Do you have a place that makes you feel at peace?
I love to go to the river down the local den. It's a forested area steeped in ghost stories and talk of fairies. My favourite part has a really high cliff on the otherside of the river and it always makes me think about how long the water has been rushing past this way for it to carve into the rock as it has. Always feel better after a walk there.
Chapter 3
Farrin and Astrid had gone quiet by the time I decided I'd scrubbed myself as clean as I could. Turning and expecting to see them watching, I found they'd disappeared, and it was an all together different gaze I met.
Burning amber eyes bored into mine instead, heating my body in such a way that I barely felt the icy river brushing against my skin. Lounging on the banking much like Farrin had, sat Hati, his lips pulled up into a lecherous grin. Blonde hair curled around his shoulders and framed the angles of his face, his sunkissed skin glowing even with the sky darkened by thick snow clouds.
"How long have you been there?" I asked, surprised by the huskiness in my voice.
Sitting forward, he let his gaze rake over the length of me as I slowly stood. It was a consuming feeling to be looked at so hungrily; as much as it was overwhelming. Fire scorched my veins, my skin flushing at his open appraisal. He leaned further forward still as I twisted my hair to dry it, his eyes following the water trailing down my skin, wetting his lips as if he wanted to catch each one with his tongue. . .
"Long enough," he finally answered, as roughly as I had. "Come here before you freeze."
I sighed, letting the fingers of one hand trail in the steady flow of the river. "I don't think I'm ready to come out yet. Something tells me this is the last moment of peace I'll have for a while."
"I'll make sure it's not. Come here," he commanded again, holding up one of the cloths Astrid and Farrin had left for me.
If it weren't for the heated look in his eyes, I might have denied him again, maybe even tried to get him to join me. He looked much more inviting on the shore though.
Picking my way over slippery pebbles and rocks covered in green slime, I found I couldn't lift my gaze as a mix of desire and shyness crept over me. What was there to be shy about now? He'd seen me naked more than he'd seen me dressed, and he'd explored more of my body than I had myself. I was a skinshifter, I reminded myself. A nomad. When had being undressed in front of anyone so much as made me blink?
Hati chuckled as he swept the towels around my shoulders and started vigorously rubbing the scratchy material to bring warmth back to my limbs. I nearly purred as he worked to make sure every inch of me was dry, my lips twitching when he focussed his attention too long on my rear. Despite his efforts, parts of my hair had already frozen, small crystal-like balls glinting in the low hanging sun as it peeked through a break in the clouds.
"You look like Skaði," he teased, fingering a lock of frozen hair. The warmth of his touch began to melt it so drops of freezing water dropped onto my chest. His smile grew as I shuddered, and his firelit eyes held mine as he leaned in to lap at the swell of my breast.
The Goddess of winter most likely didn't find the cold as uninviting as I did in that moment. I wanted our furs. Our bed. To get swept away in the feel of his body against mine as he moved in me. . .
"We shouldn't be making jokes and being intimate," I muttered, guilt dampening my spirit again. Tugging my hair free of his grip, I rounded a now frowning Hati to pick up my dress. The material clung to my skin, damp hair getting stuck beneath the neckline, but calloused fingers quickly helped free it.
Warm breath fanned the back of my neck as Hati murmured, "We're allowed to keep living our lives, Little Alpha. One can mourn and still find happiness; it does not lessen our loss or bring disrespect. It would be disrespectful to put our lives on hold when one of ours no longer has the chance to live at all."
I shook my head, grinding my teeth together. Bruadar's death was different. It was my fault. My duty was to find who did it. To protect the pack from further harm caused by me. To keep my family safe. Even from myself if it turned out Skoll was right, that I had enough power that the Gods should be wary. . .
"Eabha."
The use of my name startled me as I twisted to glance up at him. His expression was pleading, nearly desperate.
"I just found you. We've only just found out footing together-"
"So because I want to grieve and avenge, you think it means I no longer want you?" I snapped defensively. "I simply don't think we should be selfish in our wants when there are Blood Drinkers to hunt down, angry Gods to placate or destroy, and realms under threat. Bruadar is dead. His killer could be sitting at our fires right now. Until all that is dealt with, how can we think to do anything else?"
Hati's lips pressed together at my tone, and he straightened up to speak in a low tone, "Vengeance is not a thing to live for. That is how you end up like Sköll, or Vali. Grief can distort and corrupt just as much, and I refuse to let you so much as set a foot down that path. We will find the spies in the pack, and we will deal with Skoll, but that is not what I will spend my every waking second focussing on while months, years, or even centuries slip by."
