Chapter 21

I jolt awake, panting heavily.

I noticed that the sun was barely rising when I peered out the window.

I feel colder than usual, and I turn to see no one in the bed next to me. Ransom left.

He somehow managed to get me to fall asleep after our conversation last night, well technically, this morning.

I slowly get myself out of bed and walk to his kitchen, where I see my mate sitting at the table, just staring blankly into his cup of black coffee.

I carefully take a seat next to him at his table, and he eventually looks up.

"You don't need to explain anything yet. Nothing about your past or why you deal with the things you deal with, but I figured I should explain my side." He hesitantly speaks.

This piques my interest, and suddenly I'm way more awake than I was a few moments ago.

"I joined the army to get away from the foster system as soon as I could. It took a little bit to finally get to basic training, but when I did, I met a guy who made me come to terms with myself.

"His name was Esteban. He quickly became my best friend and it was rare if you ever saw us separated. I didn't realize or understood why I connected with him so much until we were finished with basic and we decided to move in together and be roommates. That's when he made a move on me and things changed.

"After a few years in the Army, we were both called to report to do a tour together. One day, my unit was patrolling an area, and a landmine was set off. The dogs didn't catch it for some reason, and Esteban was affected." Ransoms voice starts to falter, and I reach out with my hand and gently rest it on top of his, gently urging him to continue.

"Next thing I know I saw his body on some barbed wire a few yards away. I've been having moments and flashbacks ever since and they haven't gotten any worse or any better over the years. The only time I can really escape experiencing that moment over and over is to drink. The medication makes me feel like I'm constantly moving through water, so I barely take it." Ransom finishes, and I'm stunned to say the least.

This is why he denied being gay to me. He doesn't want to lose another person who get get close to him like Esteban.

I notice him staring at me. "Say something, please?"

I blink a few times, trying to find the right thing to say and to not fuck everything up.

"I'm not going to ever make you choose between me or him. I'm not going to tell you to ever stop loving him, or caring about him. You're my second chance as well, so all I can really ask of you is to do the same with me. We're in the same tricky situation and spot, and I'm not going to go around and make it any worse for you. I can promise that." I eventually speak up, and he gives me a tiny smile, lightening the serious tension in the room.

"Deer," he begins, but I cut him off.

"Deer?"

"That's my nickname for you. You ran out in the middle of the road in front of Jadens car like a Deer. So I'm calling you Deer. Anyways, like I was saying," he explains, and I chuckle. It's such a cheesy nickname but he's right, I did jump out in the middle of a road like a Deer.

"Deer, I would do so much to try and relive some good memories of the past. I don't have that option, but you do. I think that you should at least try to go back to where you came from." He carefully steps around his words, afraid to upset me at any given moment.

I pull my hand away from his, and take a deep breath. Is he really suggesting I go back to Ohio?

"Ransom..."

"I'm not saying to fully jump into it. I'm also not making your choice for you. What I'm trying to say is stay there for a while, see if you're okay enough to go back and stay, and if you're not, come back to your life down here?" Ransoms dark brown eyes carefully watch me.

He does point out some good tips and reasoning. I don't have to go back permanently, Arina never said that I have to go back for good.

Maybe this can be a chance to try and get my wolf back? Get back at least something that I had lost that day.

"If I agree, would you come with me?" I bring my knees up to my chest, curiously looking at Ransom.

He nods, without hesitation. "As much as you probably don't want to admit, this can be a good opportunity for you. Get some answers that will put things to rest. If I had a chance like that I would take it. That's why I told you everything and why I think you should go."

I nod. "Then I'll think about it."

He gives me a bright smile, but doesn't say anything. He doesn't need too.

"So tell me more about Esteban." I encourage Ransom.

A light flickers behind his eyes that I've never really seen before, and he begins telling me good memories that the two of them had.

———

A day later, I walk into the cafe, taking off my sunglasses and looking around, trying to spot a familiar face.

I see her waiting for me in one of the corner booths, and I go to sit across from her.

"How are you?" Arina genuinely asks me.

I shrug. I don't really want to dwell on my emotions too much right now.

"Thanks for Uh, meeting me. And being patient with my reply." My fingers begin to nervously tap on the coffee table, and she glances down at them, then back up to meet my eyes again, waiting for me to continue.

"I'll agree to go back with you to Ohio, but only on a few terms." I speak quickly, before she can excitedly interrupt me.

"And what are they?" She tilts her head.

"I won't be there permanently. Imagine it being like a month long trial," I begin. "And you can't hold me responsible for any Beta duties. There's no way I can uphold them and follow through with them."

"That's an easy fix. We can just build your muscle back up and get you into some training courses if your 'trial' goes well." She sips her tea.

I shake my head. "It's not that simple actually, Arina. I don't have my wolf. I haven't heard from him since, um...you know."

Arina leans back in her seat, shock evident on her face as she gets lost in her own thought.

Bet she wasn't expecting that type of news from me.

"So, your wolf has not made any sort of contact at all with you in six years?" She carefully says, as if she's trying to piece it together in her mind.

I just nod.

"How do you know he's not dead? Forgive my bluntness but, I need to know these kinds of things." She crosses her arms.

My mouth goes dry. How was I suddenly supposed to tell her I know my wolf is still alive because I can still get pregnant?

I inhale a shaky breath. "Ransom, the guy who was with me last time we talked in person, is my mate." I say carefully. Arina sits up, now very intensely listening.

"Things were rocky between us for a while and it's just starting to get better, kinda, but something happened that shouldn't have so early in our relationship. It's hard to talk about because I don't like thinking about it, I'm still in denial that it happened, but it's how I know." I feel my leg bouncing up and down underneath the table, and I take a few deep breaths to try and calm myself down.

Arina is not a dumb Alpha, and she caught on to what I was trying to implore.

She reaches her arms across the table and takes my hand in both of hers. "This changes a lot, but I'm still willing to have you back with us, even if it's just temporary."

"I'm sorry. I'm such a big bundle of a mess and I'm positive you weren't really expecting this when you found me." I sigh.

She shakes her head. "No, it wasn't. I'm going to be honest with you. But we can still try. We can try to get your wolf back."

"Do you agree to my terms then? That it's not permanent?"

Arina breaks eye contact with me, her looking at something else and staring into space for a few moments.

"Two months, and if you don't get your wolf to connect with you, you can come back to your life here. But you have to make sure to still keep in contact with us. No disappearing completely." She gives me a hard glare.

Arina has always been super headstrong and hardheaded. You don't get in the way of what she deems important, or else there will be hell to pay.

"Ransom gets to come with." I throw in, and she laughs and nods.

"I'm not going to deny your mate coming with if he chooses. It would be in your best interest as well to have him with you."

I bite my lip, and nod.

"So, do we have a deal?" Arina looks at me carefully.

Hesitantly, I reply. "Deal."

"Great! We leave in a week."

———

(How's quarantine for you all?

Hey class of 2020, how you holding up?

^because I'm trying really hard not to cry a lot every night. Things suck and it's just tough to stay positive during this whole thing.

Also shoutout to every healthcare worker and every essential employee still going out and working! My job is the only thing keeping me busy and sane right now, haha :) )