Chapter : 28 - Kya mai, napaak hoon?

For Hindi / Urdu Readers.

For English Readers.

It's a beautiful morning, but not a beautiful date. This date brings up old wounds and creates new ones. On this day, I lost my Abbu's love, on this day I started having dangerous nightmares, and on this day I lost my Aliyah khala.

This single date changed my whole life.

I don't understand why my Abbu became so distant from me, why I keep having those nightmares, and how my aunt's death on this day could all be a coincidence. Or maybe there's some connection between my nightmares and my aunt's passing----

I snapped out of my thoughts when I got a call. I checked the caller ID to see that it was Shahjahan calling me.

"Haan bako, Nader," I said, answering the call while closing the Yaseen.

(Yes, speak up, Nader)

"Seriously, 'bako,' Uns? Is that how you're going to talk to your Shahjahan?" Aziz teased from the other end, his voice full of drama with a hint of laughter. All this guy ever does is laugh.

"Shahjahan? How did you know about this?" I asked him, wondering how he found out about this.

"Didn't you mention that day, asking Shahjahan need tea now?" Aziz said, reminding me of that beautiful day.

"Who listens so intently?" I asked, being surprised by his sharp hearing sense.

"I do," he replied from the other side, his voice calm. "I listen carefully to everything you say, Uns," Aziz added.

And without realizing it, a tear fell from my eye. Why do his words make me so emotional? Why?

"Nader!" I called out to him.

"Yes, Uns, tell me," he responded softly.

"When do you sleep, Nader? That day you snuck into my room at 4 AM, and today, who calls at 7 AM?" I asked, completely done with his timings.

"What if I asked you the same question, Uns? When do you even sleep? At 4 AM, you were awake, and today at 7 AM, you're still up," Shahjahan shot back in a straightforward manner.

"Oh really? You don't want to answer, huh? You're turning the question back on me?" I replied in his style.

"Okay, okay, sorry. Next time I'll be more careful. I'll call at 7:30 instead of 7, okay?" he said, laughing.

"Wow," I said, not believing him.

"Anyway, what were you doing?" he asked now.

"Just reading Yaseen," I replied, putting the Yaseen into my bag.

"Yaseen? Why?" Aziz asked, his voice being a bit confused.

"Today is Aunt Aliyah's death anniversary. I was reading it to pray for her forgiveness," I said in a soft voice.

"Oh, I see." Aziz replied.

"So, does that mean you're not free all day?" Aziz asked with a hint of doubt.

"I'll be free in the evening," I replied, smiling.

"Okay," Aziz said, but his voice seemed louder, as if he was happy.

"Why are you so happy, Nader?" I asked, smiling.

"Uh... can we meet in the evening?" Aziz asked hesitantly. I was sure he is ruffling his hair now. Whenever he stutters, he ruffles his black hair, making it even messier.

"Kis khushi mein?" I teased him.

(For what occasion?)

"For coffee," he said, laughing a little.

"Aur woh kis khushi mein?" I asked again. There's something about this guy; whenever I talk to him, I can't help but smile.

(And what's the occasion for that?)

"I have a race today. If I win, I want to buy you coffee to celebrate," Aziz said gently.

"Which race?" I asked.

"A car race," he replied.

"And what if you lose?" I asked.

"Whether I win or lose, Uns, it doesn't matter. Agar coffee ke bahana aapki ek choti seh jhalak mil jai, toh aur kya chahiye mujhe," He said.

(As long as I get to see a glimpse you over coffee, that's enough for me)

"Phirse, shuru hogaya tumhara, Nader?" I said sternly.

(You're starting again Nader?)

"What?" he asked.

"Your flirting," I replied.

"I'm not flirting. I just want to see you, Uns, and only you," Aziz said in a low voice.

And my heart just melts every time he speaks.

"I'm hanging up, Nader," I said because I couldn't answer his questions. He always manages to leave me speechless.

