Chapter Twenty Six

"Have you talked to him about your dad yet?" Niall asked.

"No," Harry muttered. "There's nothing to tell," he added, picking a little at the bandage on his arm.

Niall gently slapped his hand away. "Two more hours," he said. "If you get an infection, it's all your fault."

"I just want to see what it looks like," Harry sighed impatiently.

"It was a rose when I put it on, it'll still be a rose when the bandage comes off," Niall said rolling his eyes. "God, you have a tiny dorm room," he added, looking around at Harry's cramped living space, barely a few feet away from his roommate's unmade bed.

"I know," Harry said, "There's a reason why we never hang out here."

"I thought it was because your roommate was an ass," Niall commented.

"He's fine," Harry mumbled. He kept telling himself that his roommate was fine, that Dax just had a different sense of humour that Harry didn't get... Harry found a hundred different ways to somehow make everyone one of his Dax's comments into his own fault.

"Just tell Louis that-" Niall started.

"That what?" Harry snapped. "That my dad fucking walked out on me? That I miss him every single day anyway? Thought you didn't even like Louis," he muttered. He was pouting and feeling a little like a child right now but he didn't know how to stop it, part of him just felt so irritable, like it was bubbling under his skin making it impossible to focus on anything else.

"Yeah, I think you should tell him," Niall said. "That's something that's important to know, H. And yeah, I like Louis I just don't like that you're so different around him. You're bottling things," Niall said. "I can tell... if you just let things go a little-"

"I'm not bottling anything!" Harry insisted, his voice raising in frustration.

Niall reached out for Harry's hands and held them in his own, rubbing his calloused thumbs across the slim tattoos on the back of Harry's hands. "Mate, you are a mess right now from holding things in and I don't even know where to start with sorting you out, but you're gonna explode if you don't start talking to someone about all the things you've got going on."

"I'm fi-"

"You're not fine," Niall interrupted. "How bout we start with something simple, huh?" He gave Harry's large hands a gentle squeeze. "Why was I finding so many engagement videos in my YouTube history?"

"I just... I like them?" Harry tried.

"Ten in a row isn't liking- it's obsessive."

"Okay," Harry said quietly and then took a slow breath. "I'm worried that no one will ever do something like that for me," he admitted. "Not, like that no one will propose for me or whatever, marriage is still a while away," he added seeing Niall's panicked expression. "But it's more like, that no one would ever do something like that for me, that I'd never have anyone that cared enough to, you know, do something that elaborate. That I won't ever mean that much to someone, you know? Maybe it's stupid," he added hastily, pulling his hands away from Niall's.

"It's not stupid at all," Niall said gently. "I don't think you realize how much people really care about you."

"Maybe you're right," Harry said, closing his eyes a little and trying to take a steadying breath. His panic always started in his lungs and seeped and clawed its way out. But it always started in his lungs.

"Just stop bottling, okay?" Niall said- he said it like it was the easiest thing to do.

"Okay," Harry promised, but every breath he brought into his lungs felt like it just stayed there, like he didn't know how to let go of the air that settled into his lungs, just collecting like a balloon that was about to pop. He needed to let go, needed to scream and sob and just talk about every tiny little thing that was chipping away at him, talk and cry for hours- maybe days... maybe under a blanket fort with a steady stream of lattes and shhhh it's alright babe, I'm here now and his boyfriend's arms around him and his stubble tickling Harry's soft skin and maybe a bubble bath and Louis could just hold him from behind and wash him up while Harry leaned against his chest and let go of all the tension, skin slick with bubbles. Maybe that would help.

Maybe.

But Harry clamped his jaw tighter, feeling every muscle in his body tense up, feeling like he couldn't let anything go, like there were some sort of weight pressing into his skin that he couldn't let go of, that he had to grip tighter and tighter until his knuckles were white. The weight on his shoulders of every little thing he'd tried to ignore was pressing down and he couldn't hold out much longer.

"If I were a better boyfriend, maybe Louis would-"

"Don't say that," Niall interrupted. "I'm sure you're an amazing boyfriend."

Maybe Louis wouldn't leave me like my dad did... like Cameron did. Harry wanted to finish. Maybe if he were more normal, maybe if he did things at a more normal pace, maybe if he were faster at the things that took him too long...

