chapter 19

“She said ‘I love you.’” I reply, walking away from the window and towards the bed and I sit down next to him.“Your wife proclaiming her affection towards you shouldn’t be something that would make you feel this disturbed.” If his ignorance hasn’t made me feel bad before, it just did.I wouldn’t say I blame him, though. We have been in brief contact since I got back. In fact, we haven’t been friends for the last four years, not after he accused me of sleeping with Taylor, who was still then his girlfriend behind his back and broke Taylor’s heart. Since I came back into the country, I felt hurt by Taylor and I developed resentment towards him; he was the guy that hurt and broke Taylor’s heart and he was the one Taylor still chose over me. I kept my distance from them and have disclosed little information about himself to Rory well until now.I needed my best friend just as much as he needed me, and I know I have to tell him the truth about everything.“She’s not re–really - I’m not - we are not -” I sigh, “we aren't married we are, not really, but we shouldn't be.”“I’m not following, Keenan. You would have to explain.” He tells me calmly.And so I spend the next thirty minutes narrating the unfortunate tale that led to the union that Vary and I now share, and the look on his face isn’t one that I haven’t seen before.He seems to picture everything that I’ve explained to him mentally. “So you mean it was an arranged/business marriage like mine and Paris?” He finally asks.“No!” I answer in an instant. “you and Paris knew what you were doing, we didn’t. We got drugged or drunk so we just fooled around, and a few sessions of hot make-out and then got naked and married.” I reply, keeping it as clean as I can.He shrugs indifferently, “Still the same thing.”I rub my face hard and spoke in a defeated voice. “I don’t know what to do. She shouldn't have fallen in love with me? We agreed to live together for six months and then go our separate ways and it’s barely over a week and here we are!” I throw my hands up in defeat. “Why would she even fall in love with me?”“It’s obvious,” his eyes piercing as they look at me, “her heart sees what you refuse to see, your goodness. You probably only see your ass.”I angrily glare at him, although I can’t bring myself to get mad at him. “Truth is, I don’t want to hurt her, but I fear that’s what I’m going to do because I may never love her in return.” I bury my head in my palms.“Never is a hard word,” he reminds me.“That’s how hard it is for me to fall for her, Rory.” I honestly reply. The thought of moving on already hurts my heart.Rory’s hand touches my shoulder and softly squeezes it making me look up at him. “Are you still... You know..?”I know his question and as much as I want the answer to be no, it’s a yes. I’m still much in love with Taylor and I don’t think I’m going to get over her easily. It’s hard ignoring the one person who makes your heart beat faster and even though I know we will never work in this life, my heart just keeps hoping.You can only give the heart to someone when it’s yours to give, right? My heart hasn’t been mine for the past four years, so I can’t even give it over to another.And no matter what I tell myself, I am still not over Taylor Snowfall.I nod. “Yes, I just can’t seem to get over her and even up till now, I still haven’t. I’m sorry Rory,” I apologise, feeling ashamed of my feelings.He shakes his head, “It’s okay and you shouldn’t apologise for how you feel. It’s not your fault. I loved Ginger for almost a decade and although she hurt me and broke my heart, I still kept hoping, along the line, I let her rule me even when she wasn’t near and that almost made me lose everything.” He gets up, “my choice kept me in a cage and I hurt many people and I don’t want that happening to you too, Keenan.”I shake my head in discontent, “It’s so hard to be me and I don’t want Vary paying for my mistake or worse, hurting her.”He walks to the window and pulls the curtain away to stare afar off, “I think you already hurt Miss Klean.”“What do you mean?” I ask, my eyes heeling him.He turns from the window to me, although leaning heavily against it, “Well, according to what you just told me, you are Vary’s first, right? And she loves you.”“Yes, that’s all true,” I confirm his words with a nod because I had told him all this earlier. “How did I hurt her?” I ask in my confusion.“By not being beside her when she woke up.”“Sei cosi confuso (You are so confusing)” I lament.“Sono io? (Am I?) or are you the confusing one?” He demands with a serious look.“How am I the confusing one when it seems you’re just joking with me?” My brow rises questionably.He walks to the bed and resumes his previous seat. “No, I’m not, man. Almost everyone wants to wake up and find their first beside them. I did with Ginger, and it broke my heart to wake up and not find her beside me the next day. That’s all I’m saying.”I smirk, “Maybe she left because you were gross and performed poorly in bed.” I tease, making a weird face at him and he laughs, picking up the pillow on the bed and throwing it at me.“Maybe.” He shrugs, still chuckling “it was my first time, it was not meant to be the best, but it hurt waking up and not finding Ginger beside me and you say you don’t want to hurt her, but I think that you already have.”This makes me feel like a horrible person now, Vary doesn’t deserve this, I’ve always known that she deserved someone better than me, and I wasn’t dumb to the fact that she disliked the way I was with her a lot, but after last night, I may have given her a reason to hate me even more.Vary is the last person I want to hurt and like she said, all I’ve done since I came back was hurt her. “What should I do now?”“Go talk to her and apologise.”Vary’s POVA knock comes softly on my door and I get up from the bed and walk to the door which is easier said than done. I open it and as I do, I see Keenan standing there, wearing a Navy blue hoodie and black jean trousers, with his head bowed. My grip on the doorknob hardens and the beat of my heart increases instantly.“What do you want?” I mildly ask, although deep down I know how hurt and vulnerable I’ve become by just being in his presence alone.He presses his lips into a thin line, “Vary,” he says and I shake my head, not willing to hear his voice say my name or give me one of his stupid replies.I don’t want to even hear his voice.