chapter 55

Author's POV Timeline: Agathiyan takes Thulir to Nilgiris for a week to try to solve their issues.Agathiyan watched Thulir in the cozy, sunlit hall, where the aroma of fresh pastries and chocolates filled the air. She carefully sorted all the chocolates, cakes, pastries, and other goodies she had brought from the charming homemade shops in Ooty, along with the Mountain Honey. The sunlight streaming through the window cast a warm glow on her focused face. When she sensed his gaze, she looked up and saw him rolling his eyes."What's up with you now?" she asked with a teasing smile, turning her attention back to packing everything separately for each couple."I wanted to spend some time with my wife, but she decided to go on a family shopping spree," Agathiyan sighed, making Thulir chuckle as she placed the items into small, beautifully decorated baskets."Agathiya, we have kids in our family, and these homemade treats are much better than the preserved packed ones," she explained, her hands moving deftly as she tied ribbons around the baskets. "And as for your 'second honeymoon' plan, you forgot about my mensural cycle. Anyway, thanks for the rest—I needed it. Now I'm ready to tackle the tasks waiting for me. By the way, I've got taste samples of the sweets and pastries, and I've shortlisted some after consulting with others. We'll place the orders here for the upcoming big events. Also, Periatthai called and said they've decided to have the engagement and marriage on consecutive days next month. I hope you already know. I'll stay back at Revathi Illam to oversee things, and you'll have to manage the duo in the meantime. I don't want them taking a month off. Just bring them two days before the marriage, okay?" She looked up at him with a determined expression, and Agathiyan nodded. He got down from the sofa and sat on the floor, helping Thulir arrange the packs in the separate trolley. "Amudhan eh pana solalamla ma...already periya order lam eduka arambichutan laa"(We can ask Amudhan to handle this, ma. He's already taking big orders recently,) he suggested, carefully placing a box of pastries into the trolley.Thulir shook her head in denial, her earrings jingling softly. "Ila Agathiya athu saripattu varathu....Agni ku annan moraila avan tha pakathula nikanum fulla nu Cynthiya Athe expect panuvanga and athu sariyum kuda...Aparam intha order Amudhan edutha fulla athula focus panuvan functions la ala pudika mudiyathu soo ithu veliya tha kudukanum...also intha marriage mattum ilaye nama family la china chinna functions vanthute than irukum apo lam Amudhan thane sweets sections lam pathukuran already ithu pathi pesitein avanta infact he was the one who suggested me to try these shops here   (No, Agathiya, that won't be right. Cynthiya Atthe would expect Amudhan to be with Agni as an elder brother, and that's only fair. Plus, if Amudhan takes this order, he'll focus entirely on that and won't be able to participate in the functions. We need him to be present with the family, And you know we always have small functions here and there, Amudhan usually takes care of the desserts for those, and he won't mind this at all. I've already spoken with him about it. In fact, he was the one who suggested trying these shops here) she explained Agathiyan smiled knowingly, appreciating Thulir's foresight and understanding. She always considered these aspects before making any decisions, and her experience with each family member played a crucial role in her careful, calculated approach.After packing everything and setting it aside, Thulir sat beside him and leaned on his shoulder. He rested his head on hers, and there was a comforting silence. Soon, Agathiyan broke the silence and called her name."Thulir?" "Huh""Epadri huh?"(How di?)Agathiyan asked in a disbelieving tone, which made Thulir slowly look up at him. His dejected expression was hard to miss. She took a deep breath, feeling the weight of his emotions. The warm glow of the setting sun highlighted the concern etched on his face, making the moment feel even more intimate and serious."Ena kekanumo atha sariya kelu Agathiya"(Ask the question clearly Agathiya )Thulir said, and Agathiyan took a deep breath. He still couldn't forgive her for that specific decision she made in the past. Untangling himself from her, he sat facing her, finally deciding to have this long-overdue conversation."How?.......How you even thought about that when you clearly know how much I love you.....I could forget and forgive anything but that thought of you thinking I am capable of letting any other women in my life.....How? I.."He words blocked and looked at her with accusing eyes....Thulir took a deep breath and held his hands in hers"How? Because I was selfish as a mother. I wanted my daughters to have a loving mother who could give them all the love and a good upbringing. You have every right to punish me for that selfish decision I made, keeping my daughters in mind and ignoring you. I am ashamed of it, but I don't regret it. When you showed your anger through your silence, it kind of justified the decision I made. I convinced myself that dying would be better than surviving, as it would only make things worse for you, adding more burden on you. I thought the person I chose would handle you and the girls better than I could.""Thulir..."Agathiyan was about to object, but Thulir placed her palm over his mouth, stopping him, and shook her head."Let me finish, Agathiya. At that stage, when I needed others' help to do anything, I felt so weak both mentally and physically. The postpartum added more to those negative thoughts. I wasn't in my right mind; everything I thought led to my death. I couldn't think of surviving. I didn't find any reason to hold on. I truly believed that even if I survived, we wouldn't be the same as we used to be. I thought I would never be enough for you. I believed that maybe through her, you would be happy. Trust me, Agathiya, it wasn't an easy decision at all. Even the thought of it was killing me. I wasn't any saint or selfless person because I chose her, not any other woman who could possibly love you more than I did. She is nice and would surely be a good mother to my kids, but she wouldn't have tried to be the best wife to you. I did you an injustice in that sense. I was too selfish when it came to you, so I chose her, who wouldn't expect anything from you. You would have just had a namesake wife, and your love would have been only mine, just belonging to me, not anyone else. I don't know what might have happened if I truly died and she came into your life. You might have changed too, but I would have died with the certainty that she would never try to snatch your love for me, and you would be mine forever. I was more selfish than you can even imagine, Agathiya. Others might have considered me selfless and thought I loved you endlessly, which is why I chose a girl for you to marry after my death, so you wouldn't suffer alone. But I actually decided to give you the punishment due to my selfishness. Yes, you would have another woman in your life, but she wouldn't expect anything from you. You would still live with loneliness, with my thoughts. I know I am cruel to think like that, but I didn't find another solution. No one wanted to understand my perspective or tried to change it. Everyone just blamed me, and I was at my lowest."Her voice trembled and tears streaming down her eyes...."Why didn't you ask me then, Agathiya? Why didn't you fight with me? Why did you stay silent? I was losing my mind and rambling on, why didn't you stop me, slap me, and bring me back to reality? Maybe I would have stopped. I know you were more affected than I was, yet I couldn't help thinking about it this way. First, I blamed you, then I started blaming myself, and in turn, I hurt you. If you hadn't talked to me that day, I might have died within a few days—that's what I firmly believed. When you told me that you were exhausted and needed me in your life, I realized that while there was someone to take care of my daughters after my death, there was no one to take care of my Agathiyan. I had thought of giving you the worst punishment ever, yet I still doubted that I could ever be enough for you. That's why I asked you to kiss me. I know I scared you that day. I fell unconscious, but I heard your screams of pain, the screams of you thinking you had lost me. That traumatized you, and even after my recovery, you kept your distance. Again, I hurt you because of my insecurity and self-doubt, thinking I wasn't desirable enough for you. I punished you too much; I tortured you, but still, you didn't hate me. You thought I would hate you because of your actions and brought me here to resolve it. Yes, I am selfish, but I also have a good side, and that's why I decided to stop torturing you and stopped fighting for myself. "Thulir buried her face in his chest and sobbed....