64

"Hey."

I opened my eyes, looking at Kai. He was lying next to me, and he has been most of the day. He's barely left my side the last few days. I haven't been able to speak to him or anyone. I haven't left his apartment, and I haven't let anyone see me.

"I have to go see Damon. Will you be okay for a while?" I nodded. He raised up and leaned forward, kissing my temple. "I love you."

He got up and walked away. I could sense that he didn't want to leave me alone.

A few minutes later, I heard the front door open, then shut. I closed my eyes again, trying to go back to sleep.

The only thing on my mind was talking to Ryan's mom.

I forced myself to sit up. I moved back to lean back against the headboard. I kept the blanket pulled over me. I grabbed my phone and opened my contacts. I took a few deep breaths before calling. I put the phone to my ear.

"Evelyn! I wasn't expecting a call from you. How are you?"

"I'm hanging in there."

"Is something wrong, sweetheart?"

I felt a lump in my throat. "Yeah, um..." I inhaled sharply. "Are you somewhere you can talk?"

"What's going on, Evelyn? Is Ryan okay?"

Tears spilled from my eyes at the mention of his name. "Ryan's dead, Ms. Miller." After a quiet gasp, a gut-wrenching scream pierced my ears. It soon turned to sobs. It only made me cry harder.

...

The call from a week ago was still hanging over my head. I felt guilty for not going to her in person, but I still haven't left the apartment. I haven't spoken yet either.

"Okay." Kai knelt down beside the bed to get eye level with me. He placed his hand on the side of my face. "Are you sure you don't want to go?"

Damon and Elena already had this engagement party planned weeks ago. I never told them if I could go or not. I would like to go celebrate, but I feel like I can't move.

He tilted his head. "I'll be back in a few hours." He brushed his thumb across my cheek. He slid his hand to my neck and kissed my cheek.

He pulled away from me, then walked away.

I hated being like this. I haven't left the bed the entire day. The only time I got up yesterday was to shower.

I rolled to my back and stared at the ceiling. For a while, I contemplated why I was like this. Ryan asked me not to be this way. He wouldn't want me to be like this. He would've wanted me to go to the party.

I glanced at the clock, seeing that it was too late. There was only half an hour left.

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them. I rested my head on top of my knees. After a moment of thought, I uncurled and got up. I slowly walked to the living room, stopping a few feet from the couch.

I walked to the kitchen. On the island, there was a bottle of bourbon. I grabbed a glass and filled it halfway. I sat the bottle down. I hoisted myself onto the countertop of the island, letting my legs dangle.

I grabbed the glass I poured and slowly drank it. I poured more into it, then drank that. After swallowing the last drink, I poured what was left in the bottle. I took a drink, then another.

I brought the glass to my lips, pausing and looking over at the front door as it opened. Kai walked in and shut the door. He started to walk toward the bedroom. I whistled, and he stopped. He turned to me. He looked confused at first, then relieved.

He slowly walked over. I held out the glass to him. He grabbed it from my hand and drank the last drink. I took the empty glass from his hand and sat it next to the bottle.

"What have you told them?"

There was a hint of shock in his expression that quickly faded. "You don't want to see or talk to anyone."

I stared at him, looking into his eyes. "I'm sorry."

He shook his head, putting his hands on my legs and pushing them apart as he stepped closer. "Don't apologize." He moved his hand to the side of my neck, pulling me forward to kiss him.

I put my hands at his sides, pulling him deeper between my legs as I wrapped them around him. He moved his hand from my leg to my waist. I could taste the alcohol from the party on his tongue.

"You're drunk," he muttered against my lips.

"So are you," I responded.

He kissed me deeply once more before pulling his lips off of mine. He pulled back far enough to look at me. I slid my hands to his shoulders as I pulled back further.

I moved my hands to his chest, "You don't want to."

He dropped his hands to my thighs. "We've both been drinking, and you're upset. I don't think it's a good idea."

I moved my hands to his face. "You look tired."

"You have no idea."

I leaned forward and kissed him. He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me against him. He carried me as he walked to the bedroom. He laid me back on the bed. He pulled back from the kiss and moved off the bed. I sat up and moved to lay down. I pulled the blanket over myself and rolled to my side.

