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Noah
"Noahâ"
"What the hell are you trying to prove here?" I turn towards my father as I stop my speed walking. He stops steps further away from me.
We are a block or so from that building in the middle of a fucking road at one am in the morning.
In my rage, I had walked to that goddamn place without realizing how far it was actually. But he has his car. He could've gone but no, he wants to walk with me to the fucking hospital.
"A thank you would've been better," He comments.
"You know what?" I step towards him. "Thank you. Now, can you get out of my face?"
He sighs, pushing back his hair. "Noah, just get in the damn carâthe weather forecast said there will be a storm tonight."
I scoff. "So? If you don't want to get wet, just get in your car and go."
I gesture behind him where his driver has stopped his car. The driver has been following us closely too.
Again, I turn away from him and start walking when he says, "Stop being stubborn and just get in the car."
"Stâ" I exhale, "I am not in a mood to argue with youâor even have the energy. I just want to go..."
To Bella.
Her pendant, in my pocket, suddenly feels too heavy.
Maybe it is my imagination, again, that I see my father's stern eyes turn soft. But I realize that it isn't my imagination, when he says, softly, "Get in the car, Noah. You will be with her in no time."
With both of us, at the same place, it always feels like there's a time bomb just waiting to explode. But right now, it's different, and he and I both know this.
So, I nod my head, accepting it.
The ride back to the hospital is silent and tense too. Even the driver feels it as he puts on the music player. To my surprise, he and I have the same music taste; my father actually listens to R&B, but I don't show anything.
My father coughs, embarrassed. "I hope you don't mind my playlist."
I don't say anything, as Mario's voice resonates in the car. The song continues and fuckâthe only thing I can think of is my life with Bella and how it has been better than the rest of my life. All the memories I've shared with her.
Trying to distract my mind from negative thoughts, I push back my hair and lean back on the seat. I ask, "Why did you do it?"
He lets out a breath, knowing what I mean. He leans forward and whispers something to the driver, before sitting back and putting up the divider. Slowly, the playlist becomes a gentle hum in the background.
My father turns towards me. "I know I am not the best father or even a good fatherâ"
"If this is an apology for how shitty you were towards me," I interrupt him, turning away. "Save it. I don't want to hear it."
"Why are you being so difficult?" He huffs.
"I am the one being difficult?" I look at him. "I don't need to remind you of all the times where you were the difficult one. I am sure you remember the times you gave me shit."
He stares at me. "Well, I was not the one who thought of peeing in front of a professor's house because I was high as fuck. I also was not the one who got arrested eight fucking times in Britain and my father got me out. For things that I have no remembrance of doing because I was high."
"Yes, you weren't but you were busy cheating on Mum."
He stills and says in a lethal calm, "What."
"I saw the headlines, two years ago." Somehow his shocked look satisfies me and I continue, "Grandmother tried to hide it from Chris and me but I found it eventually. For how many months did you fuâ"
"The fact," He starts, slowly, "that you even think I would cheat on your mother tells me how much our relationship has been ruined."
I pause as he pushes back his hair, leaning back on the seat.
He says to me, "Noah, I would never cheat on my wife. The thought of someone else other than your mother being with me makes me sick. I love her more than you can imagine."
"There was a pictureâ"
"It was a fake stunt by a paparazzi group that had been dying to get some scandal." He looks at me, trying to gauge my reaction. "Did I make you that miserable that you thought I would do something like that?"
"You didn't make me feel content to not think that either," I say to him, honestly.
All the air leaves the car, and the tension slowly creeps in. Both of us look awayâas if we are scared of the sudden honesty and civility between us.
Yet I say, "You didn't answer my question."
I hear him sigh. "You don't know this but I was after the Bookers when I first got tipped off about their side businesses. The only people who I told about this were Amelia and Mia."
I turn towards him. "Did you just say Mia?"
"We needed a lawyer and Mia is the best I know. So, yes, she was in this." He tells me, "Then, today, I got the call from her telling me about her daughter and how you left the hospital in a hurry, after what Aditya said. It didn't take a genius to know where you were going."
"You said Iris is family."
"She is important to you. So, she's family."
"Last time, I checked you didn't like her being with me," I remind him.
"That time I was testing her."
I blink. "Testing her?" I ask him, as the anger in me towards him starts boiling again. "By slut-shaming her?"
He let out a long sigh. "That was wrong of me, I am sorry. I got out of line."
