Chapter 18: Always Red: Chapter 19

The sight of Caleb’s handsome face greeted me in the morning as I opened my eyes. He was lying on his stomach, his pink lips slightly parted as he slept peacefully, his arm wrapped around my hip.

He needed a haircut, I thought, noting that his hair was long enough now to cover his eyes. It was sticking up everywhere…like someone had buried their hands in it and pulled…

Oh God.

I did that to his hair last night when…

I think about your taste…in my mouth.

I shut my eyes, my breath hitching. The sound must have woken him up because I felt him move.

“Good morning, my Red,” he said quietly. Huskily.

I knew it. You’re intoxicating here too…

When I felt his lips on my neck, felt his arm pull me closer, I jumped off the bed, snatched the blanket, and hastily wrapped it around me.

I let out a horrified squeak, covering my face with my hands.

Naked.

Caleb was naked!

Oh God.

My eyes shifted from below his torso to his eyes. He was watching me, unperturbed, completely unselfconscious as he sprawled naked on the bed. He took in my reaction, biting his lip as he tried unsuccessfully to keep from laughing.

I grabbed the pillow and threw it right at his groin. I heard his oof! before I ran—no, more like waddled like a panicked penguin—into the bathroom.

I vaguely registered Caleb’s laughter and nearly tripped over the clothes lying on the floor. Were those his boxers?

Closing the door with a thud, I turned the lock and sat on the floor.

Oh God.

I covered my face with my hands, shaking my head.

“Red?”

I froze.

“You okay there, love?” There was laughter in his voice, and that made my face feel hotter.

No. Definitely not okay. “I’m fine! I need a minute.”

“Please open the door.”

Open the door? No way. “I need to shower, Caleb.”

My eyes widened as I heard him jiggling the doorknob. I scooted across the floor so I was leaning against the door. Just in case.

“Well, then open the door. I want in.”

In? My hands went limp, and I barely caught the blanket before it fell from my body. “What?”

“I want to shower with you.”

“No,” I said weakly. “Just…no.”

There was no reply on the other side of the door. Maybe he’d already left.

“I love you, Red.”

My heart stuttered. It did every time he said those words.

It was a quiet declaration, but I heard it nonetheless. His voice felt so close that I only had to close my eyes and imagine he was behind me, without the door between us.

“Want pancakes?”

I nodded before realizing he couldn’t see me. “Pancakes. Great. Sounds great.”

“Okay.”

When I heard the door close, I got up from the floor, turned on the water, and stepped into the shower, wincing at the unwelcome soreness between my legs. I closed my eyes, sighing at the delicious feel of warm water on my face.

I felt…different. Somehow I was more aware of my own body, of the places that I never thought were sensitive and that had never made me feel almost-desperate longing until last night. A picture of Caleb above me, green eyes intense as he watched my face, lips slightly parted as he touched my breasts…

I shook my head, reaching for the soap.

Caleb had been very considerate, sweet, and…thorough last night.

And I…I hadn’t done anything but lie there.

A groan escaped my throat as I replayed everything I had—or had not—done last night.

Caleb had slept with a lot of girls before me.

The thought of him doing the things he had done to me to other girls made my heart hurt. Made me feel jealous. And insecure.

I knew the girls who came before me didn’t mean anything to him, that I was his first love, but he had shared his body with them. They had, I was sure, satisfied him because they knew how to please a guy, and I…didn’t.

Why didn’t I do anything to please him last night? I glared at his shampoo as I squeezed some into my palm and massaged my hair with it.

I hated being a cliché about this, but I couldn’t help thinking: How was it for him last night? Was he…satisfied? Did I please him?

I hated these thoughts.

What was I supposed to do? Ask him?

Hey, Caleb, did you have fun last night? Even though you did all the work?

Hey, Caleb. I know this is awkward, but…if you could rate last night, would that be excellent, good, average, or poor?

No. Just no.

I was driving myself nuts.

Even if I didn’t satisfy him, I was sure he wouldn’t admit it to me. He’d be worried about what I would think and feel.

What if I didn’t please him at all?

Would he…would he find someone else to satisfy those needs?

I almost pulled my hair out as I rinsed. I let those thoughts swirl in my head as I finished my shower. And was still thinking about them when I stepped out.

Maybe I could ask him to rate it on a scale of one to ten. Correction—zero to ten.

