50

I watched as Lizzie and Amelia played with the toys around them.

"Here you go."

I lifted my head and looked at Jo, and then I looked at the tea she was offering. "Thank you," I responded as I took it from her. I held it to my chest and refocused my attention on the twins.

Stefan and Caroline offered to repaint the nursery since Jo and Ric never got around to it before he died. I decided to tag along to visit Jo. And to avoid Kai like I have been doing for the past week.

I looked at her. "How have you been?"

She stared at the twins for a moment before looking at me. "Better," she nodded. "Not crying uncontrollably, if that's what you mean."

"Right." I nodded as I looked down at the cup in my hands. "Sorry."

"It's okay," she answered. "No one else knows what to say either."

I looked at the twins. After a moment of contemplating what to say, I finally spoke my mind. "Why would you stay here?" I looked at her. "I mean, why did you keep going? If I were you, I would've just given up." I shook my head. "I don't know how you're not drowning in grief."

"Well, I can't just give up. I have people who need me."

"Doesn't losing someone like him destroy you? You obviously loved him, and you didn't want to ever lose him. How do you just... keep it together?"

There was an unfamiliar look that crossed her face. She put her mug on the end table of the couch before turning her body to face me. "It's easy to fall apart when it's all you think about." Her words were eerily sickening, but also familiar and comforting. "I know that Ric wouldn't want me to let his death destroy my life. He would want me to be happy and to live my life."

I stared at her, trying to think of a response. The only thing on my mind was Kai. What is he doing? Where is he? Is he as bad off as I am?

"I heard about what happened with you and Kai. I've never really been the biggest fan of your relationship, but I know he made you happy, and that was enough for me to not hate you two being together. What he did, Evelyn, was not your fault."

My throat felt like it was closing as my eyes welled with tears. I looked down at the tea. I felt Jo move closer. She pulled my hand to hers and slid her fingers between mine. I looked at her again after taking a short breath.

"Everything will be okay."

The tears in my eyes poured over, trailing down my face. "It doesn't feel like it."

She squeezed my hand, "But it will." She nodded. "You just need time."

I shook my head once. "That's not what I need."

"What?"

I sighed as I looked away from her. "I've spent the last two years waiting for him. And I finally had him. I know what he did. I know how horrible it is. I know I shouldn't forgive him, I shouldn't love him anymore, but I don't care." I looked at her. "I just... I feel like I need him, like he's a part of me. Without him, I feel lifeless." I shook my head, "And I don't know what to do." I swallowed. "If I go back to him, I'll be going against everything I believe in. If I don't go back to him, I don't know what I'll do."

There was pity in her eyes. "You shouldn't expect your love for him to just go away. You need to give yourself more time to process this. He went away for an entire year and married another woman, Evelyn. He started a new life while he was still in a relationship with you."

I looked down at our hands. Talking about my relationship problems feels cruel when I consider her life. Her husband died, and we're talking about my cheating fiance. I looked up at her. "I know."

She tilted her head. "I'm always here if you need to talk or anything."

"Yeah," I looked at the ground. The thoughts of how she must feel with Ric being gone distracted me from any other thought. It felt hard to be in the moment now with the thoughts of her grief filling my mind. "I, um," I sighed before looking at her again. "I'm gonna go." I placed the mug in my hands on the coffee table as I got up."

"Are you sure? You could stay."

I tucked my hair behind my ears as I turned to face her. "That's okay." I shook my head. "I just have to get out of here."

Before she could say anything else, I walked out of the house. The realization that I rode here with Stefan and Caroline hit me as I walked down the porch steps. I continued walking, heading toward town.

Alaric dying was unnecessary. His sacrifice was admirable, but he didn't need to give up his life when someone else could have done the same thing.

I walked into the Grill and seated myself at a booth. There were only a couple of people in the restaurant, and they all seemed to be deeply involved in their own conversations. I ordered a bottle of bourbon from the server who approached me. She brought along a glass with it.

As I downed the first few glasses, I condemned myself for letting Kai distract me from saving everyone. I drank the last of what was in the fifth glass before sitting the empty glass on the table with a sigh. I leaned my head back and stared at the glass as I filled it again. I sat the bottle down and moved my hands to my thighs.

Ric didn't deserve to die. It should've been me. It could be me. I could find a way to bring him back.

I didn't bring my attention to whoever sat across from me. I kept my eyes on the nearly full glass.

"Hey."

The sound of Kai's voice made my heart jump. The tears that I had kept in my eyes were significantly harder to keep in now. "What do you want?"

"Nothing," he answered as he crossed his arms on the table.

I scoffed as I reached for the glass I poured. I didn't respond, I only took a drink from the glass before sitting it back on the table. I kept my gaze focused on the settling liquid.

