Chapter 1: Always Red: Chapter 1

This was it. This was my chance to make things right. I just didn’t know if I could take it.

Dread and anxiety chilled my spine as I stepped off the bus. I stood in front of Caleb’s apartment building with my head bowed low, arguing with myself over whether or not I should go in. It had been a few hours since the fight in school, since I saw him drive away from the parking lot. It had been less than twenty-four hours since I packed my bags and left him.

This had been my home with him…before.

It wasn’t anymore.

I knew good things didn’t last. Every time something good happened, something bad followed. Maybe, just maybe, this time it would be good again.

Last time I entered this building, I had gotten a new phone for myself and a present for Caleb. Had he seen it yet? Did he keep it or throw it away?

Heart racing, I clasped my hands together and tried not to wring them. Was he home? Would he let me in? What if he refused?

If Caleb rejected me, I didn’t know if I could handle it…

You rejected him first. What gives you the right to ask him not to reject you?

Nothing.

Caleb’s words burned in my mind. I want you to fight for me just as I fought for you. But you wouldn’t.

I closed my eyes tightly. It hurt every time I heard his voice in my head. I hadn’t been ready to hear everything he had to say before, but I was ready now. Beatrice-Rose said they had kissed and claimed they did more.

Caleb said they didn’t sleep together. Now that anger wasn’t clouding my thoughts, I realized that he had never lied to me before. If anything, he was too honest. Would he lie about something as serious as this? No, I realized, he wouldn’t. And he…he was the only person who never gave up on me.

Don’t ask me to let go of you. I can’t, he had said.

But did he still want me? Had he let go of me after what I’d done?

My fears were nipping at my heels, waiting to pounce at my slightest weakness. I took a deep breath, pushing away my anxiety.

Gathering my courage, I stepped forward and entered the lobby. And froze. Beatrice-Rose was walking out of the elevator, her steps fast and determined. What was she doing here?

No one was allowed to go up unless the receptionist called the tenant, and the tenant gave the go-ahead. So Caleb must have given her permission to go up. The thought made me take a step back to hide out of Beatrice-Rose’s line of sight.

What if something was going on between them? What if Caleb had given up on me and realized I wasn’t worth it?

No, no. Didn’t you just say you believed him? You would fight for him?

Damn right I would fight for him.

Maybe Beatrice-Rose was trying to manipulate him again, pretending to be hurt and helpless to get what she wanted. If she tried anything with Caleb, she’d get more than a slap from me this time.

The kiss last night wasn’t his fault. It was mine, she had said.

Did he really kiss her? I had to know, and the only person who could tell me was Caleb. I needed to talk to him.

I narrowed my eyes as I watched Beatrice-Rose get into a taxi. She had changed her clothes since I saw her a few hours ago. She wore a white baby-doll dress that ended above her knees. Her blond hair—now lengthened with expensive-looking extensions that bounced against her lower back—was swept off her beautiful face with a red headband. She had exchanged her heels in favor of white flats.

She looked as innocent as a dove. You’d never know that she was a snake behind that beautiful face.

Praying to God that Caleb hadn’t removed me from the list of approved visitors who could go straight up, I casually strolled to the elevators, trying to avoid the concierge’s hawk eyes. I froze when he spotted me, expecting him to call security to escort me out of the building, but he just smiled. I let out a relieved breath when the elevator doors closed.

As the elevator climbed up, my heart started to race. I felt nervous, my hands clammy and cold as I twisted them together. When the elevator stopped at Caleb’s floor, I took a deep calming breath and walked out.

My steps were muffled by the carpet as I neared his door. It was so quiet in the hallway that I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

Please don’t hate me.

I stopped in front of his door, biting my lip. I had gotten used to going in without knocking, but I knew I had lost that privilege now.

Oh God. What if I lose him too?

Slowly, I raised my hand, forming a fist.

Just do it!

I closed my eyes tightly and knocked.

