Chapter 23

"Have you read the newspaper today?"

"Not yet. Why?"

"I was reading the Aurora this morning, and I read something extremely interesting, yet not really unexpected, about Hamilton."

"Oh my, what does the newspaper say?"

"It seems he's accused of fraud against the State," the first voice explained. "Papers had been found demonstrating his direct connection with a man called Reynold, to whom he'd been giving huge sums of money while he was Treasury Secretary."

"I'll buy the Aurora right away, I can't wait to read it!" The second man laughed. "I hope he'll be imprisoned, the whole lot should be sent away from the government."

Alexander choked on his morning coffee and coughed for several minutes. He was used to bad press, especially on the Aurora, which was a Democratic-Republican newspaper, but when they mentioned the name 'Reynold' he felt fainting.

He rushed out and bought a copy of the Aurora, reading the accusations against him with a shocked face – Burr wasn't fooling around then, he'd been true to his word and had made his move against him.

"You don't know who you are fighting against, Burr," he muttered threateningly to his paper, heading right back home.

He sat at his desk with his coat still on and drew out his quill, the one Thomas had given him for Christmas, and that's when the truth hit him: Burr thought him guilty, but Thomas and James knew he was not, and yet they hadn't stopped him from publishing those false accusations. The final decision on the matter had not been Burr's to make. It'd been Jefferson's.

Despite feeling betrayed as he'd never felt before, he didn't shed a single tear and dipped the quill into the ink, determined to fight back. He knew how to respond to their accusations – he'd write his way out, as he'd always done.

***

"Thomas!" James opened the door without knocking – something very unusual for him.

"Jeez James wait a minute, I'm still not dressed!" Thomas threw him a shoe and James closed the door, blushing violently.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," he said quickly, with a mortified voice. "Hurry up, you need to read the paper!"

"What is it this time?" Thomas opened the door in a minute, perfectly dressed in his magenta suit. "If it's another article about the benefit of a national army, I swear I'll –

Thomas didn't even finish the sentence because the title on the newspaper left him speechless. He couldn't believe Alexander had really done something so stupid.

"The Reynold Pamphlet," he murmured, and snatched the paper out of James's hands. "Why would he do something like this?"

"I think the deal was to sacrifice his private life to save his public one," James shrugged.

Thomas read it aloud and they stopped several times to comment the boldest lines and to pity Mrs Hamilton for the humiliation she would soon face. Thomas had just put the kettle on when an angry voice came from outside, along with a violent bang on the door.

"Jefferson, open the door, you asshole!"

Thomas and James exchanged a knowing look and stayed silent for a moment, both hoping that Hamilton would just go away.

"I know you and Madison are in there, I talked to the guy from the front desk." Another bang at the door – was he kicking it?

"Stupid hotels," Thomas muttered before getting to the door and opening it with an ice-cold face. "Mr Hamilton, to what do I owe this unexpected visit?"

Alexander closed the door with an expression that was beyond his usual anger, and followed Thomas in the kitchen, ignoring Madison, who was sitting at the table with a cup of tea.

"Thomas." Alexander called him by his first name, and Jefferson simply froze on the spot. "Now stop."

"What do you mean?" He hissed back.

"I know it was you who told Burr to public the accusations against me, and I can see you were reading the newspaper, so you already know what my answer is:" Alexander took a deep breath. "So now you've successfully ruined my life. Congratulations – we are even."

Thomas looked at him with unemotional eyes, but suddenly crossed his arms on his chest; meanwhile, Madison didn't know whether to stay and enjoy the show or run away.

"I can only imagine Eliza's reaction to my pamphlet, but I can take a guess," Alexander's eyes filled with angry tears, and he stopped for a minute before going on – he didn't want to cry in front of Jefferson and Madison, for god's sake. "So I'm here to tell you that you can stop torturing me. I know I've ruined your life, but after that I stayed away from you as you asked me to. When you came back I tried to act as we'd always done before being together; I'm only trying to do my job, and I've never imagined you would be able to play so dirty.

"But here we are," he continued, looking at the floor and clenching his fists. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that I understand why you did it; I know that you hate me and that you can't even stand the sight of me after what I did to you and Lafayette, but now please stop – you've already taken everything you could from me."

Another minute passed and no one talked. Alexander fixed his gaze on the floor of the kitchen and focused on the tiles' pattern in order to stay calm; Thomas stood there without moving a single cell, and Madison started to wish he'd gone away earlier.

"Well, I think I'll go." He got up awkwardly and headed to the door. "Good day Thomas, Mr Hamilton."

He closed the door quietly and went away, finally catching his breath and coughing a bit.

Alexander was completely worn out by the last weeks' Cabinet meetings. Washington had asked him to draft a statement of neutrality and he'd already had to modify it four times to change some line or add more details in order not to insult their former allies, and at the same time not to appear too friendly towards Britain. Moreover, he and Thomas had been fighting over anything lately; he'd spent the last week avoiding him out of exasperation. But that night they had a date – Thomas had asked him to stop by for dinner and Alexander had all the intentions to spend a lovely and perfectly happy night with him.

