: Chapter 25

I wipe my sweaty hands on my jeans as I look down at the Bloodstone buried deep into the earth. To say I’m nervous would be the world’s biggest understatement. But this is my path. This is what I was born to do.

You can do this. You can!

‘Thanks, weird little voice in my head,’ I mutter, before tearing open the envelope and tipping the rings out into my hand. As soon as I do, as soon as the ring from the British Museum makes contact with my skin, I feel magic. It overwhelms every cell my body has. It’s ferocious and strong. And foreign. It’s not mine! The sudden influx of strange power has me gasping and dropping the rings to the floor.

‘Are you alright?’ Grayson calls down. ‘Lilly?!’ he urges when I don’t respond.

‘Err, yeah,’ I call back. ‘Yeah I’m fine. I just dropped the rings.’

I kneel into the dirt and examine them both. One a fake, and the other, which is still producing a high-pitched ringing that’s almost like nails scratching on a chalk board. The closer my hand gets, the louder it becomes until I’m almost deafened by the noise. When the tip of my fingers touches it, it silences and once more the magic fills me. I quickly pull back again.

I wonder.

I touch the ring once more and look at a small pebble in the dirt. I use the intruder magic and beckon it towards me and sure enough, it dances across the rough ground to my knee.

‘Oh shit…’ I whisper as I realise. I have magic! Without the Bloodstone. Without Grayson. The ring is giving me access to magic! It’s not my own, I can feel that it’s not. But I couldn’t care less. I let go and it leaves me. It only works when I’m holding it. This is my chance! If I have this ring, I can defend myself. Protect the people I love. Grayson will no longer be my captor and I can free us all from his threats and control.

I look back up to the ridge and try to hide my smirk. As I do, Grayson gives me access to my own magic. Magic he can take away any second. The most welcoming wash of power swarms through every single one of my molecules. From the top of my head to the tip of my toes. My magic rushes back and fills me completely. It feels much stronger than before. More filled with determination and purpose. It completely takes my breath away.

I pick up the ring.

I’ll put it on, I’ll use my magic to disarm Grayson and send the others away so they can’t be hurt. I’ll attack. I’ll get my Bloodstone.

I can get us all out of here with magic Grayson can’t take away from me!

I slide on the ring, but before I can do any of that, I’m yanked through the air by an unseen force, like the ring and the stone are magnetized, and my hand collides onto the Bloodstone.

As soon as my hand and the ring touch it, the colours in both the stone and the ring spring to life and begin to glow. The deep reds mix with its luminescent counterparts and begin moving faster and faster until it’s a furious storm of colour and motion. The Bloodstone becomes hotter and hotter. Brighter and brighter.

‘LILLY!’ Grayson yells, as the ground begins to shake and the hot light seeps out from the stone. We all shield our eyes as it continues to glow, the colours moving so fast it’s nothing more than a blur. ‘IT’S GOING TO EXPLODE! GET AWAY FROM IT!’

I try, but my hand is stuck as if it’s glued in place. In a great big flash of red and black energy, the stone explodes and sends me several feet away. I throw up my arms to protect myself from the light and heat that hurtles out of it. The wave of red and black light crashes against the border of the ridge above me and creates an enormous barrier, sealing me off from the others. It looks like a force field. Amara reaches out to touch it.

‘NO! DON’T!’ Gabriel shouts, snatching her hand away. ‘NO ONE TOUCH IT! It’s a Mortem Wall. You touch it, you die!’ He looks down at me sealed within it, looking lost and terrified beyond words. ‘No one can pass through it without dying. She’s stuck in there.’

Their attention shifts from me and the death wall, to something over my shoulder. Their mouths are open and the look of shock on Grayson, Gabriel, Collins and even Hendrix is more than disconcerting. Slowly, I turn to see what has them so stunned.

‘Holy-hell!’

