckily I bit it down and saved myself the embarrassment. We both seemed to have forgotten that we were being intimate because it felt right. But as soon as he seemed to have realized what we were doing, he snapped up, his face turning scarlet. He might've just found a new shade of red with how embarrassed he was. I snickered and decided it was my turn to mess with him for a change. I leaned closer on my tippy toes and stopped centimeters from his lips. "Kazuya, I was right. Forgiveness is just a word." I backed away quickly with a grin as he chased me around the now desolate dugout until he caught me.

He held me captive with a dark grin. "You've asked for it now..." He leaned closer, and as I thought he would actually kiss me, he licked the side of my face. I stood there in shock as a cackling Miyuki rolled on the ground laughing. "Oh that's it!" He jumped up and ran away, opting to run out on the field. Bad idea, more space for me to run full speed. I sprinted after the catcher who was wearing a shit eating grin. Within seconds I was nipping at his heels so I tackled him. We wrestled and exchanged who was putting who in a headlock until eventually I came out on top. Literally and figuratively speaking. I was pinning his legs down and sitting on his chest. I stuck my arms up in victory but I was short lived, as he grabbed my waist and flipped our position so that his hands were pinning mine and his shins pinning my legs down. He wore a shit-eating grin that turned into the same expression as before. I wanted to put my hand against his chest to see if his heart was pounding as erratically as mine, but my hands were pinned. He rolled off of me, realizing what this could have been perceived as, and laid on his back looking up at the night sky.

"Does your wrist feel better?" He broke the comfortable silence that had resided for minutes. I hadn't even noticed that it stopped hurting. "Yeah, I guess it stopped hurting at some point earlier." He nodded. The silence resumed, except this time there was something looking in it, curiosity? "Can I ask you a question?" He laughed obnoxiously at something that was humorless. "You already did." I rolled my eyes and elbowed him in the side. "Yes." I took a deep breath preparing myself to ask the question that has been bouncing around in my head for months.

"What happened back there... Was that... You know..." I turned red and turned my head to the opposite side do that he couldn't see me struggling with it. He gently pulled my arm the opposite side of where he was now propped up on his side and pulled me to face him. What I expected to be an amused grin or a teasing remark was a face of unflinching seriousness. "Yes it was. Before this morning... I just thought I was gay... But when I found out I felt betrayed. By you for not telling me, by my mind for convincing me to think I was gay, and by myself for feeling something... I didn't think about how I hurt you... And I'm sorry. I took things too far." I placed my hand against his chest and felt his heart pounding as hard as mine was. I bit my lip, feeling a strange tingling in my stomach. "I'm sorry I lied to you about my gender. I have been concealing it ever since I was a small child so that I could play baseball. Baseball has always been my dream, and when I met you, you pushed me through the roughest parts of our First Year, unbeknownst to you." A faint smile appeared to ghost his lips. But our moment was quickly ruined.

"Get away from our daughter."