Chapter 45

Sometimes something happens so quickly and unexpectedly that your mind doesn't quite have time to process it. It's almost like your mind shuts down and start thinking about stupid things. For instance, once when I was about nine years old, another car sped into my mom and me, hitting my side of the car. Luckily I was in the back and my mom wasn't going very fast. We got out of the car without any bruises. The window didn't even break. I remember my mom complaining later that night that she had whiplash. I found the word whiplash funny for some reason. Almost like it should not have been a word. But that wasn't the funniest thing at the time.

When I was nine I was obsessed with two things. Anything to do with dinosaurs, and the song Titanium by David Guetta, which could have been because my mom loved the song as well. My mom still burned mixed CD's back then, and she would always put that song first and last on every album she made. I remember that I looked up towards my left hand side. I could see the car coming for us, but I froze. I could not say a word. But I knew I was going to die. I have no idea why I even had a concept of death at that age, but I knew the car would hit us and this was my last moment. And all I can remember thinking was how glad I was that Titanium would be the last song I would be hearing as I die.

Both me and my mom survived and I have never played that song since. But I have wondered, had it really been my time to die, would I have seen my life flash in front of me like the movies make it out to be? Or would I have seen what I could have been, had I lived longer? Do seconds come to a halt and a ghost of your life, past, present, and future visit you at that moment? Or is a stupid thought the one you make your last bow with? A thought so insignificant as being thankful for a certain song playing?

"Are you shot?" I ask E.J. as I pat down his body, touching him everywhere I can, rubbing my fingers against each other with every pat I give him to make sure my fingers aren't wet and sticky from his blood.

He doesn't answer, but looks at me with tears streaming down his face, his entire body trembling and shaking uncontrollably. Looking down at my hands, I see I am doing the same.

The ringing in my ears are unbearable, but I wish it was worse so that I could block out the screaming and crying around me, and the sound of sirens somewhere outside coming closer. I notice that the music had died down and there is more light in the club than what there was before the shots were fired.

"Where's Grace?" I ask, but E.J. has already answered my question by grabbing me by the hand and starting to pull me towards the stage, pushing past people, and stepping past bodies covered in blood, making it almost impossible to decide which ones were still alive and who was merely injured. My eyes, like his, focussed on the stage where Grace is crouching, and Will is sitting in a pile, screaming Cameron's name over and over again.

The beautiful pink dress is covered in red liquid that has been displaced onto both Will and Grace, her white blouse with its frills, hanging damp against her as if she held Cameron against her. The blotches of blood everywhere on Grace's shit almost looks like flowers against the white, and Will's bloody hands seemed to have found his face at some point, leaving red streaks over his forehead and right cheek.

Someone who has been shot doesn't look like in the movies, where they are lying there almost peacefully, speaking to the loved ones surrounding them. Cameron's face is scrunched up in pain, his breathing loud and erratically coming out is small coughs as his eyes frantically jump around, almost like he is looking for someone but they are moving very fast in front of him.

"Holy fuck," are the only words I get out as I let go of E.J's hand, almost falling down next to Will, instinctively wrapping my arms around him, making him grab onto me, pulling the shirt I am wearing in his hands so tightly that it feels like it might rip off my body.

"Cameron!" he lets out another howl like a wounded animal as he lets go of me, and crawls closer to Cameron, pushing his hands onto the wound, then pulling them away and starts moaning in agony again as he pushes his hands through his hair before wrapping it around himself as if it would still the pain he is feeling inside.

"Brody!" Grace almost shouts. "I need pressure on the wound! Now! Take of your shirt!"

I look at her, almost mesmerized, trying to comprehend what she is telling me to do. It's like I can hear her, and understand her, but my brain doesn't want to send the signal to the rest of my body.

"Brody!" she yells again, which jerks my body into action, making me pull my shirt of, scrunch it up, and push it against where I am guessing Cameron's wound might be, although it's difficult to know through all the blood and frills underneath my hands.

"More pressure," Grace says a bit softer this time as she takes Cameron's head and leans it on her lap.

As I push harder onto Cameron's wound, he starts to breathe a bit easier, his eyes a little less frantic.

"Will..." Cameron mutters.

"He's here sugar, just here," I hear Grace saying as she ushers Will closer to Cameron.

"I'm here," Will answers through his tears, putting his hands on either side of Cameron's face, staining his face with blood. "I'm here... I love you... I love you..."

Will's sobs tears through me, making me search for E.J. with my eyes, only to realize that he is hugging me from behind, almost like a monkey sitting on my back. I don't know when he started hugged me, but I am glad he is doing it. Knowing he is right here somehow gives me strength.

