Chapter Thirty Two

"Liam?" Louis asked, squinting his eyes open a little. He didn't remember blacking out, but he was in his friend's bed now- snuggled into a freshly washed comforter, the sunlight streaming in through the blinds.

Liam came into the room with a large mug of coffee and some aspirin. He sat down on the edge of the bed, and handed the coffee and pills to Louis, smoothing out the blankets a little bit before looking over at Louis with a serious expression.

"What?" Louis asked. He could finally think clearly again, his thoughts coming in nice little waves, gentle and easy to understand. He remembered the other night when his mind was a mess, flitting in and out of flashbacks and muddling what was really happening with things that had happened to him a long time ago, tangling everything through his desperate hazy panic. Thank God he felt sober now.

"Are you okay?" Liam asked, raising his eyebrows a little in concern.

"I'm... yeah, I'm fine," Louis said, sipping on the coffee and swallowing two pills, wincing at his splitting headache. "How's Michael?" he asked, the scene from last night coming back to him like some sort of horrifying movie he'd watched, not feeling real to him, not feeling tangible.

"Well, from what I've been hearing this morning, there's a lot broken and there might be internal bleeding... those are the rumours anyway," Liam added. "Everyone's been texting everyone, so I don't know if it's all true but he'll be... he'll be okay after a while, it sounds like. The way he landed he didn't hit his head or damage his spine, so that's the most important thing."

"That's good," Louis said, sipping on his coffee and waiting for Liam to say something else. He could feel it weighing in the air, pressing down on him.

"I heard someone say you slept with Wes," Liam said.

There it was.

"Well you heard wrong," Louis said honestly, remembering the way his hands shook as he left the room crying.

"So you didn't sleep with him?" Liam asked, his brows scrunched in confusion. "I know a few people said you were in a room together. Alone."

"No! Oh my God, no," Louis said. "It wasn't like that."

"Well did he-" Liam cleared his throat. "Uh, did he... touch you?"

"No," Louis said, "He didn't-"

"Kiss you?" Liam demanded. "Did he kiss you?"

"No," Louis said, "No he didn't kiss me. On the cheek I think, though." He added.

"What did he do then?" Liam asked. "Because honestly, Lou, I know you don't want me involved with your love life, but I worry, alright?"

"He touched my legs," Louis said quietly, not looking up at Liam. "And rubbed my arms and said... things to me, and touched my stomach. I just feel really gross, I feel like I cheated or something." He bit the inside of his cheek, nervously waiting for Liam to say something, expecting him to yell or tell him that he didn't deserve Harry.

He wasn't expecting him to start laughing.

"He touched your legs?" Liam laughed. "That's not cheating, Lou. Me and Niall get more handsy just asking each other about our day."

"Well that's a whole different problem," Louis said, managing to smile a little before it faded again. "But he... he wanted to sleep with me."

"So?" Liam asked. "Trust me, Lou. As weird as it is for me to say this, a lot of guys want to sleep with you. It's not a big deal as long as you say no. I mean, the fact that you were drunk makes it an automatic no," Liam added. "But I can't get into that without wanting to individually punch every guy that's taken advantage of you being drunk to try and sleep with you-" Liam took a steadying breath, stopping himself from saying anything further.

They'd gotten into a constant string of arguments since they met- always over the same thing. Louis feeling like he needed alcohol to blur things out and fade the sharp edges, and Liam insisting that he couldn't be consenting when he was such an altered state of mind. And maybe it took until last night for Louis to realize that Liam had been right. But now that it had worked its way into his mind, the thought kept pulling at Louis, making him rethink every guy he'd slept with, wondering if every slurred yes should have sounded like a no to whatever guy had pulled him away to another room. It was a lot to think about- too much to think about alone. He wanted to be half asleep in Harry's lap, have his hair played with, and just talk for hours about everything, about years worth of things that confused him. But maybe it wasn't the right time.

"I thought about it though." Louis said quietly.

"You thought about what?"

"I thought about saying yes," Louis whispered. "I thought it might make me feel... I don't know? Alive? Like my old self? I just-" he said softly, "I don't really talk to Harry about my... my problems, I guess? It's so hard to try and be perfect for him all the time and sometimes I just want to be wanted and I just, I don't know... I don't really remember much now but I was so so confused, God, I could barely even tell where I was. Fuck, I was so out of it."

"Well he shouldn't have been trying sleep with you if you were that drunk, that's honestly-" Liam sighed. "I just get worried, Lou, I hate when people try and take advantage of you."

"Do you think I need to tell Harry?"

"That what? You almost thought about cheating on him? When you were literally so drunk you couldn't remember your address when I hauled your arse into a taxi? No, I think you can leave that lovely little bit of information out of your relationship." Liam said.

"But I don't know what to tell him," Louis said, pulling the blankets tighter around him.

"Already taken care of," Liam said. "He was calling your phone non-stop in the taxi, so I picked up and told him that I dragged you out to a party with me, and that you were there when Michael fell and that's why you were so upset on the phone. No Wes, no excessive drinking... you're welcome," Liam said.