I let my eyes fall shut. It wasn't seconds later; I was on the verge of sleeping. I waited for him to lay next to me, which didn't take long. He slipped his arms around me, pulling me against him. I leaned into him, pressing the side of my face to his chest as I tucked my arms between us.

"Goodnight, baby."

I hummed in response, too exhausted to form words.

...

I could feel his eyes drilling holes into me. I stared at the necklace in front of me as I adjusted the rings on my hand.

The necklace was what Ryan had given me years ago. I haven't worn it in quite a while.

"Are you sure you don't want me to go?" Kai started walking toward me.

I had refused his company. I carefully lifted the necklace from its spot and unhooked it. His hands found mine, and I looked at him as he pulled it from my hands. "Yes."

He sighed as he stepped behind me. I grabbed my hair and lifted it as he latched the necklace around me. I let my hair back down and adjusted it onto my shoulders again as he returned to his spot in front of me. He grabbed my hands as he stepped closer. "So you're subjecting yourself to an entire day of Damon? I thought you didn't like being tortured."

I stared at our hands. "I will be fine." There was a knock on the front door. I looked up at his face.

His sad eyes were begging me to drag him along. "Okay," he sighed.

I pulled my hands from his and started walking out of my room. He followed me as I walked to the front door. He stopped a few steps behind me as I pulled the front door open. Damon was standing a few feet away with his hands in his pockets.

Kai walked up beside me. His hand pressed against the small of my back, and I turned to him. I pulled my hand from the door to press against his chest. He leaned down to kiss me, pressing his lips to mine softly. After a moment, he pulled back.

"I love you."

I slid my hand to his. "I love you," I echoed. I pulled away from him and walked side by side with Damon to his car.

Once we were seated in the car and buckled, he started driving. The weather suited the occasion: dark and cloudy. It hadn't started raining yet, but it would soon.

The drive to Ms. Miller's house was only a few hours, but it felt like an eternity. They had Ryan cremated, but they still wanted to have some kind of ceremony. They chose to host it at Ryan's mom's house.

I shut the car door and took a few steps. I stared at the house. My breathing stuttered before it paused in my throat. There were five people on the porch, sitting around and crying. I couldn't imagine the number of people inside.

"We could just go get drunk."

I breathed out slowly before glancing at Damon. "No." I looked at the house again. "I need to see her." Her, as in, Ryan's sister. She's lost both of her brothers now. It's impossible to understand how she feels.

"Just say the word, and we'll go."

After a second, I nodded. I started walking and he followed beside me. I walked into the open house, crossing the threshold. Damon followed as I searched for Ms. Miller. I found her in the second living room, sitting in the chair in the corner beside the piano. She was staring absently at the keys.

I approached her slowly, bracing myself for whatever reaction she may have. I stopped a few feet from her. "Celia," I said quietly, easing my way through the silence.

Her eyes moved to me swiftly, her attention whirling toward me. The look in her eyes tore a piece of my soul away. She breathed in shakily. "Evelyn." Her voice was soft but broken. It's easily said that she's hardly spoken.

She pulled herself to her feet slowly. I held my breath for a minute. Her eyes darted to Damon. I glanced at him, then looked back at her. "This is Damon. He and Ryan were close."

She looked at him. He stepped closer. "I'm very sorry for your loss."

She nodded once, a tight, forced smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. "Thank you." She turned her attention back to me. Her shaky hands were tightly gripping the tissue between them. "I didn't think you were going to show, dear."

I felt tears peeking in my eyes. "I should've called. I'm... I'm really sorry."

She shook her head as she stepped closer. "No, that's okay. I'm glad you showed up." She reached for my hands that were guarding my body. She pulled them close to her. The hands that killed her son. That thought forced the tears down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry I couldn't save him."

She squeezed my hands. "It wasn't your responsibility to save him, sweetheart. What happened to him wasn't your fault. You couldn't have known."

I did know. I could've found a way to stop it. I'm keeping that to myself for her sanity. I opened my mouth to speak but was interrupted by an ear shattering scream from another room. We all made our way to the noise.