Standing on the top of the stone, hovering five feet or so in the air, is what I imagine a ghost to look like. It’s a woman. Late thirties, early forties perhaps. Her long royal blue dress slowly blows in the nonexistent wind. Her opaque body looks like it’s floating in water. But her waist-length red hair and the curve of her lips tell me this is no random spectre.

‘Rebecca Hooper,’ I gasp. Her eyes open. They’re completely white. Her skin is almost grey. She looks formidable. She doesn’t look at me. She doesn’t seem to look at anyone or anything in particular at all.

‘In this location, I started a spell to create the Veil, separating the Arcane Realm from the Mortal Realm. If you wish to return to magic, you must pass my test. Succeed, and the first of three locks will be destroyed. When all three locks have been removed, witches will be reunited with their magic.’ Her voice echoes all around us. Bouncing off the sides of the ditch.

‘W-what test?’ I ask apprehensively, watching the ghost.

‘You must overcome what you fear most. For fear has no place in the heart of the Arcane. Prove you are strong enough, worthy enough, and not only will you break this lock… You shall be rewarded.’

‘Rewarded?’

‘If you fail, you will die.’

She reaches out her hands and from each, a streak of pure blue flames pours out and lands on the ground in front of me. The fire swirls and forms a shape.

Two shapes.

Before me, made completely out of blue flames, are two massive panthers. Their mouths open as they snarl and growl at me. Their big paws dig into the ground and their tails swipe slowly from side to side.

‘Face your fears, and defeat my beasts with beasts of your own.’

She lowers her arms and stares into the night.

‘Errr… How do I make fire beasts?’ I call out, watching the increasingly antagonised cats. Dirt kicks up as they claw at the ground. Those claws are very, very real. One of them gives an enormous roar, making me jump and scurry backwards. ‘HOW DO I MAKE FIRE BEASTS?!’ I yell.

‘HOW THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO KNOW?’ Grayson bellows back.

‘GET ON YOUR FEET!’ Gabriel orders. ‘MAKE SOMETHING!’

‘WHAT?’ I yell back. ‘I’VE NOT DONE ANYTHING LIKE THIS BEFORE.’ The cats are getting low, their eyes squarely on me and their shoulder blades begin going up and down. ‘THEY’RE GOING TO POUNCE! WHAT THE HELL DO I DO?’

‘SOMETHING!’ Gabriel yells. ‘BLOODY ANYTHING! GET THE FUCK UP FOR A START!’

I jump to my feet. And they spring to theirs. They sprint towards me as I stand frozen.

‘LILLY! GET YOUR HEAD OUT YOUR ARSE!’ Gabriel bellows.

I send a streak of flames at them. The bright red explodes from me with such force I stagger back. They dodge it. I throw another streak so powerful, it makes a crater in the ground and sends boulders of dirt and rock into the air. A few pound into the Mortem Wall and explode into even more pieces. Behind the barrier, everyone jumps back. But nothing gets through and they swiftly resume their positions, keen to watch, like spectators at a gladiator fight. The panthers dart off-course and miss my attack by a hair. It doesn’t slow them down. The first one leaps. I see those blazing teeth and freeze.

‘LILLY, MOVE!’

Gabriel’s voice snaps me back. I throw myself out the way, but it’s red-hot claw catches my arm. It cuts my flesh and cauterises it all at once.

Hell, does it hurt.

The panther readies itself to take another shot at me as I clutch my wounded arm to my chest. Another wave of my fire pulses from me, sending them both through the air. The one with my blood still on its claws, bulldozes into the barrier. It doesn’t die. Instead, the flames split and a third beast comes to life.

No. Not a beast. A man.

My uncle Harry.

I watch as the flames twist and contort his body. He looks down at me. A man made of fire.

‘You, ’ his voice calls through the air and sounds exactly as I remember it, but ten times louder. He steps forwards and starts making his way down towards me. As he does, he increases in size and the flames that form his skin burn brighter. ‘… Are a monster!’ His voice booms and echoes all around me. ‘… And you, …’ He takes another step towards me and again, increases in size. He stands twice as tall as he ever was and I crane my neck up to watch him as he carries on growing. ‘… Got what monsters deserve.’

