37. Strong, Confident, AND Feminine

Around 2pm, after having returned from the model tryouts at the mall, Taylor and Kaylee were watching YouTube videos on the television when there was a knock at the front door.

"I'll get it," Kaylee announced.

"No, I'll get it," Taylor countered as he quickly jumped up from the couch, and rushed towards the door, pushing Kaylee back into her seat as he did.

"Hi," Taylor enthusiastically greeted when he flung open the door.

Standing in front of him was a girl in a knee length sundress and thin leather sandals, fresh glossy aqua colored polish on her fingers and toes, and tiny diamond studs reflecting sunlight from her red, irritated-looking earlobes.

It was Astrid, the girl they had met at the diner. She shyly stood with her hands clasped in front of her and her head tilted downward.

"Come, come in," Taylor offered warmly while stepping aside to allow her to enter.

A smile spread across Astrid's face and she turned to wave to her mom, who was waiting in a car next to the curb in front of the house. Her mom waved back before slowly pulling away as Astrid stepped inside.

"Hi, Astrid," Kaylee excitedly greeted. "Come on, guys. Mom, this is our friend, Astrid. We'll be in my room."

In Kaylee's room they all gathered on the bed and the first thing Kaylee did was comment on how pretty she found Astrid's aqua painted nails to be. She and Taylor found out that Astrid's mom has taken her to a salon last night to have them done and had also allowed her to get her ears pierced. Astrid was quite excited about her piercings.

"My mom don't normally take me to a nail salon unless it's for a special occasion," Kaylee told them. "Usually she just paints them herself and they are never as shiny as yours. And the color of your nails, it's so bold. What do you think, Tay?"

"I uh, I really like them." Taylor managed to reply.

He knew he wasn't into nails like they appeared to be, especially Astrid, but he didn't want to say anything that aroused suspicion or made him look any less feminine in their eyes.

"That's a cool dress, too,"  he added trying his best to fit in.

"Thanks," Astrid replied, looking down at her pink, and white, and blue sundress.

"Got this for my birthday last month. It's from my awesome, supportive aunt."

As they continued to talk, Taylor learned Astrid was obsessed with some of the same television shows that his mom used to watch; Say Yes to the Dress, The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and Project Runway, all girly shows Taylor never had any interest in. This meant he knew nothing about these shows, which also meant he couldn't add to the conversation which was dominated by Astrid.

Kaylee could add a little, because any time her mom had the remote, the television was on one of those same shows. It wasn't until Taylor began living with them that Kaylee was able to get out of having to watch those shows, which she didn't care for either.

They also learned several details about Astrid, including, how she wants to be a makeup artist when she grows up, she doesn't want to even think about marriage before she's 30, but she does eventually want to be a wife, and that she's two years older than Taylor.

The entire time, not only was Taylor trying really hard to think and respond like a girl, he was having a hard time paying attention because their topics of conversation didn't naturally engage his interest at all. Kaylee herself was barely hanging on.

Because of this, Taylor's mind began to wander to Astrid's appearance, mannerisms, and just how girly she appeared to be.  He found it really hard to think of her as ever having been a boy.  In fact, he found her hilarious, fun to be around, and quite cute, too.

He also thought a lot about his situation and wondered whether or not he might be like her. He wanted to know more about her and the details of her situation.

Unable to get all of this out of his head, at one point Taylor's thoughts spilled out and he suddenly asked, "How did you know you wanted to be a girl?"

"Tay!" Kaylee quickly replied. "You can't say that."

"Why? I just asked a question. I genuinely want to know how a boy knows he's not really a boy."

"It's okay," Astrid assured Kaylee. "I figured it would probably come up. Just didn't think It'd be so quick, besides, I really don't mind the questions."

Astrid took a deep  breath, exhaled and looked at Taylor.

"Actually, I don't think I ever was a boy, I just didn't know that at first. I mean, everyone said I was a boy, treated me like a boy, and of course, I got boy parts, so you know, what was there to question? Even though I had more of an interest in girly things and didn't like boy stuff like sports, being rough, and all the other things boys are expected to be, I still didn't question anything.  It wasn't until I was a little younger than you guys are now, that I began to realize I was jealous of my sister, and wanted to trade places with her."

"That's when you got caught trying on your sister's clothes?"

"Tay, you go too far," Kaylee chided. "If she wants you to know,  she'll tell you."

