25

"So you're sleeping with him again?"

I stopped playing with my hair and turned to look at Caroline. "No. I'm never sleeping with him again. He's an unremorseful, narcissistic douchebag who only cares about himself."

"Really, because you two looked pretty close the other day." She continued putting on mascara. "He was practically groping you behind that counter."

I groaned in disgust. "Caroline, no. That's gross."

"Okay, fine. If you're not sleeping with him, who are you sleeping with?"

I didn't answer for a minute. "I don't need to sleep with someone."

She walked out of my bathroom and into my room. She adjusted her dress as she continued berating me about whatever she could think about. "You're really uptight and serious. It's stressing you out, which is stressing everyone else out. You haven't had sex in over a year, which isn't healthy, by the way. For the sake of every person you interact with, go hook up with someone."

I rolled my eyes and moved off my bed. "I'm answering the door."

"Tell him I'm not done."

I walked to the front door and pulled it open. I let Stefan in. "She's not done."

"Is she ever?" I smiled and turned to face him. He turned to me. "Are you okay?"

I crossed my arms. "I'm fine. Why?"

He shook his head once. "You just seem tense."

"Hmm." I tilted my head. "Well, I'm fine."

He seemed unsure. Caroline's footsteps filled my ears as she walked toward us. I looked over at her.

A few minutes later, they were out the door. I made my way back up to my room. I threw myself on the bed, screaming into my pillow. I ignored my ringing phone. Until it kept ringing. Seven times. I answered on the eighth.

"Hello?"

"Are you busy?" Ryan sounded upset.

I sat up. "Is something wrong?"

"I-" His voice wavered. "My brother died."

I felt my heart sink. "Ryan," I cooed. "Where are you?"

"I don't know. I- I've been driving for a really long time and I just... My car broke down. I'm close to you. I was on my way." A sob carried through the phone.

"Okay." I got off my bed. "Do you have any clue where you are?"

"Uhm... No. I'm sorry."

"It's okay, honey." I started walking to the front door. "I'll find you. Stay where you are."

"Okay." He was quiet.

"I have to hang up now so I can come find you. Will you be okay?"

"I think so."

"Okay. I love you, Ryan. I'll be there soon."

"Okay."

I sighed and ended the call. I tried to call Bonnie, but she didn't answer. Straight to voicemail. I thought of any other person who could do a tracking spell, but no one came to mind. Except him.

I cursed myself as I knocked on his door. I reminded myself this isn't for me. It's for Ryan.

Kai's smile made me feel things I didn't need. "Hey, beautiful."

"I need a favor."

He tilted his head, "What can I do for you?"

"I need you to find Ryan."

He furrowed his brows. "Why?"

"Kai."

He sighed and turned, leaving the door open. I walked in and shut the door. A few minutes passed, and he returned from his room. He was holding a marked map. He handed it to me, and I analyzed it.

"I can't find his exact location, but he's somewhere here."

"Thanks."

"Evelyn."

I looked at his face. The look on his face made my heart flutter.

"What's going on?"

I breathed out shakily. "Ryan's brother died. Ryan was driving to me, and his car broke down. He's really upset."

He stepped closer. "You look upset. Are you sure you can drive? That's a lot of places to look when you're alone. I can help."

I shook my head, "You've already helped -"

He put his hands on my shoulders after stepping closer. "You can't drive like this." He nodded once, taking the map from me.

"Thank you." I almost choked on the words.

He nodded once.

We left his apartment and then started driving around. Unfortunately, there was a lot of ground to cover. Three hours were spent working our way to where we need to be. He parked the car near Ryan's. I got out, and he followed me. He wasn't around. I called out for him, but he wasn't around. I started to panic. I called his phone over and over and got no answer.

My hands were shaking as I texted him. Kai called Damon and Caroline. While I waited by the car for Caroline, Damon, and Stefan, Kai went to look for him in the woods.

Caroline hugged me tightly. "We'll find him," she whispered.

I pulled away from her. I told her which way Kai went. She and Stefan went the opposite way. Damon took a different way. After thirty minutes, they were all back with me. My stomach flipped thinking about where he went.

"Maybe his phone died, and he went to find -"

Damon stopped talking when we all heard yelling. Then a splash.

The quarry.

"Oh my God." I felt bile in my throat. I started running.

"Evelyn!"

I ignored Kai's voice and kept running. I stopped at the tree line. There was a phone on the ground. I gasped for air. I run toward the edge, almost falling in. Before I could see anything, I was pulled back. Kai's hands were holding my upper arms tightly. I was forced to look at him.

I pressed my fists against his chest. "I have to see if it's him. Please," I begged. A sob escaped my throat.

