Chapter 35

I squint my eyes as the morning sun wakes me up through a small crack in the curtain. I can see the dust particles moving in front of the window, like little seeds, waiting for somewhere to land.

"Finally awake I see," Chris says from the kitchen.

I try and rub the sleep out of my eyes as I sit up, taking in the smell of bacon that's filling the air.

"And this?" I ask, looking over at the kitchen counter which seems to be stacked with everything from French toast, to bagels.

"Thought I'd thank you for taking care of me," Chris answers. "And kinda like an apology for being a real pain in the ass over the past week."

"It's fine. I told you, you had reason for being an asshole," I answer, smiling as my stomach immediately utters its disapproval of me not feeding it.

"Still... I didn't even really thank you for cleaning up this dump," Chris says as he lifts the bacon out of the pan and switches off the stove.

"Well, it's still a dump, but at least now it is a bit more of a homely dump. Plus, I never knew you could cook. I thought you lived on take-aways," I say as I get up from the couch and walk over to the kitchen. I don't bother putting on a shirt, just strolling over in my boxers.

It's become a thing between Chris and I, just two bro's walking around in their boxer shorts, being comfortable, watching movies on my laptop, and eating way too much pizza. Of course that's only been going on for a few days. Before that Chris had been a mess, cursing at everything, not being able to sit. And then he healed enough to not be in pain anymore, and before I knew what was going on, Chris kinda became a friend.

"Dig in," Chris says, pouring a glass of orange juice and putting it down in front of me. "There's coffee if you'd rather want that?"

"Juice is good," I answer, helping myself to some bacon and French toast. "There's enough here to feed an army."

"What's left over, is dinner," Chris answers as he stretches against the kitchen sink, making his muscles ripple.

I take a bite of the French toast and allow it to almost melt in my mouth before I start chewing.

"It's really good," I say.

"With a drunk mom, you need to start cooking quite early in life if you don't want to starve," Chris says, putting a piece of bacon into his mouth and starting to chew.

Over the past week or so, Chris has from time to time begun to mention some things about his past. Usually just one sentence, never elaborating too much, and if I asked questions he would clamp up completely. I've learned to just listen, acting as if I barely heard what he said. And when I do that, he usually gives me another bit of information in a while. It has put me in a bit of a difficult position however. In actual fact, it has been confusing me. One moment I want to put my fist through his face, and the next I see this little kid inside who just never really had love in his life.

"It's been a while since I saw E.J. I was thinking about seeing him today somewhere," I mention. It's been hard not seeing E.J. at all, hiding from his mother and the social workers she might set onto me. "Luckily not that long then I won't be a ward of the state anymore."

"We could try and invite E.J. for a sleep-over. His mom won't mind me seeing him," Chris says, taking another bite of his toast.

"Yeah... That could work."

It's not like I don't appreciate Chris' offer. It's just that I really want to spend some alone time with him actually. I want to just be with him, sit near him. Hear him breathe.

"Well then, you'd better get dressed. I'm sure E.J. would not appreciate your bed-head," Chris says with a smirk as he turns around and walks to what he calls his room.

I sigh as I put some more bacon into my mouth, trying my best to plan my day.

I pull out my phone.

Brody: I NEED to see you today!

It doesn't take long for the reply to come through.

E.J.: It might be difficult. Mom is hovering. She thinks you're gonna kidnap me again. ;)

Brody: I can sneak over to your place? Even just 5 minutes? Does she never leave the house anymore?

E.J.: She said something about groceries today. Will keep you posted.

Brody: Cool. I just need to see you.

E.J.: You are beyond sweet!

I push the phone into my pocket just as Chris emerges again, this time he walks up really close behind me and puts his hand on my shoulder.

"Can I tell you something?" Chris asks.

I turn around, barely a few inches away from him, when I answer, "Sure."

"It's really been a big help to have you here. I mean, I'm barely drinking at all. I feel better. And the apartment looks amazing. You're actually kinda amazing," Chris says, a smile playing around his mouth.

"Well you're pretty amazing too when you feel like being it," I answer, as I give a smile and get up from the chair, heading towards the living room. Before I can however move more than two steps Chris takes me by the arm, making me turn around and face him. His nose inches away from mine.

"Yes..?" I ask, trying to break the silence, as well as the smile on Chris' lips.

"Nothing..." he answers as he keeps my eyes captured by his.

"Nothing?" I ask.

"Nothing," he answers.

The seconds feel like they are going on forever, until finally Chris blinks and brings his face closer to mine.

