6

I'M NOT a fan of birthday parties, especially when it's mine. Having four kids with separate birthdays is difficult. They all want a party, and it's always a mess to clean up after. But it's rewarding, and I hire someone to clean it all up. But to be the center of attention is tiring. Everyone has to talk to the birthday girl, and I sometimes hate talking.

"We hired a band. They should be here already," Christopher's arm is around my shoulder, as I lean my head against his. I want the day to be over already, but the party has just begun.

"Why hire a band? Just play some music off of Youtube or whatever," I'm not in a good mood, especially since I haven't seen or heard from Bethany in a few days. It's taking a major toll on me, and I find myself unable to look another woman in the eye. Petah's somewhere with Ethan. And has been avoiding me like the plague.

Jane and her husband, Demetri, are yet to arrive, probably since Jane's been having trouble feeling comfortable in anything that she wears.

I'm just enjoying the little time that I have with my sons, before they head back to campus. They both attend Stanford University, which is almost a six hour drive from here. Living in Los Angeles has been the best choice for my career, even though I'm originally from Manhattan in New York.

"Mommy, you're not cuddling me," Mary whines, as she pulls me into her, ignoring her brother next to me.

"You're such a baby," Christopher mutters, as he nudges her. They're the youngest, and the most playful.

"You can't steal all the loves," she hits his arm, making him yell out in pain. I give her my motherly look, which is narrowed eyes, and a disapproving frown.

"Mother!" He streaks, pushing her arm, and causing her to stumble back. He isn't violent, but these two always fight.

"You two behave," I grab Mary's hand, and pull her into me, to make sure that she isn't hurt, "no hitting each other, or I'll ground you both," they both roll their eyes at me.

"We're too old for that, Mother," Christopher's got the most irritated look on his face, and Mary's pouting.

"I'm sorry, Mommy," she pulls me into a hug, trying to butter me up. She lives in her own studio apartment, and it's impossible for me to ground her, but she doesn't like it when I'm upset.

"Sweetheart, you're forgiven," she always manages to make me get all soft and forgiving, no matter the circumstance. Once she stole my car to go hook-up with her boyfriend, and I only grounded her for a month! I should have made her join a convent instead. She's lucky that I remember what it's like to be her age. Kids, I tell ya.

"Mother," Christopher groans, "you always give into her stupid face."

"Chrissy, don't be jealous," Mary teases. He hates it when she calls him that. I watch my kids get into an argument, and their voices begin to hurt my head, so I drag Christopher inside, and into the kitchen.

"How's college?" I ask. It's the most typical question to ask your twenty-one year old son. But I still want him to answer.

"It's good. As and Bs, but you've seen my grades already," I place my hand on his shoulder, and run my fingers through his hair. He's studying software engineering, and someday, he'll make his mommy a time machine, so that she can go back to her youth. If only that would really happen.

"You know I love you, right?" He nods, "call me more often, please? I miss you so much when you're away," I pull him into my arms, and suffocate the life out of him on purpose. It sucks to live in a big house all alone. When there's weird sounds coming from outside, I have to grab the baseball bat that I keep beside my bed. That's how paranoid I get.

"I love you too, Mother," I release him, so that he can breathe again, "are you going to tell me about this woman that you're seeing?" I find it hard not to cringe. I'm not seeing anyone! "Come on, Jane told me all about it," so it was her!

"It's nothing," I mumble and shrug, leaning back against the kitchen island. I'm not going to tell my son about my one-night stand. I don't want to tell anyone actually.

"I heard she spent the night," he wiggles his eyebrows, teasing the hell out of me.

"Maybe she did," I give him the answer that he's looking for, and he almost jumps up in the air.

"Okay, that's great!" His excitement is making me sick to my stomach.

"She's twenty-five," Jane walks into the kitchen with her hand cupping the front of her stomach. Christopher's jaw drops to the floor.

"Oh fuck, you didn't tell me that before!" He squeals and looks at me with his hands clasped against his chin.

"Mom's a cougar," Jane giggles and I glare at her. You're the one who set me up on that frickin' blind date to begin with! I want to scream it on top of my lungs, but too many people are in the backyard.

"Uh, what?" Petah enters the kitchen beside Mary, and all the color from my face disappears. Oh fuck.

Mary walks beside me, and wraps her arm around my shoulder, "we actually found that girl for her," Mary doesn't care that Petah will be offended. Ethan walks in with a glass of wine, and his eyes widen immediately.