No? No.

How about grading it with stars?

Just shut up! Zip it. Put a sock in it.

Fog covered the mirror, and I scrubbed it with my ringless hand. I reached for the ring, stroking the round shape of it. I had removed it and looped it around the necklace Caleb gave me last night before we left Kara’s. Now all I needed was my bag so I could get ready. My bag. The one I’d left in the kitchen.

Damn it.

Carefully, I opened the door. And my heart melted for the second time this morning when I spotted my bag beside the door.

Caleb must have placed it there.

I remembered the time at Kara’s when I’d asked Caleb to leave my things on the counter and I’d found him standing there waiting for me while I was in a towel.

I grabbed my bag and didn’t waste time in pulling on jeans and a fitted, white gypsy tube top that ended just below my navel. There were red flowers stitched along the borders and white lace trim. The top showed off my shoulders. It was something that I usually didn’t wear, but Kara had bought it for me and I really liked it. I wished I could see my reflection in the mirror, but it was still foggy.

Huffing in frustration, I realized I had forgotten to bring my blow-dryer with me last night since I was in a hurry. I had no choice but to put my hair up in a bun on top of my head. I hated tying my hair when it was still wet.

I quickly made the bed, nearly groaning when I spotted Caleb’s boxers and jeans on the floor.

Oh God.

Caleb had a habit of leaving a trail of clothes on the floor, and he never picked them up, no matter how much I reminded him.

And—oh God. My clothes would be… Last night… The kitchen floor…

Had he picked them up?

Stop procrastinating. It’s time to face the music!

I blew out a breath and stepped out of Caleb’s bedroom. I smelled the pancakes right away.

I paused when I saw him in the kitchen. His back was to me, his head down as he busied himself over the stove. He was shirtless, the muscles in his arms and back rippling as he moved to grab the butter on the counter.

Déjà vu.

I felt transported to that first time I’d seen Caleb in his apartment. I could picture him in my mind. He had turned around, and as he’d spotted me standing exactly where I was standing now, a piece of bread had fallen out of his mouth.

I laughed quietly. Caleb turned at the sound, his handsome face softening as he smiled at me. His green eyes tracked my movement as I walked to him.

My heart did a long, slow jump in my chest.

I felt him draw a deep breath as I wrapped my arms around him, burrowing my nose in his neck. His arms automatically embraced me.

“I love you, Caleb.”

He rested his chin on top of my head.

“Again, Red,” he coaxed. “You almost got it. Keep saying it.”

“I love you.”

He let out a mock frustrated sigh, shaking his head. “You need to do that a million times more before I’ll feel satisfied.”

I stiffened at the word satisfied.

Was he?

“Hmm… You smell like my shampoo and my soap.” He nuzzled my cheek. “I like that.”

Smelling the pancakes, I stepped away from his embrace so I could finish cooking them.

“What time is your class?” he asked, twirling a loose strand of my hair with his finger.

“Not till three.”

“Good. We have time to… What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Take a shower. I’ll finish making the pancakes.”

But he turned the stove off, then held my face between his hands.

“I know that face. Tell me what’s on your mind, Red.”

“I said ‘nothing.’”

“Was I too rough last night?”

I could feel the blush flushing my cheeks. “No.”

“Then what is it?” he demanded.

I let out a frustrated breath and tried to step away from him again, but he wouldn’t budge.

“I don’t know. I’ve never had sex before. And you…you haven’t said anything. Let me go.”

I shook his hands off and stepped back.

“You have no idea what last night meant to me, do you?” he asked.

I raised my eyes to his, challenging.

“Everything,” he whispered, kissing me softly. “It meant everything.”

It wasn’t what he said but the way he said it. The way his eyes looked at me, the way his hands held me to him.

He meant it, I realized.

And just like that, my insecurities vanished.

“It was perfect.” He looked at me with suddenly hooded eyes, which were turning a darker green. “I can’t stop thinking about last night. I want you again. It was wildly erotic. The sounds you made, how good you felt when I was inside—”

I shrieked and covered his mouth, blushing furiously. “Okay.” I blew out a breath. “Okay.”

I felt foolish now for letting my insecurities get the better of me.

His eyes glittered wickedly as he pulled my hand down and placed it on his chest. “Did you enjoy last night?” He blinked slowly, his lashes casting shadows on his cheeks. “Did I make you feel good?”

