Chapter 23

It was like the cold somehow reached into the RV with every single mile that we drove up North. Sure, I knew we were heading closer to the North Pole than what I had ever been, and yet I wasn't exactly craning my neck to see reindeer prancing in the snow, or Santa Claus returning, exhausted from his one-day-a-year job; because let's face it: he is lazy as shit. For 364 days he probably sits on his ass in front of the fireplace and make the elves do all the work, and then for working one night per year he takes all the glory, which is just another perfect example of how the world works.

I feel like I have bared myself to E.J. so many times over, and there we were, in the back of the RV, his face so close to mine that I could see the two tiniest freckles on his nose that I had never even noticed until today, and then he said it first... He said what I had tried to tell him and make him believe that I truly do feel for what feels like fucking forever, just to have him say it first, making Cameron "Ahh" with tears in his eyes, breaking the moment and stealing away what could have been a kiss. And then... To top it all off, E.J. moved back to the front seat next to Cameron and started blabbering about Chris of all people!

I wanted the moment when we actually confessed our love to be perfect, and in my mind I want to delete the memory and make a new one. Even though this one was sweet, it has a tinge of bitterness that I just cannot get rid off.

"How far is it still!?" I try to scream louder than Britney Spears telling me to work if I want a Mazerati.

"Huh!?" Cameron shouts back at me, making E.J. turn around and smile at me as well.

"I said, how far until the next stop?!" I shout again.

"Not far! Another two or three hours, depending on traffic!" Cameron shouts back before he gets his eyes back on the road again where they belong, making E.J. also turn around, probably to change the song once more now that he has belted out the chorus at the top of his lungs yet again.

"I'm gonna fucking die back here," I mumble, pulling my hoodie tighter against my body, huddling up on what I guess must be where Cameron sleeps.

I might have been able to sleep, but with all the noise that wasn't even a possibility. I tried to drown their noise out with some old fashioned headphones and Spotify, but not even Alesana could manage to drown out the pop music coming from the front, which is a music genre I never identified with E.J., making me realize that maybe I still don't know him at all.

For what seemed like the first time in days I pulled my phone out of my backpack and switched it on, hoping with everything in me that the battery hadn't died. Sure, I had the cheap little phone with the new number I bought when I knew I was running away, but somehow not turning on my old phone with all the social media on it meant freedom for me. Freedom from the past, looming photos of my mom in my gallery, and most of all, the social media sites where I used to once post perfect pictures of myself; something I had not done since the acid hit my face.

It took seconds for the phone to come alive in my hand, and only another more seconds for notification after notification to come through. As I swiped one after the other to the right, clearing the home screen I just held it for a second. If this device could speak it would have said so many things. Sure, it wasn't exactly new, but because of some odd reason I have never felt the need to replace it. Maybe it was because it was the one thing that wasn't engulfed by flames when I lost everything that I ever held dear in my life. Maybe it was the one place I could escape to when my mom died.

I flick through the apps quickly, finding the one I am looking for and entering it. And there, between the many song lyrics I used to sing at the top of my lungs were the many entries I made late at night, laying in yet another strange bed and wishing that my mom was still alive.

I start typing, adding one more entry into the device that would probably be the only record of my life if I were to die today.

It had been five hours in the RV with another three left to go. I will not be in the United States anymore. I will not have to obey laws thought out by a President that is likened to a Cheeto. Within three hours every single tree, mountain, and body of water I will pass will be that of a different country, and I cannot help but wonder if that country will be more accepting. Could I also just become something new? Someone exciting?

Maybe I could change my name and audition for the lead in the Phantom of the Opera, which I know I will hate, but let's be honest, at least I am fitted perfectly to the part. A monster playing a monster. How prophetic it would be. I am sure the entire world will be on their feet. I can see the headlines now. The Phantom that plays the Phantom. Or maybe it would read; Voice overpowers the gruesome face of the phantom.

And somewhere in the background, just behind the theater there would be a piece of paper on the ground. Weeks of rain and sun would have made sure that it would be unlegible, and yet the words would still be alive. There would still be ten goals, written as a bucket list that I have left behind me. And now I need to wonder, do I want to?

Is love enough to prevail everything? Even my face? Would E.J. be the one to break the spell and fall in love with the Beast? But... I don't think fairy tales exists. No matter how many kisses he gives me, I will remain the Beast, never to be turned back into the Prince. I didn't have a witch put a spell on me, but rather a drunk piece of shit that could not control his dick, and I could not control my teeth, and then... Well let's just say that the rest is history and here I am.