"Mom's really dating? I thought you guys were lying," Ethan's the serious, big brother, that sometimes can't hold back his laughter, especially when the room is super tense.

"And to a twenty-five year old," Mary reminds. My kids need to stop bringing that part up. I can see the hurt in Petah's eyes, and I'm feeling even more guilty. I don't want them to rub it in her face, "Mom's bra was on the kitchen floor, and the girl's nipple covers. It was so hilarious."

Petah looks at me, and I can see that love I once saw when we were together. Does she really really want to give us another shot?

Petah says, "Mary, I'm still in love with your mother, so please stop talking about the girl she slept with," oh my freaking god, why? Why tell the kids that? What is wrong with you?

"Wait, what?" Ethan looks flabbergasted, while Mary and Christopher stand there shocked. As for Jane, she seems unsurprised, because she's giving her mother those comforting brown eyes to look into.

"Ma, I told you she's moving on," Jane's talking as though I'm not even here.

"I need a drink," Petah storms out of the kitchen, and I'm left to pick up the pieces, as usual.

"Mommy?" Mary's tone is so soft. I can feel all of her emotions, and assume all of her thoughts. Christopher's looking at the ground in front of him, while Ethan's whistling to hide his discomfort. I know that they've always wanted us to get back together, and even though they've accepted that it won't happen, after what Petah said, their hopes have definitely resurfaced.

Parenting doesn't stop, even when your kids are old enough to do porn. Fuck, if any of them ever goes into the porn industry, I'm going to buy myself a hijab.

"I'm going to kill her," I mutter under my breath, but they all hear it. Hurt flashes across all of their faces, and even Jane's tearing up. All of my children are old enough to understand where I'm coming from, hopefully.

"Don't you still love her though?" Christopher almost whispers. Even Ethan's strong demeanor is crumbling, as he wipes a few tears away.

"My babies," they all walk over to me, and Mary reserves the spot against my chest, as she wraps her arms around my neck, "I don't love your mom in that way anymore. But I do love her. She's the reason why all of you exist."

I only gave birth to Mary, which is why she's probably more attached to me than the rest of them, "Mommy," she buries her face into the crook of my neck. Mary's held a grudge against Petah the day she walked through the doors, and out of our relationship.

"Sweetheart, don't cry," I look at each of them one by one. What's it with kids these days? When my parents divorced, I didn't shed a tear. But maybe that's just me. I place a kiss on her forehead, and wipe her eyes with my thumbs.

Slipping out of her arms, I give Christopher a hug. He's an emotional one too, even though he tries to cover it up with all these tattoos and piercings, "Chrissy, give me back my mommy," I sigh. Mary's like a five year old sometimes. I can't comfort one, and don't soothe the rest. They're all equally mine.

"Come here, Ethan," he's not fond of affection, but he pulls me tightly into him, catching me off guard.

"Go on a date with her?" Ethan suggests, making me wonder who he's talking about, "she deserves a chance to redeem herself," I almost faint right there.

"Ethan!" Mary yells, obviously disagreeing, "go fuck yourself. She's not going back to Petah," I close my eyes, and try to steady my breathing. This is what I've been afraid of.

"I actually agree with Mary," Jane says. I look at Christopher, and he shrugs, giving me an indefinite answer.

"I thought mom still loves her, and if she loves mom too, why not give it another go?" Ethan defends, causing Mary to flare up.

"Because she's a fucking cheat and a liar!" Mary screams, everyone outside probably hearing. A guitar begins to play, and I assume that the band arrived. They probably realized that they should hurry things along, because of the commotion that we're having.

"You're the fucking liar," Ethan snarls. There's so many emotions, and so much confusion. I'm surprised that Ethan's getting so worked up. I expect it from Mary, since she's always been hot headed, but for him to argue with her, that's new.

Jane takes her brother outside, and I'm left with my other, emotional kids, "give your mom a hug?" I open my arms, and each take a place on either side of my chest.

"Don't go back," Mary mumbles. I can't believe that Ethan wants us to make up. And I know that even though Mary's against it, if I do consider taking Petah back, she'd still be over the moon. Kids always want their parents to stick together, no matter what, even if the relationship is horrible.