He kept me close to his body. "No, baby." He tilted his head. "Just keep looking at me, okay," he whispered.

I shook my head, "I can't."

He looked away for a minute. His hands loosened. I slipped away from him, rushing to the edge. I could see him floating in the water. Not breathing. Not swimming. Floating. Dead.

Something louder than a scream escaped my mouth. I started to throw myself over the edge when my body felt too heavy.

Kai pulled me back to him. I gasped for air as I pleaded for him to let me go. "I need... to save him." I fisted his shirt in my hands. "Please," I cried.

He squeezed my arms tightly as he stared into my eyes. "You can not jump off this cliff. If you die, I die. I can't - " He looked over the edge, then back at me. "Stay here." I felt tears falling from my eyes. "I need you to stay away from the edge and wait until I tell you it's okay. Do you understand?"

I nodded frantically as I gasped for air. He walked me back from the edge. I felt Damon's hand on my arm, keeping me close to him. I watched Kai walk away, going down to the lake. I struggled to catch my breath and stay calm. Neither of those seemed impossible.

My best friend is probably dead, and I'm standing here crying. Being coddled by Damon Salvatore. I should be down there. He needs me.

I started to pull away, but Damon tightened his grip. "You can't be down there, Evelyn."

I turned to face him, putting my hands on his chest. "Damon, please. He..." I inhaled sharply. "He's my best friend. If I don't try to save him, I'll never forgive myself."

His eyes followed the tear down my cheek. I felt his grip loosen. I rushed down to the lake, hyperventilating as I walked. I stopped at the tree line. Kai was standing over Ryan, staring down at him with a hopeless look.

"No." I stumbled over to him. I ignored Stefan's attempt to pull me away from Ryan. I sucked in a breath of air as I collapsed beside Ryan. I held his face in my hands, making him look at me. "Open your eyes." I wiped the water off his cheek with my thumb.

"Evelyn," Caroline sat down beside me. She put her hand on my shoulder.

My hands moved to his chest as I looked at Caroline. "I can't lose him."

There were tears in her eyes. She slid her hand to my back. Before the words could slip out of her open mouth, water came out of Ryan's. I turned back to him. He gasped for air, moving his hands to mine. I took a deep breath, squeezing my hands tightly. Caroline moved back.

After a few minutes of quiet, he sat up. He looked at me. His eyes searched my face. He moved his hand to the side of my face, wiping a tear off my cheek. The look in his eyes made me wonder if he wanted to be saved.

He moved back and stood up. I took his hands that he offered, pulling myself up. I wrapped my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. He hugged me around my waist, keeping me against his body. I took a shaky breath.

"I'm sorry," he whispered.

I closed my eyes, keeping the tears in my eyes. I didn't respond to him.

He called me. I told him to stay where he was, but he didn't. He's hurting, and he's mourning. And he needed me. I was on my way. And he decided he wanted to kill himself.

Why am I angry about this? Am I allowed to be angry about this?

I pulled back from him, sliding my hands to his chest. I stared at him. He looked disappointed. Probably because he failed.

Did he call me just so someone would be able to find his body?

I could see thoughts behind his eyes. I've had that look on my face hundreds of times. I'll be damned if I don't recognize it.

He sighed as he pulled away from me. He turned and started walking away. I didn't follow him.

"What... Where's he going?" Kai walked up next to me.

I shook my head once. I looked at him. He was soaking wet. His hair was drenched, and so were his clothes. He saved Ryan. For me.

Caroline and Stefan walked in front of me. "We can follow him and make sure he's safe," Stefan suggested.

I felt lightheaded. "No," I swallowed the lump in my throat. "He's..." I shook my head. "He can't go anywhere. That's why I came to get him."

"What's wrong?" Kai's question was immediate.

I looked at him. The two of him that there were. I shook my head once, furrowing my brows. "What?"

I watched his lips move as he spoke, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He moved closer, catching me as I lost balance. He wrapped one arm around my waist and kept his other hand on my arm. I pressed my hands against his body. I forced my eyes open and looked at his face.

He moved his hand from my arm to my head, making me look at him. He tilted his head down, "What's wrong, Evelyn?"

"I'm fine." My vision turned black. "I think..." Dizziness was all I could feel except his hands on me.

"Evelyn," he spoke softly. He moved his hand to the side of my head, resting just behind my ear.

I don't know why I can't respond or see. The only thing I can hear is his voice. He pulled me into him. I rested my head against his chest.

"I'll take her home. Go make sure Ryan's okay." His voice is hazy and quiet.