"Okay, see you in the evening," he said.

"Suno toh," I said before ending the call.

"Sunaou toh," Aziz replied.

"Jeet ke aana," I said, and then I hung up.

"Appi, where are you going on a Sunday morning?" Sahara asked me from behind as I was stepping out of the mansion.

"I'm just going to buy a Quran," I said, turning toward Sahara.

"Why are you buying a Quran?" Sahara asked, being confused.

"It's Aunt Aliyah's death anniversary, so I'm going to donate Quran to the mosque in her name," I said, grabbing my phone from my bag.

"For Aunt's death anniversary? Abbu won't allow that," Sahara said, coming closer.

"Abbu won't allow it? What does that even mean, Sahara?" I asked, now being confused.

"I don't know, Appi, because Abbu even told Ammi not to give anything in Aunt Aliyah's name," Sahara said.

"What?" I asked, still confused by her statement. What's Abbu's problem with the late Aunt Now? Why is he doing this?

"Don't go, Appi. Abbu won't like it," Sahara said again.

"Where is Abbu?" I asked, interrupting her.

"He's sleeping" she replied.

"And Ammi?" I asked.

"She's asleep too," Sahara said in a soft voice.

"I know Abbu won't ask about me, and even if by chance he does, just tell him I went to donate a Quran in Aunt's name," I said in a cold tone.

"But, Appi-"

"Allah Hafiz, Sahara," I said, cutting her off before she could finish, and walked out of the mansion.

Oh Allah, what is happening here? Abbu's hatred toward Aunt Aliyah, then sending me to America, distancing himself from me, and me having that same nightmare for years-all this... It can't be a coincidence. There must be something I'm missing, or maybe I know it but can't remember.

"Iqbal, take this Quran and give it to the Moulvi Sahib," I said to my driver, handing him the Quran outside the mosque.

"Yes, baaji," he replied, taking it and heading inside.

A little later, Iqbal came out of the mosque, where I was standing beside my car.

"Here are the car keys, Iqbal. You go back to the mansion, I'll be back in a while," I said, handing him the keys, and then I started walking down the empty street.

Buying the Quran from the market, reaching the mosque, and donating the Quran took about 4 hours. It was 2 PM, and the sun was blazing, but I didn't even feel the heat. I kept walking, with only one question in my mind: what's my fault? Why do I have nightmares? Why doesn't Abbu love me? Why? Why?

I got to the mansion at around 5 PM. The whole house was eerily quiet. As I stepped in, I saw Ammi, Abbu, and Sahara sitting on the couch in the living room, enveloped in silence. No one was talking to each other.

When I entered, Sahara noticed me and stood up. Ammi also saw me and got up from her seat. Abbu saw me too, but his face was expressionless; nothing was visible in his face right now, whereas there was a strange fear on the faces of Ammi and Sahara.

I greeted them, but no one responded.

"What happened?" I asked Ammi as I walked towards her.

"Do you know what time it is? What time are you getting home?" Abbu asked in a cold voice.

I looked at him, but he wasn't looking at me; he was staring at the table.

"Where did you go?" Abbu asked, still staring at the table.

"I went to distribute Qurans in Aunt's name," I replied, looking down.

"So, you're giving something as pure as the Quran in the name of that impure woman?" Abbu said, now looking at me. His face was expressionless, but his voice was cold like ice. Abbu had never spoken to me with such hatred before. What happened to him today?

"Impure woman?" I murmured quietly.

"Hassan, stop it!" Ammi said sharply to Abbu.

"And Uns, go to your room," Ammi said, turning toward me.

But how could I leave after hearing such words about my aunt? The same aunt whom Dad used to love so much, and now he's using such baseless words for her?

I didn't move from my spot, my eyes fixed on Abbu, while Abbu's gaze had turned to Ammi.

"What did Aunt do that made you hate her so much, Abbu?" I couldn't help but ask.

"It wasn't your aunt, it was her lover. He tried to rape you," Abbu said.