When I hear the voice of the singer, I'm immediately taken aback. That beautiful melody is so familiar, and tugging on my heart strings. My two kids step back, and I head outside. Beside the gigantic, oak tree in the backyard, are three musicians—a guitarist, pianist, and the singer...

My eyes widen when I realize that the singer is definitely Bethany. How the hell? "Happy Birthday, Mommy," Mary says softly, as she walks beside me. I realize that it's all her doing.

Turning to her, she gives me those big, puppy dog eyes, "how?" I ask. She grins and pulls me into a hug.

"I contacted her on Instagram. She was really reluctant at first, but I bet she wanted a chance to see you again," if my head wasn't spinning before, it is now. Holy mother of god! I don't know if I want to give my daughter the biggest kiss on her forehead or scold her, "you should say hi, before Bethany starts singing happy birthday."

The tension in my chest is three times worse now. I look back at Bethany. Those beautiful eyes are fluttering across the yard, but doesn't land on me. Glancing around, I see so many of my lesbian friends gawking at her. I head over to Judy, and nudge her shoulder, probably because she's staring too intently at Bethany.

"Oh, Xo, happy birthday!" Judy pulls me into a hug. Judy's been a friend of mine for almost seventeen years. Our kids went to kindergarden together.

"Thanks," I mumble, feeling the jealousy inside of my chest. Why am I jealous?

"She's fucking gorgeous," Judy comments, and my nostrils begin to flare. Although I hate jealousy, it's getting the best of me. Is this what it's like to be possessive over someone who you're not even with? It feels worse, since you definitely have no control over that person's actions.

"Yeah," I'm starting to really hate this party, even though I love that I get to see Bethany. Does she even want to see me? After leaving my office that day, I was sure that I would never see her again. But she's here.

A little boy is running around the yard, and I don't know who he is. Is he the neighbour's kid? I'm drawn to him, and wonder why he's all alone. When I kneel down in front of him, his big, green eyes tickle my heart.

"Where's your mommy?" I ask. I can see he's trying to enjoy the spacious backyard, because he begins to fidget on his feet. I'm blocking his way, and with good reason. I take his hand in mine, and smile, trying to let him know that I'm a good person. Damn, I think that's what a typical pedophile does.

"You's a strager," he seems to be taught well. His eyes narrow at mine, and he pulls his hand away. The little boy looks away from me, and towards the band. That's when I notice Bethany eyes plastered on the two of us, and immediately realize that he's Blue.

"I'm your mommy's friend," so that's why her eyes are all over the place. She's been trying to keep an eye on him. She probably has no one to look after him, and decided to bring him along, "aren't you Blue?"

He nods, but steps back. When he runs away, he heads straight over to his mother. I follow him, as Bethany steps away from the microphone.

"Mommy," he topples over, and lands on his face. I immediately quicken my pace to pick him up, but she's already rubbing his cheeks with her thumbs, and wiping away his tears.

For a two year old, he's pretty responsible. I'm feeling a mixture of emotions watching the two interact, and when she lifts him into her arms, and kisses his cheek, my heart melts.

"Hey, Xiomara," she says softly. Blue covers his eyes, and leans his head against his mother's shoulder.

"I, uh," I'm always lost for words when it comes to her.

"Babe, when are we sticking the cake?" Petah walks beside me and wraps her arm around my neck. My eyebrows furrow, as I move my eyes over her, "who's this?" Petah asks.

Now Petah's jealous? God, help me. I'm fond of her trying to cock-block me, but this is the worst time to. Bethany seems confused, probably wondering if she slept with an unavailable woman.

"The singer," I answer. Of course she knows that. And I know that Petah suspects otherwise, as well.

"Hi, I'm Xiomara's wife," wow, okay, that's something.

"Ex-wife," I clarify, knowing that Petah will get irritated, but I won't let Bethany think that I'm still married. That'll just be awful.

"I'm Bethany, and I should get back," she points in a random direction.

"I can watch him in the meantime," I suggest, my shy voice not going unnoticed by Petah.

"No, that's okay," Bethany walks away. I sigh, feeling my happiness disintegrate, especially from the look on Petah's face.

"Who's that? Another one of your cubs?" Petah asks. First of all, you have no right to question me, or have an attitude for that matter.

"Petah, just leave me alone," I see Ethan beside the picnic table, and he's looking at me with pain in his eyes. Is he that torn about this?