I faintly hear Caroline ask what's wrong. Kai doesn't know, but he assures her he'll find out. Which makes me feel better. The feeling of his thumb brushing my cheek is the last thing I can comprehend.

I opened my eyes and sat up, looking around and recognizing Kai's car. I looked over to see him in the driver's seat.

He turned to me, putting his hand on my shoulder. "You're okay." He nodded once. "You were overwhelmed, and your body couldn't handle it. But you should be fine now."

I looked out the window. The sun was up, shining light onto my house. I looked at him. "How long have we been here?"

He dropped his hand to the console. "A few hours."

I furrowed my brows. "What?"

"You were asleep. I didn't want to wake you."

I still feel exhausted. "So, you -" I stopped to take a breath. "You should've."

He tilted his head. The words he wanted to say were stuck on his tongue. He looked at his hand for a second. His eyes found mine again. "Ryan's okay. His mom picked him up about an hour ago, so he's with her now."

I felt infuriated, but I didn't know why. The soft tone of Kai's voice registered in my mind. "Why are you being nice?"

He stared at me like I should know the answer. "You went through a lot tonight." He hesitated, "And you..." He swallowed. "I can feel what you did, Ev."

I was confused at first. Then it registered. Suddenly, I felt trapped by his gaze. "I can't talk about it." I didn't mean for it to sound timid.

"That's okay." He squeezed his hand into a fist. "You don't have to. I just need you to know that you don't have to do that. You can -"

"Get help." I nodded. I looked away from him. "That's what everyone says."

"I mean it, though. Hurting yourself isn't helping you in the way you think, baby." He moved his hand to the side of my face, turning my head and making me look at him. "It's a bad habit, and I know it's hard for you. But you don't have to keep doing this. You can talk about it. Even if it's not me that you talk to. I just want you to stop hurting yourself."

I loathed myself for my inability to stop myself from crying. "I'm sorry," I whispered. Anything louder would allow me to cry harder. That's the last thing I need.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for," he whispered back.

I stared at him, unsure of what to say. He was letting me be vulnerable. Maybe he doesn't hate me. Maybe the hope that he still has feelings for me can come back.

My eyes instinctively flashed to his lips. I pulled my eyes away and looked down between us.

We called a truce. We're friends. We're not in love. I reminded myself.

I pulled his hand away from my face. "Thank you." I looked at his face. "For helping me."

The confusion and frustration on his face dissipated quickly. It was there long enough for me to see it, though. "Yeah," he answered. There was a quiet sigh that slipped past his lips. He forced a smile on his face. "I'm glad I could help."

I moved my hand from his to the door. I was tempted to apologize for something, but I couldn't figure out what it was.

"Get some rest."

I nodded. "I will."

"And don't die."

I laughed softly. "Because you'll die. I know."

He was hesitant to speak. "Yeah." He nodded once.

"Bye, Kai."

He nodded again. "Goodbye, Evelyn."

I opened the door and got out. I walked to my front door. He didn't drive away until I was inside. A few seconds later and Caroline was in front of me, doing a routine checkup. I assured her I was fine, and it was just exhaustion. Then she ordered me to go to bed.

I didn't have to try and force myself to sleep. Once I was in comfortable clothes and lying in bed, my eyes were heavy, and I was drifting to sleep.

The next morning, I got up. I felt disoriented after getting a shower. The water was practically burning my skin. After getting ready, I walked out of my room. I kept my hand on the wall as I walked down the steps. I halted my footsteps at the entrance to the living room. Caroline and Damon looked over at me. Whatever they were talking about wasn't for my ears, apparently.

Caroline walked closer to me. "Hey."

"Hey. Aren't you supposed to be at Tyler's?"

"Well, considering what happened last night, I thought you would -"

I stepped into the living room, "No. Don't use me as an excuse to cancel this party. I'm fine."

"You don't seem fine."

I looked at Damon. "Well, I am. If you don't believe me, that's your problem. But I'm fine. Seriously." I looked at her. "Call Tyler and tell him you changed your mind again."

She tilted her head, "Are you sure? You couldn't even -"

"I'm breathing, aren't I?"

She sighed, "You just -"

"Caroline! I'm fine!" She and Damon exchanged glances. She pulled her phone out of her pocket as she walked out of the room. I turned to Damon. "What are you doing here?"

An offended look crossed his face, "I was making sure you weren't dead."

"I'm not."

He narrowed his eyes, "Obviously." He shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "Kai brought you home last night. He didn't hurt you or anything, right?"

I furrowed my brows. "No."

"He didn't... I mean, you didn't have -"

"No! Why would you even think that?"

"Because! It's what you did before you left! And you two are getting way too close for my comfort."

