chapter 6 - was once mine

A/N: This chapter is also in Veronica's POV in Chasing Red :)

Cameron

The bell on the door jingled cheerfully as I stepped inside the crowded restaurant. Too cheerfully, I thought, as I took off my sunglasses and scowled at the colourful patterns on the carpet, the bright yellow tablecloths, the walls that looked like a rainbow puked on it.

It wouldn't be so bad if a headache wasn't digging a pit in the middle of my brain. I pinched the bridge of my nose, hoping to relieve it. It was too early for all this—

"Cameron! Hi, hey! Hi Cam!"

I spotted her right away. She was sitting in one of the booths inside the restaurant. Half of her hair was dyed a cotton candy blue and the other a Pepto-Bismol pink. Her sunglasses were transparent green and heart-shaped, sitting halfway down her eyes so that I could see the sparkly silver on her eyelids.

Maybe she owned the place.

"Hey, Dora. How are you?"

Her smile was radiant and reached her ears as I took the seat in front of her. A few days ago, she'd called and asked if we could meet, that she had something to tell me. My immediate reaction was to decline, but I owed her.

"I'm amazing as I'd ever be! And you?"

"Good."

"Well, you look gorgeous! Thanks for meeting me. Can I get you anything? A house? Homemade chocolate cupcakes? The whole world?"

Her mood was infectious. It was impossible not to return her smile. "Coffee's fine."

She laughed, eyes brimming with lively optimism when a server approached our booth.

"Hi there. My name's Kaito. It's a beautiful day, isn't it? Can I start you off with drinks?"

After we placed our order and the server left, Dora bounced on her seat, looking at me expectantly.

"Tell me how you're doing, Cam! How's The Yard? Everyone doing okay? I tried to get in touch with you right after... what happened, but you changed your number. I actually got your new one from Caleb, but we didn't get to chat much. How is Caleb?"

"He texted me the other day about cooking crabs. Said he was traumatized."

She giggled. "Oh, Caleb." Her voice softened. "He can be crazy sometimes, am I right? I wonder what that was about."

"You guys dated."

"Oh, no." She blushed. "I wish. I don't think I'm Caleb's type. We just went out that one time."

Just then the server came with our orders. When he left, Dora continued as though there was no interruption.

"I found out my boyfriend at the time was cheating on me with my cousin. Then he broke up with me via text. Caleb found me crying in my car at The Yard after work. I'm aware he's a notorious player, but I found out that day he can't turn away from people in pain."

She reached for her iced tea, drew a heart against the condensation on the glass.

"Caleb barely knew me, but he asked if I wanted to get coffee and listened to me while I cried my heart out. I'm sure his ears started bleeding after five minutes of it. He was a total gentleman. A sweetheart." She paused for effect. "And so are you."

I shot her a dry look. "Really."

She giggled. "Okay, okay. You're more the dark and dangerous, broody type. But that doesn't mean you're not a nice guy."

I wasn't, but I didn't have the energy to argue with her. She looked like the type of person who looked at everything and everyone in a positive light. Why be the one to destroy it? The world was cruel enough that someday someone would.

"I'm sorry I called out of the blue. Thanks for meeting me." She stared at me for a beat, then started worrying her lip.

"You said you wanted to tell me something in person," I encouraged.

She blinked rapidly, then nodded three times. "I heard you're back in town. Um. This is really awkward. I don't want to bring up what happened back then, but... Um."

"Tell me."

Whatever she saw on my face must've assured her because she continued, "I know it's been a hot minute since it happened. I wanted to see you in person because I never got to thank you properly. I'd like to offer my endless gratitude for what you did for me and my mom. If you need anything, anything at all, I'm here for you."

I already knew she was going to bring it up. Still, it didn't stop the hollow feeling in my stomach before cold dread started to fill it, snaking down my limbs at the reminder of the events that I tried so hard to put behind me.

"You don't owe me anything, Dora."

Because I didn't do it for her. I did it for Kara.

"Thank you for telling me about Andrew. My mom and I had no idea he was married. I promise you! He is an asshole. To be honest, it is an insult to assholes to call him an asshole. I met with Andrew's wife, Charity, and told her everything. I heard they're divorced now and she's moved to Calgary. I felt so bad for her, but she had to know."

If Charity moved out, who was helping Kara at her family's auto shop?