"Honey, I'm home!" He announced humorously while stepping into Thomas's house.

"In here!" Thomas called him from the dining room, "It's almost ready, pour yourself some wine while you wait – oh my, love, you're beautiful tonight."

"You're not half bad yourself." Alexander smiled. "Nice apron by the way."

He stepped closer to claim a kiss, but Thomas clumsily stuffed a bottle of red wine and two glasses in Alex's hands and went back to the kitchen. He returned after a while with rice soup, cold beef and cheese, and they spent a pleasant and, for once, uneventful evening. It seemed as if they were both tired of quarreling and were carefully avoiding all the dangerous topics. After dinner they moved to the library as usual, bringing the bottle of wine with them.

"Alexander, there's something I want to tell you." Thomas had been fidgeting the whole evening, and his voice suddenly grew very tense. "I've resigned from my office, I'm out at the end of the year."

"You're kidding." Alexander looked at him with a confused face. "Why would you do that? Why haven't you talked with me before resigning?"

"Because," Thomas looked at him straight in the eyes, "you're the reason why I'm going away."

"I- I don't understand –

"Alexander, I can't take it anymore," Thomas burst out. "I don't really have a voice in the Cabinet because Washington does whatever you tell him to; I've spent the last year trying to fight for a right cause and I lost; I tried with all my strength to save a friend and I failed."

"But we saved Lafayette's wife and kids, it's a huge victory!"

"That's because you fought along with me on that single matter!" Thomas's eyes filled with tears. "We could have achieved anything if only you'd supported me... and the worst part is knowing that all my failures have been your victories, and that the only thing that has stopped me to help a friend and to fight for my ideals was the man I loved."

"Loved?" Alexander stood up and moved closer to Thomas, grasping his hands and looking up at him with wide and scared eyes."Don't you love me?"

"I don't know," Thomas answered slowly, his voice quivering."From the moment I read Adrienne's letter, I've never stopped suffering. You have never been there for me – in fact, you've been working against me the whole time."

"But we agreed that we wouldn't confuse work and private life, I've only –

"Can't you see? There's no distinction anymore!" Thomas's voice broke for a moment. "You know how much Lafayette is important to me, we've been more than simple friends, and for once in my life I could've actually had the power to help him... but in the end I was completely helpless. It's not about work, Alexander – you broke my heart by acting like that."

"I didn't meant to, Thomas, please forgive me!" Alexander was sobbing by now, and Thomas took him into his arms, knowing that it was for the last time.

"I've made up my mind, Alexander. I'm off to Monticello within a week."

"A week?" Alexander almost yelled. "If you wait a couple of weeks more I can organize my work and come with you; and then perhaps I can come visit in December and –

"Alexander –" Thomas hesitantly moved away from him – "I don't want you to come with me."

Alexander looked at him as if he'd just talked in another, alien language. Then the situation hit him at last: Thomas wasn't simply resigning from work, he was breaking up with him. He suddenly felt extremely weak and collapsed on his knees, covering his face with his hands and sobbing desperately. Thomas sat next to him and gently patted his back until Alex was able to speak again.

"But you promised – you told me that our love would've been stronger," he wept. "You promised, I believed you!"

Thomas was feeling terribly miserable. The previous year had stripped him of all his strength, had wounded his pride and crushed his heart in many different ways. The love he felt for Alexander was still there, but it'd been hurting him so much lately that he'd finally decided to do something. And he'd decided to go away from everything and everyone, including Hamilton.

However, seeing Alexander in that state was making him feel even worse – in the last months they'd grown so apart than Jefferson had started thinking that maybe Alexander didn't love him anymore, but now he knew he'd been obviously wrong.

And then, Alexander suddenly said something that made his blood freeze.

"I'll talk to Washington, I'll make him change his mind about France."

"What?"

"Please Thomas, I'll do anything! Don't leave me – I love you!"

For a second, just a tiny short moment, Thomas had been tempted to say yes, to force Alexander to go against his own ideals and suggest Washington to enter the war. But Thomas didn't want Alex to trade his ideals for love and so he did something unforgivable – he lied in the worst way possible. The only way to make Alexander accept their breakup and go on with his life was to crush his feelings completely.

"Do you think I could ever forgive you? Even if you convinced Washington, it'd be too late now!" Thomas stood up and distanced himself from Alexander. "And if there's something I really despise, that's the people who can't stand for their beliefs. You've ruined my life and now you're showing yourself for what you really are: a liar. You're poisoned by ambition, you don't give a shit about love."

Thomas stopped, breathing laboriously . Among all the lies, he really believed the last thing he'd said and it hurt to say it out loud.

"Thomas, what –

"I don't want to see you anymore, Alexander. I'm going away because I can't stand the sight of you and I want you out of my life."

