10

I'VE NEVER been a person to stalk anyone, or obsess over them. In my youth, women always made the first move on me. It's never been the opposite. I've always been too shy, or too indecisive. It's difficult to tell if someone's into women or not sometimes. My gaydar isn't that great. Not at all.

I never imagined myself looking at Bethany's email, of her portfolio, to get her address. And most of all, I never expect myself to show up at her place, and park in front of her apartment building like I'm stalker-crazy. Should I go in? Is it a good idea? She knows I'm weird, but I doubt that she thinks I'm this weird. This frickin' girl makes me do things that I've never done before, or would ever consider doing. I've never even slept with someone on the first date. But I slept with her!

Leaning my forehead against the steering wheel, I think about those sparkling blue eyes. Is this mere infatuation that I have for her, or is it a bit deeper?

My phone begins to ring, and I look at the caller's ID. It's Petah. My blood begins to boil. I throw my phone into my purse, and get out of my car. Heading into the building, and finding the correct apartment, I press the doorbell, and wait patiently. I'm so anxious, and I don't know what to do with myself.

"Mommy, Mommy," I hear Blue's voice, and a smile immediately curves my lips.

I can hear him running, before a loud thump, and he begins to cry. I'm becoming worried, but when Bethany opens the door, with Blue crying against her shoulder, the most surprised look is on her face, "can I come in?" I ask, before she can say anything.

"Yeah," her tone is so low, as she moves to the side. Blue's eyes dart to mine, and he immediately squeals, and jumps out of her arms.

"Xo, Xo," he leaps into my arms, and almost tackles me to the floor. I'm laughing along with him, as I try to steady my balance, while lifting him up.

"You remember me, huh?" I begin to tickle his tummy, as Bethany closes the door. She looks at me for a moment, before heading over to the couch.

"Uh, huh," he brushes his thumb over my nose, before poking my cheek.

"I missed you too, sweetheart," he slips down to the floor, and takes my hand in his.

"Come," he guides me to the couch, and grabs a book from the floor to show me, "animals, Xo, Xo. You learn too?" He plops down on the floor, and opens the book, "sit," he pats the floor beside him.

I give Bethany a glance, and nibble on my lower lip. She doesn't seem too bothered by the intrusion, "I was just teaching him to spell," she says, as she brushes her hair behind her ear.

"Mommy, were did the Jars go?" Jars? I cross my legs beneath my bum, as I sit next to him.

"Giraffes," she leans down, and turns the pages for him.

"Jars," he repeats, causing me to hold in a giggle. Bethany shoots me a playful glare, as she runs her fingers through his hair. She kisses the top of his head, his blonde curls pressing against her lips.

"I'm only letting that slide because you're still a baby."

"Baby?" He pouts and tilts his head back, so that he could look at her, "Imma big boy, Mommy," my heart is melting at a hundred degrees. He's so adorable.

"You're my baby," she says. He sighs in defeat, as he looks at me. I pout and jut out my bottom lip, making him smile.

"Xo, Xo, naptime?"

I just got here. But if you sleep, then I'll get to talk to your mommy. I smile deviously, and pick him up.

"He's just trying to get out of me teaching him," Bethany doesn't seem to be against him going to bed.

"I'm sweepy, Mommy," he whines and clings to my shoulders. When I carry him into his room, he doesn't want to let go, "bedtimes, pwease? Pwease, Xo, Xo?" I nod, as I try to fit onto his small race car bed. Bethany's standing by the door, with her arms crossed over her chest, looking directly at me.

"Okay, sweetheart. Have you heard the story of the girl with very long hair?" He shakes his head, as I pull the covers over him. Rapunzel might do the trick.

"YOU'RE SO good with him," Bethany whispers, as we quietly head out of Blue's room. She leads me into the kitchen, and opens the fridge.

"He's as cute as a button. I've had two baby boys, remember?" She looks back at me, "I know how to handle them."

"You really do," she takes out a pitcher of water, and I lean against the kitchen counter, as I watch her pour a glass.

"Not going to ask me why I'm here?" I ask. I rub the back of my neck, as she hands me the glass, and grabs a beer from the fridge for herself. I quirk a brow, as she pops the cap.

"Let me drink this first," she leans the bottle to her lips, and downs about a quarter of it.

"Um, okay," my eyes narrow, as I look at her movements, and how flustered she looks.

"Xiomara," she looks at me carefully, "I know why you're here," I press my lips together. I don't even know why. Shrugging, she takes another chug, before wiping her lips with the back of her palm.

I could really use a glass of wine, "I'm not even sure why," I'm trying to be honest, but that isn't the complete truth. I'm here because I'm attracted to you, fascinated with you. I really want to get to know you. Bethany, I have feelings for you. But I don't say that. Instead, I take the beer bottle from her, and gulp down the rest.

"That's rude," she grumbles, as she retrieves another one from the fridge. I apologize with my eyes, and she sighs, "what are we going to do about this?" She asks.

I'm pretty sure that she's talking about our attraction for one another. I ignore her question, "it's rude of me to be here, or rude of me to finish your beer?"

She pops the cap, and hands the beer to me, "I haven't decided," I'm looking at her, and sipping on my beer. She seems to be thinking. What is she thinking about?

"You're in deep thought, I see," I say. She tilts her head to the side, and I place the bottle onto the countertop with the untouched glass of water.

"Xiomara, I'm restraining myself here," restraining? What does she mean by that? I step closer, but she steps back, and shakes her head.

"Bethany," I place my hand on her shoulder, but she moves away. There's so much doubt in her eyes, and is that fear that I see?

"You've made it clear that we should forget that anything happened. Why are you rehashing this?" I swallow and then look away, focusing my eyes on a random object. The toaster is the first thing that my eyes land on, and I inhale a deep breath.

Does Bethany make toast every morning? Does she like it a little burnt just like me? I like it smeared with butter, does she?

"I, uh," my throat's dry. And my thinking has drifted off to randomness.

"Is it because you still love her?" Bethany asks. That gains my attention, and I refocus my eyes on hers. That's what she thinks?

"No," I say calmly, easing the harshness in her eyes, "I don't love her."

"Then what's so complicated about your life?" I'm wondering the same. Is it because of the age difference that I'm so reluctant, or because I'm afraid of giving my heart away?

It seems so easy to fall for her, and I'm afraid of drowning in those blue eyes, where I could never recover, "I think I should leave," I turn to walk out of the kitchen, but Blue comes rushing in, with his arms stretched out.

"Xo, Xo," he leaps into my arms, and rests his head against my shoulder, as he begins to suck his finger.

"Did you have another bad dream?" His mother caresses his cheek, and her other hand gently rests on the small of my back. I feel a shiver run up my spine, and not even the cuteness of this little boy can hold back my emotions.

"Mommy, carties, pwease?" Carties? I rub his back, and follow Bethany into the living room. My eyes fall onto her cute butt and I gulp. Oh come on, you shouldn't be checking her out.

Bethany turns on the television, and I realize that he wants to watch cartoons. Resting him onto the couch, he holds onto my hand, and shoots me those big, green eyes. He's just like his mommy when it comes to that.

I sigh, and move onto the couch, allowing him to lay on top of me. He continues to suck on his thumb, and peacefully watches a cat and mouse fight on the screen. My eyes travel over to Bethany. She's sitting at the end of the couch, in front of my stretched out legs. She's so beautiful in my eyes. I don't understand the effect that she has on me, but it's not just because she's attractive. It's much deeper than that, and I barely know her... I want to get to know her, I really do.