I walk over to him, but his jaw tightens, and he walks away. I'm left here, more pain invading my chest. I almost feel like I'm having a heart attack!

"Mommy, no," I hear Blue squeal, as he runs over to me, and hides behind my leg. And when I thought he doesn't like strangers.

"Blue, I have to get back to work. Come here," Bethany seems so frustrated, and I doubt it's because her son is being playful.

"Bethany, please let me watch him?" I pick the little boy up, and let him sit on my arm, while I steady his position with my hand. Those blonde curls remind me of Ethan.

Blue pokes my nose, and giggles, while I try to focus my attention on him. His mom walks closer, and taps his shoulder to gain his attention.

"Blue, listen to her, and don't run away, else no ice-cream later, okay?" Blue nods, as her eyes travel to mine. I gulp, feeling heat unnecessarily rise to my cheeks, "thank you," her eyes leave mine, and she steps back. There's so many emotions running through us both, and as she heads back to the microphone, I immediately miss her.

I have to blow out my candles in a bit, but looking at that forty-nine stand tall on my birthday cake makes me sad.

"Want to blow some candles with me?" I ask. Blue becomes excited, as I walk over to the table where I'm expected to be. Everyone looks at me awkwardly. I assume that they're wondering where I got another kid from. Yes everyone, some people get mustangs in a mid-life crisis, I got a baby boy. I grin at my own jokeful thought, as I place Blue to stand on the chair, so that he's able to see the top of the cake.

"Chocolate?" He questions, pressing his finger against the frosting. I'd scold him to stop, but he's too adorable.

"Yes, sweetheart, it's chocolate."

Jane walks over with the most confused face in the yard, "who's kid did you steal?" Jane asks. Maybe I'm just testing out grandmotherhood with a rental. I see Demetri, and a few other men with beers in their hands, and wonder where they got them from. We only have wine and soda.

Mary says, "that's Bethany's baby. He's got millions of likes on Insta," Insta? Like Instant Coffee? Okay, I'm not that dumb. I know it's Instagram that she's talking about.

"Ma?" Jane's smile makes me smile too. At least my daughters aren't holding a grudge against me, but one of my boys is, and it's killing me.

"Candles, candles," Blue chants and claps his hands. Jane's eyes light up, as she walks beside him, and lifts him into her arms. She has a weakness for babies, especially boys.

"Oh my god, you're too adorable," Jane squeals. He squirms in her grasp, and stretches for the cake. My eyes travel over to Bethany, and she's looking my way too. But not at Blue. She's actually looking at me.

"I probably should have given you this earlier," Christopher walks over with a gift-wrapped box in his hands. He hands me it, and waits excitedly for me to open it. I know my kids, and they're pretty predictive when it comes to presents. Let me think, it's probably another vibrator. I'm always dealing with their inappropriateness.

"I'll open it later, but thank you," I say. He places a kiss on my cheek, as his eyes follow that voice. When his eyes land on Bethany, all the blood in my body boils. He's giving her that look, and I know that look too well.

"That's mom's girlfriend," Mary informs, wrapping her arms around his neck. His eyes immediately widen, and he looks away, clearing his throat. At least he won't look Bethany in the eyes anymore. But it's still disheartening, "and that's the girlfriend's kid," Mary catches Christopher up with the lastest, while I give Blue my undivided attention.

Jane's lighting the candles on the cake, while Blue intently watches. He's such a cute baby boy, and makes me think about having another kid. Not that I would. I have a grandkid coming soon, so that'll do.

"Janey, candle for me too?" So he knows her name already? Jane never wastes any time.

"You'll help me blow out mine, right?" I ask him. I place Christopher's present onto the table. Blue's blonde curls are pulled back with the palm of his hand, before he stretches his arms for me to lift him up.

"Mommy's swinging birthday song?" Everyone begins to gather around, and I pull on his little nose teasingly. He giggles and smacks my hand away, while sucking on his thumb. As another song starts, my entire face flushes, since she's directing the words to me—the birthday girl, "Mommy!" Bethany releases the microphone from it's stand, and begins to walk over to me. Her voice is so beautiful, and makes the day so much brighter. Blue is gleaming and moving his head side to side, seemingly enjoying his mother's voice.

I look at the lit candles in front of me, and Blue's leaning down to reach them. I bend a little, to position him in front of the candles.

"Blow them," I whisper, as I pretend to blow them out, but he actually does the work. He's so giddy that I have to hold on tightly to him, before he falls.