"But what if I should... shouldn't I tell him the truth though?" Louis asked. "I mean, I know I would never actually sleep with someone else- I mean, this kind of just proved that even when I could barely walk I still just wanted him- but I just wanted to feel like someone was attracted to me. God this is embarrassing-" Louis added, "I love him so fucking much but I think I need to talk about what I used to be like, and I don't know," he said, his voice lowering a little, "Maybe talk about the things I've been through? I think I just need to stop pretending to be a perfect boyfriend, the pressure's driving me crazy, and maybe he doesn't want Perfect Boyfriend Louis... maybe just regular Louis is enough." Louis said, his voice small, biting his lip nervously.

"You don't need to tell him anything. Look," Liam said. "In a normal relationship, I would say yeah, you should talk to him about everything, but Harry has anxiety. You can deal with it on your own, you don't need to confide in him about these things. He doesn't need to see all of you, just the good parts, you know? Leave all those other bits out. I think he needs someone stable, needs someone without all those issues, you don't want to stress him out with it."

"I mean, I know he has anxiety, but I think he can handle knowing a bit about my past, maybe it would even bring us closer and-" Louis stopped. "You're looking at me like I'm crazy. Bad idea?"

"Horrible idea," Liam said. "He doesn't need to know your past- trust me." Liam moved a little closer to Louis on the bed, and spoke gently, seeing how Louis was still wincing from his migraine. "I know you think it would help your relationship to tell Harry about the things that bother you, but I don't think you want to risk making him anxious. I mean, I love regular Louis, " Liam said, squeezing Lou's shoulder with a smile. "But I think Perfect Boyfriend Louis is what Harry really wants... all your issues and worries and problems would just drive him away you know? He doesn't need to know the real Louis, it'd just be too much for him."

"Okay," Louis said, slowly, sighing a little. "Okay, you're... probably right."

Liam gave him a comforting pat on the shoulder before he left Louis in the room, alone with just a half empty cup of coffee and his swirling thoughts.

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Harry shifted a little on the bench, looking like he was struggling to get comfy while he waited for his train to come. He was just trying to roll up his jacket, probably trying to make a little pillow to sit on when Louis gently put his hand on his shoulder. Harry gasped sharply, pulling his earbuds out and looking over, his eyes shifting from fear to warmth in rapid succession.

"Oh my God, Louis!"

And Harry was leaping up because Louis was standing but Louis was trying to sit down because Harry was sitting and they were a tangled mess as Harry latched onto him like a baby koala clinging to a tree branch. Harry's lips were frantic, kissing Louis' hair and cheeks and finally, the tip of his nose, which was still flushed from the cold.

"I thought I wasn't gonna see you before I left!" Harry said, his green eyes flickering with energy, like just Louis' presence was enough to recharge him after a draining few weeks of exams and essays.

"Well I begged me mum to change our plans and pick me up late tonight instead, so here I am," Louis said, feeling warmer just from being near his boyfriend, his whole face lighting up, and his eyes crinkling around the corners.

"Here you are," Harry said softly, and leaned forward to kiss Louis gently. He glanced around the train  station after, trying to make sure no one had been watching, cheeks flushing as he wrapped his hands around Louis' waist and rested his head on his shoulder. Sometimes Harry was alright with public affection (a little overwhelming with it at times, to be perfectly honest) and sometimes just the thought of kissing in public was enough to make Harry blush.

"Love you," Louis said quietly, one hand keeping Harry close to him, and the other smoothing through his curls. "Love you so much, H."

"I love you too," Harry said, pulling away from their hug so he could look Louis in the eyes. "You're okay right?"

"Yeah I'm okay," Louis said, and the two sat down on the bench. An announcement came over the speakers. Harry's train was on schedule to arrive in twenty minutes.

"And your friend?" Harry said, "The one that fell off the balcony? Is he okay?"

"He's..." Louis took a slow breath, "He's not doing great, but I have another friend checking in on him, she says he'll be alright."

"I'm sorry you had to see that," Harry said, squeezing Louis' hand in a show of comfort. "It must have been awful."

Louis nodded, lacing his fingers through his boyfriend's. "It was just terrifying," he said, running his fingers through his fringe to move it away from his eyes. "All I heard was screaming and then it was-"

"Sorry, Lou, can we just-" Harry interrupted him. "Can we just not talk about it? Maybe another time or something, it's just a lot to take in. I'd rather just talk about something happy."

Louis nodded, and he looked past where Harry was sitting. He had his back to the telly that was mounted on the wall. Harry hated the news. Made him feel like the world was ending.

And Louis saw his boyfriend pale and flushed and happy, with wars he might not even know about flashing by on the screen he turned his back to, smiling at his boyfriend who had stories and traumas and fears and memories that he might never be ready to listen to.

"You're such a perfect boyfriend," Harry smiled.

"Thanks, love."

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Author's Note: How is everyone?! Someone please tell me how their week is going, I'm so lonely! I've been too busy to be on here all week and I missed hearing from you and reading comments (please feel free to leave a ton of comments on this chapter, I missed reading those, they cheer me up!). My week's been alright, just too many readings for school and I went on an awkward date, but otherwise, things are good :)

Sorry this chapter is like, outrageously long, I feel like I haven't sat down to write for fun in ages!