CH 19

Yao Zhan has gone to class and Qu Yiheng is at home staring at the unfinished painting.

He couldn’t continue to paint because he didn’t feel like doing anything anymore.

Back when he was in school, people used to joke that some people are able to achieve success and fame due to their youthful appearance, while others only become more successful with age because of their skills and talents.

However, in their line of work, they rely on inspiration, and without it, their skills, no matter how impressive, are just an empty shell. “Beautiful, yet soulless.”

Something without a soul is ugly and not worth looking at or exploring. Everyone wants to avoid this situation and no one wants to admit that they lack inspiration and soul when creating.

In fact, everyone is afraid.

Qu Yiheng used to be afraid too, but eventually he wasn’t afraid. It wasn’t because he always had inspiration, but because he got used to it.

After that incident, he lost his enthusiasm for creation and didn’t even care about inspiration anymore.

Now, he wants to pick up the brush again, but he is unable to do so.

Yesterday’s situation was already a rare occurrence. He knows that this won’t work, but he doesn’t know how to turn things around.

Looking at the painting, all he could think about was Yao Zhan.

The person was no longer in bed with him, but he still felt like he could smell his scent, the fragrance of the same shower gel, but with something else added to it.

Qu Yiheng glanced at the calendar and knew that Yao Zhan’s departure was getting closer and closer, and the closer that date got, the more anxious he became. Obviously, he didn’t want the other person to leave.

Suddenly, his phone rang, and it was a message from Dou Yucong.

Dou Yucong: Brother, who are you with?

Qu Yiheng knew who he was referring to and replied, “I’m alone at home.”

As soon as the message was sent, Dou Yucong called him.

Qu Yiheng asked directly, “What did you do last night?”

“Hey, you’re asking such an awkward question as soon as we start talking. How am I supposed to answer?” Dou Yucong said with a laugh.

“I didn’t call you so you could interrogate me. You told me yesterday that we’d talk about you and Yao Zhan some other time, but I think today is a good day to talk about it.”

“You called just to ask that?” Qu Yiheng found it a bit funny. Who calls during work hours just to hear gossip?

“Yeah, I’m just concerned about you,” Dou Yucong chuckled and then said seriously, “Bro, you’ve always been gay, right? You just didn’t tell me.”

Dou Yucong was a little sad about this matter.

They had been brothers for so many years that they were really closer than blood brothers.

Dou Yucong knew what his brother was like, and was worried all the time that his brother would be bullied and that he wouldn’t find a good girl.

But as it turned out, his brother didn’t need a girl at all and was seeing another man.

It was very uncomfortable to be so good to someone, but they still kept secrets from you.

But he wasn’t really angry with Qu Yiheng. Everyone has something they don’t want to be honest about, and he understood that. He just didn’t want to accept it.

“I didn’t mean to hide it from you.” Qu Yiheng knew that he was in the wrong. He was afraid that Dou Yucong would think too much of it, so he had no choice but to explain, “I never had the chance to tell you.”

Although Dou Yucong was upset about it, he wasn’t going to make a big deal out of it. He was just about to say something when a colleague called him to a meeting.

“Are you home tonight?”

Qu Yiheng hesitated and said, “Yeah, we’ll talk when you get back.”

“Okay.” Dou Yucong was in a hurry to get to the meeting and couldn’t continue the conversation, “It’s okay if you have to go out. I’m not in a hurry. You don’t have to wait for me.”

After hanging up the phone, Qu Yiheng looked up and saw the painting again.

He didn’t initially plan on giving it to Yao Zhan. It was a sudden idea, and he felt that he couldn’t let him go empty-handed.

In fact, the meaning of the painting was not very good. It seems to have a depressing and lifeless feeling to it. But there was nothing else he could give Yao Zhan, and it was the only painting that he had ever felt slightly satisfied with. And after such a long time, it’s the only piece he could call a work of art.

Qu Yiheng still picked up his brush and added two more strokes to the painting.

Yao Zhan really started to think about Qu Yiheng, but despite that, he didn’t want to rush into anything and risk annoying him.

Besides, he came here to learn, and although he initially agreed to come because of Qu Yiheng, he still needed to understand what he came here to learn and still had a task to report back.

These past few days with Qu Yiheng have really satisfied Yao Zhan and he’s been much more attentive in class. And at noon he even texted Qu Yiheng to ask if he wanted to eat dinner together that evening, but he was surprised when Qu Yiheng refused.

Yao Zhan had never been turned down by Qu Yiheng before, so this was the first time and it left him baffled.

He worried that he had done something to upset Qu Yiheng, but Qu Yiheng told him that it wasn’t because of him, that he just had something to attend to at night and that they could meet up tomorrow instead.

Since receiving that message, Yao Zhan has been restless. He hasn’t been in a relationship for so many years and he’s never felt this anxious for someone before. It’s as if he’s experiencing what young people call being unable to think of food or drink.

Sometimes, it’s easy for people to get caught in a vicious cycle. Once they start to care about someone, they can’t interact with them normally.

Yao Zhan feels like he might be in that situation.

Before, he and Qu Yiheng were very comfortable with each other, whether they were chatting or having sex. He was sure that Qu Yiheng was also satisfied with him as a sexual partner. But now that he has realized that he wants more than just Qu Yiheng’s body, he feels trapped and starts to overthink everything.