My legs almost gave out. "He... tried... to... ra... rape..." My knees buckled, and I fell on the ground. What was I hearing? My.... Ra.. Rape.

"Sahara! Bring water for Uns!" Ammi shouted as she came toward me.

"Appi, here's water," Sahara brought a glass to me.

"Was I being raped Ammi?" I asked, but my voice was broken. I never even imagined such a thing.

"N-no, Uns. He didn't succeed, he just tried. But your aunt saved you from that monster," Ammi said, holding me as I wept on the floor.

"Am- Ammi, what can I say? Why? Why did this happen to me?" I sobbed, unable to handle myself anymore.

"Why?" I kept asking, crying.

"That woman was impure, and you're impure too, Uns," Abbu said as he walked away.

"Impure? Am I impure, Ammi? Tell me, please! Yaah Allah, yaah Allah, I'm impure, Your Uns is impure, Allah," I cried out to Allah, expressing my sense of impurity.

"Uns, Uns, come to your senses, you're not impure, he didn't even touch you," Ammi said, trying to calm me down and holding me in her arms.

"Ammi, have you seen this? This mark?" I asked, rolling up my sleeves to show my wrists to her.

"I told you, someone tied my hands with a rope, breaking my bangles and causing them to bleed. And there was no one to help me; that man grabbed my wrists. Yaah Allah, what has happened to me?" Tears were streaming down my face.

"Appi, pull yourself together. You are a very pure woman. Let people say whatever they want, but the truth is known to Allah, and only He knows how pure his Uns is," Sahara said, wiping away my tears.

"If it were the world saying it, it would be one thing, Sahara, but it was my Abbu who said it. The man, whom I trusted more than anyone except Allah, spoke about my character like this. If Abbu had said it, then I... I am impure, Sahara."

"Shut up, Uns, don't you ever talk like this. Sahara, take her to her room; I'll bring something for her to eat," Ammi

said as she got up.

"Margai hai, bhook meri," I said coldly, my face was expressionless. There were no more tears in my eyes now.

(My hunger is died)

Before Sahara could take my hand, I walked straight to my room and locked the door. As soon as I entered, all my strength drained away. Everything... Am I an impure woman, Allah?

Was this the truth behind my horrible nightmares? Did Aunt give her life to save me? Was I the reason Abbu started hating Aunt?

Why? Why, Allah, why? Why am I so helpless? Why am I a woman? Why am I even alive? I should die. A girl like me isn't worth living.

I got up from my knees, wiped my tears from my sleeves, and headed to my nightstand drawer to look for a scissor. But before I could take it, I saw those Lego daisies which were given by him.

Aziz! Just as I pulled the drawer, I remembered him-the person I loved.

My hands stopped; I couldn't even open the drawer because Aziz's face flashed in my mind.

I've lost everything-my aunt, my Abbu, my dignity, everything. But there's just one thing I have left with me now-the love of this person.

Aziz! Yes, I... I need to call him; I need his voice... I need him...

I called him, but... He wasn't picking up.

Pick up the phone, Nader; I need you... I need you right now...

One missed call, two, three, five, ten, eleven, twelve-he didn't answer. Just as I was about to dial his number again, I remembered he had a race today; he was so happy when he talked about it. I... I can't ruin his life just for the need to see him right in front of my eyes.

No... no... I can't, I can't ruin him.

For Hindi / Urdu Readers.

For English Readers.

................................. ❤ ..................................

Thank you for being patient with me.

I'd love to know your thoughts on this chapter.

Chapter Aesthetics :

Uski aankhen, kisi dariya ke jaisi hai.

Woh sharmaate hue aur bhi khubsurat laghta hai.

Suno, jeet ke aana!

Mohabbat kar bhaiti hoon Aziz Nader seh.

Vajud kya hai mera?

Tere bande ko aaj tujhse ek gila hai, Allah.

Mat leh, itni aazmayishe!