Everyone claps, while I notice Petah entering the house alongside some other girl. The way they're walking beside each other makes what's happening obvious. Not in my fucking house. She can fuck anyone anywhere else, but not where I live.

Mary follows my gaze, and the look on her face can kill a demon, "I'll deal with that," she grumbles, walking away, while everyone gets back to chatting with each other.

Most of my friends are at the far end of the yard, glasses of wine in their hands, while they stare at the singer. Yes, most of my friends are either lesbians or bisexuals, and even the straight ones seem to be giving her a second glance.

"Bethany, you can enjoy the party now," I insist, wanting to spend time with her rather than listen to her sing, not that her voice isn't lovely.

"I'm supposed to continue till ten," it's only seven, how do you manage that? I shake my head, and fix my grip on the little boy in my arms.

"Mommy, pwease stop sing? I wanna hug you," Blue stretches for his mother, and she takes him. I free her of the microphone, and place it onto the table.

"Are you sure?" She's so hesitant. I nod and place my hand on her arm. She quirks a brow, "you don't need to worry, I'm not planning to sleep with anyone that knows you," so she noticed my jealousy? Damn, I can't hide anything from this woman!

"Sleep, Mommy?" I guess she forgot that Blue has ears. I smile widely, as he slips to the ground, and runs over to Jane.

"He'll be okay, she's my eldest," I tell Bethany. I hear loud voices coming from inside of the house, and become startled. Everyone must be accustomed to the racket by now, since there was one earlier too.

"What's that about?" Bethany asks, probably wondering if my family's an abusive bunch. Well emotionally, yes, we can be.

"Mary—" I remember that she went after her mother. I groan and head into the house, only to find Petah in a heated argument with Miss Hothead.

"You're such a fucking whore!" Mary screams, while the girl that Petah is with, sneaks out of the kitchen, probably deciding to leave. She seems to be the neighbor's nineteen year old daughter. Oh my fucking god. What was Petah thinking?

"Ask your mother what the definition of whore is, she's been fucking anything and everything, and you all encourage it!" Petah yells back. Bethany followed me in here, and I feel so embarrassed that she's hearing all of this. Just kill me now.

"Just because she doesn't want your sorry ass, doesn't mean she's a whore. You've been fucking around since I was born. You think I don't know?"

I realize that it's time to get between the argument. Stepping forward, Petah shoots a glare my way, before noticing Bethany behind me. Her already red face, reddens even more.

"You two stop," I rub my temple, as I place my hand on Mary's shoulder. She inhales a deep breath, as she looks at me with apologetic eyes.

Petah says, "I bet you've told her all the bad things about me. Does she even know that she'd have another sibling if you didn't get rid of it?" My face flushes, as I think back to my one night stand all those years ago.

"Wow, you're too angry to be around the kids, Petah. Please go somewhere, anywhere else but here. Please?" My voice is almost breaking. And Mary grips my arm with so many questions probably in her mind.

"Xo, I'm sorry, I—" Petah finally realizes that she's crossed the line. It's the stupidest thing that she can ever say to me, since I've told her about my abortion, and the baby's father in detail. She knows that I had every right to move on from that, and as she looks at the floor, I place my hand over my stomach.

I've never told the kids. And now, I just might have to. But not at this very moment, when Bethany stands only a few feet away from me. I say, "I think I'll call it a night. Thanks for the party, sweetheart. But I'm not feeling so well now," I hug Mary and leave the kitchen, Bethany following me. I stop by the stairs, and look into those blue eyes, consequently feeling better.

"That was intense," Bethany says, her forced smile still making my heart stop.

"Yeah, my ex can be a handful. Blue's with Jane?" Bethany nods, seeming to trust my kid with hers, "she'll be a great mom."

"And you'll be a great grandma," I can sense a hint of teasing. She shakes her head, "Happy Birthday, Xiomara," she leans in, and places a kiss on my cheek. My entire face tingles, as I place my hand on her waist subconsciously.

"I really like you, Bethany," I admit, surprising even myself, "but I have too much going on, and you don't need that in your life."

She smiles weakly, and steps back, my heart aching. Why must I ruin her hopes everytime?

"I understand," she doesn't seem too sad. Maybe she's been rejected enough to accept it.

I say, "enjoy the last moments of the party. I'm really going to call it a night."