Chapter Twelve

Lance

I have already accepted the fact that my life would consist of nothing but ordinary. I guess, coming from my very own perception of life and the list of all galvanizing events that I've experienced, it's just right to say that sadly, I peaked in high school. And that is it for Lance Anderson. Both of the best and the worst years that I've experienced in my entire life just occurred way back in high school and right now I am nothing but a log floating adrift in the ocean ostensibly with no direction at all. In the last five years, I would say that college was a black gap in my life, there's nothing really that interesting or enthralling that happened to me. I basically glided in the background like a Christmas tree promptly putting all of my achievements from being crowded. I've lost interest in giving the best performance as if tomorrow's the end of the world.

Everyone had probably gone on their own way to conquer the world. Some of them are probably on their way to become a CEO, maybe some of them are already on their sixth step to becoming a Defense Attorney, and I'm sure three of them have already started their own business and yet all the while here I am stuck inside my own bedroom hugging my guitar. Other than music, there's really nothing that's giving me a reason to live. I heard Dominic flew to Singapore two weeks after graduation and that was the last time that I've ever heard of him. He might've already found someone that defines special there, someone to replace Valentine inside his heart. Back in high school, I basically had all the chances to make him mine after what happened at that unforgettable night but I chose not to grab that opportunity. You can call me a coward, a pussy, or anything you might want to call me but the reason why I let the chance fly away is that I saw the way he looked at Valentine. He was tearing up so bad but I can clearly see through him and how much he truly loved Valentine. I really wished it was me but it wasn't. It could've been me after that but what do you know, I chose not to be that person. My pride got the best of me and I ended up choosing not to be the second option. I chose not to be the rebound. I chose not to be the vulture who comes swooping in at the very end. I saw how destroyed both Valentine and Dominic were after that. They were visibly devastated even when they tried to wear their best smile in the middle of the crowd, they still appeared to be more than wrecked inside. Dominic looked scourged during his graduation speech and it was extremely painful for me to watch that. I think everyone noticed that one glimmer of pause in between sentences, that one hard swallow after every pause, that one tear that cascaded down his cheek which is clearly not a tear of joy but a tear of pure sorrow. It was excruciating that my selfishness got this far and it even went beyond when the news of Valentine trying to take his own life reached me. I didn't like the guy but I never wished something like that to happen to him. That's the moment that I've realized they truly loved each other and that I was the villain. Of course, I was the villain. I was just too caught up with wanting someone to love me back the way I love them that I did everything that I can do to stop them from being in love.

"I'm growing impatient darling. When will you bring someone home? I don't care if it's a girl or a boy as long as they love you, I'm at peace with that" My mom sat across the table looking at me as I pulled the chair so that I can seat. The wrinkles on her face seemed lighter because of the lighting that's hitting her face.

"What do you mean?" I replied as I began to munch the chicken wings that she ordered for us. I knew what she meant but I just don't want to talk about it right now.

"Your brother just got married a few months ago and your sister is already pregnant to her second child. I'm just concerned about you, Lance. I don't want to leave you alone in this cruel world" My mom went on.

She's not my real mom, blood doesn't connect us in any way but small moments like this showed how much she truly loved me more than I loved myself that she will do everything just to make me happy. I guess I'm super blessed to have her as my mom more than my real mom who abandoned me.

"Mom, don't worry, I'm a grown man now. I can look out for myself"

"Yeah, I know that darling, you've been looking out for yourself even before we found you but who's going to love you, who's going to take care of you, who's going to lay in bed with you at night and wake up right there beside you the next morning?" My mom continued and I wished it was that easy to find that person who would be there to love me.

Ever since prostate cancer took my dad's life two years ago, mom has become wary about us, especially me. She keeps on telling me to find someone so that when she follows dad in heaven she will be at peace leaving her children happy.

"I mean, you're still here mom, alive and kicking. I wouldn't exchange that for anything and my wish is for you to live a lot more longer" I transferred right beside her. What she's telling me is pinching my chest. It is true, I'm about to grow old alone.