"That's just what we were worried about. Thanks for letting me know."

"Hey. I'm not just worried about me. Your sanity is at stake here. Ryan went into great detail about what happened after you left."

I tilted my head. "I'm fine. That's not happening again because Kai and I are just friends. Not even that, actually. We talk to each other. That's all. No sex, no friendship."

"You don't actually believe you have that much self-control when it comes to him, right?"

I looked over my shoulder, hearing a knock on the door. I looked at Damon again. "I do. He's just a guy." A really hot and caring guy who occasionally makes me want to jump off a cliff.

"Mhm."

I walked to the door, ignoring his sentiment. I pulled the door open, confused when I saw Kai. "What- What are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?"

I could tell there was something on his mind. "Sure." I stepped back as I pulled the door open.

He walked in. "Damon."

I walked over after shutting the door. I looked at Damon.

"Told you so."

I crossed my arms. "No, you didn't."

"What?"

I looked at Kai. "Nothing." I looked at Damon again. "Don't you have somewhere to be?"

He smirked, "Not really."

I hummed in amusement. "That's not surprising."

Caroline joined in the conversation. "Actually, we do." She stopped beside Damon. "Go distract Elena. I'm going to Tyler's to start getting things ready." She turned to face us. "Are you sure about this?"

"I'm fine, Caroline. Just go."

She looked at Kai. "Are you coming tonight?"

He and I looked at each other. He looked at Caroline again. "Sure."

I looked at the floor for a beat before looking at Caroline and Damon.

"Well," Caroline looked at Damon before looking at me. "We should probably go."

I nodded once, "Okay." They stood there for a minute, then they left. I sighed as I uncrossed my arms. I stepped in front of him. "What are you doing here?"

He tilted his head, his eyes roaming my face. "You were pretty out of it yesterday. I just wanted to see if you were okay."

I took a breath. "That would be a two-minute conversation, and you know that I'm fine. You can feel if I'm in pain or not." I shook my head, "Why are you here?"

His lips were parted as he stared at me. "I saw what you did when you found Ryan. I know you would've stayed with him even if he didn't wake up. And I know you were at the wedding. You saw me die."

"Kai," I warned.

"You didn't stay there."

I stared at him. "What do you want me to say?"

He shook his head as if he was in disbelief. "I want you to tell me what happened, Evelyn. You said that you care about me. If you care so much, then why didn't you stay? Why didn't you try to find me when you got back?"

"I did," I squeezed between his rant. I could barely breathe.

"Why didn't you call? Or come home? Why did you stay away? Do you even care, or were you just trying to save yourself?"

I looked to the side and shook my head. "Don't do this." I looked at him.

He stared down at me. "You left because it was the only way you could get away from me. You left just like everyone else. You should've just told me the truth instead of leading me on! You didn't have to say you care about me if you didn't. You shouldn't have said it. You shouldn't have said anything, actually."

"Kai, stop -"

"You never cared about me, and you could've just said that. You were using me to get back at everyone and prove you could do something. You didn't care."

I swallowed the lump in my throat, trying to pull the tears back from my eyes.

"I've wanted to believe that you haven't been ignoring me this entire time and that you were just busy, but now I know that you really just don't care about me." He shook his head once. "I was an idiot for believing you weren't like everyone else."

He stepped back before walking toward the front door. I uncrossed my arms and turned to him, "Kai, wait." As I took a step toward the door, he slammed it shut behind him. I inhaled sharply as I walked to the door. I pulled the door open and looked for him. He was gone.

I blew out a breath of air to keep myself calm. I walked further outside. He really left.

I pulled my phone out of my pocket and called him. It went straight to voicemail. I went back inside and put on my shoes. I grabbed my keys and shut the front door behind me. I got in my car and drove to his apartment.

There was no answer when I knocked. I tried to open the door, but it was locked.

I leaned back against his door and waited. After a few hours, I got a call. I answered as quickly as possible, hoping it was him. "Hello?"

"Hey! Where are you? The party started an hour ago."

I sighed and looked down the hall. "I was waiting for..." I sucked in a breath of air. "Have you seen Kai?"

"Umm... Yeah. He's here with a girl. He showed up like half an hour ago."

I felt angry. How could he say all those things then go off and be with another girl. I didn't feel so much pity for myself anymore. He thinks I don't care and then does things that prove he doesn't care. "Okay." I rose to my feet and started walking out of the building.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I pressed the lobby button. "I'll tell you later. I'll be there soon."

"Okay. Don't forget your boots."

I laughed at the thought of this party actually being western. "Okay." I ended the call.

...