It feels like an explosion in my head as the blood rushes through my body. His warm lips on mine. His tongue, flicking in and out of my mouth as his hand rubs up and down the side of my arm. And even though everything in me is screaming to push him away and run for the hills, my body, my need for physical contact, and wanting to be loved, leans into him. Allows him to move his one hand up to my hair as the other hand falls over the lower side of my back, pushing me even closer into him.

I know my eyes are closed, even though I can see everything happen, almost like from a third person perspective, as he kisses down my jawline, and into my neck, bringing his lips to a halt at my earlobe which he sucks on.

"E.J. would never be able to make you feel this good," he whispers, and it is his voice that breaks the spell.

It's his voice that makes me push him away.

It's his words that make me look at him in horror as he stumbles and almost falls onto the floor.

It's the look of hatred in his eyes that make me wipe my lips as I fight the tears that reminds me of what I have just done.

"I hate you," I whisper back as I back slowly towards the door, keeping him in my vision as if he will turn into a monster at any second if I don't keep him in view.

When I finally feel the doorknob behind me, open it, and slip out into the cold hallway with its cement floors, the door slamming behind me; I start to cry.

For a moment I just allow the tears to stream down my face, wanting to punch myself in the face, but when I hear Chris from behind the door, on his way to the hallway as well, I get up and bolt.

As the fresh air hits my face, I gasp.

I take a moment to look around me. The buildings. The beggar on the corner. The little coffee shop across the street, where teenagers seem to walk in and out without a care in the world.

I take my phone out of my pocket, as I walk into a seemingly unknown direction, and dial his number.

"Hi handsome," E.J's voice rings on the other side, making me want to choke and vomit at the same time.

"I really wanted to see you today," I whisper into the phone. "But something came up now. And I... I might need to take a few days for myself. Just think. Just kinda be by myself you know."

I inhale deeply as I walk by a kid struggling to hold his balance on a skateboard, wondering that if I practiced more in life, like this kid probably would, if I could get better at balancing life.

"What's wrong Brody?" E.J. asks, and it breaks my heart as I hear the concern in his voice. He should not be concerned about me. I am not the one getting hurt. I am the one hurting him.

"I just need some space. Away from Chris. Away from everything," I answer.

"Is it because of my mom? Because we haven't seen each other in a while? I could sneak out you know. I can tell my mom I'm visiting Chris. She won't mind you know. I just didn't want to overdo the Chris thing. I didn't want her figuring out where you are," E.J. says, his voice sounding pleading like that of a little boy asking when he can have a sweet.

"No. Nope, nothing like that. I just need to make a decision, and Chris is getting to me," I answer as I touch my lips where Chris kissed me not even ten minutes ago.

"Okay... Anything I can help with?" E.J. asks.

"Nope. Not really. Just need to make some decisions about the future."

"But you will call me, right? Or message me at least?" I hear E.J's voice getting even softer on the other side of the phone.

"Sure. But if I chat a little bit less than usual, it's not about you. You didn't do anything wrong," I say.

"Okay..." E.J. sounds on the other side.

"I gotta go. And E.J... Love you," I say, already bringing the phone away from my ear.

I am just in time to hear him faintly say; "You too," when I kill the call.

I look around me once more, with no idea where I am. Somehow I have ended up in an alleyway between two apartment buildings, and I have no idea why I didn't realize it sooner, since the place reeks.

I scrunch up my nose at the trash cans as I start making my way back to the street when I hear a soft, high pitched whine behind me.

I stop in my tracks, trying my best to listen to where it is coming from until I hear it again.

And there, between black bags, filled with garbage...

"What are you doing here little fella?" I ask as I crouch down in front of him.

I look at him as he slowly makes his way to my hand that I am stretching out towards him. I can see every single rib, the ticks that cover his body, caking around his eyes. He looks sad. And hungry, and quite terrified as he looks up at me with his big brown eyes.

I don't think twice before I take off my hoodie and cover his little black and tan body in it as I pick him up.

"You're an old fella, aren't you?" I ask, looking at the gray hair around his mouth. "Now who would allow a little dachshund like you to get into a state like this, or were you also abandoned."

Almost as if he understands me, he reaches out his head, and licks me right on the lips, making my nose scrunch up again.

"Damn buddy, that's some death-breath you've got going there," I answer. "But I love you too."

I walk out of the alleyway with him in my arms, looking down at his perfect little face, knowing that now I won't be quite as alone anymore. And neither will he. At least, no matter how much we both screw up, we will at least have each other.