His cheeks burned in shame thinking about the other week at the party, getting off against Louis' leg like a pathetic teenager. He wasn't ready to take his jeans off, wasn't ready for Louis to touch him- months into the relationship.

Maybe if he just let Louis take control, have his fun with him, maybe that would be enough to make him want to stay.

Maybe.

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"So you're telling me that you haven't had sex with him yet?" Liam asked, raising his eyebrows.

"No, we just, we did a bit of messing about but nothing too serious."

"Details, Tommo. How else will I know how much to judge you?"

"He, uh, he kind of got himself off against my leg," Louis admitted, thinking back to Harry's face, flushed and happy as he pressed himself over and over into Louis' thick muscled thighs, his pink lips parted and trembling a little as he let out the little sounds from the back of his throat. Louis had never felt so connected to someone in that sense before, despite the long list of guys he'd been physically close with, this was the first time he'd really felt that intimate, like Harry was looking up at him with all the trust in the world, like Louis was the only one who could make him feel that good.

"What, like a dog or something?" Liam asked, stealing a spoonful of ice cream from the carton that Louis was eating out of.

"What? No!" Louis said, glaring at his friend. "Jesus, Liam, it wasn't like that. It was like, slow and heavy and he was moaning and it was just so fucking... mmm. Oh my God when he was done he was just like, he was just mine, you know? Like fuck, he was just looking up at me and I'd made him feel so good and the whole thing was just... fuck... it was the best I've ever had, odd as that sounds. Even if I did have to sneak off to the bathroom to finish for myself," he added.

"You know- this is the longest you've gone without since your first time," Liam pointed out.

"I know," Louis muttered into his ice cream. "I don't need you to remind me."

"You're not going crazy yet with it?" Liam asked, leaning up against the kitchen counter.

"I'll live," Louis shrugged. "If he wants to wait, he wants to wait, there's literally nothing I could do to change that. Why so curious about my sex life all of a sudden?"

"No reason," Liam said. "Just don't want to see him get hurt, is all."

Louis froze with his spoon halfway up to his lips. "You literally thought I would cheat on him just to get laid?"

Liam didn't reply.

"Glad to think my friends think so highly of me," Louis snapped.

His eyes were burning with stress tears as he rushed to his room and slammed the door. He felt nauseous as his head swam with all the one night stands he'd had in the past few years. "I'm not like that anymore," he whispered to himself but he could still feel the lump in his throat- so thick, he had to throw away the rest of his ice cream.

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"Oh God, Louis... it feels good," Harry moaned, writhing against the mattress, cheeks flushed pink and lips bitten red. "Oh my fucking God, please." His green eyes were dark and heavy lidded, and he couldn't keep his hips still, kept moving them up to meet Louis', kept turning his head and whimpering against the pillow.

"Please what?" Louis asked, detaching himself from the spot on Harry's neck he was nibbling.

"Please just, I want you to-" Harry bit his lip, sucking on his lip piercing, and guided Louis' hands down to the waistband of his jeans. "I'm ready," he said quietly. "I fucking want you, Lou. I don't want to wait anymore- can we? I'm ready, please."

Louis looked down at his green eyed boy, looking nervous but hopeful as he panted a little, lips parted and eyebrows raised a little- expectantly.

"I'm not," Louis said quietly.

"You're not what?" Harry asked, his hands still tight around Louis' small waist.

"I'm not ready," Louis whispered.

Author's Note: THANK YOU FOR OVER 10 000 READS! Wow! I've had such a great time writing this and you've all made it so fun with all of your comments and your amazing support :)

Sorry I've been gone for a while, life's kind of rough right now (for anyone who hadn't guessed how I got H's anxiety so realistic, there's a lot of emotions I based off of what I've been through myself). I should be able to write something again in maybe a week? Reading your comments always cheers me up and I have some ideas for the next chapter so hopefully I'll be able to post something over the weekend!

How's everyone else doing? I feel lonely, it feels like forever since I've been on here!

Also, would you guys like to see something from Niall or Liam's perspective? Not a full chapter I don't think, just maybe part of one?