"Damn right, you did," I snap and look away from him. "But it isn't me who you should apologize to."
"Yes," He agrees, allowing the silence to grow between us.
When we reach the hospital, the reality of Bella's surgery hits me. My hand is on the handle to open the door but I don'tâI can't.
My father notices. "You're stalling."
"Why do you hate me?" I ask him and turn to look at him.
He takes a few breaths and looks around the room. Then he shrugs. "You are my son." He looks me in the eyes, naked honesty seeming to remove any distance between us.
"You are my son, Noah. I can never hate you," He tells me, "It is just that it is family history that Radcliffe men have never gotten along with their sons."
"What are you talking about?" I ask him. "Grandmother told me you had a good relationship with Grandfather."
He scoffs. "Mother just tries to rectify the history. Your grandfather and I didn't have the best relationship and it just worsened after I married your mum. He was against itâfairly, both of your grandparents were against it but I didn't care and that is one of the best decisions I've ever made."
He continues, "The worst decision I did was to distance myself from you because of what my father and I had. With Amelia and Chris, it just came easily. But with youâI tried my best to be there for you but every time I saw you, I got reminded of how my father was to me and how there was a chance I would be the same to you. So, I thought it would be better if I stay away. But it wasn't that I didn't try."
He glances at me. "I knew about the hockey incident in your middle school when you got into that football team. I knew about the verbal bullying you faced. And because of all that, I tried to make you get into the business and convince you to leave football."
"You were the one who convinced Mum to change my school," I murmur but he hears it.
"Yes." He nods. "Don't worry, I know you don't want your mum to know about it. And also, I'm sure you will be a great footballer one day. I saw the video from the championshipâyou played well."
Then, he says, "When I said that you weren't my son, I never meant it. You are my sonâalways will be. I am extremely sorry I couldn't be the father you deserve."
His words nearly knock the wind from my chest along with the angry thoughts in my mind. His eyesâthe same pair as mineâare brimming with so many emotions I have never seen on him. I feel some of the weight on me liftsâlike years of anger is finally dissolving.
I want to say something but whatever feeling I have in me right now stops me. It is strong and growing, telling me whatever I'll say just ruin the moment. And I don't want to ruin it.
This isn't me. This is that little six-year-old Noah, who wrote songs for and sang to people he cared for and was annoyingly optimistic. That's the only explanation for this feeling.
After an internal debate, I just sigh and proceed to open the door. Just for a moment, I fuck all of that debate and sayâ
"I forgive you, Dad."
I close the door, behind me, and start walking towards the hospital. It has started raining hard, so I get wet in the process but I have never minded thunderstorms. I know that as I enter into the big one, I've been trying to avoid.
***
I am two turns away from the emergency wing when I crash with Caleb. I almost don't recognize him with the huge purple hat he has on and the fast pace he's going somewhere, mumbling a sorry to me.
I call out, "Caleb?"
He looks back at me and whatever neutrality he had a moment ago, vanishes into a thin air. He walks back to me, the nerve on his forehead ticking.
"You."
I sigh. "Calebâ"
"My sister was drugged, Noahâ" He pushes me back in anger. "Mind telling how she was and why I should think it wasn't you who did it?"
"She ate a bunch of pot cupcakes at the party," I answer him, "when I wasn't with her."
He glares. "And how do I know you hadn't put them there?"
I stare at him at that question. The audacityâ "You haven't deleted the picture, have you?" I ask him back.
He scoffs and gets out his phone. He shows the same fucking picture again to me on his phone. "Did you think I would forget that we had a literal crackhead in our group?"
The photo was taken a few months ago. I know this, because there I am in the picture, smoking a joint in the secluded corner of our school parking lot. I remember coming high to school in that first week of my return to the town but after that, I only remember going back to my room on the verge of passing out.
Last time, I hadn't said anything because I wanted to get his favor but not now. The way my mind reacts to this is different. I am not taking a step, followed by more steps, and out the fucking hospital, as I have the sudden urge to defend myself. So, I straighten myself and look at him, right into his eyes.
"It has been months. I am clean as fuck," I say to him, trying to push back the urge to punch his face. "You cannot go on showing the same picture you had clicked three or so months ago. A lot of things have changed since then, Caleb Wallace."
"Yeah, like my sister getting admitted to a hospital in the middle of the night because some girl was obsessed with you."