He takes another step towards me and I stumble back. He continues to grow with every step, and soon, he’s as big as the trees that tower over head. The others behind the Mortem Wall stare in quiet disbelief at the flaming titan who’s taken the form of my dead uncle. The same fear I felt as a child, swells inside my chest. I feel twelve years old again. I feel like I should lower my gaze as to not upset him. That I should breathe quieter to avoid annoying him. These emotions appeared at the precise time he did, and I wonder if Rebecca Hooper has planted them there. If this is part of the test.

The panthers are circling his feet, snarling and snapping their jaws. Harry laughs a low, amused chuckle, that he would always produce when torturing me. It rumbles the ground and trails of dirt and stone crumble from the ridge’s edge. He raises a giant fist. The air roars as he does and it roars even louder as he brings it down.

Move!

I barrel-roll out of the way and land on my back. Quickly, I lift myself and shuffle backwards, trying hard to return to my feet, but I’m too startled at what I’m facing. He gives another deep laugh.

‘Everything that happened to you,’ he says, once more raising his fist. ‘You deserved.’ He brings down his gigantic arm. I scramble away on my hands and knees and get showered by a wave of dirt as he hammers his fist into the ground. I look over my shoulder. His arm is stretched out ready to swipe at me, his palm open, like he’s about to swat a fly. ‘EVERYTHING!’ he roars. ‘YOU DESERVED ALL OF IT!’ I’m on my feet and sprinting away. He’s slow, due to his size, but if I get hit I know I’m dead. He stomps after me, each footstep he takes shakes the ground. He has maybe three steps to take before he reaches me and I have to sprint hard to get any distance between us. I come to the wall and look up. It’s too steep to climb and even if I did, I can’t get past the Mortem Wall. The footsteps have stopped and slowly, breathlessly, I turn. He towers over me. I’m no bigger than his ankle. He peers past his belly. The panthers prowl closer, their heads low and teeth bared as they snap and growl. Instead of saliva falling from their lips, it looks like lava. When it hits the ground, it sizzles. In the distance, the others are yelling, but I have no idea what. Fear and adrenaline course through me a mile a minute and the blood rushes through my ears so fast it’s almost deafening. Harry leans down, his hand rests on the verge to keep his enormous frame from falling forward. Debris tumbles overhead and I raise my arms to stop myself from getting hit. He gets so close, the heat from his face makes my eyes water. It’s remarkable how the detail of his features comes through the flame. The wrinkles he had on his brow. The cruel curl of his lips, and how his eyes narrowed just so. I’m frozen on the spot. My panting hurts my chest as it rises and falls rapidly. He scoffs and smirks at me.

‘I hate you,’ he taunts. ‘Your mother regretted you.’ He leans in a little closer and I fall on my backside with a small yelp. ‘Your father disowned you.’ The panthers circle his ankles, watching me. ‘And when you die…’ He reaches out his hand, palm flat, and I know he means to crush me. I sink down into the dirt and look up at him feeling terror and dread at my impending death, mixing with the fear he inflicted on me as a child. ‘No one,’ he mocks. ‘No one will mourn you.’

You will not die here. No one will need to mourn you. You are loved, Lilly. You are wanted. And you are needed by so many.

The words are like a loving whisper in the very back of my head. The voice which has been talking to me for the past few months is once more here and sounding as firm and sure as it ever has.

You are not the girl you were when he was alive. You killed him once. Kill him again!

I throw up my hand and send out a stream of my fire. A deep red inferno explodes from my hand straight to his open palm, and he withdraws as if he really has been burnt. He stumbles back a little as I swiftly get to my feet. He growls angrily. I send out another shot as I stand. A steady stream of pure red and heat go straight to his chest. He roars as he watches it crash into him.

