Chapter Thirty Nine: The End

"You don't have anywhere you have to be, do you?" Louis asked, his eyes glimmering a little bit.

"At what- like three in the morning?" Harry asked with a smile, sniffling a little and trying to stop the little tears that had prickled up when Louis was telling Harry about his past. "I mean, my schedule's pretty tight, but I think it should be fine," he said with a small laugh.

"Well, come on, Styles," Louis said, getting up off the blanket. "I want to take you somewhere special."

"You're not going to murder me are you?" Harry asked, his eyes narrowing as he tried not to laugh.

"I'm too tired to murder you," Louis said, rolling his eyes with a small smile.

He offered his hand to help Harry up, and Harry looked at it for a moment before he stretched out his now trembling hand to grab it.

The first time he'd touched Louis in five weeks.

Louis' hand was warm as he pulled Harry up off the blanket, and Harry tried to memorize the feel of Louis' skin against his- it was a little rougher than Harry's (Louis didn't have a medicine cabinet stuffed full of different moisturizers the way Harry did, and hadn't even heard of exfoliating until he'd met Harry, who had four different kinds of sugar scrubs on hand at all times), but it was always warmer. Louis always let Harry squeeze on as tight as he needed to, and when he was anxious, sometimes that meant squeezing so tight Harry worried he might break something- but Louis was always comforting, whispering, warm and pressed against Harry 'Come on, kitten, need you to squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts. Can you do that for me love?'.

After Harry stood up, he held onto Louis' hand a little longer than he needed to, before stooping down to pick up his blanket.

"Where are you taking me?" Harry asked, trying to process the loss of Louis' hand holding his. He felt colder, even with the blanket now wrapped around his shoulders.

"It's like this place in the middle of the woods," Louis said. "I know, I know, sounds boring, but I promise it's nice."

Harry wriggled his eyebrows. "Middle of the woods, you say? No witnesses in the forest."

Louis laughed as he lead Harry down a small trail. "Has anyone ever told you you watch too many crime shows?"

"Niall got me hooked," Harry admitted. "Literally all we've been doing for the past month besides studying and the complete therapy overload. Don't know why he thought watching people get brutally murdered was the way to cope with grief, but weirdly it helped. A little scarring at times though," he mused. "You ever see the CSI one where they squeeze the toothpaste right out of her-"

"Nope nope nope," Louis said, pushing a tree branch out of their path. "CSI can be you and Niall's thing."

Harry giggled, wrapping the blanket tighter around him as the started in on the trail, dark except for the pale moonlight that lit their way through the trees.

"Also, if you could stop killing the mood with your gory CSI, Law and Order, crime bullshit-"

"Didn't know you were trying to set a mood for something," Harry murmured coyly, biting his lip, sucking on his lip piercing a little.

"I- I just, I meant-" Louis stammered.

Harry's heart fluttered, and he could feel his stomach swooping. Mostly because of being next to Louis, but also partly because he lost his footing on the uneven path.

"Sorry, this part's kind of rocky, do you want to...?" Louis asked, holding out his hand as an offering.

Harry nodded, and laced his fingers with Louis, letting the older boy lead him along.

"Almost there, don't worry," Louis promised a moment later, and Harry felt a little disappointed that he might have to let go of Louis' hand soon.

"Oh my God," Harry exhaled.

"Careful ba-" Louis cleared his throat. "Careful, Harry," he corrected. "Pretty isn't it?" Louis asked softly.

Harry nodded, bringing his thumb up to his mouth, like he sometimes did out of habit when he got overwhelmed. His other hand was still holding on tight to Louis'.

They were standing maybe fifteen feet away from the edge of a small precipice, and Harry could see the water rushing by, dipping over a sharp rock to form a break in the stream that seemed almost like a waterfall.

"Do you wanna get any closer or is this good?" Louis asked, and Harry's curls bounced as he nodded, holding Louis' hand a little tighter when they got closer to the edge.