I huff a laugh, realizing. "Nothing I ever do will make you trust me. But you know what, Caleb, I don't care about your opinion or even asking your blessing. Because you are so blinded by this protection thing you do for Iris and everyoneâeven your own best friendâhas stopped talking to you. Are you sure you are protecting her or protecting yourself from your own feelings?"
He steps back from me as I distance myself from him too. I can see the gears in his head-turning, but I don't want anything to do with him. I never thought of him as my friend but surely, I don't think of him as an acquaintance anymore.
Leaving him behind, I finally reach the emergency wing. Now, there are more people here than those hours ago. Colt is sitting beside Adi, both of them are quiet. Steve is nowhere to be found. And then there is Mum and Mia, talking near the water stand.
Mum sees me first when I approach them. She lets out a breath and walks towards me. "Noah..." She says, hugging me. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine, Mum," I say, clipped.
She pulls away and looks across my face, while I try not to look at her. "You and your father talked."
"It wasn't a talk, more like confession," I mumble.
She hums, as Mia comes forward. She smiles at me, before punching me on my arm. Shocked, I glance at my arm and then, at her.
Mum huffs a laugh. "You deserved that."
Mia says to me, pointing her finger at me, "You are so goddamn irresponsible! Who told you to walk to that asshole's house like that? And that too without telling us? I had to bully Aditya for informationâ"
That gets both of my friends' attention. They look at me, trying to understand the commotion, and when they do, they don't come up to help me. I get itâthey are afraid of Mia.
"âand who the hell has the idea to get a hackerâno, a noob to get information, huh?"
"Not a noob," Adi mumbles but Mia ignores him.
"Do you understand how much trouble you and Adi can be in? But leave that! You, idiot, has to go to the house and did what? You know what, don't tell me! I know you almost killed that mother fuâ"
Mum coughs a laugh, almost as shocked as I am.
"âto death. Right?" She pushes her finger against my chest. "Do you have any idea what couldâ" She pauses, tears coming to her eyes.
"Mia, I'm fine." I take her hand from my chest and hold it between mine. "I'm... okay. Just some minor cuts on the hands but I'm okay."
"You better be," She sniffles. "I don't want you too on a hospital bed, okay?"
I let out a breath and look at Mum. She understands and wraps her arm around Mia's shoulder, taking her towards the seats. It is scary to see Mia cry and by the redness in her eyes, she probably hasn't really stopped crying.
Just then, Caleb comes with a box of coffees. He walks past me without a glance as he gives coffee to everyone else. Colt looks between us, sensing the tension maybe, and raises a brow.
But I just look away and lean against the wall behind me.
The way the atmosphere is in here, I realize how much everyone loves Iris. It is the middle of the night and the forecasted storm has started yet these people are here for her. It only makes sense; she has been there for everyone every time, even when they never say they need help. Now, everyone's here for her.
I am about to sit when Steve comes. Except for me, no one has noticed him yet. I walk over to him, nerves setting in on me.
He meets me with a small smile. But before I can ask, he says, "We need to talk."
I nod, breathing in. He opens up a door next to us and I follow him inside. The lights slip in from the glass panel of the door and I notice it is an empty hospital ward with just a steel bed in here.
Steve lets out a breath, closing the door.
I ask him, first, "Is Iris okay?"
"She's..." He trails away, rubbing his face. "She's in a coma."
My heart drops.
"The surgery was a success but still, it is delicate. She was unconscious throughout that," he says.
She may not remember.
She may lose parts of her memory.
She may lose me.
I lean back on the steel bed, behind me, pushing back my hair. "Will she be fine?"
Steve's eyes flicker around my face. "As far as her doctor told me and I got, she hasn't suffered huge brain damage. So, there are high chances for her to recover."
I let out a shaky breath. "She will be okay."
"Yeah. Yeah, she will be fine," he says, nodding. "I wanted to tell you this first because..." He sighs and smiles. "Well, I thought so you should."
"Appreciate that."
Before going out of the room, he pats my shoulder. "I'm glad my daughter found someone who loves her so much."
Dumbfounded, I just stand in the same place. But after he leaves the room, everything I've been trying to stop just starts. My pulse hammers in my ears, and the room spins around me. Bending over and bracing my hands on my knees, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to suck in the air.
She is alive.
She is going to wake up.
She will be fine, Noah.
And that's all that matters.
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