"Is it really so hard to believe that I just want to be here for you?" The genuine softness in his voice made my chest feel tighter. "Evelyn," he whispered.

I breathed out shakily. "Yes." It was getting increasingly difficult to keep myself from looking at him.

The intensity of his stare made my ears ring. I could feel his want for me to look at him, burning into my skin.

I had thought that being around him may be easy, but I was wrong. This is one of the most painful experiences of my life.

"Well, I do." He paused for a moment. "And I know you need someone or else you wouldn't be here drinking all day, so let me stay with you."

His words went straight to my head, making me feel light. I hadn't realized what it would feel like for someone, especially him, to offer to sit with me. I had only imagined what it would feel like for Caroline to drag me back home, the last place I wanted to be at.

I can't even imagine what being around each other will do to me. Having someone I know I don't need to have will destroy me, and then again, that's how we started out.

I took a breath before I responded to him. "Fine." I heard him take a breath. I picked up the glass and drank the rest of what was in the glass. I sat the glass back down and then leaned back in my seat. The exhaustion of the past week was starting to get to my head.

"Why are you here? Drinking, I mean. I didn't think it was in your nature."

"I didn't think cheating was in yours, but here we are."

"Okay." He was quiet for a moment. "I deserved that." He sat back. "Can you answer the question now?"

"I was at Jo's. We started talking about you and then Alaric," I blinked, letting my eyes stay shut for a few seconds longer. "I just needed to get away from it."

"It?"

I huffed as I opened my eyes. "The guilt. I felt bad for talking about you because Ric actually died, and you just..." I sighed. "I wanted to stop feeling guilty, so I tried to think of ways to bring him back.The only ways I could think of were trading places with him."

"But you're not going to do it." It felt like more of a question. He has no say in what I do now.

"I don't know." I looked down at my lap for a second before looking back at my empty glass. "I want to."

"Why?"

"It just..." The few tears that spilled from my eyes made me feel worse. "It would be better for everyone. Ric was the only person who could fix everything and be there for everyone. He had Jo and the twins, and he chose to let go of the life he always wanted to save everyone. I have nothing now, and I have no future. Taking Ric's place is the only contribution I'll ever make to anyone's life."

"Killing yourself isn't helping anyone."

"It will help me."

"Evelyn, stop," he deadpanned.

I wiped the tears off my cheeks. "I'm not kidding."

"That's the worst part."

I rolled my eyes as I looked over at the window. How did I not hear the rain? The worst part is that no one's talked to me about anything. When Ryan took me home, all I did was cry and then go to sleep. Then he left. I haven't gone home since. I don't want to. I've stayed at the boarding house. Being alone in that house feels like walking to the podium at my mom's funeral.

"You haven't looked at me."

"No?"

"No," he answered after a beat.

"Does that upset you?" I kept staring at the pouring rain.

"Honestly... yes."

I debated on looking at him, even just a glance. "Why?" I already know the answer, but there's not much else I can say to him that's not full of profanity and shame. I looked at the less than half full bottle of alcohol. The effects were starting to catch up to me.

"Because it wasn't two weeks ago that we were engaged."

"Right. The engagement. The one where I didn't get a ring because some other girl already had it."

He sighed quietly. "You never let me explain."

"I don't need an explanation." Everything felt slower.

"You deserve to know everything."

I let my eyes fall shut. "The more you talk about it, the more tempting the edge of a cliff gets."

"Fine, I'll stop talking about it. You're too drunk to remember it anyway. But can you at least look at me."

I felt nauseous. I opened my eyes before lifting my head to look at him. He looks better than I want him, too. His eyes pulled my attention away from everything, consuming my every thought. Everything went quiet. The only things that existed were him and I. The buzz of the world around us died, allowing a few peaceful minutes to pass where nothing except us mattered.

"Did you drive here?"

I shook my head once, too entranced in him to let coherence find me.

"And I'm assuming no one knows you're here."

I opened my mouth to speak, but no words fell from it. My eyes followed him as he slid out of the booth and walked closer to me. He held out his hand. I furrowed my brows as I pressed my lips together.

"Let me drive you home."

Without processing what I was fully agreeing to, I looked at his hand as I put mine in his. He helped me to my feet, then helped me find my balance. The feeling of his hand around mine made me feel warmer somehow.

He walked me out of the Grill. The rain had died down some, and he parked close so we didn't get rained on much, but walking to his car felt like walking up a very steep hill. He helped me into the passenger seat before getting in the driver's seat. Once the car was moving, I had to close my eyes to suppress the vomit that was turning my stomach over.

"You okay?"