I can't even say that I am sure that I am gay. I mean damn... Maybe I am just so lonely and horny that everything kinda goes at this point, and that would be unfair to E.J. if he really can see past my face and love the imperfect me for who I am.

Maybe I should try to remember the bucket list I wrote out again, and also remember why I wrote it in the first place. E.J. looks happy at the moment. The happiest I have ever seen him, and it is not me putting that smile on his face. It is Cameron.

"Hey handsome! What are you typing at such a speed?" Cameron shouts from the front of the RV, catching my eyes with his gaze in the mirror. I had not even noticed that the music was barely audible. E.J. must have gotten bored of all the pop ballads that had been playing.

"Just stuff," I mutter, watching to see if E.J. is also looking my way, but I can't even see him in the seat. Only a tuff of hair poking out the top confirms that he is still in the RV with us. "Why did you turn the music down?"

"E.J. wanted to catch a little nap before we get to Toronto. I promised to wake him just before we enter the city," Cameron says with a smile as his eyes dart between the mirror, looking at me and the road.

"Cool. I was thinking of taking a bit of a nap myself," I find myself saying, although I know it will be nothing more than a pretend nap. My head is in such a bad space that there is no way I would actually be able to get some real sleep.

"What were you typing? Looked like you were having a fight with yourself," Cameron pokes into my mind, and no matter what I try to do I cannot forget how easily I opened up to him that first night on the cold porch. It's like I have no guard when he's around.

"We all have to fight a battle at one time or another. Sometimes the hardest battles we fight is those with ourselves," I mumble loud enough for him to hear, but not so loud that I can make myself believe that it's true.

Sure, I like being honest to other people about who I am and what I feel. There is no need to live a fake life, and when you have a face like mine people are already so scared of you that nothing you can say or do truly shock them. They already expect the worst. Then again... I don't need to believe what I say. I can stay in ignorant bliss for as long as I want.

"It's about E.J. isn't it sweetness? I saw how y'all look at each other. He loves you and wants to be with you. You want him just as bad. Not one of you will say a word and make it offish though," Cameron says with another of his all knowing smiles, and even though this time want to believe what he is saying I cannot believe it. Not if I need to make it to number ten. I don't need E.J. to love me. I need him to hate me. Or at the very least feel nothing for me.

"E.J. is just a friend. And I know I'm straight," the lie slips over my lips so easily, as if I had said it a thousand times before. Knowing that only makes me realize I have told this lie a thousand times, only before I didn't know it was a lie.

Does a lie remain a lie even if you don't know it's a lie and you believe it to be the truth? If all lies are hurtful, could you hurt someone by telling them a lie you thought in your heart was the truth? I could feel a headache coming on.

"Yeah handsome. Something tells me there is a lot more to it. You kissed me remember. Straight guys don't normally kiss guys," Cameron answers, breaking my train of thought.

"In all respect... You look like a girl," I answer, trying to end the conversation even if it meant that Cameron would take offense to what I said.

"E.J. doesn't look like a girl and you've kissed him more than once. And we've talked Brody... We've talked a lot. Do you think I can't read between the lines? You're not confused. You're just as queer as I am," Cameron says matter of factly as he flicks the hair hanging in front of his one eye.

"Im not..." I begin to argue but he cuts me off.

"You're queer. And the sooner you accept it the better. You only feel confused because you've been lying to yourself, making yourself believe that you're something you're not."

He stops to draw breath and I just want to begin to argue with him again when he continues.

"Let's just be straight for a moment. And I don't mean straight as in bang little miss Betty down the road. I mean let's get real, and I know I am saying it in false eyelashes, but bare with me a minute. You will find every single excuse in the world to push people away from you because you think you are hideous. What you don't seem to grasp is that no amount of fucktup skin can hide how darn handsome you still are. I mean fuck! Sweetness, I would ride you till the sun came up if I was into that kind of shit. And you might think you are protecting E.J. by pulling him closer and then pushing him away, but all you are doing in the end is hurting yourself pretty damn badly."

I look at Cameron not even knowing what to say, hoping above everything that E.J. is really asleep before I breathe the words that I never wanted to say out loud, but that I can't keep in any longer either.

"I'm not gay, okay? But I ain't straight either..." I say, turning my head away from where Cameron can see my eyes. "You think I don't know what I am? I've known for a very long time. It's just... It sounds weird to say it... I don't think I have every said it..."

"Then fucking spew it out handsome!" Cameron shouts from the front, and I can only imagine the smile he must be having on his face.

"I'm... I'm... I'm pansexual."