It made it harder to stay away if I heard anything associated with her, so I didn't try to find out what happened after I left. No matter how much I wanted to. And for the sake of her dad, I left his brother, Andrew, alone. No matter how much it killed me not to make the bastard pay. After all, I was the one who blackmailed him.

When Andrew informed Kara he was selling his shares of her family's auto shop to a stranger, the shock and anguish in her eyes made me want to pound his face into a pulp. Instead, I followed Andrew, found out he was having an affair.

In exchange for not telling his wife, I told him I needed him to sell his shares to Kara. And when Kara had them, I phoned Dora and told her that her mother was having an affair with a married man.

Technically, I kept my end of the bargain: I didn't tell Andrew's wife.

Andrew retaliated by cutting the brake lines of my truck. He had no idea that Kara was driving my truck that day. I very nearly killed him after what the consequences of his actions did to Kara and her brother, Dylan.

I only found out about the accident when Kara told me about it and figured out that it was my own blood who started it all. Everything circled back to me one way or another. I closed my eyes, misery pulling at me.

Just then the bells on the door jingled, and I heard the creak of the door as it was pushed open. A few seconds later, the scent of peaches drifted toward me. My eyes snapped open.

Dora was saying something, but I heard nothing as my heart pounded against my chest, as I turned my head to watch Kara walk past me. She was wearing a long, green dress, and her hair, shorter now, kissed her bare shoulders.

Oblivious as always to everything around her when she was on a mission, she didn't notice me as she took a seat near the window, three tables away from mine. She was with another girl, probably a friend, who sat in front of her.

Sunshine poured through the window and gently touched the side of her face. She tucked her hair behind her ear, lips curving into a smile as she listened to her friend. She looked unbelievably beautiful. I looked down at the table, balled my hand into a fist and bit my knuckle.

I'm so fucked.

"Cameron?" Dora shook her phone beside her head. "I just need to take this call. It's mighty important. All right with you?"

I nodded.

"I'm really sorry, Cam! I'll be back. Don't go anywhere."

Alone, I could stare at Kara without prying eyes. It was still a shock in my system every time she was in front of me. I'd dreamt of her for so long, vowed that I would never see her again. It was hard to tell if the Kara in front of me was a dream or reality.

I had hoped to see her here—it was a new vegetarian restaurant and a walking distance to her auto shop, after all— but never thought it would happen. Just like that time I saw her at the bridge party.

That night on the trail.

She had someone with her. I saw them pull up at the parking lot, saw them flirting, saw him touching her. I wanted to rip his hand clean off his wrist. I did nothing at that damn party but watch her. The guys knew why I was there and left me alone.

I kept an eye on her as she went with her friends but met up with him again later at the bonfire. When I saw him put his jacket on her, I wanted to hurl something. Every look, every smile, every laugh she'd given him ripped something inside me. Those were supposed to be mine.

But I gave that up, so I made myself watch. And suffered. But then she walked off from him.

I shouldn't have followed her. I promised myself not to. But it was late and a lot of the guys were drunk and getting rowdy, and she should have known better not to run away to a deserted trail where who the fuck knows she might encounter. I wasn't going to let anything happen to her.

But there was another reason why you followed her, wasn't there?

I was going out of my mind that she had sneaked away from the party to be with him. That he'd follow her there and they would...

Fuck, I thought, swiping my mouth with my palm. I couldn't bear it.

What the hell is wrong with me? I was the one who left her, but I was the one who couldn't give her up.

What are you going to do, motherfucker? Can't leave her and expect her not to be with anyone else. Who do you think you are?

I had to take off that guy's jacket from her. It didn't even have a hoodie. And she hated getting her hair wet. The only reason why I left her with him was because I knew who he was.

"Sorry about that, Cam!"

Dora came back. And true to her style, she continued the conversation as if nothing happened in between. How could she even remember what we were talking about?

"If it were me in Charity's shoes, I'd want to know if my husband was cheating on me, you know? I had to tell her."

"You did the right thing," I said.

"Thanks! That means a lot, you know."

Just then, Kara threw back her head and laughed.

"You're smiling, Cam."

"What?"

Dora smiled up at me, flicking her lashes down to her lap then back up at me. "You really are gorgeous. I think everyone knows that, but I mean... I hope you don't mind me asking, but are you going out with anyone?"