I didn’t know I could blush harder than I was already. When his hand slowly slid behind my waist, his fingers seeking the skin on my lower back, I swallowed a moan.

“Can I—”

I didn’t give him a chance to finish as I moved away from him, but the vulnerability in his eyes stopped me from walking away. It had never crossed my mind that he would feel the same insecurities I felt. He wanted to know if last night was good for me too.

“It was,” I said breathlessly. “Really good.”

I groaned inside.

It was really good?

What kind of response was that? But when I looked up at him again, his eyes were smiling and I knew he understood what I meant.

He was right. It was perfect.

“Why don’t you take a seat?” he suggested, pulling out a chair for me. “And let me cook breakfast for my queen.”

As he busied himself again at the stove, I quietly grabbed Mr. Clean and a rag and vigorously cleaned the counter, hoping to block last night’s memories from my mind.

Keep cool and clean.

I kept my back to him, biting my lip and knowing my face was crab red while I scrubbed. I searched the floor for any of my clothing but didn’t see them anywhere.

Where had he put them? I decided not to ask him and to look for them later.

Breakfast was a stack of distorted pancakes—Caleb had gotten better at making them, since there were no eggshells—charred bacon, and fruit cut into bite-size pieces.

I told him I was giving him an A for effort. He seemed pleased.

I had insisted that we eat on the balcony, not at the counter. He flashed me a meaningful smile but thankfully didn’t say anything.

Since we had a few more hours before my classes started—his wasn’t till four—we grabbed our textbooks and started studying.

I stared at the same page for fifteen minutes, absorbing nothing.

Caleb sat across from me. He was wearing a black muscle shirt, his toned arms exposed. My eyes followed the line of his neck, the strong, sharp curve of his jaw. His eyes were focused on the book in front of him, a little furrow in his brow marring his smooth forehead. I’d noticed he had a habit of biting the end of his pen, as he was doing now. My gaze shifted to admire the shape of his lips, the way they parted slightly so the end of the pen was just inside his mouth. His mouth…

His eyes suddenly slid up to mine.

And my breath caught.

His grin was slow. And knowing. Naughty.

I averted my gaze and reached for the orange juice. Drank deeply.

“Hey, Red?”

I placed the glass back on the coaster with a loud clunk.

“What?” I injected irritation into my voice, flipping to the next page in my book. Pretending to read.

I didn’t need to look to know he still had that mischievous grin on his lips.

“Want a kiss?”

I bit my lip, which desperately wanted to form a smile. “No.”

He leaned closer. “I do.” He pouted his lips for a kiss.

I let out a strangled laugh. “Caleb, move over.”

“Sure thing.” He moved his chair closer so our arms touched. “Close enough?”

His phone started vibrating, and since it was on the table, my eyes automatically glanced at the screen.

It was Beatrice-Rose calling him. He ignored it.

“My kiss, Red, where—”

It rang again.

I sighed. “Aren’t you going to answer that?”

“No.” He shrugged. “I have nothing to say to her.” He grabbed his phone and turned it off.

What did it say about me that I felt thrilled that he’d turned his phone off so he could concentrate on me? Just me.

He reached for my hand, interlacing our fingers.

“Is it okay with you if we don’t make an announcement yet?” I asked him carefully. “I’ll tell Kar and Beth when I see them, but besides them, let’s just keep it to ourselves for now.”

He leaned away from me, but not before I saw the hurt look in his eyes. “Why?”

“Caleb, it’s not what you’re thinking. I…” I paused, gathering my thoughts. I knew I had to find the right words to make him understand. I hated seeing him hurt.

I turned to face him. He was sprawled on his seat, his head bowed low so I wouldn’t see his eyes.

“This. Us. It’s too important to me,” I began, willing him to understand. “I’m too selfish to share this with the world yet. I’m not ready. I want—”

He cut me off with a gentle, tender kiss.

“Okay, Red,” he said softly, smiling. “Okay.”

It was hard not to smile back. “Thank you.”

“But I’m telling everyone at my party.”

I sighed. “All right.”

“But you still won’t move in with me.”

“Can we talk about this after finals?”

“Let’s talk about it now.” There was just enough authority and demand in his voice to raise my hackles.