"I doubt that. I feel like I'm about to die in a week"

"Don't joke about that mom"

"I'm already seventy-one and I'm nothing but a dead woman walking"

"Stop it, mom, it's not funny" I spat.

"I just want to see you bring home someone. I mean, you've never brought someone home ever"

"So if I bring home someone then you'll be okay, you'll stop asking me to find someone?"

"I guess so"

It was already 7:30 pm when we were finished eating. I hugged my mom and kissed her goodbye before going to my Saturday night gig. It was already a full house when I arrived at the bar where I'm about to play. My bandmates arrived one by one and we had some drinks while waiting for our number. After two hours it was finally our turn.

Heartbeats fast

Colors and promises

How to be brave

How can I love when I'm afraid to fall

But watching you stand alone

All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still

Beauty in all she is

I will be brave

I will not let anything, take away

What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day, waiting for you

Darling, don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years

I'll love you for a thousand more

After singing that one sad song, one of my band members handed me a folded paper along with a big cash tip. They really made sure that I have to sing this song that's why they tipped a lot for it. I unfolded the paper and saw the title of the song. Lucky Strike by Troye Sivan. A sudden rush of pang hit me in my chest. I remember this song. I haven't heard this song in five years but my memories are still very much able to remember all of the things associated with this song. Vincent and I used to listen to this song back when we were still together. No shit but this is one of the happiest days of my life. Vincent loved playing this song while we were making out somewhere. What a coincidence that someone requested this song.

Oh, I want to know just how to love you

The jewel of California

Oh, I want to skip stones on your skin, boy

And drown me in your water

It was just the first stanza but it was already hard for me to sing this song. It's like everything came back rushing like a tsunami. The joy, the pleasure, the sorrow, the pain. All at once.

And my boy like a queen

Unlike one you've ever seen

He knows how to love me better

A hit of dopamine, higher than I've ever been

He knows how to love me better

The taste of Vincent's lips. The warmth of his breath. I felt them. It's almost as if it only happened yesterday. They were fresh.

'Cause you're safe like springtime

Short days, long nights, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

'Cause you taste like Lucky Strikes

You drag, I light, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

I closed my eyes to feel him back to me. I missed him so much.

Oh, I wanna tip toe through your bliss, boy

Get lost the more I find ya

Oh, don't wanna miss a second of this, boy

Hold tight and love me longer

And my boy like a queen

Unlike one you've ever seen

He knows how to love me better

(He knows how to love me better)

A hit of dopamine, higher than I've ever been

He knows how to love me better

'Cause you're safe like spring time

Short days, long nights, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

'Cause you taste like Lucky Strikes

Vincent Grande. The first soul to ever show me how to love and be loved back. I kept him inside a special place inside my heart and this song, the words and the melody of it is forcing me to open that special box.

You drag, I light, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

Breathe me in, exhale slow

Take me to anywhere you wanna go

Breathe me in, exhale slow

Take me to anywhere you wanna go

'Cause you're safe like springtime

Show days, long nights, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

'Cause you taste like Lucky Strikes

You drag, I light, boy

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways to love you

Tell me all the ways

Tell me all the ways

(Tell me all the ways to love you)

(Tell me all the ways to love you)

(Tell me all the ways to love you)

I opened my eyes after spitting the last note and found myself back to reality. I wish I could live a little bit longer with those old memories of Vincent but I still have a lot more songs to sing. After the last song, we fixed our things and retreated backstage to where I was surprised to see Vincent. At first, I thought I was just dreaming, plausibly hallucinating for some reason but then I approached him and he's very much real.

"Hi," Vincent said awkwardly.

"Hi" I almost choked at the sight of my first love. He looked much more mature than the last time I've seen him. His muscles were buffer, his hair was now styled much to my liking, his smile though, it was still the same smile that I used to see every day. "What are you doing here?"

"I came here to see you" He replied and my heart skipped a beat. "I've missed you" The smell of vodka instantly kicked my nostrils when he whispered to me but none of that matter. I wanted to kiss him right here right now but I know from the pain to stop easily giving in from my emotions.

"It's been five years" I trailed. "But I've missed you too"