"it's quite alright," Astrid offered in Taylor's defense. "Not like it's a secret or anything. No, I really started out just curious to know what it would feel like to be a girl or what I would have looked like if I had been born a girl. I didn't know about transgender stuff, and mismatched genders.  I thought I'd live the rest of my life as a male, who would spend all his time daydreaming, imaging a life where he was a girl, wishing he had been born one. After a while I began to desperately wish I could magically turn into a girl. I became obsessed with my sister, and was jealous that she had won the birth lottery having been born a girl, while I had not."

"And that's when you started wearing her clothes? " Taylor curiousity asked again.

"Yeah,  actually. I so desperately wanted to be her, I figured the closest I'd ever get was to see what it felt like to wear her things. One day, I went to her room and the first drawer I opened contained panties,  so I quickly grabbed a pair and rushed back to my room.  I locked the door, quickly stripped down, and put the panties on. It was the most incredible feeling ever. Something inside me changed, that day. I felt like a girl, or at least that's what I interpreted the incredible feelings to be and I liked it."

"Wow, " Taylor quietly mumbled.

Hearing Astrid's story caused him to think back over his experiences since that fateful afternoon when Craig met Carissa and it led to him pretending to be a girl.

He had believed the only reason he went along it was because he loved his brother and would do anything for him. But then he got the chance to play on the all city team and they all believed he was a girl, so he had to continue the charade to avoid the embrassment that would ensue if Carissa and Kaylee and the whole ball team found out.

Now he was wondering if maybe there was another reason he didn't speak up and just allowed it continue.

He pondered if it was possible he might be a girl inside, like Astrid said she always had been.

Astrid smiled in response to Taylor's mumbled, "wow" reaction to her story and she continued, "I began to wear the panties every day and that helped. It felt incredible and that was enough, until it wasn't."

"What do you mean," Taylor inquired.

"After a while I needed more, wanted to go further."

"So what did you do?"

"I snuck back into my sister's room and after getting a new pair of panties, I opened another drawer. There I found a pair of tights. My heart skipped a beat and I took them. I had never even thought about trying on tights, but once I got back to my room with a pair in my hand, I was shaking. I couldn't get them on fast enough.  The feeling I got when I put them on for the first time was even greater than when I put on the panties.  It was intoxicating, exciting, comforting. I felt like a supernatural feminine spirit had suddenly wrapped her arms around me in a warm, affirming embrace. It was incredible."

At that moment another breathy "wow" escaped Taylor's lips.

"I began to wear the tights under my pants every day, too. Then one day I found a bottle of pearlescent nail polish in the bathroom and I couldn't not take it. Something inside me said I had to. So I did, then I locked myself in my room and painted my toenails."

"Wait, and you didn't worry about getting caught with your nails painted?" Kaylee inquired.

"No, I was careful to always wear socks around the house."

"Wow,  that's bold,"  Taylor added. "You were really serious about this. You didn't try to be more boyish and do boy things to see if the feelings would go away?"

"I didn't want to, besides, I already knew that wouldn't work.  I knew from the first day, sitting at dinner in a restaurant with my mom and sister while secretly wearing those silky tights under my pants, there was no turning back."

Astrid paused for a moment and looked at Kaylee, then Taylor, and asked, "Have either of you ever stopped to think how lucky you are? Ever took the time to appreciate the fact that you were blessed with estrogen in the woumb and born a girl?"

At that moment a chill ran up Taylor's spine. He looked over at Kaylee to see how a girl would react to that question, only to find she was looking at him with wide eyes.

"Taylor, have you ever wondered what your life would be like if you had been born a boy?" Astrid asked him. "I'm guessing no. Why would you? Being a girl is so amazing I can't imagine any girl wanting to give this up."

"Actually," Kaylee spoke up, began to confess, "I wish I could just be a boy, or I used to, alot more than now.   When momma made me dress super girly. I never wanted it. I felt like I was supposed to be a boy and she was forcing me to be girly. I hated it. It wasn't until I met Taylor that I started to accept it.  Her influence has shown me how awsome a strong, confident girl can be and that you can be that strong, confident person, even while wearing dresses and tights. She's been a great role model."

Me, a role model for a girl? And I'm anything but confident, Taylor thought. Kaylee, a girl, actually looks up to me as the kind of girl she wants to be?  That's crazy.

Feeling and emotions began to really stir within Taylor in ways he'd never felt before as his thoughts ran wild.