Chapter 21

He didn’t look particularly surprised or shocked, of course he was looking at me weirdly but he didn’t say anything for a while and I didn’t feel so bold anymore like I did when I asked him to kiss me. I should have never opened my stupid mouth, and now I was even more scared to say anything else. Too scared that instead of fixing this mess I will get even deeper in my stupidity.

The more seconds passed the more insecure I grew.

“You are joking… Right?” he asked and suddenly I would much rather want for him to say nothing at all than this. He wanted this to be a joke. And I understood. Why would he want to kiss me at all? I already went for a kiss in the forest. Because I felt like he cared a lot more than he told me he did… I thought maybe there was something. But there was something only for me.

I turned around looking out the window not being able to look at him anymore, why was I so stupid. “I…I’m sorry,” I said in a stutter. I didn’t know if we were friends but we were something. And finally when I meet a friendly person I say things like this making them think I am stupid. Friends don’t kiss… and I wanted for him to be more to me. Friends don’t know how others’ lips taste, and friends don’t even want to know that because that isn’t what friends do.

“For what?” he asked, and I heard his footsteps walking a few steps closer behind me. I didn’t understand why he was making this so hard for me. Couldn’t he see that I was already filled with insecurities and regrets of what I said? But then again, he seemed to love torturing me. I was just making it easy for him.

I shook my head. “…Nothing… I mean… just… forget about it,” I spoke with long pauses because it was like I forgot every word I have ever spoken. I didn’t know how to fix this, I noticed I was fidgeting with my fingers and just tried to stop my hands by holding them.

“Do you really want to?” he asked and I didn’t need to ask what he was referring to, it was said in his gentle tone. How pitiful his voice sounded. I wanted to fall into the ground like never before. The room was quiet and I heard his breathing easy and slow while I was struggling to make my heart beat at a normal pace again.

I shook my head while looking outside, not being able to focus on anything my eyes showed. “It doesn’t matter. It’s clearly not mutual… I am just stupid and… and I didn’t think… and can we just not talk about it?” I panicked because I liked him more than I planned to like him. I didn’t want to ruin this thing that we already had. I should have never opened my mouth, I should have thought before I spoke. I mentally was fighting with myself. I wished I never spoke.

He was Death… What could he ever want from someone like me?

“Look at me,” he said gently. I didn’t want to at first but he was waiting for me to turn towards him. I just wanted this to be over, to be forgotten about. “Look at me.” He now said in a demanding tone. Somehow I knew it wasn’t anger… and I did what he said.

I had done many questionable things but I never felt this. Half ashamed that something like that even jumped in my mind.

I slowly turned my body towards him and raised my eyes up to him. The next thing he did made me jump a little, he walked up to me cupping my face in one hand and the other resting on my waist, and I felt like my heart would jump out. “It would complicate things a lot more for me…” he said, rubbing his thumb on my cheek.

I didn’t know what to do with my arms, they just hung there awkwardly. I wasn’t even sure what he was doing.

For a moment he put his forehead up to mine taking in a few deep breaths. And my eyes closed. I felt how his hand on my waist was moving, caressing my side. The breath I was holding made me release it as a stutter.

His face leaned away, but still remained at a distance dangerously close for my sanity.

He looked at me. “I can’t kiss you… for my selfish reasons I can’t,” he said through gritted teeth.

“What… selfish reasons?” I asked slowly with gushes of breath in between as his hand on my waist tightened.

“I will leave eventually. And I already don’t want to leave you…” I saw a glimmer of tear in his eye. He didn’t want to leave. “If I kiss you it will make leaving even harder… I already feel things I shouldn’t have. I am Death and my place is in the afterworld and yours is here.” He was about to pull away but my arms flew up and I held him back. My hands up to his neck.

I knew it surprised him. I felt him tightening under my hold. His skin was silky smooth and warm. But I swore he almost shivered when I touched him.

“You don’t have to leave… I don’t want you to,’ ’I didn’t really care what came out of my mouth anymore.

How little he had to do to make me act stupid. How a single touch from him made my senses die.

He closed his eyes letting his head rest in my hold. As if he would fall asleep. He then took my hands in his and brought them up to his lips. “Don’t be so oblivious Meredith. You don’t belong near me. You are smart. You know it can’t be,” he explained, his jaw tightened but eyes showing hurt. I wanted my hands back to his skin. I wanted his hand back on my waist. Instead he held both of my hands in his.

“Then why are you here?” I asked, making his face scrunch up in confusion. “Why do you always come to me?” I asked, holding his stare into mine. “Why do you care? Because I know you care… you wouldn’t be here and telling me this if you didn’t care!” I almost screamed at him now, furious… I didn’t know what I was feeling right now… what I should be feeling…

It angered me that I didn’t know.

“Care doesn’t always mean something more.” He said but wasn’t looking at me, he was only looking down on our hands.

“You don’t have to leave. We can be friends.” I said hopelessly. I didn’t want to be in this world without him. I have grown to like him, even as just friends, I am ready to be just a friend to him. If friends were all we could be, I was okay with that.

His eyes squinted as if he was hurt.”I don’t want to be friends with you… friends don’t think about each other like that,” he said. “No matter what, I know that you will go tomorrow night. But after that… I am leaving, and I won’t come back. I should have left a long time before.” He said, shaking his head.

“Why do you want to leave me so much?” I asked with my voice breaking.

He laughed mockingly at me. “Can’t you see that I am already too out of my mind? I want to be close to you, but I can’t. I want to have you but I can’t. I can’t have you as my weakness. I hate the fate for putting us in place where we meet.”