Maddie, Ryan's sister, was being dragged out of the house by Ledger, Ryan's father. His hand was gripping her arm tightly. Damon and I exchanged glances. I felt Celia's hand on my arm as a gasp left her lips. I ran toward them. I grabbed Ledger's wrist, pressing my thumb into his wrist and removing his hand from his daughter. Celia pulled a crying Maddie away from us.

I released his hand and took a few steps back. He turned to face me. "What the hell are you doing here?! You got my son killed!"

"Say whatever you want about me but lay a hand on your daughter again, and you'll be six feet under before you can reach for help."

"That's my daughter!"

"No. She may have your DNA, but that doesn't make her your child. Parents don't lay their hands on their kids. When she's screaming because you're hurting her, that should tell you to let the hell go."

"She's not supposed to be here!"

I stepped closer, staring into his eyes and compelling him, "Go home."

A fight is the last thing this family needs, especially now. Making him leave is the best option.

After he was walking back to his car, I turned back to the house. Celia had her arm around Maddie, holding her close. Damon was at the bottom of the steps. I walked toward the house. The two of them walked inside. Damon and I followed.

Half an hour later, I felt like I was drowning in guilt. I turned to Damon. He nodded, and we left. I felt like saying goodbye would make me feel worse.

We ended up at the Grill, sitting at the bar, downing three bottles of bourbon.

"You know, if we're blaming people, you might as well point a finger at me too."

I looked at him, lifting my head from my hand. "Why's that?" I let my arm fall to the bar top.

"Because." He turned his head to me, leaning closer. "I became friends with him. Right here at this very bar, remember?"

I ran through the memories in my mind. "Oh, yeah. He told you I wasn't a virgin anymore."

He laughed, "Yeah. He said you had a lot of company."

I tilted my head. "Why exactly would that make you guilty of his death?"

"Because I convinced him to come back to this damn town every other week."

I rolled my eyes as I turned to my drink again. I lifted the half full glass to my lips and downed all of it quickly. I looked up to see Tyler walking out of the kitchen. "Hey, Lockwood!"

He stopped and turned to look at me. The annoyed look on his face has been there since I asked for the second bottle. He sighed as he dragged himself over to us. I held out the glass, and he took it from me. I frowned. "You're cut off, Forbes." He looked at Damon. "You are too."

"Come on, wolf boy."

He looked at me as he gestured toward the rest of the place. "You two are the last ones here. We're closed."

I tilted my head as I leaned closer, "So you expect us to drive home?" He sighed as he shook his head. He walked toward the kitchen again. I groaned as I put my head down, resting on my arms.

"Maybe we're just supposed to sit here and get sober."

I laughed at the thought of waiting here long enough. After a moment, it got quiet enough that the music over the speakers was actually loud. I lifted my head and stared at the bar top.

And where did I go wrong? I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness.

And I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.

The grief was eating at me, making the ache in my chest louder. I felt hollow. "I should've noticed." There were tears in my eyes.

"Hmm?"

I inhaled shakily. "He was the closest person to me for years, and then I left him alone to come back here. I stopped calling and texting. I didn't mean to cut him out, but I did." The tears had escaped my eyes. "I got so caught up with my own life and everything - everyone... Once Kai became a part of my life, Ryan faded away, and I didn't even notice."

"Ryan chose to stay away from you, Evelyn. Don't blame what happened to Ryan on your relationship. It's not fair to you or Kai."

I brought my hands to my face, breathing slowly. After a minute of calming down, I moved my hands to the bar. "You're right. It's not fair to him." I opened my eyes and looked at the door to the kitchen as it opened. Tyler walked back over to us. He picked up the empty bottles one by one. I looked at Damon as he started talking again.

"You know what we should do?" He leaned closer. "Go to my house and drink."

"Great idea."

"You can't drive drunk," Tyler complained.

We both looked at him. "Stop me and see how fast your neck breaks," Damon replied as we removed ourselves from our seats.

I followed him to the door. It was storming. And Damon had parked two blocks away. The streets were starting to look like puddles. We ran to his car, scrambling to get in. I was already soaked by the time we got in his car.

He drove to his house, and we got out. I didn't bother running to the door, not seeing the point in trying to get out of the rain when I was already drenched.