‘I don’t fear you. Not anymore!’ I tell him, taking a step forward and forcing him back. ‘You are dead.’ I raise my second hand and my stream doubles in not only size, but ferocity. He staggers back further. ‘And when I killed you, Harry, no one mourned you. No one!’ I send out a wave of fire and he flies backward, crashing into the ridge. The earth trembles, making everyone around us stumble. I walk towards him as he tries, cumbersomely, to return to his feet. ‘And now, Uncle Harry, I get to kill you all over again.’ My fire spreads up my arms and I send it all out to him. It covers him completely. The red fire attacks the blue and he squirms and bellows while trying in vain to put it out. I take a breath and rest my hands close to my chest. I feel the power converge and with a fierce scream, I let it out. Fire and sparks are expelled from my body like a controlled explosion and it batters him relentlessly, destroying his form piece by piece until there is nothing left of him.

The panthers turn their heads from the empty space where Harry just was, back to me. I can see real anger on their faces. I shoot more flames towards them. They writhe beneath the streams as I lift them into the air, holding them captive, high above my head. More and more power I pour out, but they just wriggle.

Why won’t they die?

The ground tremors violently beneath my feet and I fall, losing the hold I had on the panthers. The edge of the cliff, the exact spot where Harry’s fire-titan form faded, is moving. Chunks of earth and rock start protruding outwards. Crumbling and rolling, gathering into a pile. Then, suddenly, another form bursts out of the side of the cliff. A life size form made of rock, dirt and stone lands with a heavy thud in front of me.

Grayson.

‘Let me put your position in a way you will understand.’ His voice is dry and cracked, but it’s still Grayson’s voice. He charges forwards with his stone fists clenched at his side. I watch it wide-eyed and he’s on me before I can react. His solid fingers wrap around my throat and I’m lifted off the ground. ‘You will have no magic unless I deem fit to give it to you. You can’t run because I will find you.’ Behind him, I see the others yelling. Grayson’s simply watching the form of himself throttling me. I’m shaken as I take hold of the stone hand gripping my throat. ‘If you hinder this spell, if you try and run or fight me in any way, if you so much as vex me, Lilly Hooper, I will make sure Amara knows nothing but misery, pain and suffering till the day she dies.’ I’m tossed away with such force, I roll across the hard ground like a tumble weed. The panthers charge. I send another stream of fire at them as I scramble to my feet and they hurtle away from me to the other side of the ridge. The stone version of Grayson is stomping over just as angry and determined as the very real version would.

‘You will behave and do exactly as I ask of you because if you don’t, I will lock up Gabriel and have bits of him handed to you every time you disobey me. As well as Collins.’ He raises his foot and kicks me. Blood splatters my face and my vision blurs. I attack him with fire as I blink blood out of my eyes but he just strolls through it. Using my Telekinesis, I hurl a boulder at him from behind me. It crashes into his shoulder and chips away at his form, but he doesn’t stop. I scramble backwards and he simply follows.

‘You will be the reason your friends suffer and die!’ He reaches down and takes hold of my hair. ‘You look me in the eyes and tell me if you think I’m bluffing. AM I BLUFFING?!’ he bellows in my face, making me yell. But not through fear, because I remember these words. They’re the exact same words he said to me the night he branded me. The yell I produce is so furious, so angry and venomous, it blocks out everything else. The pain in my face and the doubt of not being able to win this fight fades, because right now, I know I won’t stop and I will not fucking lose this fight! Not to him!

As I yell, rocks, stones and boulders fly through the air from behind me and they all hit my target.

Him.

He’s pelted like rapid-fire from a dozen guns and his form chips and shatters as his stone hands tighten their grip.

‘And when you have my children-’

‘I WILL NEVER HAVE YOUR CHILDREN!’ I scream like a savage. ‘AND YOU WON’T TOUCH MY FAMILY!’ My hands raise and the dirt beneath his feet swarms around him, battering him hard and eroding him by force. My voice fades beneath his grip. But still, the earth does as I command and starts to swallow him. He sinks down, still fading as a storm of earth and stone cascade down on him. I’m on my knees as his crumbles but his hand is still holding on. His face is half gone. His waist is buried deep in the ground. He pulls me down, further and further until only his shoulder, neck and arm remain. He whispers his final words before he disintegrates. ‘You should have just fallen in love with me like you were supposed to.’

