Chapter Thirty Five

"Hey, Haz, how are-" Louis started as he opened the door.

Harry looked up from where he was sitting on the bed, his hands shaking slightly.

Louis' smile faded a little when he saw Harry's expression.

"I'm here," Louis said, rushing to Harry's side. "Talk to me, babe, what's wrong?"

"I got a call," Harry said, his voice shaking a little. "It was from, from my ex... he just wanted to say sorry."

"Sorry for...?"

"Sorry that my dad passed away?" Harry said, his voice rising at the end, making it seem like it were a question. "And I looked up the obituary on- online," he stammered.

"Oh, baby, come here," Louis said, pulling the younger boy against his chest. "It's gonna be alright."

"I don't know what to do," Harry said, his breath hitching a little as he tried to hold back his sobs. "I don't wanna have to tell," he sniffled. "Don't want to have to tell my mom, and- and Gemma," he said, his face warm with tears.

"Sweetie..." Louis said, rubbing gentle circles onto Harry's back. "They already knew, hunny... I'm sorry you had to find out like this though- that wasn't how it was supposed to work out."

Harry pulled away from his boyfriend, his green eyes flickering with confusion. "What do you mean they knew? Did you know?"

"Yeah, well I-" Louis started, his blue eyes not meeting Harry's green ones.

"You knew that my dad was-" Harry cut himself off. "You knew about it and you just... you just- what?" Harry's nails were scratching at his arms now, and Louis swiftly moved Harry's hands away from his wrists.

"I was going to tell you, love. But you have a lot going on this week. And you know you would have..."

"Would have what?" Harry asked, his voice rising as he swatted Louis' hands away. "Don't fucking touch me," he hissed. He could feel something in him bubbling, his lungs felt tight and his veins felt like they were knotting slowly, making his blood pound through his heart until it felt ready to leap out of his chest.

"Be reasonable, Haz," Louis said calmly. "You know you would have had really bad panic attacks, you wouldn't have been able to finish that report you had due, it was worth a ton of your grade... it just made more sense this way," he said soothingly. "I'm really sorry for your loss though, can we talk about that, hun? Are you ready to talk about it?"

"I don't want to talk about anything with you!" Harry said, and if he could feel himself slipping out of it before, it was definitely past his control at this point. He felt as though he were watching himself onscreen, it felt like he'd floated away from his own body.

"You can't keep hiding from everything like you always do," Louis said. "It would help so much if you'd just talk about-"

"I'm not the one who's hiding anything!" Harry said, his voice picking up in anger. "You can't just keep things from me like that!"

"I was going to tell you soon," Louis insisted.

"But you didn't tell me. You didn't fucking tell me," Harry said, his voice still rising.

"Gemma told me to wait until-"

"Gemma wouldn't hide things from me!" Harry yelled, his voice booming across the room. He knew everyone in the neighboring rooms could probably hear everything but Harry couldn't stop.

Harry's yelling seemed to have finally snapped something in Louis, whose eyes looked like venom now. "Grow the fuck up, Harry! Everyone does this to you!"

"No they don't, it's just you, no one else hides things from me you're just a-" Harry started, feeling his hands trembling. He knew he wasn't going to hit Louis, but he'd give anything to have a punching bag in front of him now.

"Who's the last person Niall slept with?" Louis asked, cutting Harry off mid sentence.

Harry looked over, a little blankly. "Why does it matter?" he seethed.

"You don't know do you?" Louis asked, and Harry felt like he was taunting him.

"Katie," Harry snapped. "Katie Sheppard. The girl he took to prom."

Louis eyes were locked with Harry's, challenging. Like a standoff.

"Guess someone doesn't know Niall as well as he thought," Louis shrugged.

"Oh, and you know him better than I do?" Harry yelled, seeing Louis flinch a little at his voice. Harry had spent so long acting small and soft and delicate, that it was easy to forget he was broad shouldered, edging on six feet tall, and had a deep voice that was terrifying when he raised it. "What, because you went for pints with him one fucking time?"

"Yeah, actually," Louis said. "Ask him who the last person he slept with was. It's pretty scandalous, I'd say. Spoiler alert... definitely wasn't Katie. Do you want me to keep going?" Louis asked. "Because trust me, everyone's hiding things from you."

"No they're not!" Harry yelled, and he dug his hands into the sheets, until Louis could hear the tear of fabric.

"Harry, shit, I'm-" Louis took a slow breath. "I'm sorry," the older boy said. "I love you so much, let's just calm down for a second please."

"I'm not gonna fucking calm down!" Harry yelled. "Is that what you want from me? To be normal? Just push off every bad thing that happens so you don't have to deal with me being upset about things?"

"Well you do that yourself," Louis muttered, picking at a hole in his jeans.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"You don't know the first thing about what I've been through because you don't want it to upset you," Louis said.

"I do know things about you!" Harry said. "I know you like to hide things from me like a complete asshole."

"Where were you," Louis said, his eyes narrowing, "After that night you caught me binge eating? Did you ever ask me about it again?"

Harry stayed quiet.

"Did you ever check up on me? Did you ever think maybe that wasn't normal?"

"That was just one-"

"The time you came into my room in January," Louis said. "And you caught me throwing up, and I lied and said it must just be a stomach bug and you said 'that sucks'. Didn't cross your mind to think maybe it was the assignment I failed that morning? Or did you just not want to deal with it?"

Harry sucked in a sharp breath.

"What about the morning after that party, when I saw Michael fall off a balcony? You said we'd talk about it another time, but we never did."

"I want a break," Harry said.

Louis rolled his eyes. "What, like, to go grab a coffee and come back and yell at me some more, or-"

"No," Harry said, his gaze focused on the wall. "I mean, a break. I want a break."

"We're not taking a break," Louis said. "We got into this shitty mess because we didn't talk about these things and I'm not letting you go until we sit down and talk about every goddamn thing we avoided since the start."

"No," Harry said quietly. "I don't want to talk. You're asking for things that I can't give, Louis."

"You can," Louis pleaded. "Please, Harry, I love you. You have anxiety but you aren't defined by it. You have no idea how far you could push yourself, you're capable of so much, and I know we can just talk things through, I know it's a lot of upsetting things, but-"

"I don't want this anymore, Lou," Harry said quietly. He fumbled with the chain on his swallow necklace, before placing it in Louis' hands. "Have a good rest of the semester," Harry said.

"No, please just- I just want to talk!" Louis stammered, his blue eyes watering, as he clasped tightly to the little gold chain in his hands.

"I'm sorry," Harry whispered, before he ran out of the room, slumping down in a corner sobbing only once he was far far away from his boyfriend... ex- boyfriend.