Chapter : 36 - Haan, uski mohabbat paak hai.

I turned to my right and saw a child in the mosque's veranda, reading something as if memorizing it. Unknown to me, my feet began to move towards him on their own.

As I got closer to him, I suddenly stopped in my tracks. The book he was holding took me back to a distant memory, to a room, to a corner where a prayer mat was laid out with a Quran placed on it. The Quran the boy was holding looked exactly like Uns Quran.

The boy stopped reading and looked at me. He seemed to be around 8 or 9 years old.

"Do you even understand what you are reading?" I asked him with a smile, trying to be soft.

"Yes, I do," the boy said, giving me a small smile and there was a sense of peace in his face.

(Uske chehre mein ek ajeeb sa sukoon tah)

"What does it mean?" I don't know why I asked him that, but there was something in his voice that made me want to hear him.

He closed the Quran, closed his eyes, and then, sitting in front of me, he began to recite the same line again.

"وَإِذَا سَأَلَكَ عِبَادِي عَنِّي فَإِنِّي قَرِيبٌ ۖ أُجِيبُ دَعْوَةَ الدَّاعِ إِذَا دَعَانِ"

(Wa izaa sa alaka ibaadee annnee fa innee qareebun ujeebu da wataddai izaa da'aani falyastajeeboo lee wal yuminoo be la allahum yarsahadun)

He recited a verse from the Quran, then looked at me. I was just staring at him, lost in my own thoughts. He then closed his eyes again and began to explain the meaning of the verse

"Aur jab mere banday aapse meri baare mein puchain to unhein batadein ke main unke qareeb hoon. Jab bhi koi mujhe pukarta hai, main uski pukar sunta hoon aur jawab deta hoon".

(And when My servants ask you concerning Me, indeed I am near. I respond to the invocation of the supplicant when he calls upon Me)

Usne kehna khatam kiya, aur yahan mujhe saans lene mein bhi dikat ho rahi tih. Kya din tah, kya waqt tah, kya jagah tih, konsa baccha tah, konsi kitaab tih, konsa shaqshs khada tah, joh sawal woh saalon seh puchta raha, use uska jawab de diye jaa rahe teh.

(He finished speaking, and I was finding it hard to even breathe. What a day, what a moment, what a place, what a child, what a book, and what a person standing there, The questions he had been asking for years were finally answered)

Why are you crying?" the boy asked.

When I touched my cheek, I realized that tears were falling freely from my eyes. Without saying anything, I began to leave because I knew that if I stayed there even a second longer, I would start crying uncontrollably.

I opened the mosque gate and started walking.

Sadak khali tih, aur ab mai bhi puri tarah seh khali ho chuka tah.

(The road was empty, and i was empty too)

What kind of God is He, it didn't even take him a second to show me my place? To break my pride, to answer my questions in such a way through a small child.

That 9-year-old boy showed me my worth just by explaining the meaning of one line from the Quran.

Allah kon hai?

Parwar digaar hai.

Allah kya hai?

Apne bando seh beshumar mohabbat karne waala aur uske bandon ko sunne waala.

Kya allah ki mohabbat itni paak hai?

Haan, uski mohabbat paak hai.

"Jab bhi koi mujhe pukarta hai, main uski pukar sunta hoon aur jawab deta hoon".

Bas yeh line tih, jisne mujhe meri aukat dikhati.

Uns, neh sahi kaha tah, woh sach me sunta hai, aur usne mujhe bhi suna, mere sawaalon ka jawab bhi deh diya.

("Whenever someone calls upon Me, I listen to their call and answer them."

It was just this line that showed me my place.

Uns was right. He really does listen, and He listened to me too, and answered to all my questions)

As I walked, I fell to my knees, collapsing in sajda (prostration) behind the mosque, while sobbing uncontrollably.

Kya dard tah, joh aansuon ke zariye yuhn nikal raha tah, kya sukoon tah, joh sajda kiye mil raha tah.

(What was this pain being released through my tears? What was this peace I found in prostration)

The same kind of pain I felt months ago, when I saw that woman faint in her prostration, and now, I was feeling the same pain while in prostration myself.

Back then, she was the reason; now, it was my own question.

Why? Why couldn't I understand who Allah is? Why did I never try to know what Allah's love is?

Did Allah want me know it like this, someone who had been asking questions to everyone in the world, received his the answer in a single line from just a small child?

Why did I do all those things, indulging in obscene acts, enjoying the pleasures of intoxication, engaging in sinful deeds? Why did I never feel even a trace of fear of God? Why did I keep committing sins relentlessly? Why? Why?

