Chapter 9

When you have been through many things in life you get to the point where the biggest obstacles suddenly look really small to you. And then, just as you think that whatever happens it can't make you react or feel any worse than you have ever felt, you are standing in front of a blue door, getting ready to knock and meet a person that will take all your strength not to murder.

"I don't know if I can do this," E.J. says looking at me like a little puppy that has been kicked. I know he wants me to tell him to turn around, but I have been thinking quite a lot. Maybe he needs this just as much as I need this trip. Maybe this is his version of the tenth sentence on my bucket list.

"Would you be able to go on with this trip if you turn around now?" I ask, and without planning it at all, I take his hand, snaking my fingers through his, wishing that I can in some way give him some of my strength and courage.

E.J. looks down at our hands and gives it a little push, making butterflies erupt in my stomach, the fear of him pulling back gone at once.

"I have to do this," he says with determination edged on his face, turning back to the door and pushing the button that rings through the house.

"Who's there?" a voice sounds over the intercom atop the door.

"Ken? Kendell?" E.J. says in little more than a whisper, holding in the intercom button. I push his hand again, making sure he knows I am right next to him.

"Yes?" the voice says. "Who is this?"

The voice sounds irritated, but E.J. must somehow be really determined to meet this long lost step uncle of his since he continues talking.

"You don't know me... My name is E.J. and I... I kinda knew your brother..."

I can feel E.J. starting to shake and I can't help to wish we never came to New York in the first place. We should have rather just hopped on a plane to the UK or something.

"I don't have a brother," Ken answers from the other side of the intercom. "My brother's dead."

I can't stop myself. I move in front of E.J. and press the button in, taking a deep breath and I start talking.

"We know. E.J. was there when James blew his brains out. He's James' stepchild, and he desperately needs just a few minutes of your time please... Your brother was an asshole and with your help E.J. might be able to go on with his life without the memories of what your brother has done," I say. As I let go of the button I turn to E.J. who has gone pure white in the face. I try to smile, but it's like my facial muscles doesn't want to work. Like the fake smile I am trying to conjure is as impossible as making horses fly.

"Five minutes, and then the two of you better leave," the voice says and the buzzer unlocks the door which we push open just to walk into an incredibly small inside garden that weirdly smells of bleach.

"You didn't have to do that," E.J. whispers as he pulls his hand from mine, breaking our connection and making me feel like I did everything wrong and should have just left him to do his own thing.

"I'm sorry... It just seemed that you needed some help," I answer, wanting very much to take his hand again but keeping myself from doing so. If he wants my hand in his he knows where I am. He has been forced into affection one too many times without me trying to do the exact same thing to him.

A man opens the actual front door as it seems, walking out to meet us and keeping E.J. from answering me, leaving us in silence between the plants that now seems to be almost dead thanks to the lack of sunlight in the room, or maybe because I am suspecting that they might be watered with bleach that might be killing them.

A man with the purest black hair I have ever seen walks toward us. I have seen photos of James in many papers and this man looks nothing like James. James looked like your typical backyard mechanic. His hands were dirty in all the pictures the papers printed. His nails always black underneath. He had a stubble and even though he was big built, he was pure muscle over his arms and he had a stomach that started to show he was older and that he didn't work out apart from lifting heavy things in his line of work. Ken looks more like... Well... He looked like E.J. in a way. Only much whiter in his skin as if he hasn't seen sunlight in years, his eyes frantically jumping all over the place and between me and E.J., and he kept on scratching his left wrist that hasn't seem to have healed since the last time he took the scratching a bit too far. Furthermore he was the same build as E.J. Also a bit shorter than me, very skinny, and actually, maybe if he was younger he would have been adorable even. He didn't quite wake up the emotions in me that I needed to protect him, but somehow you felt that he needed protection from someone or maybe himself in any case.

"I saw pictures of you on his Facebook," Ken says as he scratches his wrist hard. I can see a trickle of blood breaking through the skin, but I try to ignore it and look into his face, reprimanding myself in advance to be only a spectator in this, allowing E.J. to say and ask what he came here to say and ask.

"Can we maybe come inside?" E.J. asks, rubbing over his own wrist in the exact place that Ken is scratching. "We really have a lot to talk about. I have so many questions."

I look to my side, trying to see if I can figure out what E.J. is thinking but it's impossible. His face is like a mask, and his voice sounds almost robotic. Maybe it's the fact that Ken looks so pitiful that has made E.J.'s anxiety seemingly disappear.

"No... No... No..." Ken mutters, looking up at the lone hanging yellow bulb hanging from the ceiling. "I think... I think this is far enough inside... I don't really want you here."

I look at him as his eyes dart around, like he is looking for an exit somewhere that he can flee from. He almost makes me think of a mouse in certain ways, as if he will dart off into a hole at any moment.