“Why are you being testy?” I asked, frustrated.

“Testy? I’m not the one who is refusing to live together.”

“You know why.”

“I don’t know why, because you won’t even discuss it.”

“It’s different now,” I said simply.

He waited for me to continue.

“It’s not like before when you were just helping me. We’re…engaged now, Caleb.”

There was a flutter in my stomach at the word engaged. It was still so new, so overwhelming, so…wonderful.

“Exactly. All the more reason for you to be living with me.”

“Caleb…”

“What’s the real reason? Why won’t you tell me?”

He would push and push until he was satisfied. Or until he had me convinced that what he wanted was what I wanted too. It was just the way he was.

“Your mother,” I admitted finally.

“What?”

“Your mother doesn’t like me. I can’t imagine she’d approve of our engagement. And if we moved in together, she will dislike me more. I”—I raised my hands in frustration—“I want her to like me,” I confessed quietly. “I know how important she is to you, Caleb. And I want her to like me because it’s important to you.”

“Red,” he murmured, reaching for me. “I love you. It makes me happy that you want to make me happy. Baby, look at me.”

He tipped my chin up so I was looking straight into his green eyes.

“You’re what’s important to me. You matter to me more than anyone in this world. More than anyone,” he repeated. “And I can’t wait to start our lives together. Nothing else matters. Move in with me.” He pulled me closer. “Please?”

I’d known this was going to happen. “Okay.” I let out a soft sigh. “But I want to give your mom some time to get used to the idea first.”

“She will love you. How can she not? We’ll get your stuff from Kar’s—”

“Caleb!”

I stepped away from him and let out a frustrated sound, tears threatening to spill. I didn’t know how I could explain what was really bothering me. I told him I wanted his mom to like me because it was important to him—and that was totally true. But deep down, it wasn’t the only reason.

His parents were getting divorced, but he still had both of them. They were still alive. He grew up with the support of his mother, his brother. When my mom died, I had…no one. Some nights I would wake up, unbearably sad and lonely, wishing for my mom. And I knew, just as sure as the sun would rise, that she would never be back. I would never hear her voice again or see her face. A heavy pain in my chest always came at the thought of her.

How could he possibly understand what it was like to be an orphan?

I knew it was irrational of me to want his mother’s love, but I did. And I just couldn’t explain it to him right now.

“Baby, what’s wrong? Please don’t cry. We’ll give her some time if that’s what you want. Whatever you need, Red. I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”

He opened his arms to me, waiting. I blew out a breath and stepped into them. He embraced me readily, kissing the top of my head.

“I just…miss you,” he said quietly. “So much. I can’t sleep when you’re not here…beside me. I think of the time when I almost lost you, and I know that pushes me to be unreasonable.”

I knew his techniques now—the way he charmed and cajoled—but what always got me was his sincerity. I sighed deeply, wrapping my arms around him.

“And demanding,” I said to his neck, trying not to be obvious that I was inhaling his scent.

He chuckled. “And demanding. I’m sorry, Red. Forgive me?”

I nodded, pressing a soft kiss to the base of his throat. “I really need you to drop me off at Kar’s after class.”

I knew he was frowning but felt him nod his assent.

“Caleb. I know you want me to stay the night, but you’re distracting me. I can’t concentrate on anything but you when you’re around me.” I pulled back and glared at him. “Happy now?”

His smile was wide. “Yes. You make me very happy, Red.”

It was half past two by the time we were ready to leave for class. Caleb grabbed my hand before I stepped out the door.

“Hold on.” The look he was giving me made it clear what he wanted. “You look really sexy in that top.”

“Caleb—”

“But I think you might want to put a sweater on. Or a jacket.”

I raised an eyebrow. “And why is that?”

He was not telling me what I should and should not wear. He hadn’t before, and it wasn’t starting now. Just because we slept together didn’t give him the right to.

I frowned when he pointed at his neck, then his shoulder.

“What are you doing?” I asked.

“Last night was the best night of my life.” And then his mouth twitched. Right before he bit his lip.

I narrowed my eyes at him. Humor danced in those green eyes of his. “Uh-huh.”

“I think I sort of…lost control and…”

My eyes widened in horror as I realized what he was trying to tell me. I ran to the powder room off the kitchen and stared at myself in the mirror.

Hickey.

No. Hickeys.