The electric spark of an Alpha's indignation flurried in the air. I felt the answer of my own power thrumming under my skin as irritation flared within. That he'd even speak of me in the same sentence as Sköll as he had, both rattled and infuriated me. At first I wanted to scream at him, but that would get us nowhere. Especially as I could see his patience was wearing thin enough already as I held his gaze, refusing to back down.
I thought he might growl, demand submission, maybe even take it as he had that day on the road. But then he suddenly muttered something to himself and shook his head up at the sky in exasperation.
"Stop doing that." Fisting my hands, I huffed like a petulant pup. "I know what you're doing when you look up there. What are you begging of the gods? To make me be more compliant?"
The damn male laughed.
The sound boomed out to bounce all along the mountains, even as he managed to flash fangs in warning at the same time. Cupping my face in his warm hands, he shook his head slowly. "On the contrary. I would have you no other way than glaring and growling at me because you know I speak true."
He stole a kiss before I could offer up a snarky reply. I might have melted a little, one of my hands resting against his chest where I could feel the beat of his heart. He got no bared neck, but I lowered my gaze and decided to let it rest at that, allowing myself to lean against him.
"There," he purred, lowering his head to nuzzle against my throat.
"There what?"
"My relaxed female." Teeth nipped gently at my throat as he cradled me. "I promised I would make sure you have time for peace. Take it. With what I have in mind, the rest of this ice will be melted off in no time and you'll be ready to deal with what awaits us once we make it back inside. You can fight me all you wish, Little Alpha, if it pleases you. But you deserve peace too."
Did I?
"You do," he repeated, though I hadn't said a word. He tugged me more firmly against his chest, nearly rough as he enforced that claim once more. "It took me a long time to accept that too. Not until Astrid was born did I realise it was alright not to live my life forever as Sköll's pursuer. His hunter. We have a pack, we need to protect it yes, but how do you expect us to take care of the pack if we don't take care of ourselves. Our needs matter too."
I clung onto him all the tighter, my heart clenching. We, he'd said. We have a pack. Our pack.
Breathing in his scent, I tried to let go of the guilt. He was right. We were allowed to keep going. I was allowed to seek comfort and safety in whatever way I had to.
"If we see my parents now, it won't matter what the council think of our mating, it will already be done," I mumbled against his roughspun tunic.
Squeezing my hip, Hati leaned back to see my face with a sly smirk. "What you suggest would be all but a mutiny. The council would take great offence; though it would please me to see a few of them put in their place in such a way. The council are far too involved in my personal life. . ."
"The whole pack will soon be involved in our personal life, and I'm alright with that as there's been enough said about me that more will not bother me in the slightest. . ." I sighed, unhappy that there was so much protocol to get used to. "We should wait before causing upheaval in the pack by announcing a new Alpha Female. You're right, we're allowed to carve out time for ourselves, but the spy is our priority. I don't think I'll be able to sleep without someone watching over me until I know we've caught them. I won't be able to sleep for worrying about whether my family might be targeted. Even if Sköll keeps his word, this wolf might not be so happy laying low. They might bring further trouble."
"Skoll would never order the killing of a pup." His voice was certain, and I thought there was even a measure of respect. There seemed to be so many unspoken rules between the two brothers that I couldn't even begin to understand.
If only Sköll wasn't so far gone to the dark, he might realise we all wanted the same thing really. Hati wished he would see his wrongs even now; I knew he did. He still just wanted his brother back.
"You have a point though," he spoke again after a moment of silence. "Caldar and Eirny have looked over Bruadar's body, and the scene, and found little to help. In all honesty, having this spy cause a little more trouble might help us catch them. The more I think about it, the more I'm not convinced Ingrid alone fanned the flames of the rumours about you. It would have been to Sköll's benefit if such stories and mistrust chased you from the pack and straight into his arms. . ." His brow furrowed. "Not that it matters right now. Right now, I need to focus on what I'm going to tell the pack tonight. I wish you could stand by my side when I do."
It was my turn to comfort.
Pain flickered in misted amber eyes, even though he turned his face to hide it from me. Even if Magne hadn't ordered me to remind Hati he was allowed to lean on others, I would have done so anyway. I hadn't known Bruadar well, but he had. He mourned. He would feel guilty too; perhaps even more so. I had glimpsed the turmoil one suffered as an Alpha when certain you've failed your pack.