My voice was broken, but my sorrow, my pain, my guilt were so overwhelming that I couldn't even stand properly. How will I face that God?

Us aurat ka saamanya kaise karunga, kya tih woh? Ek zariya banke aayi, raasta dikha ke chale gai, aur gai bhi toh gai, uski mohabbat mein mujhe giraft kar ke chale gai.

(How will I face that woman, what was she? She came as a mean (zariya), showed me the way, and then left, leaving me ensnared in her love)

She showed me my place by leaving me that day.

And... and... Before I could say anything more, my eyes began to close...

................................ __ ...............................

"Did you like the tea?" I asked her with a smile.

"No," she said, sipping the tea.

"Then why are you drinking it?" I asked, looking at her.

"Tumhare saath aur waqt guzaarne ka samai milta isliye," she said, still looking down at her tea.

(It gives me more time to spend with you)

And at that moment, my heart felt a strange joy. Whether it was her words or her drinking tea just for me, I didn't know what it was, nor I wanted to know. Because this rain, this day, this moment with her felt immensely precious right now.

I don't know what it is about Uns Reza that she never leaves my mind.

"Aziz, Aziz, son, wake up..."

"Aziz!"

I opened my eyes instantly, but the room's light forced me to close them again. A few minutes later, when I opened them again, Ammi was sitting in front of me, placing a cloth on my forehead. Then I noticed the room, where Abbu was coming in with a glass of water in his hand.

"How am I here?" I asked, holding my head. When I sensed a severe headache.

"You were found unconscious behind the mosque," Abbu said, handing me a glass of water.

I took the glass in my hand, closed my eyes, and everything started to flash before my eyes again. The mosque, that little boy, the verse from the Quran, its meaning, the answer to my questions, crying in prostration, and the peace I felt in that prostration - it all started to appear before my eyes. And I felt tears coming to my eyes once more.

Everything seemed to have stopped, as if the world had come to a halt. My regret, my question, my life, all began to feel baseless.

"I want to sleep for a while," I said softly to Ammi.

"Alright, take your medicine and eat the fruits later. We'll talk later," Ammi said, kissing my forehead, then both she and Abbu left the room.

And that's it, I couldn't hold back any longer. A flood of tears began to flow, and I started crying uncontrollably with my both hands covering my head.

"Yaah Allah... Yaah Allah... Yaah Allah..." I cried, calling out to Allah.

"Yaah Allah, Kis aziyat seh nikaal diya tune mujhe.

(Yaah Allah, what a trial You have saved me from)

I am a sinner, someone who never truly believed in You, never asked You questions. But, my Lord, You are merciful. You saved me from such a great torment, and opened my eyes.

"Mujhe maaf karde khuda, mujhe maaf karde, mujhe maaf karde..... .." I kept repeating, and I didn't realize when I fell asleep while invoking His name.

.................................. __ ................................

My eyes opened again to the sound of the alarm. When I checked the time, it was 3:30 in the morning; it was time for Tahajud. I went to the washroom, performed wuzu, and returned to my room. Then taking slow steps I was standing at my parents' room door to get Janimaaz (prayer mat).

The door was slightly ajar, and when I entered, I saw the bed was empty. A quick glance to the other side showed Ammi praying Tahajud, and next to her was another prayer mat, probably kept for Abbu.

I carefully picked up the second prayer mat, glanced at Ammi who was making dua, and I must say, not just Uns, even Ammi looks extremely beautiful while praying.

Holding the prayer mat, I returned to my room and, just like the corner of Uns room, I spread the prayer mat in the corner of my room too.

It is the first Tahajud of my 21 years of life, and I never imagined I would be praying Tahajud today.

When I bowed after reciting the Kalma, tears were flowing down from my cheeks and falling on my foot.

Even after completing the two cycles of prayer and saying the first Salam, the tears didn't stop.

With the second Salam, after the Tazbi, I raised my hands to make dua.

Aziz Nader, Allah ke saamne haath pehlai dua kar raha tah.

I looked at my hands, which were raised today for the first time to ask something from Allah.

"Yaah Allah, Forgive me, please forgive me," I kept asking for forgiveness for my sins, while tears were uncontrollably rolling down my cheeks.

"Forgive me, I am your sinner. Apart from sins, I have done nothing. Look at my fate; it opened the eyes of a sinner like me. You gave me the answer to my questions, gave me another chance.

Mujhe ek aur mouka deh diya gaya. Ek aur mauka, aisi konsi neki, ki tih Maine, jiska sawaab mujhe is tarah mil raha tah. Meri neki yaah kisi ki dua?