"I used to look like you," Ken says pointing at E.J. but looking at me. "But I got a bit older I see..."

"Yeah... Look Ken. Can I call you Ken?" E.J. asks.

"No... No... No..." Ken says again, this time scratching his wrists into a proper bit of blood. I am sure if they were to check his nails after death they might find years' worth of skin lodged underneath it. "My name is Kendell. It's K-E-N-D-E-L-L. Very unusual name I think. Weird spelling... My mom liked it see... Only Jamie ever called me Ken. I don't like being called Ken..."

I look to my side and lock eyes with E.J. for a few seconds and I am sure that he is thinking the exact same thing I am thinking. This guy is totally crazy. Completely bonkers.

"Okay... Kendell?" E.J. says looking almost as stunned by this guy as what I am feeling. I feel an urge to grab him and shake him, but I keep myself in for E.J. He needs this for some reason. "Look... I just wanted to kinda know... I wanted to ask if there was anything that you could tell me about your brother? Like about when he was a kid..."

This question causes Kendell to scratch even more, making blood run down his arm in a thin line. Maybe this is the reason for all the bleach smells? Because he drips blood everywhere.

Before Kendell however has a chance to answer another very small man walks out what I still assume to be the front door and into the plant room where we are standing.

"What's going on here?" the man says with an alarmingly loud voice for his small and skinny body, making both E.J. and Kendell jump who hasn't seem to have seen him enter the way I did.

"They... They... It's E.J." Ken says without breaking eye contact with E.J. Strangely he seems to be completely focused now instead of his eyes darting all over the room as he takes the one step after the other in reverse, backing toward the guy who just walked in.

"E.J?" the man says, walking to Kendell and putting his hand on his shoulder, but looking from what I am sure is the mask I am wearing and E.J. how seems like he wants to turn around and run away as well.

"Oh... I see," the man says, taking his hand off Kendell's shoulder and reaching it out to E.J. "I've been wondering when you would come and look Kendell up. I'm Josh," he says.

I watch as E.J. takes his hand and shakes it.

"And you are?" Josh looks me square in the eyes even though he is shorter than me. Even though he looks small, his presence is bigger than what I think mine can ever be.

"Brody. E.J.'s friend," I say with as much courage as I can muster and take the hand presented to me that takes mine and shakes it just a little bit harder than need be. "Pleased to meet you."

"I can't say the same. I don't like people coming into our home and upsetting Kendell. You two should have called beforehand. I hate people just showing up," Josh says, turning around and looking at Kendell.

"How about you go and make us some coffee honey? You don't mind doing that do you?" Josh asks Kendell, his voice dropping to almost a whisper like he is talking to a child, but Kendell just nods and starts backing up to the door, closing it behind his as he disappears into the house to go and get some coffee, although I don't think he would be capable to pour a glass of water.

"I really wanted to talk to him," E.J. says as Josh turns around to look at us again.

"Look kid. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know what you want, and frankly I don't care. What I do care about is the fact that you have upset Kendell and I want you gone. Get it?" Josh says to E.J. "So maybe you and your friend should be on your way before Kendell comes back to ask me to help him with the coffee that will never be made. I don't want or need two teens coming to make shit and rouse up memories I have been helping Kendell for years to put behind him."

"I'm sure Kendell can decide that for himself," E.J. says and I almost want to give him a high five for standing up for himself like that to this rude man.

"No he can't," Josh answers. "Did you just see the same man I saw? He's not capable of telling you anything you want to hear. He can barely tell you what he did this morning."

"Why?" E.J. says. It looks like he wants to stand on his toes as he leans a little bit forward. As if overshadowing Josh might get him what he wants.

"Because James fucked him up real good, just as I am sure he did to you, but it seems like you came of lucky from it all. Doesn't look like he beat you to the point of brain damage like he did his little brother. Now I would prefer the both of you leaving," Josh says as he walks to the blue door, motioning for us to follow him.

"James told me that his brother was a doctor and that he was rich and living a perfect life not giving a damn about him when his parents threw him out on the street," E.J. says grabbing Josh by the arm and making him turn around. "I just want to know the truth, okay?"

"James was a liar. You should know that kid," Josh says.

"Look, who are you in any case? Kendell's keeper?" I say, this time not finding it possible to keep my mouth shut any longer. "E.J. just wants answers. God knows he deserves some answers after all the shit he's been through."

"I am his best friend. I've been his best friend since I can fucking remember, so if that makes me his keeper then I guess that's what I am," Josh says turning his eyes from E.J. to me. "Now you need to leave our house. I'm done with people upsetting Kendell. If you want answers I will meet you at the coffee shop three buildings from here, this afternoon at 3pm. Don't be late because I won't wait."

Josh opens the door to the icy weather outside and motions with his hand for us to leave.

With nothing left that we can do we walk outside with a door banging shut behind us and with much more questions than what we came with.