Chapter : 35 - Yaah shayad har waqt yaad aati hai.

It was 7 PM when I returned from college. As I entered the house, I saw Samir approaching me.

"Assalamu Alaikum—"

Ignoring him, I headed straight towards the stairs.

"At least respond to Salam, Bhai," he said from behind.

Without responding, I continued walking towards my room.

The same darkness enveloped the room, the same memories, the same tears, the same flower. Sitting on my bed, I again got engrossed in looking at that rose again.

"Saab, dinner is ready, Bade Saab is calling you," the servant said from outside the room.

"Tell them, I am not hungry," I said.

Without asking anything further, he left without a word.

I didn't feel like eating, and sleep? It seemed to have disappeared. I glanced at the rose, then at my watch; it was midnight, but sleep was far away. Pulling up the blanket, I tried to sleep, but I couldn't close my eyes.

Perhaps I was afraid that if I did, her face would appear before me again, and I didn't want to think about her at this moment. Yet, here I am, still thinking about her.

It's a common thing for people to leave each other in love, but this wasn't a reason for her to leave me. She left me, just for the sake of Allah? If there was any other reason, I could have understood, but this isn't a reason. Did she leave me just because I don't believe in her God?

It's been a whole day since Uns Reza left my life and the country. There was no contact with Sahara, and I didn't want to talk to Samir, but I needed to know with whom, Uns came to the club that day. Samir couldn't do, Sahara didn't know. And... who else could it be?

So many questions were running through my mind, but there were no answers to any of them.

I looked at the clock in my room again; it was four in the morning. It was the time for Tahajjud, and for some reason, she came to my mind again.

My gaze shifted to the corner of my room and that corner took me to her room where she used to pray, and tears would welled up in her eyes when she prays. She used to looked even more beautiful while praying.

Uns Reza phirse yaad aayi thi. Yaah shayad har waqt yaad aati hai.

(Uns Reza came to my mind again. Or maybe she's always on my mind)

As I tried to close my eyes and sleep, I heard Azaan for Fajr prayer echoing from a distance. And once again, sleep eluded me. And for the first time, I was listening to Azaan so intently.

I didn't understand the meaning, but the mention of Allah kept repeating. When Azaan ended, the same questions came to mind again: Who is Allah? What is Allah?

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"Aziz, what's the matter? You're not eating properly, you're not sleeping well. What is wrong with you?" Ammi asked me with great concern when I refused to take rice.

It was dinner time, and the three of us were eating.

"Nothing, Ammi, everything is fine. It's just college work, nothing else," I tried to smile.

"For the past month, it's just been college work?" Ammi asked in a scolding tone.

It had been a month since Uns Reza left my life. One month. It wasn't a lifelong bond with her, just a few months bond, but I used to miss her all the time as if she had been with me for ages.

I didn't say anything in response and silently listened to her. My continued silence made Ammi to stop her scoldings , and then I started eating.

"Do you want some tea?" Ammi asked as she got up after dinner.

"No," I answered slowly.

Every time I see tea, I use to remember her. I was afraid that if I drink tea, I would remember her even more.

As usual, after dinner, or sometimes without eating, I would sit quietly in my room. The lights were always off, and that rose seemed to stuck on my nightstand. I neither wanted to touch that rose nor throw it away. It had found its place, and no servant or Ammi would touch it when they clean the room.

Sometimes I would sleep, sometimes I would stay awake all night. And every day, the same question would come to my mind. The same God would come to my mind.

What's happening to me?

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Today, the final exam was over, six months had passed. As soon as I entered the house, a familiar aroma stopped me in my tracks.

Biryani?

In disbelief, I headed to the dining table where Ammi was serving biryani to Abbu.

"Aziz, come sit down, I'll serve you too," Ammi said as she approached me.

"No, Ammi, I'm not hungry," I tried to refuse.