I walked into the kitchen of the Lockwood mansion to find Caroline talking to Stefan. She glanced at me, then whipped her entire body to face me. "Hey!"

I smiled, "Hi."

She twirled one of my curled pigtails around her finger, "You look great!"

I pushed her hand away. "This isn't my first rodeo."

She laughed softly. "Are you still looking for Kai?"

I tried to keep my false smile. "No," I answered unintentionally flatly.

"What happened," Stefan wondered.

I shook my head and crossed my arms. "We got into an argument. I've been looking for him to try and fix things, but his priorities are obviously much more different from mine." I tilted my head, "It's fine, though. Now I can actually move on."

Caroline smiled, "That's the spirit." She turned and grabbed a cup. She turned back to me and forced me to grab it. "Go get drunk and have fun."

I glanced at Stefan before walking out of the kitchen. I walked down through the hallway of people. I was blocked by a ball of people jumping simultaneously. I took the opportunity to down whatever was in the cup. I coughed, nearly choking on the vodka.

She's trying to kill me. The drink burned my esophagus.

"Hey!"

I turned to see Jeremy. His hat made me giggle. "Hi! When did you get back?"

"Last night. Caroline called me earlier and told me about the party. When did you get back?"

"A few weeks ago. For Ric and Jo's wedding."

He nodded once. "I heard about that. I'm kind of glad I didn't go. Is that bad?"

I laughed and shook my head, "No."

The smile on his face grew. He looked at my cup. "Refill?"

I looked at the cup and handed it to him. "Thanks."

He nodded and walked into the kitchen. The muscles in his back moved under his shirt, making me feel lightheaded. When did he get hot? I looked back at the group, stepping away once I realized it was just men. Frat boys.

"Here you go." Jeremy slipped the cup into my hand.

I held it tighter as I looked at him. "Thanks."

"I'm gonna go find Elena. I'll see you later."

I nodded, "Later."

He smiled before walking off. I walked into the living room as I downed the cup. Maybe I'll feel even better if I'm drunk faster. I felt hands on my hips as I looked down and put my arm out to my side. I swallowed the drink I took. The guy handling me smiled a toothy grin. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't turned on just by the way he was smiling at me.

"Hey."

I put my hand on his wrist. "Hi." I leaned into him.

"You're Evelyn."

I nodded, "Yeah."

He leaned down. "I'm Evan."

I tilted my head, "How did you know my name?"

He looked at my lips. "I asked Tyler. Wanna dance?"

"Uhuh," I nodded.

His smile widened as he dragged me further into the room. He pulled my hips against his. "You're really hot."

"I know."

He laughed softly. He started kissing me, moving his hand to my back to hold me against him. I pressed my hand against his chest. He kissed me harder, his hand holding my hip tighter. I reached for his hand.

He stopped kissing me to try and catch his breath. He stared into my eyes. "You want this," he whispered.

I felt like I needed this. Like I needed him. "I want this."

He smiled and tilted his head. "I'm gonna get you a drink, I'll be right back."

"Okay," I smiled.

A few minutes later, he was in front of me again, putting a cup to my lips. I took it from him and looked at what was inside. It seemed foamy. "Drink all of it."

I reluctantly drank whatever was in the cup. The fear in my mind was growing, but I ignored it. He took the cup from me and dropped it. He grabbed me again and started moving my body. I started to feel dizzy, and my head was clouded. It was hard for me to stay upright without stumbling into him. When I tried to speak, nothing would come out. My vision was blurry.

I felt him turn me and start guiding me up the steps to another room. I tried to pull away from him, but I couldn't. I heard the click of the lock on the door. He ushered me to a bed, and I fell forward onto it. I giggled as I rolled to my back. I blinked a few times to clear my vision. There were two of him. He was taking off his jacket, then brushing his hand through his hair.

I felt queasy and exhausted. I could barely move. I couldn't hold my eyes open. I tried to get up, but I couldn't. I felt his body on top of mine. He grabbed my wrist and pulled them above my head. I tried to speak, but no sound came out. He kissed the base of my neck, then higher, then my jaw.

His hand was inside of my shirt, sliding under my bra. I tried to push against him, but I couldn't. The panic was trapped in my throat, making me silent. He moved his hand to my stomach, pushing me into the bed as he pushed himself between my legs. He moved his hand to my shorts, trying to unbutton them.

He was torn off of me by whoever just crashed through the door.

I tried to speak, but it came out muffled. I couldn't move from where I was.

I felt a hand on the side of my face. "Evelyn, open your eyes." It wasn't Evan.

I forced my eyes open, breathing out slowly. Kai was blurry. The look on his face made me sad. So sad that I didn't want to look at him anymore.