Louis sat down a few feet from the edge, and Harry sat down next to him.

"Are you going to say anything, or are you too speechless?" Louis teased gently, as Harry curved up against his side.

"I think my dad... I think he took me somewhere like this when I was little," Harry said softly.

"Did he?" Louis asked gently, rubbing soothing patterns onto Harry's hand with his thumb.

"Yeah," Harry whispered, squeezing onto Louis' hand.

Come on, kitten, need you to squeeze my hand as hard as it hurts... Can you do that for me love...?

"Are you okay?" Louis asked. "Everything with your dad? I know it's hard, I know it's a lot to take in."

Harry sniffled a little and nodded. "I'm fine, it's fine, I shouldn't be upset about it anyway."

"Of course you can be upset," Louis said. "It's normal, Haz."

"But my sister hated him and she's older than me, she knew him longer. And my mom, she didn't want him around us anymore, and he was scary at the end, but I still had good memories and I feel like I'm not supposed to," he admitted, the words coming out in a jumble.

"Did he hurt you?" Louis asked, blue eyes searching Harry's carefully.

"No," Harry said, sniffling, rubbing his nose on his sleeve. "It was a drug thing, I think. My mom doesn't talk about him much, I don't know much more than that. But I don't really remember him as being that bad but I've heard things."

"He might have been a good person in a bad place," Louis said. "You haven't seen him since you were little right? Maybe he turned out alright in the end."

"I don't know," Harry mumbled. "Probably best that he didn't know me once I got older. I feel like he would have been disappointed in me for being bi, for having this stupid anxiety, for wearing makeup sometimes, for-"

"Hey," Louis said, gently cupping Harry's chin with his hand. "Don't do that, okay? Don't put down those parts of you, I love all those things, alright?"

Harry shivered a little bit and Louis kissed him on the forehead, lips warm against Harry's cool skin.

"No one is ever all good or all bad," Louis said softly. "You're allowed to miss him, even if you barely knew him. He was your dad, even if he wasn't a very good one."

"It helped to see the grave," Harry murmured, tucking himself against Louis' chest. "I brought him roses, he tried to help me plant a rose garden in the backyard when I was a kid because they were my favourite... ever since I watched Beauty and the Beast," Harry smiled faintly.

"Is that what that means?" Louis asked, gesturing to Harry's arm. "The tattoo?"

Harry nodded, his fingers brushing over where the design was.

The two sat in silence, listening to the gentle rush of water beneath them, Harry's eyes fluttering closed as he curved closer into Louis' chest, lulled by his steady heartbeat, taking in his familiar smell, memorizing the comforting warmth of his skin.

"Do you think..." Harry started, but cut himself off.

"What is it?" Louis asked. "You can tell me anything."

"Do you think we would be different if we tried this again?" Harry asked.

He felt Louis tense up a little as the words came out.

"What?" Louis asked, his voice rising about an octave.

"I miss us," Harry said, nuzzling his cheek against Louis' collarbone. "I miss laughing about things with you, I miss holding each other, I miss hearing your stories... it's not just me is it?" Harry asked, pulling away from Louis , his eyebrows pulling together in concern. "Please say something, I don't want to be making a total arse of myself if you don't feel it too- I'm sorry if it's just me, it's probably just me, I mean you probably don't-"

Louis cut off Harry's rambling lips with his own, steady and warm, and more than a little frantic. Harry couldn't tell who was crying, but he felt warm tears brush against his cheek, and Louis tasted so familiar, and his mouth was so fucking good, and Louis' hand was in his hair, and oh God Harry was scared to breathe in case this was their last kiss.

Harry whimpered when Louis pulled away, his chest still rising and falling sharply as he tried to recover from the feverish kiss.

"I did miss you," Louis said quietly, looking out over the water. "A lot."

Harry was aching to say something, but he didn't know if Louis was done yet or not.

"And I love you so much," he added. "So fucking much, H."