Wrapping my arms around him, I held him as tight as I could. "I'm sorry for the burdens you have to bear. If I can take no blame for Bruadar's death, then nor can you."
"I am not sorry, Little Alpha." His arms came up and around me, his fingers digging in tight but I didn't have the heart to tell him. "I bear them gladly. The pack will mourn, and they will be frightened, suspicious even. We can't keep the fact there's an infiltrator a secret anymore than we can keep Sköll a secret much longer either. It's going to be hard for us all in the coming weeks."
"You'll keep us steady. You keep me steady."
"Do I?" he requested on a chuckle. "I was under the impression I did quite the opposite."
I hummed, smiling against his chest. He did indeed do the opposite too. We both seemed well able to strike the right nerves with one another, more so than was probably healthy in a relationship between mates; but that kept me anchored as much as his calm spoken logic often did when my thoughts directed themselves into swirling anxiety.
Loosening his grip, he urged me to turn and head back to the castle with him. "I intend to steal some sleep with you in my arms before everyone gathers tonight. Maybe even a kiss."
"I wish I could give you that," I murmured, keeping his hand firmly in mine. "But I should check on my family; the news will worry them. Ingrid will be upset too, Bruadar told me they were friends. And Linnea. . .Gods, she's going to be heartbroken. She was so eager to see him come home."
Glancing up, I found Hati smiling down at me, yet I couldn't think of anything I'd said that would gain it.
"You never stopped being their Alpha did you? And now you take Ingrid and Linnea under your wing too. I knew the two of you had found common ground, but to see you concerned for Ingrid?" He shook his head and stopped, his eyes searching my face. "I do admire you. I don't think I'd have been so forgiving."
"I never found forgiveness to be the hard part. Giving trust is. If she breaks it again, I may still forgive her, but I'll never trust her again." Shifting uneasily at the look of adoration in his eyes, I added, "And I'm not acting as an Alpha, I'm acting as a friend. Speaking of, you need to make more of them."
He snorted as I swept past him, and I gave him a grin over my shoulder.
"I have friends!" he called after me, following me inside until we reached where we'd part ways.
"You, do. Of course you do." Rising on tiptoe, I pressed a kiss to his cheek. "But you can never have too many. Astrid and I were talking-" Hati interrupted me with a groan and an eye roll, but stopped when I pursed my lips. "You should eat with the pack, properly. Sit with them. Talk to them. That will comfort them more than anything you could announce about patrols or warriors or promises of revenge. It will bring them closer to you. A pack should be close with their Alpha. They should feel like you're a member of their family."
There was that look of awe again, one that made blush right to my roots as he cupped my cheek, his thumb playing over my bottom lip. "So wise at such a young age. I hear what you say, and I will think about it. Being close with the pack might give me a better chance of catching out our spy."
I huffed and he chuckled. He'd purposefully missed my point.
"Yes, and I would relish the chance to bond with everyone. You scold me so easily, my mate."
I wanted to hush him, worried someone would hear, but instead I broke out into another grin that quickly fell again. When I saw my family, would it be right to tell them about Hati and I in light of the other news? I wanted my parents to have the honour of first acknowledging us as mates. They never got the chance to do so with MÃ nas and it would be many years before my siblings were old enough to take mates of their own.
"Do not frown, Little Alpha. Tell your family we are petitioning the council for our mating; though it will be happening whatever they say. Ask them to keep it quiet until we formally announce it, and I will make sure your parents are at the meeting so they may do whatever your traditions require."
Did my expression give away my thoughts so easily?
I wasn't sure how the council would feel about the presence of my parents, but I trusted Hati would find a way to make it so. Unfortunately, the pups wouldn't be able to keep a secret, nor did I quite believe Fionnlagh would manage to keep the news from Ulli. Telling my parents alone would suffice. Bruadar's light deserved to shine alone while the pack grieved.
We parted with another heady kiss, one that left my lips tingling for ages after. His fingers tangled in my hair and I was as disappointed as him when we managed to part. Those beautiful eyes, glowing a bright gold now, were hooded with desire.
Mine, I thought, stroking my fingers along the scruff of his beard. This male was most assuredly mine.
"Rest well for tonight."
"I will rest as well as I can without you to keep me warm." He nipped my lip before backing away towards his den. "Perhaps I will have to close my eyes and imagine that you are there."
I was certain that wasn't all he would be imagining.