"Not today, I won't take no for an answer. You've just finished your final exam, we need to celebrate, right?" Ammi said with a smile and began to serve the biryani.

"Should I add the curry?" Ammi asked, holding a bowl of bottle gourd ( kaddu) curry.

"Aziz, should I add the curry?" Uns asked me in the restaurant after serving herself.

"No, I don't like bottle gourd (kaddu) , nor its curry," I  expressed my dislike.

"Why?" she asked with annoyance.

"It's so good for your health," she started praising it.

"It might be good for health, but I don't like it," I stood by my opinion.

"Today you'll like it and eat it too," She said with a smile. And just her smile was enough to make me eat something I really disliked.

When I took a bite of the bottle gourd, she smiled, and seeing her smile, I smiled too. Her smile was enough to make me do things I never thought I would.

"Aziz? Are you lost again?" Ammi brought me back to reality.

"Should I add the curry?" Ammi asked, still holding the bowl.

"Ye-yes, add it," I said.

Zindagi seh toh chale hein gayi ho, zehen seh bhi chale jao Uns?

(You left my life, so please leave my mind too, Uns)

Stop bothering me, let me become something. If I keep remembering you, I won't be able to do anything. I tried to reason with myself while eating the biryani.

College was over, and now it was time to start a new chapter in my life.

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"Aziz, be ready tomorrow, we have to go somewhere," Abbu said during dinner the next day.

"Where?" I asked him while breaking a piece of chapati.

"To the mosque," Abbu said, while drinking water.

"Why?" I asked him instantly.

"We've got Quran's for the mosque, just need to take it there tomorrow," Abbu explained while eating.

"So why do I need to come?" I asked being curios to know.

"I'm donating it in your name. You need to place your hand on the Quran and then give it to Hazrat Moinuddin," Abbu said, concluding the discussion.

"Hand on the Quran?" I murmured.

"You're asking someone to place their hand on the Quran who doesn't even know what Allah is?" I reminded Abbu.

"Then find out about Allah," Abbu said calmly.

"How?" I asked, again being curious.

"By reading the Quran," Abbu said with a smile.

I fell silent at his response. No questions or answers came to mind.

If there was anything on my mind right now, then it was just her. Why don't you leave my mind?

Leaving my meal unfinished, I walked out of the house. I don't know what's happening to me. Since when have I started taking interest in Islam, Allah, and the Quran? These weren't my interests before, so why now?

I drove straight to the race stadium. Six months had passed, but there was a sorrow that refused to fade. I was driving the car at high speed, but why was she still on my mind? She left me, and took my peace with her too.

Aziz Nader? Who was I, who am I now? And what have I become? Clubs, friends, parties, drinks, smoke—that was my life. Then she came along, I fell in love, and we were fine. But she brought Allah between us.

How could she leave me for Allah? Every day, this question haunts me, but I still haven't found an answer. Maybe I never will.

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"Are you ready?" Abbu asked as he entered the room.

"Yes," I said softly, walking towards him.

"Wuzu kiya hai?" he asked, rolling down the sleeves of his robe.

"No," I replied quietly.

"Okay, go ahead and do it. I'll wait downstairs," Abbu said and left the room.

Wearing a formal white shirt and black trousers, I found myself once again standing at the entrance of the mosque. The first time I came was on Eid, and today, after nine months, I was here again.

That day, something happened that led me inside the mosque. It felt like someone was leading me in, and today there was no one to hold my hand. That day, she was the reason I offered Eid prayers, and today she was not here. There was no reason for me to bow in prayer today.

I tried to move forward, but my feet weren't lifting. How could someone like me perform prayers? Abbu had gone inside, but I couldn't follow him. I didn't know what fear was holding me back. Then I thought of going back home.

I couldn't do this. Even if I remember her, I didn't want to know who Allah is, what He is, or what His love means.

I stepped back, ready to leave. Just before I could go, someone’s voice stopped me in my tracks.

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Thank you so much for reading.

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