‘I will never love you. No one ever will, because you are unlovable.’

As soon as I’m free, I crawl backwards, clasping my neck which I know is bruised and swollen. I can barely swallow and when I try to talk, my voice is a hoarse whisper. I struggle to catch my breath. I channel my magic and heal myself. My nose stops bleeding. The bruises on my neck start to fade. The pain stops.

As I push myself up to my feet, I wipe the blood off with my sleeve and look up at the ridge. Collins and Billy are holding Gabriel who has clearly attempted to reach me. But if he touches the Mortem Wall he’ll die. I take a few steps closer and nod, telling them I’m ok.

But their eyes widen as they see something over my shoulder.

The sound of rushing water fills the air. I turn.

From the rubble and ash where Grayson’s rock form faded, water is spilling up through the earth.

‘I’m facing all the elements,’ I whisper, realising the truth of my situation. ‘Fire. Earth… Water.’ I swallow and get ready to face whatever’s coming next. ‘Bring it on.’

As the form starts to build in a swirling tornado, a sharp snarl reaches my ears. Behind me, the panthers are preparing to resume their attack. Without looking away from the water that is still choosing its form. I send out my magic into the ground. Jagged rocks shoot up and protrude from the earth all around the cats and seal them in a cage of stone. I hear their sharp claws scratch at the inside of their prisons. They’re contained. For now.

The water continues to build. Twisting and churning, creating its form until… until I see who it is.

Who else could it be?

I see the theme.

Fire to match Harry’s fierce temper.

Stone to match Grayson resolve and hard headedness.

And water.

An element that can soothe, give life, or destroy everything.

‘Hello, Red.’

‘Toby.’

‘You can’t have a baby, Lilly. I can’t let you.’ His form is smooth. His voice tranquil. He doesn’t come to me. He never did. It was always me that ran to him. ‘We can’t have this baby. I’m sorry. I am so sorry,’ he continues. ‘But you can never have a ba-’

I send a boulder soaring straight through his face. ‘Shut up.’

His face reforms, and as it does, his voice returns. ‘I saw you die!’ he insists. ‘I had a vision soon after we met of you pregnant and dying. I couldn’t let you die.’ I walk closer, my whole-body rigid with a passionate rage. He looks into my eyes. ‘I love you too much. I did it to save you.’

‘I’m going to kill you.’

He laughs and shakes his head. ‘Not if I kill you first.’

In a second I’m surrounded. Trapped in a pillar of water that forces itself down my throat and nose. He’s drowning me.

No!

I attempt to create my fire but his water extinguishes it before it can catch. The pressure in my lungs is intense as they scream out for oxygen.

Water. Water. What will defeat water?

More water won’t help. If anything, I’ll just drown more. If that’s possible.

Then it comes to me. An idea. I have no clue if it will work, but I’m a second away from blacking out. As soon as the idea forms, my magic obeys.

I turn cold. Freezing cold from the inside out and the chill spreads outwards, claiming the water and turning it into ice. It creaks and groans as it transforms. And I’m stuck fast. With a burst of my telekinetic power, I shatter it into a thousand pieces and shards of ice explode outwards, taking Toby with it.

I fall to the ground, gasping and coughing up water.

‘LILLY! LILLY!’ I look over at the others who look frantic. None more than Gabriel. ‘Are you okay?’

All I can do is raise a hand and nod while I try to reclaim my breath.

‘Come on, Beautiful,’ Gabriel encourages. ‘You can do this! I know you can do this!’

The wind starts to pick up. A strong breeze blows my hair and makes the loose dirt dance across the floor. Leaves and twigs join the skit as it starts to pick up in strength. I raise my hand as it gets more aggressive. Dirt and dust starts flying all around me, but I’m ready. I’m more than ready. I get to my feet. The panthers are still trapped in the rock fortress and the Mortem Wall still glimmers. Rebecca Hooper continues to hover and everyone else just watches.