"But...?" Harry prompted, feeling his heart sinking, tossing around in the waves beneath them.

"You left me," Louis said. "I just-" he took a slow breath and wrapped his arms around his stomach. "What if you leave me again?"

"I love you," Harry insisted, green eyes pleading. "I'm not going to leave you."

"You loved me the first time around too," Louis pointed out, his eyes welling up. "Didn't stop you then."

"I'm sorry," Harry whined, his voice rising in pitch as he started to cry. "I don't want this to end, please."

"It already ended," Louis said, sniffling as he rubbed his nose on his sweater sleeve, his hands shaking as he tried to stop the tears from pooling in his eyes. "We'd just have the same fucking problems anyway."

"No," Harry said, running his hands through his hair a little too roughly, needing to feel something. He was floating away, everything felt hazy except Louis Louis Louis, he needed him like he needed oxygen and his lungs were aching. "I've done everything I can to get my anxiety under control, I'm ready to listen to every single thing you have to say even if it's overwhelming, I never want you to feel like you can't tell me things again. And I'm not gonna rely on you to take care of me anymore, we won't be so dependent, Lou! I've done a month on my own and I did really well, I can take care of myself now, I know how to be alone and I can be independent, but I still want to be with you. You just need to be open with me and I'll be open with you and it'll be-"

"It'll be what?" Louis snapped, his voice raspy as he tried to stop himself from crying. "Perfect? I can't be your perfect boyfriend, Haz, it drove me crazy. I have problems, you have problems. We're never gonna be a perfect couple."

"I don't need us to be perfect," Harry said softly. "I just need us to be... us. You and me, Louis, we're a team, okay?"

Louis sniffled and whimpered a little as his tears turned into heavy sobs, his shoulders shaking as he gasped a little for air.

"I love you," Harry said, his green eyes searching Louis'. "We're not going to be perfect, but I want to be with you anyway. I know we had a bad start, everything was too fast and everything was just, just bad timing but I love you I fucking love you so much it hurts. Let's please start over, Louis." Harry begged. "Please just tell me you want that. We both fucked it up the first time. Please, Louis. Let's just start from the beginning."

"You broke my fucking heart," Louis choked out.

"Squeeze," Harry whispered, offering out his hand. "As hard as it hurts."

* * * * * * *

Harry's hands trembled as he tried to unlock his dorm room.

"Well, goodnight," Harry had said gently as they stood in front of Louis' door, tipping his head down slightly- instinctively- like he used to when Louis was going to kiss him.

"Take care of yourself, yeah?" Louis said, his hands the pockets of his sweatpants, lips pursed tightly together, the way he always did when he wasn't saying something he wanted to say.

He wasn't unlocking the door, he wasn't asking Harry if he wanted to stay the night.

Harry's eyes searched Louis' for a few aching moments before he nodded and headed back outside, toward his residence building, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and try and muffle out his thoughts in a mountain of pillows.

Not that he even could open the fucking door.

Harry's keys dropped out of his hands and he took a shaky breath, pressing his palms flat against the door as he took a moment. He didn't want to be in his dorm room, it didn't feel like home to him. No matter how many posters he tacked up on the walls, it just never felt like he belonged there.

He pulled his phone out of his pocket, thinking about texting Niall, but he couldn't find a reason to wake Niall up at this hour in the morning. He wasn't panicking, he wasn't anxious... he was just... sad.

And he knew then that he wanted Louis. Not because he was anxious, not to solve some sort of panic attack, not to comfort him, and not because he needed him, but because he wanted to be with him. He would be okay without him, but okay was nothing compared to the light Louis brought to his life.

Louis was homemade chocolate chips cookies when they were snowed in, Louis was the thrilling feeling of kissing in the pouring rain, Louis was little fireflies flickering to life in the heat of the summer, Louis was that one song on a road trip that slowed time and made you feel infinite.

Louis was home.

Louis was also probably sleeping by now, and wouldn't appreciate Harry knocking on his door for the second time that night.

