Thirty-Two Fish

"I'll explain everything to you later," Yuel told Edin, pushing him in the direction of the apartment building.

"But, Yuel..."

"Please, Edin."

"...Alright," Edin said, seeing Yuel's eyes starting to fill with tears. He wished he could stay and comfort him. But he knew the best thing he could do for Yuel right now was to trust him and go home.

Before turning around to face Kyungwon, Yuel closed his eyes for a second to clear away his tears. Despite the overflow of emotions he was feeling right now after letting out his biggest secret, he had to stay strong and finally tell Kyungwon all the things he had been keeping for the past four years.

"We should talk, Hyung."

"Sure," Kyungwon said slowly, still trying to process what he had just heard.

"Why don't we go talk in my car?"

Yuel and Kyungwon got into the front seats of the car. Yuel noticed that Sori was fast asleep in the back seat. She would surely be excited to see her big brother again for the first time in weeks, but it would be best not to wake her up just yet.

Quietly, Yuel began, "I have a lot of explaining to do."

Matching his volume, Kyungwon replied, "Um, yeah..."

"So, you were my first crush, Hyung."

The words came out a lot easier than Yuel expected. Perhaps it was because he had already said them once before. But then, Yuel realized the word choice he had just made. Were. You were my first crush.

Subconsciously, Yuel had known that these feelings were in the past now. They no longer had a hold on his heart. His first crush was truly over.

"Since when?" Kyungwon asked.

"Since four years ago. Maybe even from the moment I first met you."

"What?"

Kyungwon thought back on all the years he had spent with Yuel. Starting with this moment in the car, the memories unraveled one by one until he arrived on the day when Yuel's mom had first introduced the two of them at her house. At that point in time, he had already been so in love with Dayeon and known he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. And yet, Yuel...

"You liked me since then?"

Yuel nodded, also recalling the years that had led to this moment, though his memories went a little bit further than Kyungwon's. He smiled to himself, more specifically to the version of himself that had fallen so hard for this man to his left. For the first time, he embraced that version instead of shunning it.

"I mean, how couldn't I?" Yuel said. "Just look at you."

Kyungwon felt a little embarrassed to be complimented on his appearance, especially since it was coming from the boy who had been crushing on him for years.

"Not to mention, you've been nothing but nice to me from day one. You were... the family that my mom and dad never gave me."

"Yuel..."

This was what Kyungwon had always wanted, for Yuel to consider him family. That was why he had made the effort to constantly be there for him and to create a welcoming home that his busy parents couldn't offer. He should have been happy to hear this. And yet, the pain in Yuel's voice as he said family made him feel the opposite. While Kyungwon had never been in such a position before, he could at least imagine how complicated it must have been to call the person you had a crush on your family. He now understood exactly why Yuel had wanted to go live with his dad. So it really was his fault.

"I'm so sorry, Yuel."

"No, you have nothing to apologize for, Hyung."

"Yes, I do. You said I'd been nothing but nice to you from day one. But the truth is, it had always been because you were Dayeon's son. I wanted you to accept me as your family. But now, I know that my kindness had only wound up making things more difficult for you. And for that, I'm really sorry."

"It's not like you were aware of how I felt about you, though. I liked you on my own, and I was going to keep it that way. I never planned on telling you because I knew how hopeless it was anyway, having a crush on another guy..."

"Yuel, there's nothing wrong with liking another guy," Kyungwon quickly reassured.

"I know, Hyung," Yuel said with great relief. Considering Kyungwon's kind nature, Yuel figured he would be accepting of his sexuality. But it still felt good to hear it out loud. He smiled, this time at his current self. "I know that now. Edin has taught me that."

"Edin... That boy from earlier, right?"

"Yeah."

"Then, are you two..."

"He liked me first, back when I still liked you. So, I kept pushing him away, thinking I would never be able to move on from you. But now..." Yuel looked at Kyungwon, ready to admit what he had once never deemed possible for himself. "I'm happy. He makes me happy."

Kyungwon felt every ounce of the sincerity in Yuel's voice. On one hand, it hurt to realize that he had never made Yuel happy and that he couldn't ever make him happy the way he wanted since his heart belonged to someone else. But on the other hand, how could he not be glad to hear that Yuel was doing fine now? He was fine without him.

"Gosh, now I really feel bad about giving Edin the wrong idea about me," Kyungwon said apologetically.

"I'll talk to him. Don't worry, Hyung."

"Thanks. I won't contact you so much anymore, Yuel. Actually, I won't contact you at all if it makes you uncomfortable."

Yuel wasn't expecting Kyungwon to offer this first, but he appreciated just how understanding he was about all this. "I think it would be good not to talk for a while. Although I am moving past these feelings I had for you, I don't want to create any room for second thoughts. That would be best for all of us. You, me, and Edin."

"Right, of course. I'll wait for you to reach out to me again first. I'll talk things out with Sori as well."

Yuel looked back at the sleeping little girl. "I don't mind keeping in touch with Sori. She can still call me and maybe even come over sometime."

"Are you sure? You don't have to..."

"Hyung, she may be the daughter of my first crush," Yuel said with such ease now, "but she's also my little sister."

"Thanks, Yuel. And..." Kyungwon paused, contemplating whether to make his next sentence another thank you or apology. Seeing how at peace Yuel sounded talking about Edin, he decided to end things on a brighter note. "Thank you for ever liking a guy like me."

"Hyung—"

"Yuel Oppa...?" Sori groaned, waking up from her nap. When it fully hit her who was in the car, her eyes widened with delight. "Yuel Oppa!"

"Hi, Sori," Yuel said, smiling. He took the little girl's hand that could only reach out so far with her being strapped to the booster seat.

"I missed you, Oppa."

"I missed you too, Sori."

Squeezing her big brother's hand, Sori asked, "Are you not mad now?"

"Why would I be mad?"

"You weren't talking to me or Daddy..."

"I'm sorry," Yuel said, feeling bad that Sori had to be caught up in the mess of his first crush. But that wouldn't be the case anymore. "I'll make sure to talk to you from now on."

"Really? You promise?"

Yuel took Sori's hand and raised her pinkie to lock it with his own. "Yeah, I promise."

"Sori," Kyungwon said. "Yuel Oppa needs to go home now. You should say your goodbye."

"Already?" Sori pouted.

"It's getting late. You need to go home, too," Yuel said. "Why don't you call me tomorrow, then?"

"Can I call you as soon as I wake up?"

"Of course." Letting go of his sister's hand, Yuel turned back around to see Kyungwon. "I'll be going now, Hyung."

"Take care, Yuel."

"Goodbye, Yuel Oppa."

"Goodbye."

Yuel left the car, feeling like he was leaving behind a huge chapter of his life. But it didn't feel nearly as sad as he expected because he was excited for the new chapter to come. As he approached his apartment building, he counted up to the twentieth floor. Edin must have been home by now.

Thinking about him, Yuel was reminded of the response he couldn't give Kyungwon earlier because Sori woke up.

"Hyung, it was my pleasure."

As painful as his first crush was, Yuel wouldn't take it back for the world. After all, it was what had made him discover that he was into guys—that he was capable of loving a special boy named Edin. And that made it all worth it in the end.

Although Yuel did say he'd think about whether to invite Edin over tomorrow, there would be a change of plans. A major change of plans.

Yuel called Edin.

"Yuel!" Edin answered immediately as if he had been waiting.

"Hey," Yuel said, smiling up at the lit-up window of the twentieth-floor apartment. "Do you want to come over right now?"