thirty seven

by the time my shift rolls around the next day, ive made myself so sick with worry.

billie has some lessons today and im not sure whether I want to see her today or not.

im trying hard not to hide away and avoid all my problems and hesitate when I see her dodge in the parking lot.

when I see her talking with kai my whole body tenses.

I feel like im in physical pain.

kai glances at me and greets me and billie just walks away, not looking at me or kai.

this is awkward.

I can't do this.

ive had no sleep and im pretty sure im running a fever.

I can't stop shivering, my nose is running and my eyeballs hurt.

but i have to know what's going on with billie.

"wait!" I run and grab billies arm before she runs upstairs. "this isn't fair. I stayed up all night worrying. you need to tell me what's going on"

"can we not do this here?" billie looks around and I know finneas and kai are probably watching us but I don't care.

"where then? I texted, I called and nothing. how can I fix this when I don't know what's wrong?"

"I needed to think" billie looks at me in the eyes for the first time and she looks as bad as I feel.

she looks exhausted. "maybe you need to do some thinking too"

"think about what?" im so confused.

"look I just need some space, okay?"

"billie" someone drops something from behind me and I turn around, billie takes her chance to break free and run upstairs.

I watch her slam the door shut and sneeze again, reaching into my pocket for a tissue.

im a mess.

"absolutely not sage, you're sick. go home"

"im fine!"

"go home, call in tomorrow and let me know how you are"

no matter how hard I protest to finneas he won't let me argue.

im miserable and feverish and when no-one is home when I make it back so I crawl into bed.

I wake up a couple of hours later and my entire body aches and I cannot stay warm.

I call my grandma after I take my temperature and it's sky high.

she rushes home from wherever she came from and her drives me to the doctors who prescribes me a bunch of cold medicine.

on the second day of my illness, harry changes the sheets on my bed because ive sweared through them all.

my grandma spoon feeds me soup in bed and plays with my hair while im in and out of sleep.

she tires to get me out of bed but I stay in my bed, even after my fever is broken.

I watch a bunch of old movies and when I hear a song pirate introduced me too, it makes me feel so much worse than I already do.

kai has checked up on me by FaceTiming and texting to me a bunch of times.

finneas has been really understanding and apparently billie has been picking up extra shifts to help around.

but kai never breathes a word of her and I don't ask.

I don't think I can stomach hearing about her.

I haven't tried to contact her because she said she wanted space.

space?

summer is almost over and ill be going home and I won't be coming back.

fuck college, I hate LA.

my phone buzzes mid afternoon and I hit pause on bambi.

I squint when I see pirate on my screen.

no way.

pirate: hey blossom, you there?

pirate: long time no talk

blossom: hey im here

blossom: sick as a booty in bed

blossom: I was just think about you so im surprised you messaged me

pirate: you were? why?

pirate: sorry you're sick

blossom: im watching bambi

pirate: woah you're watching that?

blossom: yes

blossom: and yes, im crying

pirate: anyway...anything new happening? we haven't talked in a long time

pirate: ive missed you

I pause, unsure what to type. I would be weird to say I missed you too, because I feel like im betraying billie.

blossom: do you have all day?

pirate: yes. im listening.

im not sure whether im high on medication or this sickness has destroyed brain cells but I send the most honest message about my current life ive ever sent to pirate.

blossom: okay, im sort of seeing someone, I think? we kinda broke up, im not sure. she won't talk to me

blossom: and I never told you because I used to think that there was something between us, and maybe there was, but this thing with this girl just kinda...happened.

blossom: I probably sound like an asshole, especially if you never thought about me in that way

blossom: but im trying to be more honest and wanted you to know

pirate: wow

blossom: im sorry

pirate: no, im glad you said it.

pirate: you have no idea how relieved I am to hear you get things out in the open actually

blossom: really?

pirate: really.

pirate: so tell me, what's she like?

blossom: kind of an ass

blossom: cocky, super opinionated and very argumentative

pirate: and you like her..why exactly?

pirate: she does sound like an ASS

blossom: she's sweet, smart and makes me laugh.

blossom: it's the way she makes me feel

pirate: how does she makes you feel?

blossom: she makes me feel wanted

pirate: and this girl..does she make me laugh like I do?

blossom: no-one makes me laugh like you do

pirate: that's all ive ever wanted

blossom: I miss you too

blossom: I miss listening to music with you and im sorry everything changed. I didn't know things were going to turn out like this

blossom: but I hope we can still be friends because my life was better with you

pirate: I hope we can still be friends too

✪pirate is offline!

when I put my phone back down on my bed, my tears turn into full blown sobbing.

im not sure why, but I feel like ive just lost pirate too.

what have a done?

ive lost the two most important people in my life because I can't be honest with myself or the people I love.

when I calm myself down and wipe my snotty nose, there's a knock on my bedroom door.

when harry appears with a jug of ice cold water, I let him inside. "hey sagey baby, have you been crying? what's wrong?"

"I was watching bambi" I give him a sad smile and scoot over so he can sit on the edge of the bed.

"you have a visitor, you feeling up for it?" harry gives me a look but I have no idea what it means.

I sit up straighter and think for a moment.

I can't be kai because they're at work.

"I guess"

the door opens and someone walks inside the room.

billie.