My gaze slid back to Kara. Her right arm was flat on the table while her left hand was cupping the nape of her neck, fingers occasionally moving to touch her earring. Her eyes narrowed slightly. I knew enough about her mannerisms to know that she was absorbed by whatever they were talking about. She was in the middle of explaining something when her eyes lifted and met mine. They widened with shock before shifting back to her friend.

I wished I was closer so I could see the emotions in them. But I knew the good mood and the comfortable atmosphere around her had disappeared. Her back was now stiff straight, her eyes turned into slits. And her mouth, painted a pink rose, moved a mile a minute, spouting off incantations and curses at me, probably.

Her friend turned around to look at me and I glanced at her briefly, before turning my eyes back to Kara. Kara was glaring at her friend now. I fought off a smile, failed.

"Oh! It's not for me, Cam," Dora said. The horror in her voice made me turn back to her. What was she saying? "I meant to say, you're not for me, although if you want to be, of course, I... Darn it. I mean, if you want to date, I have a gorgeous friend who is available—"

"No." The look of surprise on her face made me soften my voice. "Thanks, but I'm not available."

Her mouth formed into an O. "But I thought... Okay, then. I'm sorry. Is she okay that you're meeting me? I don't want to cause trouble. Congratulations! She really is lucky. If only my mom could find someone like you. So loyal. She was inconsolable after she found out that Andrew was a cheating scumbag. She really fell in love with him. God knows why. It's not healthy to love someone toxic, right? And you know what else?"

She leaned close to the table across from me, covering her mouth as if to whisper something. I stayed where I was. "He has problems down there. I know, I know. It could happen to any guy. I'm not making fun of him, but—"

I reached for my glass, took a sip, trying to focus on what Dora was telling me. There were too many words, too much sound, and my head was pounding.

"Hello, Cameron." I looked up to find Kara standing beside my table, bristling with feistiness and a vengeful look in her eyes. "How are the drugs working, honey?"

I choked on my drink.

"Drugs?" Dora repeated, her voice filled with confusion.

I blanked. I didn't expect her to come to me. She'd been avoiding doing that every time she saw me. I should have known better. This was Kara, after all.

I watched Kara turn to Dora, her lashes fluttering, her lips moving, and I heard her uttering words like he ­needs drugs to get it up. Soft ride for you. And with a sassy flick of her fingers, she headed out.

A warning sound rang in my head. "Goddamnit, Kara!"

I raced after her. I was playing with fire every time she was near. I hadn't figured out if she was the one in danger. Or me.

I knew I should leave her alone, but I was a self-absorbed prick. Desperately wishing for her to give me attention. Anything, but her dismissal.

Every time she dismissed me, looked at me like I was the biggest mistake of her life, it felt like losing her all over again. And I lose my mind a little bit more.

This time it was different. Because she was the one who came to me. I could tell she was over it—the game we were playing since I stepped on her porch that night. The times when we both walked on eggshells around each other, the things left unsaid. It was different because this time she wasn't waving a white flag anymore.

It was go-to-war red.

It was sick, but I felt... excited. And I knew if I pushed her just a little, she'd give me more.

"You still want me, don't you?"

My voice was loud enough for her to hear. She stopped dead in her tracks. I could see her shoulders moving up and down in tune with her fast breathing. Slowly, she turned around.

There was a fake smile on her mouth. "What are you doing here? I thought your kind can't come out into the light."

I ignored that. "You're wearing your glasses today."

"No shit, Sherlock."

I sent her a smile. "Truce over, Spitfire?"

She closed her eyes for a moment, and I could tell she was trying to find calm. But I didn't want her calm. Something was building inside me, and I was scared because I felt like I... wanted to unleash it.

"Look, genius. Since I'm not planning any therapy sessions with you today or ever—"

I reached for her glasses and carefully pulled them off her face.

"What the hell!" She snatched them away from me. "What the hell is wrong with you and pulling things off me?"

"You know I prefer you without... anything."

Her eyes filled with fire.

"You know I prefer you nowhere near me. In fact, why don't you fly to Never Never Land and never come back?"

"Why? Am I affecting you that much?"

"Give me back Trip's jacket."

"I threw it away."

"What's wrong with you?"

"Are you sleeping with him?"

"How dare you ask me that when you're with that colorful rainbow in there!"

"She's just a friend. Why were you wearing that guy's jacket?"

"What's it to you?"