I hummed in response. I breathed out slowly, trying to keep myself calm. I opened my eyes and looked out the window. He was driving slower now. I felt my heart jump slightly. Thinking it was because of me felt like an insane thing to do. His ability to make even the smallest of things seem big makes me believe that maybe my dying would make a difference. The thought of dying only made me think about going home, which is where he's taking me.

"What's wrong?" His voice was soft and laced with concern.

I glanced at him for a moment before looking in front of me again. "Don't worry about it." My voice was quieter than I wanted it to be, but if I spoke any louder, the tears in my eyes would break free.

"I'm going to, so you might as well just tell me."

"It's just... stupid. It's nothing. You don't need to worry about it."

"If it were nothing, you wouldn't be talking about it or crying."

I breathed out slowly. I thought about it for a moment before speaking. He stopped at a red light at an empty fourway. I could feel his eyes on me.

"Baby, it's me. You can tell me what's wrong."

Baby. The tears in my eyes spilled over. "I'm afraid to go home." I looked at my hands in my lap. "It's so empty. It makes me feel alone." After a few seconds of letting his words echo in my mind, I looked at him. "I don't want to be alone."

A pained look coated his expression. His hand moved to the side of my face. I breathed out shakily. His eyes looked across my face, taking in every feature. "You can stay with me." He strummed his thumb across my cheek, wiping away the tears that fell from my eyes.

"Okay," I answered quietly.

He nodded once before reluctantly pulling away. I leaned back in the seat, staring at my hands. I took a deep breath before breathing out slowly.

We got out. I kept my hand on the car as I walked toward him. His footsteps toward me ceased when we were close enough to touch. He grabbed my hand and guided me to his apartment. The light inside was blinding. I shut my eyes and let him pull me with him.

The elevator doors closed. My head felt heavy. I slid my fingers between his as I moved my other hand to his arm. I rested my forehead against his arm, letting my eyes close. He squeezed my hand gently.

The doors opened, and I lifted my head. I stared at the floor as we walked. He opened the door and pulled me inside. I paused for a moment to see that nothing's different.

He stepped in front of me, letting go of my hand. He watched his hands as he pushed my hair behind my ears. The feeling of his skin brushing mine sent chills down my spine.

"You can sleep in my bed."

I furrowed my brows. "I want you to sleep with me." A cocky grin formed on his lips as he looked away. I put my hands on his chest, grabbing his shirt and leaning closer. "Not like that." He looked at me again. The smile dropped from his face slowly. He glanced at my lips for a few fleeting seconds before looking into my eyes again. I tilted my head, parting my lips as I gathered my senses and tried to pull my attention away from how close we were. "Please."

"Okay," he answered immediately. There was a hint of desperation in his tone.

His lips were inches from mine. I loosened my hold on his shirt as I pulled apart from him. After a moment of lingering tension that didn't deflate, he led me to his bedroom. He pushed the door shut as I took a few steps into the room.

I stared at the bed. I felt him walk up behind me and stop for a moment before walking in front of me. I looked up at his face. He was quiet for a moment. I felt too exhausted to be awkward with him. I took off my shoes as I pulled my shirt over my head.

His eyes moved up from my chest quickly. I pulled my phone out of my back pocket. I checked the message from Caroline without responding and then turned my phone off.

"Here."

I looked up at the shirt Kai was offering me. I traded him my phone for it and pulled it over my head after pushing off the shorts I was wearing. The shirt barely passed my hips. I put my hand on my phone that was resting on his hand as I looked at his face, "Thanks."

The lightheadedness was increasing as the drowsiness was continually setting in. He pulled his hand away before helping me into bed. He put my phone on the nightstand. He pulled the blanket over me before walking to his side of the bed. My eyes fell shut.

I felt him lay next to me. He shifted closer. I could feel his eyes on me. I lifted up on my elbows and opened my eyes. I looked at him. "I can feel you watching me."

He smiled, "Sorry."

"It's creepy. It's also hard to sleep when someone's watching me."

"It's also hard to sleep if you keep avoiding it."

I furrowed my brows. "Avoiding it? I'm not avoiding it."

"Lay down."

I stared at him for a moment before laying back down. I turned from my stomach to my side. I forced my eyes to stay open. "I'm not even tired."

He turned to face me. "Tell me what you drank tonight."

"I wasn't drinking."

"So you're just naturally drunk?"

"I'm high on life."

"Close your eyes."

"And if I don't?"

"I'll blindfold you."

As tempting as it sounds, I don't particularly feel up to it. I let my eyes fall shut.

"Now relax." His voice was low and soft, making the urge to climb on top of him more tempting. My body followed his commands as if it were his to command.

I wanted to be closer to him, but I was too exhausted to move by my own volition. I tried to fight the sleep that was washing over me, but it wasn't an option anymore.