Harry picked up his keys and slipped into his room quietly, shamelessly scrolling through pictures of Louis on his Facebook page until his eyes squinted shut against the brightness of the screen and he fell asleep, his phone dropping onto the pillow next to him.

* * * * * * * * * *

Harry stepped out of the stuffy lecture hall and into the gentle springtime air.

Someone bumped into him and Harry turned around, expecting to see someone rushing on their way to class, but seeing-

"Lou-" Harry started but his voice cut out.

"Hi, I'm Louis," Louis said, pushing his fringe out his eyes. "Louis Tomlinson."

Harry's mouth was open a little, and he didn't know what to reply because he didn't understand what was happening.

"I'm sorry, I just saw you from across the courtyard and I wanted to say hi." Louis raised an eyebrow, the gently curve arching slightly. "You are...?" he prompted, his blue eyes dancing, mischievous.

"H-Harry," Harry stammered. "Mm name's Harry," he repeated, scrambling for words as he started to catch on.

Would you do it different? If we got to go back to the first day?

"Well, Harry, it was nice to meet you," Louis winked.

"We should go for coffee sometime," Harry blurted out.

"Hm... quite forward," Louis smiled playfully. "I like that in a man."

Harry was practically trembling. "Please can we? I'd really, I want to... I mean, if you want to-"

"Sounds perfect, love," Louis said gently.

"Good," Harry smiled, his nervous energy coming out in little giggles.

"Oh, and one more thing..." Louis said, fishing through the pocket of his jeans. "I found this the other day, I didn't know if it belonged to you, or...?"

Louis held up the thin gold chain in between his fingers, the delicate swallow charm shivering in the breeze.

He blue eyes were steady on Harry's as he held the necklace forward.

An offering.

"Yeah, that's, that's mine," Harry said. "That's mine," he repeated, wanted to make sure Louis knew, how much he wanted this, wanted this more than anything. "I can't believe I let it go," he added. "I really love that necklace, a lot."

"Just don't lose it this time, yeah?" Louis said softly, looking vulnerable, but looking hopeful.

"I'll take good care of it," Harry said. "Won't lose it again."

Louis smiled, trying to contain it, but his eyes were crinkling as he handed Harry the delicate piece of jewelry.

"So coffee tonight then?" Harry asked hopefully.

"Yeah," Louis smiled. "Yeah, I'd like that."

The End.

IMPORTANT: If you liked this story, I'd love it if you could vote for the chapters (it only takes two minutes to go back and vote for all/some of the chapters) and/or leave a comment or add to a reading list. This fanfiction is the standard length of a novel- which would cost $10-$20 at a bookstore. I know there are lots of readers who never vote or comment or make reading lists which I understand, but please think of it as a way of "paying" for the book, I appreciate it SO much and it helps the story get out there! Thank you for reading all the way to the end :)

And now, to the really engaged readers: I've read (and will continue to read) every single comment you lovely people have left on this book- which is over a thousand and four hundred at the time I'm writing this. I've laughed out loud more times than I can count watching you react to the story, all the times you get mad at the characters, all the times you were shipping Niam in the background, (especially) all your dirty jokes (*coughs* watersports), when you catch all my references. And of course, every time you compliment my writing style it means the world to me. Normally writing feels like I'm talking to myself but this time it felt like something special. Thank you for being such a big part of this story (and feel free to message me if you ever feel like it) <3

And last, a brief note on anxiety: I tried not to romanticize it because I know that's a problematic way to represent it. But there were a few years in my life where I was very similar to Harry (his symptoms are realistic to my experiences, but of course not everyone's), and for me it was always comforting to read about someone with anxiety being taken care of and cuddled and loved- and even if that wasn't always the case in my life, reading about it helped me through it. Of course, if you have any of the issues covered in this story, the best thing is to talk to someone you trust or a professional, the way characters deal with things is not meant to be an example of what to do.

Stay lovely :)