Chapter 35

-Sowol, don’t give up either.

Suddenly, those words echoed in my mind. In a situation where I myself no longer wanted to hold onto hope, it felt unfamiliar and awkward for a man who wasn’t even family to recite hope to me.

But while it made me happy, it also pained my heart.

Forget about a way to treat me, no one even knew exactly what my illness was. I could only vaguely speculate it was albinism.

Moreover, I already knew, didn’t I? What my future held. This novel began with my death.

So my death was as good as decided. Whether my condition was good or bad at times wasn’t of much importance. In the end, the crux was that this winter would be my last.

“What do you think, Hwa Ui?”

“It’s a cold.”

“A cold, you say?”

“Yes.”

Amidst my half-conscious state, the voices ringing in my ears made me slightly open my eyes. Through the faint light, I saw familiar faces.

“Hwa Ui…?”

The voice that flowed through my throat was sunken. It sounded so different that I doubted it was my own. I thought it might have been too soft, but fortunately, Hwa Ui and Hyuk Dojin reacted to my voice.

“Sowol! Are you alri…!”

“Be quiet. Is it appropriate to make a fuss in front of a patient? I understand you’re flustered, but calm down first.”

“…”

At Hwa Ui’s words, Hyuk Dojin bit his lip tightly. I rolled my eyes, listening to their conversation. Even rolling my eyes made my head ache, indicating my condition wasn’t good. I closed my eyes tightly, exhaled, and relaxed my body.

Yesterday, after taking a walk in the garden with Hyuk Dojin, my fever suddenly started rising in the evening. Thinking I was simply tired, I took some light medicine and fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes, the current situation unfolded.

“Um… How long have I been asleep?”

“You’ve been collapsed on the bed for half a day since last night.”

Hwa Ui lowered his hand and grasped my wrist to check my pulse. As Hwa Ui concentrated, I turned my head and looked at Hyuk Dojin.

He was gazing at me with complex eyes filled with frustration and anguish. When our eyes met, his lips parted urgently.

“Sowol…”

I slightly opened my lips to tell him I was alright as he called my name. However, before I could speak, Hwa Ui’s voice overlapped mine.

“Fortunately, your condition isn’t too bad. Your body wasn’t healthy to begin with, and you were exposed to a sudden chill yesterday, so it’s simply a shock to your system. Your energy is returning, and your pulse and blood pressure are stabilizing, so there shouldn’t be any major issues.”

“But Hwa Ui, can a simple cold cause someone to sleep for half a day?”

“Illness is relative. For those like the Young Cult Leader who have honed their martial arts their entire lives and have a basic level of stamina, a mere cold would just make them grumble a bit before it ends. But for someone like Miss Moyong, who lacks stamina and hasn’t been healthy, even a simple cold can cause this. Isn’t it the same for the elderly people?”

Despite Hwa Ui’s friendly explanation, Hyuk Dojin persistently asked more questions. Even though he seemed intent on not overlooking even the smallest details, Hwa Ui didn’t get angry. Rather, he calmly answered Hyuk Dojin’s queries even more kindly.

“Rather than giving specific medicines, recovering her energy is more important. With herbal tonics and nourishing food, she’ll quickly recover, so don’t worry too much and…”

Hwa Ui looked at Hyuk Dojin and continued speaking before rolling his eyes and glancing at me. As I met his gaze with hazy eyes, Hwa Ui’s voice turned towards me this time.

“And Miss Moyong, even if the wind feels refreshing and your mood is good after you recover, don’t be exposed to it for too long. What the body feels and what it actually accepts are two entirely different matters. If you want to get some air, wear slightly thicker clothes than usual and avoid prolonged exposure. Understood?”

“…I understand.”

“…”

At my short reply, Hwa Ui pursed his lips and furrowed his brow. His white beard trembled slightly. Hwa Ui stared at me intently, his lips moving a few times as if to speak, before slowly opening his mouth.

“I’m just asking, but have you frequently caught colds like this before or immediately developed a fever after being exposed to the wind?”

“No. I might have been a bit tired, but I’ve never experienced anything like this.”

“…I see. Alright.”

Hwa Ui clicked his tongue and nodded before gathering the acupuncture case and tools he had brought and rising from his seat.

With a reminder to rest well, he stood up. Receiving Hyuk Dojin’s farewell and Joo Hwarin’s escort to the door, I followed Hwa Ui’s departure with my eyes.

Eventually, I shifted my gaze from Hwa Ui, who had left the room, back to Hyuk Dojin. Occupying the seat where Hwa Ui had been sitting, Hyuk Dojin swept his worried eyes over me, his pupils complex, before closing them and biting his teeth tightly.

With his firm arms resting on his knees, unable to utter a word, the shadow cast on Hyuk Dojin’s face looked pitiful.

I moved my heavy arm. Slowly pulling it out from under the blanket, I gently covered the palm resting on his knee.