I swiped my palm on my mouth.

"Maybe I'm sleeping with him," she said flatly.

"Really."

"Really!"

"Why are you looking at me that way, then?" I challenged.

"Like what?"

"You gonna punch me, Kara, or—"

"I'm not looking at you like anything because—"

"—fuck me?"

"—you mean nothing to me."

Her eyes turned cold, uncaring. Dismissive. Here it was again.

You mean nothing to me.

Those words, that guy's jacket –was she really sleeping with him? And the reminder of what happened with her uncle, with her accident in my truck, with my mother, why I had to give her up, why I had to hurt her, filled me with overwhelming anger and rebellion at the world.

Anger toward myself, toward her? No, never toward her, never toward Kara. But it trickled like poison in my veins, turning me into this thing that stopped thinking.

All the longing, the frustrations, the helpless anger I kept inside me from our situation... I could still see she felt for me—hatred, love, those were not the same things. Not at all. Not for me. I knew exactly what her love and her hate felt like. And I didn't want her to hate me anymore. And the fact that she hated me now... maybe I was exhausted seeing the hatred in her eyes, the question in them that was always there, Why did you hurt me? Why did you do that to me?

I was breaking down. The conviction I had before, when I decided to leave her for her safety was crumbling beneath my need to be around her again. To hear her even just for a second, just right now, fucking please, to say my name. Just one more time before I go back to the hell I imprisoned myself in.

And then maybe that would be enough to stay away from her. But standing in front of her made me greedier. I wanted more. It should have scared me. I was in danger every time she was close, but so was she. And I'd rather harm myself than bring it to her. But I couldn't think now...

Miserable as hell and twice as fucked up, I did the only thing I could think of. What I'd been dreaming of, what had been chasing me awake and in my dreams. Her taste. I felt that if I didn't, I'd go up in flames. Like a man who'd been hiking his way up an endless mountain, with no shelter in sight, dying of thirst, here was my water. My oasis. My shelter. I'd die if I didn't.

Grabbing her to me, I kissed her. It shocked her so that she was motionless for a beat. I held her to me, my fingers pressed to the low of her back, fighting myself not to move, not to claim, not to take without giving nothing in return.

Her fists slapped against my chest, then fisted against my shirt, her lips growing soft and pliant under mine. It staggered me, stunned me. The taste of her, was what I'd been wishing and dreaming of for so long that my knees buckled and my heart beat painfully against my chest.

There was an ache inside me—it was hope. Maybe she'd missed me too.

A second later, my world collapsed from the pain between my legs. I doubled over, until I was on the ground, cupping myself, feeling like I was going to shit my pants and puke at the same time. Nothing mattered but that pain in my balls where she'd kicked me.

A memory from before slapped me in the face.

"I think I'd want to practice my punch so it would hurt a lot when I give it to him."

"I'll teach you," I offered.

"Okay."

"If all else fails," I said, smiling at the eagerness in her eyes, "a kick in the nuts will bring any man down."

"What does it feel like?"

"Like you're going to puke and shit at the same time. It's the perfect attack."

"I'll definitely remember that."

From the ground where I was in a fetal position, I looked up at Kara.

"Don't you ever, ever touch me again with those filthy phalanges, you motherfucking dickless baboon!"

A/N: Hello, loves! I missed you! I'm sorry it took a while for this chapter, but I hope you enjoyed reading it. Any Chasing Red readers here? Whew. Do you remember this? Did you catch any Chasing Red references? That bit about the crabs and Caleb? Haha

I think I told you how hard it is to be in Cameron's head. It's dark because he's in so much pain. And it takes so much out of me to write his chapters. I thought by now it would be easier, but it's still as hard as ever. But how come I still love him so much?

You know what I found out? The harder it is to write a chapter, the greater the feeling of accomplishment is once I put it down on paper. I love and hate it at the same time. But I must love it more because I keep coming back. It's Kara and Cameron. It's them that keeps me coming back. And more, knowing that you are waiting for the next chapter. Thank you for being patient with me. It must not be easy. Really, thank you for coming back. It means a lot. I'm going to finish this book no matter how long it takes. I promise.

How are you? I hope you're doing well and you are loved and you are happy. Winter is coming, and I need to buy new gloves because I don't know where I put my old ones. Stay warm and stay safe, okay? I'll see you in the next one! Love, Isabelle