He wanted me like I wanted him. Then why couldn’t he?...

“I like you…” I said but he interrupted.

“Don’t,” he said with his eyes closed like it was hurting him. “This is not how it’s supposed to be. You are made for someone else. You will find him and you will be happy. I can’t give you a happy life,” he said. “Forget about everything that we ever talked about here,” he was trying to look angry but the sadness and regret dominated his face.

He was about to back away but I clutched my hands in his arm. “Kiss me.” I said like I had just ran a mile, breathless.

“Kiss me and I will let you go… I will forget about anything that happened and even you... just one kiss.” I almost pleaded for him. It must make me desperate to plead for kisses but I didn’t care.

I lied to him. I would never forget. Even if I wanted to, he was burned in my heart. I didn’t even need to have him more to know that the damage was already done.

He looked at me with suspicion. “Don’t you feel no empathy for me? That it will hurt me more when I leave?”

I shook my head. “You are hurting me by leaving… don’t you feel empathy? “ I cut back. He came closer, giving up on our argument. I hoped he was. I hoped he would take away all the rational thinking.

He rested his hand on the side of my face, his other hand behind my back. “You will be the death of me,” but even on his lips a smile was dancing.

“Why do you want this so badly?” he asked with his eyes closed and his thumb on my lower lip. “Why, if you know it won’t last?”

I knew that there was no way of me speaking without trembling. “I want to know what it’s like… if I die tomorrow… I want to experience it… but it’s only you…only you I want to feel it with.” I said.

My heart stopped for a second when his hand left my neck. It terrified me. But instead it landed where my heart was. Skin on skin he touched where my heart was breaking my bones. He smiled. With his eyes closed. “I don’t think your heart should go any faster. I fear it might kill you.”

“Can you not?” I asked.

His eyes instantly flew open and his palm loosened. Now I was the one scaring him that he had done something wrong. “What?” he asked.

“...think. Don’t.”

I felt like I had just turned on a switch. He crashed his lips to mine, but continued gently and slow, like it was the most sacred thing ever made. How softly his lips moulded onto mine. even my dreams couldn’t imagine how intimate this moment felt. I knew no other hands I would fit better in. and no other hands could hold me better.

I tangled my hand in his hair pulling him closer and it made him deepen the kiss. He was holding my waist tightly, I could feel how tense he was, holding back. A tender touch between two pairs of lips. And suddenly water wasn’t my favorite thing anymore…

We moved together, lips on lips. But I wanted more. I pressed my chest against his, making him stumble. It didn’t take him even half a second when he backed me up to the wall. It made me gasp and he took his chance and our tongues tied together. His hands now moved all around me. Up and down my back. In my hair. Over my chest.

It wasn’t slow and easy anymore. The pace fastened and our movements were much quicker and bolder. Now also his heart was running. Our breaths taking every chance to take in more air.

He grabbed up one of my legs and wrapped it around his side. His fingers dug in my thigh and a sweet moan escaped me which resulted in him tightening his hold.

My fingers tightened in his hair, softly pulling while his lips left mine, making me miss his taste.

He bent my neck and started passionately leaving trailers of wet kisses. I knew my lips were left swollen but it didn’t matter. My head fell back to the wall while kept touching me and kissing my neck.

I felt something no one has ever made me feel. Desire and and being desired.

I harshly grabbed his head and pulled him back to my lips. I soft smirk played on his mouth but quickly disappeared while kissing me.

I felt my body tingling, urging for his touch. It was hot. And my dress felt tight. And his sweater made my fingers hurt. I wanted it off. I wanted everything off of us. His hand roamed and tightened on my breast where my urges for nothing to between our touches increased.

I let myself moan with his touch. And he liked it. He kept smirking at every sound I made.

I slid my hands under his sweater and shocked him. He grabbed both of my hands and pulled them back. And also pulled himself back from kissing me.

He backed away, still looking at me. Shocked. His mouth was red and his breathing quick and hitched.

My chest was rising up and down. I felt like the fabric on my dress was about to burst.

The kiss… went a little out of control. Making us both stand there and watch each other, not knowing what to say.

He cleared his throat. He looked all over me. “I apologize.” He let go of my hands and backed. He washed his face in his hands and shook his head.

Did I startle him too much? Did he forget that I touched him back? That I kissed him back?

“What for?” I asked, still leaning by the wall. Was afraid I might not be able to hold my weight on my shaky knees.

“I should know better. You are young. Very young and… and I am… I am Death.” there was panic in his eyes, and guilt.

“I am not a child.” I almost snapped at him. He felt guilty of touching me.

He shook his head. “You aren’t but… I… I shouldn’t touch you like that. There is someone waiting for you… I shouldn’t take that away from you. You are meant for someone.. For someone else to… touch. There is someone who you will want to be with. I should be smarter and… I am deeply sorry Meredith,” he barely looked in my eyes, but he was panicking.

“I wanted you to…” I didn’t want him to be sorry for it.

His eyes froze on mine. “You shouldn’t want that.”

I forced a quick smile at him through tears. “I know.”

He was Death. And I was a mortal nymph.

He straightened up his coat. “It’s best if I go.” He said that, but his eyes showed something different.

I still nodded at him. Being ready to drop down in tears when he left.

He walked to the door but right as he was at the doorway he turned to look at me.

“I guess we’re just going to have to be secretly in love with each other for the rest of eternity.” …