He stood there, trying not to cry and not to panic, while Alexander wailed all his tears, begging him not to leave him. In the end, after what seemed to be hours, Alexander stood up, his eyes emptied of tears and light, and walked away without another word.

After hearing the door slamming closed, Thomas fell into pieces at last – and he hadn't felt complete ever since.

"Are you going to say something?" Alexander finally looked up from the floor and met Thomas's gaze.

"I'm sorry." Jefferson's face was unreadable. "I didn't think you would do something like this, I didn't want to ruin your life."

"You knew the accusations were false."

"Yes, but I only wanted to spread some rumours. Your wife has never really believed any of them, so I didn't think she would really consider this one."

"You should have known that I wouldn't stand aside. You told me once that I would sacrifice love out of ambition, so I guess you were right after all."

Thomas sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, trying to find the best way to say what he wanted to; he couldn't tell Hamilton that he'd felt betrayed by the fact that Alexander had gone on with his life as if nothing had happened, while he'd needed three years by himself only to recover – well, sort of.

"Would you like a cup of tea?"

"What about wine?"

"It's 10 am."

"Ok, let's go for tea then." Alexander flopped on a chair and crossed his arms on the kitchen table, burying his face in there while waiting for Thomas to make tea.

"Here." Thomas came back and sat before him. "We need to talk."

"I've already told you everything."

"I know, but I haven't." Thomas cleared his throat and sipped his tea nervously. "I've just realized that I'm still angry at you for things that happened years ago... and I may have ruined your marriage because I haven't been honest with you when I should."

Alexander was taken aback by Thomas's confession and looked at him with such a confused face that Thomas felt his heart heating for the first time after years.

"You were right. I was pointing my finger at you for everything, even the things that were out of your grasp. I was so hurt by the situation that I desperately needed someone to blame, and even though you had your fair share of guilt, it wasn't nice of me to blame you for every single thing. I guess that our last year together wasn't easy for you either, I was always yelling at you, Washington was demanding the impossible from you and... Lafayette was your friend too.

"I wrongly thought that all those horrible things were happening because you were stopping me from doing my job, and so I decided to quit and go away," he continued, trying not to stop now that his train of thoughts was finally getting out of his mouth. "But it was a huge mistake and if I'd only talked with you about my feelings, we would probably still be together now. You see, I still loved you when I left you, but I was so confused that I mistook the hate I was feeling for the whole situation with what I felt for you. And also, I lied. I don't despise you, and I didn't want to be so hurtful, but I knew you would have never let me go... and so I did what I had to and I broke my promise.

"I actually believed that you cared more for your career than for me. That's because in that situation you worked better than I did, and I felt as if your victories were taking something away from our relationship; and that was wrong too. When you told me you'd have made Washington change his mind about the war, I got the proof you would've put me even before our fucking nation, but I was blind with anger and sorrow and I lied to myself. You've never ruined my life, Alexander, and it was really upsetting to know how quickly you were ready to believe that it was true, even after I'd told you millions of times that you've, in fact, saved my life."

With every single sentence a piece of the wall Thomas had built around himself fell down into pieces, and he found himself breathing more freely.

"After going away, I've spent three years trying to get over you, but I'm not there yet." Thomas smiled bitterly to himself. "And when we finally met again, you were your old self, happy and carefree as usual, while I was still falling apart without you."

Alexander was holding his breath, without daring to speak – was Thomas really saying that he'd missed him?

"And that's when Burr asked me again about the check stubs. I could have ordered him to back off, but instead I told him to publish them because I wanted to eradicate those feelings that I still had for you... the ones that still hurt every single time I saw you." Thomas paused for a second, looked at Alexander and then covered his face with his hands to hide his shame. "And now I am the one who's ruined your life, and I could've prevent it if only I'd talked to you from the beginning."

"Are you telling me," Alexander's voice was barely audible, he was still too shocked, "that during these last three years you missed me, even though you've never wrote to me once –

"I tried, but –

"And even though when I showed up in front of your house you almost kicked me out –" his tone grew louder and louder until he was shouting – "and the following morning you disappeared, leaving me a fucking note as if I was a fucking hooker?"

"I behaved poorly, I know. I- I was scared."

"And wasn't I? Wasn't I scared to death when I travelled all the road down to Virginia just to hear you say that you didn't want me?"

"I'm sorry, love, I –

"Don't you dare call me like that!" Alexander got up so violently that his chair fell down on the floor. "Don't you fucking dare! I thought you published the documents because you hated me and you didn't give a crap about me, but this is even worse! How can you even look at me right now, knowing that not only you've been lying to me for years, letting me believe that I'd ruined your life, but you've also destroyed my marriage?"

Thomas froze on the spot, cursing himself for his last slip, and finally dropped his gaze. Alexander was right, he didn't have the right to look him in the eyes after what he'd done.

"I'm sorry, Alexander," he whispered, and listened to his steps as he headed outside the apartment, slamming the door behind him. "I still love you," he confessed to an empty room.

***

A/N:

I know we should all hate Thomas for what he did but he's so adorable I just can't-