I had just placed the Quran down when someone's call started ringing. Who could be calling at 6 in the morning? I wondered as I picked up the phone, and it was Sahara calling. I answered the call, and before I could say anything, Sahara madam began speaking.

"Assalam walikum, Appi. Before you ask why I'm calling at this hour, let me tell you. During the day, you're busy, and at night you're tired. This is the only time when you're at peace, so that's why I called now," she explained.

"Mashallah, Sahara, I have to appreciate you for this," I said, while laughing.

"How are you?" I started the conversation.

"I'm fine, and you?" she asked.

"I'm good," I said as I sat down on the bed.

"Okay," Sahara said.

Then, there was sudden silence on both sides. I waited for her next question, and maybe she was also trying to find one.

"Did you leave India because of Aziz Bhai, Appi?" she asked softly after a while.

"Yes," I answered in a low voice.

"How much will you lie, Appi?" she asked, her voice trembling, but her tone made me feel uneasy.

"How do you...?" Before I could finish, Sahara gave me another shock,

"Diwaaron ke bhi kaan hote hai, Appi, " she said, leaving me in disbelief.

(Walls have ears too, Appi)

"What could I do, Sahara? Abbu gave Ammi such a condition," I said her with my broken voice.

I couldn't handle it now, I was living with the lie for 6 months, not anymore.

The room was in complete darkness, just like my fate. Holding back my tears, I began to explain to her.

"Woh maa hai; chod deti apne shouhar ko baacho ke liye, lekin mai beti hoon unki; kaise apni maa ka ghar ujhad teh hue dekh sakti hoon Sahara?" Maine apni bebasi aur wazahat pesh ki.

("She is a mother; she would leave her husband for her children. But I am her daughter; how could I watch my mother's home fall apart, Sahara?" I explained my helplessness and reasoning).

"So you decided to ruin your own life, Appi?" Sahara asked in a frustrated tone.

"You sacrificed the love of a person like Aziz bhai? Why, appi? Why are you doing this to yourself?" She asked haltingly, through her tears.

"I'm not worthy of anyone's love, Sahara. If I were, I wouldn't be living like an orphan in America despite having a father,"

I've been bearing this pain for the past ten years, and now it was coming out in front of her.

"For the past ten years, I've been longing for his love, and I still do. I couldn't get my Abbu's love, so how could I get anyone else's? And Aziz was just a means to get out of there," I said in a low voice.

"Don't say that, appi, don't say that please," she kept repeating through her sobs.

Yeh kaisi Aazmayish hai teri allah, joh khatam hone ka naam hein nahi leti? Kis aazmayish mein daal diya tune mujhe?

(What kind of trial is this that shows no sign of ending? What kind of torment have you put me through, Allah?)

"Couldn't you have convinced him, appi? If you had tried, bhai would have changed," Sahara asked another question.

"That's why I didn't say anything to him," I replied.

"What do you mean, Appi?" Sahara asked, instantly her voice being confused.

"I don't want him to change for me. If he wants to change, it should be for Allah, and for no one else," I concluded.

"Do you still love bhai, appi?" Sahara asked doubtfully.

"Woh meri duao ka hissa ban chuka hai," I said and ended the call.

Six months have passed, and not a single day has gone by without thinking of him. How can I forget someone whom I've included in my prayers? His name keeps bringing back memories of us every time I try to forget him.

Aziz? If it were a common name, I might have forgotten it. But it's one of my Allah's names. How can I forget a name I recite every day, in Yaseen, among Allah's names, in my prayers, in my mind?

kahan? kahan?seh nikalu use mai?

How do I erase him from everywhere?

What a torment it is, the one I want to love is a good Muslim but not a good person, and the one who loves me is a good person but not a good Muslim.

Ek abbu ki mohabbat, dusri Aziz ki mohabbat, aur meri badnasibi toh dekho, dono ki mohabbat ke laayak nahi hoon.

(One is my father's love, the other is Aziz's love. And look at my misfortune, I'm not worthy of either's love).

❤

................................... __ ................................

I hope you understood the chapter, and if you had any problem in understanding, please tell me your issue.

Thank you so much for reading.

Be safe❤

Chapter Aesthetics :

.................................. __ ...........................

Kya dard tah, joh aansuon ke zariye yuhn nikal raha tah, kya sukoon tah, joh sajda kiye mil raha tah.

Aziz nader Allah ke saamne haath pehlai dua kar raha tah.

It is the first Tahajud of my 21 years of life.

"Woh meri duao ka hissa ban chuka hai"