I walked through the door Damon left open. I pushed it shut and stopped. Caroline was holding her phone to her ear with a frustrated look on her face. She looked like she was woken up. I looked over at Damon, who was being quietly lectured by Elena. She dragged him out of the room. I sighed as I looked at Caroline again. She ended the call, which I presumed was to Kai.

She took a few steps closer. "Kai's on his way. Do you want to stay?"

I shook my head. I haven't spoken to her, and I don't want our conversation to happen when I'm drunk.

"Well, do you want to change?"

I shook my head again as I crossed my arms.

She breathed out slowly as she looked down. I looked away from her. I heard her take a breath, and I looked up at her again. I felt the weight of the world weighing down on me again. I hate that I keep losing everything, and I can't stop it. My unfortunate life makes me feel hopeless.

The front door opened a few minutes later. I turned to see Kai. He was as drenched as I was. He pushed the door shut before walking over to me. His hand rested at the side of my face as he stared at me with a worried expression. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. He sighed and then looked at Caroline. I looked at her. She nodded to him, then looked at me. "Goodnight."

She walked away. I stared at the empty space, waiting for her to come back and wrap me in her arms as if everything was normal and we were close again. But she didn't.

She went back to bed with her husband, and I was led out of the house by Kai. Then, I was driven to my house.

I didn't move at first. I stared at my hands in my lap. The sound of the rain pouring down on the car wasn't loud enough to drown out my thoughts.

Kai got out. A moment later, he opened my door and pulled me out of the car. I walked to my door, hardly able to hold myself up. I felt him reach for me, but I kept walking.

My chest felt tight as the air escaped from my lungs.

"Evelyn."

I stopped at the bottom of the steps. He shut the front door and walked over to me. He stepped in front of me and brought his hands to my face, lifting my head. I opened my eyes and looked into his. There was love in his eyes, spilling out across his features and bleeding through his entire body. The touch of his hands was tender as he held my face.

The pleading look in his eyes was begging to know what I was thinking or feeling. He was hurting because he knew I'm hurting.

"I don't want to feel anymore," I admitted.

His brows knitted together as worry etched into his features. He shook his head once. My breath caught in my throat as tears brimmed my eyes. I pulled away from him, making my way to my room before he could say anything.

I pushed my door closed. I walked to my closet after kicking my shoes off. I pulled all of my clothes off and then put on one of his shirts. I shut my closet. I started to walk to my bed but stopped. I walked to the window and sat down, pulling my knees to my chest. I rested my face against my thighs.

Kai wasn't able to feel any kind of remorse for over two decades. For me to admit that I want what he had feels selfish.

My door opened, then shut. His footsteps stopped after a few seconds, then continued. He sat next to me. I kept hugging myself tightly. His hand touched the back of my head, then brushed through my hair.

"I don't know what you're feeling, but I know it's killing you. If I could... take your pain away, I would do it in a heartbeat. I hate that I can't help you, baby." He leaned closer, placing a kiss against the side of my head. He rested his head against mine. "If you want to flip your switch, I understand." He pulled back, moving his hand to the back of my head. "I won't stop you or try to convince you not to."

After a minute, I turned my head to look at him. Tears escaped my eyes. "I won't do that to you." My voice was quieter than I expected.

He brushed the hair from the side of my face. "Okay," he responded softly.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I'm sorry for hurting you."

He furrowed his brows. "Hurting me?"

A whine spilled from my lips as I lifted my head. "Yes. I should've talked to you instead of shutting down and acting the way I have been."

He shook his head as he moved closer, cupping my face in his hands, "I don't blame you for how you responded to what happened. You had to kill your best friend. I don't know what I would've done if I was in your position, but I do know that it would've ended with a lot more dead people. So, if you need to ignore me and shut everything out in order to process this, then do it. The only thing you could do to hurt me is leave me."

I unraveled myself and leaned into him, wrapping my arms around his body. His arms surrounded me as he hugged me tightly.

I may not be able to go back to the feeling of being buried in hope, but being restrained by love comes pretty close. And when the love is springing from Kai, it overpowers anything I may have felt before.