Nothing.

What if the concierge had called him and told him I was on my way, and Caleb didn’t want to let me in? He had to let me in. He had to listen to me. He had to…

I knocked again. When there was no answer, I ignored the guilt I felt by invading his privacy and entered the code to unlock the door.

Oh God. What if he changed the code?

But the door opened easily.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I stepped in. It was dark and quiet. I walked to the living room first, passing the couch where Caleb loved to sit and prop his feet on the coffee table. In my mind, I saw him turn his head to look at me.

“What’s for dinner, Red?”

I blinked, and he was gone. The blanket he had covered me with the night I left him—which felt like years ago but was unbelievably just last night—was still on the floor where I had dropped it.

Had he not come home yet? Where was he?

I passed the kitchen, smiling sadly when I remembered how he had cooked dinner a long time ago. I had made him wear an apron, and he had pouted while frying potatoes.

“Fries are ready!” he’d declared. “I will call them the Amazing Chef Caleb’s fries!”

I’d laughed. He had looked so proud. He’d burned the fries, and they were really salty, but I ate them all.

I miss him. God, I miss him.

Later that day, we’d gone out on the balcony and studied for exams, but Caleb had gotten bored quickly. He’d started playing with my hair, twirling it around his finger and tickling my cheek with it. When I ignored him, he pulled.

“Ouch. What the hell, Caleb!” It hadn’t really hurt, but I’d glared at him.

He’d smiled at me cheekily, a naughty gleam in his eyes. Cupping my face, he’d turned me to face him and said, “If you blink, you want me.”

“Wait, wait!”

I had laughed and tried to pull away, but he held on to my face. I couldn’t help but blink.

“I knew it,” he’d teased, grabbing my waist and pulling me onto his lap. “I always knew you had the hots for me, Red.”

He’d held on to me so I wouldn’t fall off his lap as he leaned forward to reach for my book. “Here, pretend I’m your favorite chair while you read your book.”

I’d protested, but inside, I felt giddy. It was hard to concentrate on anything but Caleb when his strong arms were around me, his warmth and his scent filling my senses. He’d held me against him possessively, resting his chin on my shoulder and smelling my hair.

“I met an old friend the other day,” he’d said, breaking the silence. “I mentioned that you’re my girlfriend, and she said she wants to meet you.”

All I could think about was she. He’d noticed that I had gotten quiet and changed the subject.

I blinked and pulled myself out of the memory. I realized now that the friend who wanted to meet me was Beatrice-Rose. That was weeks before I met her. So she had probably been scheming even then.

Even before I knocked on his bedroom door and there was no answer, I knew Caleb wasn’t home. There was a charge in the air when he was in a room, and I always felt it. But this time, I didn’t feel his presence. I felt nothing, just emptiness.

I left the apartment and entered the elevator, wishing for it to descend fast. A quick check on my phone told me the bus was due in ten minutes, the next one in two hours. It took at least twenty minutes to walk to the closest bus stop, and there was no way I could make it. Maybe if I ran really fast…

I stepped out of the elevator and was reminded of Beatrice-Rose doing the same thing a few minutes ago. Had Caleb gone out with her? I didn’t see him with her in the lobby, but his car was in the garage basement and he would have taken the back exit. I saw her take the taxi, though, and if they were going out, Caleb would have given her a ride. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.

I need to find him.

I ran outside, almost tripping in my rush. I had to catch that bus.

I startled as a car behind me tooted its horn. I turned around and found Kara inside her car grinning at me. When she’d texted earlier, I’d told her I’d be at Caleb’s. Grateful and surprised that she’d come to pick me up, I felt tears prick my eyes as I walked toward her.

“He’s not home,” I told her, feeling dejected as I climbed into the passenger seat.

Kara let out a loud sigh. “Well, hop in, girlfriend. Detective Kar has all the skills you need.”

I grinned. I loved my best friend.