Yao Zhan is annoyed with himself for being indecisive and not straightforward. He’s over thirty years old and being wishy-washy like this doesn’t make him happy.

After class, he went back to the hotel and called Shao Wei again. He didn’t say what was wrong with him, he just wanted to know how his godson was playing in the nursery.

Shao Wei said, “Don’t try to act innocent with me. I know why you’re calling!”

He laughed at Yao Zhan and said, “You’re not so different from the rest of us after all!”

Yao Zhan had never thought that he would have such a day. Many people had pursued him, both men and women, but he hadn’t found anyone he liked. At that time, even Shao Wei had said that he didn’t know who could catch Yao Zhan’s eye.

But fifteen years had passed, and it was still Qu Yiheng who caught his attention.

Yao Zhan had never talked to Shao Wei about what happened between him and Qu Yiheng in school. It was too private, and he didn’t mind if people knew, but he was afraid that Qu Yiheng would mind.

But Shao Wei was not blind, he was smart. Back then, Qu Yiheng was the only one who was willing to talk to Yao Zhan, and Yao Zhan always protected Qu Yiheng, intentionally or unintentionally. Although no one thought of it that way at that time, looking back now, it was a bit ambiguous.

Shao Wei asked him, “Did you like him back then?”

“No.” Yao Zhan said, “I don’t know.”

“But let me tell you something,” Shao Wei said, “I didn’t notice it at first, but after you called me this morning, I realised that all your previous partners were quite similar to Qu Yiheng.”

“Similar? I didn’t notice.” Yao Zhan couldn’t possibly, not have noticed, but he couldn’t say that.

“Yes, they were similar, but not the same as Qu Yiheng.” Shao Wei had only spoken a few words with Qu Yiheng at the cemetery that day and hadn’t had much contact with him, but over the years, he had always had a keen eye for people.

He had met both of Yao Zhan’s previous boyfriends. The first one was okay, but the second one really had some resemblance to Qu Yiheng in his appearance, but their personalities were very different. Qu Yiheng didn’t say a word for half a day, while that guy talked to him from the moment they met, two extremes.

“I guess you didn’t even notice it yourself, but you just like someone like him.” Shao Wei said, “Our cooperation project is over, and Qu Yiheng’s ex went flew back home last night.”

Yao Zhan frowned, “What’s his ex’s background?”

“He doesn’t have much of a background, just an average person.” Shao Wei said, “I don’t know much about him either, after all, we were only business partners, but I heard that he got divorced six months ago.”

“Married?”

“Already divorced.” Shao Wei lit a cigarette. “I suspect that guy probably left Qu Yiheng to get married, but the marriage didn’t last either, so they got divorced.”

When Yao Zhan heard him light a cigarette, he lit one himself.

“Damn, that guy won’t go back to get back together with Qu Yiheng, will he?” Shao Wei pondered for a moment. “I’ll be honest, although I don’t think you’re a good person, you’re still better than him.”

“Aren we really friends? What are you talking about?”

“The truth.” Shao Wei said, “I’ll tell you the truth whether you like it or not. From what I see of Qu Yiheng, he’s timid, you may not be suitable for each other.”

“We’ll only know if we’re suitable once we try.” Yao Zhan said, “But the problem is, it may not work out.”

Shao Wei took a drag of his cigarette. “I can’t do anything about this.”

“I know.”

The two fell silent and started smoking in front of their phones.

“Has my aunt been pressuring you lately?” Shao Wei suddenly brought up the topic. “When you had no direction before, you procrastinated. But don’t you plan to come clean now?”

“It’s a matter of time.” Yao Zhan said, “If Qu Yiheng really wants to be with me, I’ll come clean to my mom immediately.”

“Stop talking nonsense, you’re just talking big.”

Yao Zhan wasn’t joking. The reason why he hadn’t come out to his family for so many years was because he was worried about his mother’s health, and also because he hadn’t met someone worth taking the risk for.

If Qu Yiheng is willing to give him a chance to develop their relationship, he is willing to take that step for him.

In matters of relationship like this, both parties have to make sacrifices and work hard for each other.

“Are you going to see him later?”

“No, I’m going back to the hotel.” Yao Zhan didn’t tell Shao Wei about his past with Qu Yiheng, nor did he mention what they had done when they met recently. “I was supposed to have dinner with him tonight, but he refused.”

“Well, he’s really making progress.”

“He still has his temper,” Yao Zhan chuckled. “Okay, I won’t waste any more time with you. I’ll go over my notes from class and go to bed early.”

“Fine, go about your business.” Before hanging up the phone, Shao Wei was still worried, and cautioned, “The lessons from the past are always there to learn from. I think the thing that Qu Yiheng fears the most is coming out of the closet. You can figure it out yourself, I won’t say more.”

The two agreed to meet up later and then hung up the phone.

When Yao Zhan walked to the window, he noticed that it was raining outside.

The day he reunited with Qu Yiheng was also a rainy day and Qu Yiheng’s umbrella had been left in his car.

He remembered asking Qu Yiheng about his ex last night, but Qu Yiheng didn’t say anything. He was probably truly hurt and didn’t want to bring up the topic again.

Yao Zhan pulled open the sliding door leading to the balcony from his room, and the sound of rain instantly flooded his ears.

He looked at the rain outside, smoking and wondering if Qu Yiheng was lying in bed alone tonight, thinking of him.