Wind, I assume.

What the hell defeats wind?

‘Nothing.’

The voice makes me colder than the ice did.

‘Shh, Lills. Shh!’ he whispers. His voice carries around me on the wind. It touches me everywhere the breeze does. It smothers me. Consumes me.

Just as he did.

I force myself to turn. My body is stiff and uncooperative. No part of me wants to face him. None. But I know I must.

When I see him standing there, my breath catches and I can’t talk. I can’t move. I can’t do anything. Exactly like I used to react when he was alive. Tears fall fast down my cheeks. The anger and need for vengeance disappears as a terror I haven’t felt for years crashes back inside of me. I know that Rebecca has put it there. That same fear. But it’s far too real to pretend that I’m not feeing it. My feet take me backwards as I just stare wide-eyed at the blue, semi-transparent form standing before me. That boyish smile and those lifeless eyes violate me.

‘You must overcome your fear if you want to break this lock. But you will never stop fearing me.’

‘S-stay away…’

‘Shh, Lills’ he whispers, walking slowly towards me. ‘Why do you always struggle?’ he asks with a light laugh, shrugging his shoulders and shaking his head. ‘Why do you always cry? You know you like it.’

I try to talk. But nothing comes out. Each step I take back, he takes one closer. The wind picks up. It swirls around us, gaining in speed and strength.

‘Hush now. You’ll wake Harry. And you know that would just make him angry.’ He continues to calmly follow me as I retreat slowly, stunned and horrified. My back hits the stone cage holding the panthers in place. ‘If you upset me, I’ll call for the Hunters to come and take you away. Is that what you want?’

He keeps coming. Sauntering closer.

‘G-GABRIEL?!’ I force his name from my mouth. The form of Ryan reaches out to touch me. When I hear Gabriel call my name, I turn and sprint towards him. The wind batters me and knocks me from left to right. I fall to the ground and roll as the wind builds and builds in strength. I dig my fingernails into the dirt and look over my shoulder. Ryan’s coming. I run. I run to the ridge and start climbing. The wind tries to force me down. Debris pelts at my body. Gabriel keeps calling my name. They all do. I focus on my friends and keep climbing. When I reach the ridge, I run towards them.

‘STOP!’ Gabriel yells desperately. ‘If you touch the wall it will kill you! Stop!’ We face each other and I can’t help but sob in a panic. ‘Who is it?’ Gabriel demands, looking scared while glancing over my shoulder. ‘Who is it, Beautiful?’

‘Let me out!’ I cry. ‘PLEASE! LET ME OUT!’

Beyond the howling winds, on their side of the barrier, it’s as still as a summer’s day.

‘I can’t do it! I can’t! Not him. Let me out. LET ME OUT!’

‘You have to! Just turn and fight!’ Grayson demands.

‘Liiilllllyyyyyy.’ His playful voice sings at me. Gabriel looks over my shoulder and so do I. He’s hovering in the air. Still smiling. Still calm. ‘Shhhhh,’ he soothes. ‘Just lie still. I promise. You’ll like it.’

‘Oh shit,’ Gabriel says quietly. ‘Ryan. It’s Ryan, isn’t it?’

I cover my ears before falling on the floor, huddling up in the fetal position.

‘It’s not really him!’ Gabriel yells. ‘It’s not him, Lilly. Ryan isn’t really here!’

‘No. No. No. No!’ I cry over and over, shaking my head and clamping down my hands so I can’t hear Ryan’s words. ‘This can’t be happening. Not him. Not him!’

It all goes quiet. I open my eyes hoping to find him gone. Maybe replaced by another monster. But as soon as I lift my head, I find his face right in mine.

‘It will only hurt for a minute,’ he whispers with a grin.

The air disappears. I’m suddenly in a vacuum and I can’t breathe! I claw at my throat. I pound the floor.