Hyuk Dojin, who reacted so sensitively that I could feel him flinch through my hand, lifted his head. His eyes turned towards me. Smiling at Hyuk Dojin, I spoke softly.

“It’s not your fault.”

Why was this man feeling so guilty? He had done nothing wrong. It was simply my fault for overexerting myself when I felt my condition was better than usual.

Yet, he wore an expression more anguished than mine. I felt grateful but also apologetic.

“It’s nothing serious. It’s just a cold. A cold that anyone can easily catch. So you don’t need to feel guilty.”

“…I was lacking. If I had been more attentive, I could have discovered earlier that Sowol’s condition wasn’t good. I was complacent…”

“Don’t think like that. It makes me feel apologetic. This is just a cold, don’t attach too much meaning to it.”

As I spoke with a sunken voice, the end of my sentence cracked. Frowning at the scratchy sensation in my throat, Hyuk Dojin poured water into a nearby cup and handed it to me. Slowly rising from my seat and leaning against the wall, I took the cup he offered and tilted it gradually.

Warm water flowed down my throat. Feeling the stinging pain in my throat subside, I let out a small sigh.

Lowering my eyes, I gazed at the half-filled water in the cup and narrowed my eyes. My reflection in the water looked haggard. Like someone about to die.

As winter approached, was my death gradually drawing nearer? Just from being exposed to a bit of autumn wind, I caught a cold and collapsed for an entire day. Later on, would I even die from indigestion after eating a meal?

Quietly observing the rippling water, I drank the remaining contents and handed the cup back to Hyuk Dojin.

“Thank you.”

“Do you feel a bit better?”

“My head feels a bit heavy, but there’s no significant discomfort or pain.”

“That’s a relief.”

Hyuk Dojin exhaled deeply and relaxed the tension in his tightly pressed lips. I silently studied his appearance as he looked down at the floor.

Suddenly, the smiles he had shown me came to mind. He knew how to smile in such a beautiful way.

How much more would a man who smiled so beautifully and frequently be able to smile while being with me in the future?

I thought there would be more expressions of sadness, guilt, and frustration, like the one he wore now, than smiles. The sight of him covering his forehead with his palm wasn’t unfamiliar at all.

It was the same expression Moyong Do had shown when he clung to me and wept before I left the Moyong clan. Moyong Do, who had always been strong, had revealed intense emotional fluctuations for the first time as he held onto me.

Seeing him shaking precariously as if he would crumble, my heart ached, and I felt apologetic.

If I hadn’t been ill, if I had been a bit healthier, at least Moyong Do wouldn’t have made such an expression.

I was no different from others.

I thought it would be nice if he could smile because of me. I never wanted to see someone become sad and shed tears because of me.

“Sowol. Is there something you want?”

“Pardon?”

Something I want? I reacted dully to his unexpected question. Suddenly asking what I wanted…@@novelbin@@

It was a question I hadn’t even considered, so I asked back. Hyuk Dojin calmly continued.

“Doesn’t everyone have something they want? When I was young and training was painful and difficult, receiving a gift of something I wanted gave me strength and lifted my mood. So, if there’s something Sowol has wanted, please tell me. I will give it to you.”

“Hmm…”

Something I wanted. I didn’t have anything in particular. I didn’t have much greed for material things, and it was strange to desire something in the first place when the most important thing in life was missing.

Even after thinking for a while, nothing specific came to mind.

Jewelry, accessories, silk clothes, I didn’t even want things like swords or elixirs. If a deity were in front of me, I would have wished to be healthy, but if not, I had nothing to wish for.

Well, if I had to name one thing, it would be to not be in pain. That was it.

If it was certain that I would die anyway, I wanted to die without suffering. Because my last moments in my previous life had been painful, I knew my last moments in this life would be painful too.

I didn’t have the confidence to endure that pain again.

Quietly looking up at the ceiling, I slightly lowered my gaze and glanced at Hyuk Dojin. If I asked this man to let me die painlessly, what would he say? I imagined it for a moment before giving up.

To a man who told me not to give up even though it wasn’t his own matter, it would be a cruel and unthinkable request.

“I see.”

I spoke briefly and smiled brightly. Meeting Hyuk Dojin’s expectant eyes, I softly said:

“There’s nothing.”

“What?”

“There’s nothing. Nothing I desire. Nothing I want, nothing I wish for. Absolutely nothing.”

I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

“I just wish for peace, like now.”

“But…”

Hyuk Dojin opened his mouth as if to say something but promptly closed it. With a complex expression, he rolled his eyes and nodded with a sigh. Seeing his reaction, I smiled faintly.

“Don’t think too much. If I rest well today, I’ll return to normal starting tomorrow. Then, with the food Geum Baekcheon prepares and the herbal tonics, I’ll recover without falling ill. So don’t feel guilty.”

Hyuk Dojin nodded without a word. His face still remained heavily solemn and serious. Knowing that no words would comfort him, I quietly closed my eyes.

As if heralding the beginning of autumn, the chirping of cicadas gradually subsided.

My remaining time was dwindling.