There was one on the side of my neck and one near my ear. One—correction, two—on my shoulders. And those were only the ones I could see.

What the hell.

“CALEB!”

* * *

“I’m surprised Lockhart didn’t bind and gag you when you told him you weren’t going back to his place,” Kara mumbled after taking a big bite of her mushroom burger. We were camped in her kitchen with textbooks, pens, highlighters, papers, and food competing for space on the small dining table. “He looked like he was going to set up a tent outside my apartment when he dropped you off.”

I watched in fascination as Kara took another big bite of her four-patty bean burger, chased it down with Diet Coke, then wolfed down a bucket of fries.

Where does she put all of it?

“Well, if you ask me,” she continued, pointing at me with a fry, “I wish it would go to my tits and/or ass, but no, I think I expel all of it.”

I didn’t realize I’d asked out loud.

“I never seem to gain a pound. Anyway, spill it. The dean interrogated you?”

I nodded, still watching her. She started another burger.

“Tell me, does he still have that stupid mustache? The one that makes his face look like a vagina?”

I choked on my drink. “Kar. Geez.” I laughed. She was right about the mustache, though.

She raised an eyebrow. “Well? I haven’t got all day. Start talking.”

“I went to the dean’s office after my last class. It wasn’t an interrogation. He was really nice about it. He just wanted to know if Justin had harassed me and if I’ve seen the poster—”

“Which you didn’t, since Caleb has forbidden you to.”

“Not really. I know he would show it to me if I really wanted him to. I don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Why would I? It would just stress me out. I don’t need that kind of trouble in my head, Kar. If I saw it, it would just make me angrier. I don’t want to give that creep any more attention than I already have.”

She nodded. “I feel ya.” Leaning against the chair, she rubbed her stomach and covered her mouth before letting out a quiet, dainty burp.

“It’s being addressed. Believe me when I say Justin is in trouble. This wasn’t the first time he’s done something like this. He’s suspended from college, and there was talk of expulsion.”

“Good.” Kara snorted. “Anyone with half a brain would know he and that bitch Beatrice-Rose planted those drugs in Caleb’s car.”

“Yeah. Caleb said the detective assigned to the case is a family friend so he gets inside information about the investigation. I think he mentioned he also hired a private investigator.”

“It helps to be filthy rich and able to do all that. Are you going to eat your fries?”

It didn’t surprise me that Kara wanted them. “No, you can have them.”

“Thanks! Sssssssooooo…” she said.

I looked up from my textbook to see her wiggling her eyebrows up and down.

“Why the hell are you wearing Lockhart’s jacket?” she asked.

I could feel myself blushing. “H-how’d you know it’s his jacket?”

She rolled her eyes. “You think I’m stupid? His name is written on the back.”

Oh. “It was cold this morning.”

“It was sweltering this morning. If I had balls, they’d be scrambled and fried from the heat by now.” She narrowed her eyes. “You’re sweating.”

“It’s just…water…from earlier when I washed the dishes. I washed them earlier. The dishes.”

Kara leaned back, crossing her arms over her chest and grinning like the cat that ate the canary. “You did a good job. Feel free to scrub the tub later too. So.” She knew something was up and that she was going to find out what it was very, very soon. “What did you guys do last night?”

I knew from how hot I felt that I was red as a ripe tomato.

She suddenly stood up from her seat and leaned across the table, her hand reaching for the jacket. She grabbed the zipper at my neck and pulled it down.

And just stared in silence.

I didn’t dare look to see her reaction.

“Wow. Lockhart sure sucks like a vacuum.”

I couldn’t help the laughter that bubbled out of my throat. “Kar!”

“Why are you still blushing? Holy motherfucking shit. You had hot jungle sex with Lockhart, didn’t you? Didn’t you?” She slumped back into her seat.

And then in a reverent tone, she asked, “Was it rough, I’m-going-to-swing-from-the-chandelier sex, or was it gentle, even-my-soul-orgasmed sex? You’re not leaving until you tell me everything!”

I worried my lip—and then thought, What the heck?

“He asked me to marry him.”

She blinked once. Twice. Opened her mouth, but nothing came out.

Grinning, I pulled out my necklace from beneath my shirt. The ruby glittered in the light.

“I said yes, Kar.” My breath hitched. “I said yes to Caleb.”