I look around the room, trying to see if any help has arrived yet, but all I can see is people moving around, heading towards the exit, crying and full of blood. Here and there people are still on the floor, some of them have other people huddled close to them, very much the same as what we are on the stage. Through the ringing in my ear which seems to be a bit softer than before I can hear Will telling Cameron he loves him over and over again.

"Sugar... I don't thinks he's gonna make it," Grace says in the background of my mind. "You need to say what you need to say."

I try to think of what I need to say, only to remind myself that she is talking to Will.

"I don't... Cameron's gonna be okay..." Will says, looking first at Grace and then at me, almost as if he wants us to confirm what he had just said.

"Sugar. Maybe. Maybe he will be okay, but just in case," Grace says. I look at her, tears streaming down her cheeks, but I cannot help admiring her bravery and how she is still keeping a cool head.

"It's just in case?" Will asks. He looks like a little boy. I can imagine him being only six years old with the innocence in his face and quivering voice.

"Yes sugar," Grace answers, reaching her hand out to him and taking his. "Just in case."

It feels to private a moment for me to be a part of it, as I watch Will bend down and kiss Cameron on the forehead, which makes Cameron give a sigh and whisper Will's name once more.

"I need you to...I need you to hold on baby..." Will stammers through his tears, his hand finding Cameron's and holding it tightly. "I need you... I love you... I haven't said it to you yet, but you saved me... You are... Oh fuck Cameron... You are my purpose... You are my reason... You're my fucking everything... You can't die on me..."

He pulls his hand out of Grace's and wipes away his tears, leaving bloody streaks under his eyes.

"Look at me Cameron... Look at me baby... You are gonna get out of here... We are gonna get married... Fuck Cameron... Baby... It's just you and me... It's us... We are the fairytale..."

Will takes a deep breath, closing his eyes for the moment before opening them again.

Cameron gives a small cough again, his eyes becoming frantic again, but I am scared to increase the pressure on his chest.

"Hold on baby... Hold on... Help is coming... They are coming... I love you Cameron... Don't leave me... Just hang on... I love you... I love you so much... I love you..."

I feel Cameron's body spasm underneath my hands, and I move my eyes from Will to Cameron to see his eyes flicker for a moment, and then rest on Will as he softly breaths out.

I wait for Cameron to breathe back in again, but it doesn't happen. His eyes go glossy and it is as if the life disappears from them completely.

"Fuck Cameron... Baby... We can do this... We need to be strong... It's all going to be okay... We are gonna get married... We can adopt a kid... You are the only reason I'm here on earth... You are my reason for living... I love you Cameron... I love you baby... I fucking love you... Fuck Cameron... Just hold on..."

Every word coming through Will's mouth rips through me. I know he knows what I know, and when I turn to face Grace, tears streaming down her face, she only shakes her head slowly as she allows the tears to fall, her arms hanging limp beside her, Cameron's head still in her lap.

"I know you're gonna make it... Our love can overcome everything... I love you Cameron... I love you... You're my everything... Fuck Cameron... Just... Fuck... React... Please... Cameron... Cameron... Baby... I love you..."

"Will?" Grace says finally lifting her hand, placing it on the hand of Will's that's holding Cameron's hand. "It's over sugar. I'm sorry... It's over."

Will looks up at her, the sobs and continuous broken sentences stopping.

"No," he says.

"Yes sugar. Cameron's gone," Grace says, taking Will's hand more firmly and pulling him towards her, but he pulls back.

"No!" he screams. "No! No! No! No! No! NOOOOOO!"

"Oh sugar!" Grace shouts, her entire body starting to shake with sobs. "I know! I know!"

She pulls at Will again, and this time he allows her to pull him straight into her arms as the tears sweep over her face, the pain showing in her eyes, as she pushes his head against her breast, covering his ear with her hands as if she can block out the pain of the reality.

I finally let go of my shirt, becoming aware again of E.J. hugging against my bare back.

"It's not real," he mutters as I pull him around to face me. "It's not real."

"I love you E.J," I say, finally allowing myself to feel as the sobs start ripping through my body as I pull E.J. against me, pushing his face into my chest, both of us crying, wishing that somehow the pain could just end right now.

"I love you too," E.J. whispers into me, his words coming out raw and almost broken.

"I love you E.J," I repeat, squeezing my eyes shut, wishing I could shield myself from everything I have witnessed, and everything that is still to come in this life.