Nothing.

He’s taken the air!

His form lowers down and his feet touch the ground. The wind knocks me down and I’m pinned to the floor by the force of it, and I still can’t breathe. The wind whips across my flesh but not a bit reaches my lungs. Ryan stands beside me, his hand going to his belt. Gabriel is going insane. Not scared. No.

He’s full of rage.

He wants to tear the form of my rapist to pieces.

Lilly?

I hear the voice that’s been whispering to me these past few months in my mind.

Lilly, listen to me now. He’s not real. He’s not here. He’s dead, remember?

‘But he is here. He’ll always be here.’

No. He won’t. You’re here, and all he is, is a distraction. They’re all distractions.

‘Distractions?’

Fire beasts. Defeat her beasts with beasts of your own. Forget him. Fight the panthers!

I have no idea how to make fire beasts, I tell the voice in my own head. I continue watching Ryan who has lowered himself to his knees. He bites his lower lip just as he always did before he would…

… she whispers calmly in my mind.

Then, as if the voice somehow pulls it from my memory pops into my head. Explodes, more like.

A memory of Toby plays out behind my eyes like an old black and white movie.

Toby’s hands are on my hips. His mouth, working my neck. His words sending a shiver over my entire body as he whispers to me.

He raises one hand and his fingers knot in my hair as we sit beneath our willow tree in the dark. Everyone in my uncle’s house is sleeping.

His other hand lays flat over my chest.

His finger would tap my temple.

And I did. For the first time, I had control over my power.

I open my eyes and see her. I see me! Standing by my head, watching Ryan and me. Her white hair blows in the wind and her lilac eyes land on me. A dark smile grows on her lips. She’s wearing those bloody shorts and a dirty tank top. Her legs are caked in dried blood. Her wrists are bruised from the chains she was bound in. Tears stain her dirty face and her lip is split. She’s me, that night in the barn.

‘Help… me!’ I mouth, still struggling for air.

She speaks to me.

My heart is hammering. Adrenaline is making me shake. Fear has me motionless as Ryan places his legs either side of my hips. His hands take my wrists and pin them above my head. His hands feel solid. Real.

My Broken-self kneels beside me and tucks her hair behind her ear. ‘

Ryan kicks apart my legs. The others are yelling for me to fight. They don’t see her, and I have black spots in my vision from lack of air.

‘Ryan is dead, Lilly. You watched him die. Toby destroyed his body. Now you must destroy his memory. You must kill him and free yourself. No man will ever touch you the way he did, ever again. You will never let them. You will kill them before they even get close. And no man will ever make you feel so hopeless, that you wish to end your life. Because now, you have something worth living for. You have you! A life worth living, and people worth loving. Now focus, and let it all go. Let all the fear these men have forced upon you… go. Do not die here!’

I close my eyes. I shut it all out. The snarling from the panthers below. The shouting from my family on the other side of the Mortem Wall. The fear. The self-doubt. The what if’s. The sound of Ryan’s heavy breathing in my ear.

And I count.

Ten seconds. To close off everything else. To rid myself of fear.

‘One. Two.’

The fear my uncle inflicted on me.

Gone.

‘Three. Four.’

The fear of a life with nothing but chains.

Gone.

‘Five. Six.’

The fear of my own power.

Gone.

‘Seven. Eight.’

Toby and his love.

Gone.

‘Nine.’

The memory of a touch that violated me. That makes me cower from the hands of any man.

Gone.

It was so noisy in my head. So much doubt, self-hatred, disgust and fear. It clouded everything. It was far too complicated.

So I replace it with something the world has given me plenty of.

Anger. Angry is good. Angry is strong.

With each number, it gets quieter. The voices yelling all the things I can’t do, shouldn’t do… They fade until all that’s left is one voice. It used to be Toby’s. Telling me what to do. What to feel. What to say. But now… it’s mine.

‘

My Broken-self says ’ She leans down, her mouth close to my ear and she whispers,