“Just stay away from me.” I push the door to close it up, but he puts out his hand, so the door doesn’t slam shut. I don’t want to see him and I walk towards my bed, still tired and worn.“Vary—” he calls after me.I cut him off and turn to him. My face is red with anger. “It’s Varisha Klean, for you! The only people worthy of calling me Vary are my friends or at least people I care about and you’re not one of them.”His jaw tightens as his teeth clench. “I’m sorry, Vary-sha, I shouldn’t have left as I did two days ago, at least not after what happened between us.”At his words, memories of that night rush back into my mind. Keenan wants nothing more than to please and make me feel wanted. I remember his lips on me, his tongue tasting me, his fingers stroking, trailing my skin and going into me. I remember him completely claiming me and I wanted nothing but to be owned that way by him.He made me feel happy, loved and beautiful with his words and touch and it was perfect until I woke up and he already left with no word or explanation or even the guts to tell me what it was I did wrong.It hurt so much and I spent the first hour of waking in tears, but what did I expect? He only did what he did because I asked him to, not because I meant anything to him.I wish the pain in my chest every time I tell myself Keenan isn’t mine would leave, though, but it never does.“Why are you apologising?” I ask, crossing my arms over my chest, trying to shield my heart.“For leaving.” He replies, finally having the gut to look into my eyes.I look away immediately though because I feel myself growing weak. “No need to apologise. You have always been leaving, Keenan, remember? Four years ago? Last week? You never were around!”He was always the absent one, and he didn’t need to apologise. I should get used to it now.He moves towards me, “I know I get it.” I move back when he gets incredibly close to me. “What I don’t get is how you can know how I am and act and still fall for me!”My breath cut in my throat and I turn away from him and walk further into the room, hoping to go as far away from him as possible. How did he find out? Oh, heavens, he wasn’t supposed to find out; it was supposed to be my dirty secret, one I hope to clean up soon. “I- I am not in love with you,” I answer, not bothered to look up at him.He already knows when I lie.He takes three solid steps toward me, only stopping when he’s standing in front of me. My heartbeat doubles and my hands ball into a forceful fist as I stand close to him. His hand crawls up to my face and tilts up my chin so I am trapped, looking into his eyes. “Look into my eyes and tell me that then maybe I’ll believe you.”I bite my lips as I fight not to look away from his eyes. “No, I don’t love you, Keenan Hilton. I felt overwhelmed by what we shared and I intended to say I love you for that.”“Okay.” He nods and smiles softly before taking a step back. “I decided on my way back and I think it’s best if you move away.”I think my heart stops beating when he says this and I almost lose my balance on the ground. I can’t go back to the way I was ‘cause I already love him, something I did not feel before. “What do you mean by that?”“It’s obvious we can’t live in the same house, Vary-sha, not the way we are.” He gently explains like I know he will. “We are not good together. You’re good wherever you are, but I’m bad, very bad.”If the situation were different, this could have been the dirtiest line he ever used on me.I run my hand through my hair, “But I just told you, I’m not in love with you”He smiles and walks towards the door. “I heard you the first time, but I don’t believe you. Both of us need space and, as you might clearly and already know, I want you, and that’s just it. I want to have sex with you and I will continue having sex with you, giving nothing back. I know it is selfish, but that’s what I want and you deserve better than that.”He pulls the doorknob and opens it when I speak up. “What if I don’t want to deserve better?” I ask as I walk closer to him. I know this is a dangerous path I’m treading, but I can’t help it. “And what if I want you to be selfish with me?”I slowly take his hand off the doorknob and places them on my waist. “You deserve better than that, Vary-sha and we both know it.” He confesses with sincere eyes.I place my finger on his lips, “Shh. I want you and if we both want each other and can’t have each other, what’s more selfish than that?”“Vary -“I kiss his protest back into his mouth and I let my tongue caress his and my hand runs a faint line down his chest to the helm of his hoodie and on to his body and run my hand over his chest and he makes a shaky sound before kissing me back hard on my lips, welcome and sucking my tongue into his mouth more.I unzip the hoodie and he shrugs it off and tosses it to the ground. We do the same to the rest of our clothes and we fall into bed, both of us fighting to take over control and eventually, Keenan wins and he pins me to the bed.He does nothing for the first few seconds, his eyes just search mine inquisitively and I can’t help asking. “What?”“We are both going to regret this aren’t we?” He asks, a brow rising.I nod with a grin, “Yes we are so going to, but I rather later than now.”With that, I pull him closer and crash my lips on his and he takes me into a world of endless passion.As I wake up, I notice Keenan is no longer in bed and neither is there any trace of him in the room. And my heart clenches in pain. This is what I’ve fallen to a desperate, horny, not-really-wife person. What happened to the control I had over myself, my body, for the past twenty-four years?I’m giving my all to someone that might never want to give me his all. How do I deal with that? I know I can’t live like this and neither can I live without him, and that’s a sad truth. I’ve grown to know and no matter how I convince myself, I can’t let him go and that’s a problem.I pull myself up and walk and then I feel the ache on every side of my body down to my legs and I sigh, knowing how easy it is to have a reminder of Keenan and wondering if he has a reminder of me too.I open the door to the bathroom and there Keenan is resting on the bathtub I gasp in fear and at the sound; he turns to look at me..Â