38. stars

CHAPTER THIRTY EIGHT

STARS

—

"Okay, do you promise that this isn't a double date?"

Eden sighed for the fifth— or was it the sixth?— time that evening, reaching up to fix Dmitri's collar that was sticking up, smoothening it down and stepping back as she scanned him up and down.

"I promise, this is just four friends hangin' out," she tried to assure, but it did nothing to ease Dmitri's worries. "I'm movin' out in like— four days, I just wanted to hang out before we moved. That's it."

It wasn't that Dmitri didn't want to go on a date with Tariq. In fact, he wanted nothing more than to go on a date with him.

It was just that Tariq didn't even know that Dmitri was head over heels in love with him.  Meaning that this not-a-date could end up very badly. Very badly.

"I'm literally in love with him, E," Dmitri muttered, watching as Eden strapped on a thin gold watch on her wrist, fixing the strap on her gold dress, the same one that she wore at Trinh's birthday party. "Like, I want to spend the rest of my life with him kind of love."

Of course, since Dmitri hadn't mentioned any of this to her until that exact moment, she let out the loudest fucking gasp of her life, throwing a hand over her mouth and saying, "Holy fuck. Does he— ?"

Right at that moment, Trinh apparently decided to pound on the door, yelling out a sharp, "Eden, if you aren't ready in the next two minutes, we're leaving without you!"

"Bitch, I'm your girlfriend!" Eden yelled back. "I know you wanna see me look pretty, so just— wait for a minute. Jesus." Then, she turned around to face Dmitri again, continuing, "Anyway. Where were we?"

Sighing, Dmitri shook his head, fastening Eden's necklace for her as he said, "He doesn't know. Tariq. We—" Wait, can Trinh hear? Lowering his voice to a whisper, he continued, "We kissed the other day. Well, that was a literal month ago, but anyway. And we've been spending so much time together, and I know that he doesn't hate me or anything, but I don't know if he wants a relationship. At all."

"At all?" Eden echoed.

"I don't know if he ever wants to do a relationship again," he admitted softly, the words sending a spike through his own chest.

All he wanted was to be able to kiss Tariq without regretting it every time. That was all he wanted.

Honestly, the whole situation felt so unbelievably familiar, save for the fact that now, it was dialed up. The genuine love that Dmitri felt for Tariq, the longing to kiss him, the need to hear Tariq tell him that he loved him too. Everything was in excess, to the point where it was practically oozing out of him.

It was easier before. Because before, Dmitri knew that Tariq loved him. Now, he wasn't so sure.

"I..." Eden trailed off, staring up at him, just staring for a whole four seconds, until she sighed. "I think you should tell him. I get vibes from him."

Dmitri frowned as he shoved his wallet into the pocket of his dress pants, making sure that the dark blue material of his shirt was fully tucked into his pants. Then, he just laughed and said, "Vibes?"

Fervently nodding, Eden shot him a wide smile, teeth contrasting against her dark skin and equally dark eyeliner. "Y'know. The..." she mumbled, but Dmitri had no fucking clue what she was insinuating. "The love vibes. The absolutely, one hundred percent whipped vibes. I saw it right from that time last week when he came over because Juno was sick and he knew that you always get overwhelmed when she was sick."

"That was nothing," Dmitri stated, but was it really nothing?

There was no denying that Tariq knew him well, as well as Eden knew him, if not better. He knew exactly when he was anxious, when he was thinking about his parents, when he was depressed.

But more than that, he knew how to help him when he got like that. Or at least, he tried, because there was no way he could help when his depressive episodes were different every time, or when his anxiety attacks ranged from needing to be held to needing to be left alone.

People trying was enough for him. It made him feel like maybe, he wasn't so irrelevant. And that was a good feeling to feel.

Tariq being in love with him? There was absolutely no way.

"It wasn't nothin' and you know it," Eden chided, quickly applying her lipstick and shooting Dmitri an off-white grin. "Do I look pretty enough for a date?"

"You said that it wasn't a date!"

Huffing, Eden rolled her eyes, spritzing some perfume on herself as she said, "Yes, I lied. Yes, Trinh and I decided to do this today because seein' you sad about Tariq not lovin' you when he so clearly does, makes me sad. Yes, I'm usin' this as an excuse to dress pretty. Now tell me I'm pretty."

An involuntary smile cracked on Dmitri's lips, because how the fuck could he even be mad at Eden when she was one of the best things to happen to him?

"You're beautiful," he reminded, causing Eden's smile to only grow wider. "The prettiest girl I ever did see."

Slipping on her heels that she only used for very special occasions, Eden hummed, finally stepping out of the room, and earning a dramatic gasp from Trinh.

"Y'all are finally ready, thank fuck," Trinh muttered, but once his eyes fell on Eden, the fake-annoyance behind them faded away as he grinned and said, "You're so pretty. I love you."

"And you're fuckin' handsome," Eden shot back, leaning down to peck his lips. God, I see what you've done for other people. "Are you ready?"

Trinh just rolled his eyes, fixing the stray hairs that were falling in front of his eyes and saying, "Am I ready? I've literally been waiting for half an hour." Scanning Dmitri up and down, he sighed, standing on his tip toes and fixing the collar that seemed to be popping up every five minutes. "Now, let's pick Tariq up since the bitch is scared to drive at night. Okay?"

So, that was what they did, because as much as Dmitri liked to piss Trinh off, he liked Tariq more.

Everything was mostly quiet through the ride, apart from the casual conversation between Trinh and Eden, hushed whispers that Dmitri wished he couldn't hear because they were so disgustingly cute.

But when they reached Tariq's apartment and Dmitri laid his eyes on Tariq, Eden and Trinh's voices melted into a blur, his only focus being Tariq.

He didn't know why, but Tariq was suddenly ten times more attractive, ten times more everything.

Maybe it was because he was completely fucking in love with Tariq, or maybe it was because Tariq had finally shaved the beard that he had been too lazy to shave for the past two weeks.

It was definitely the former more than the latter, but it was still really fucking hard to admit that he was really in love with someone who didn't love him back.

But when Tariq climbed into the backseat of the car and gave Dmitri the widest of smiles, he just about melted.

"You look hot," Tariq murmured to Dmitri when all the greetings and yelling on Trinh's part was over, before adding a louder, "Hey, this isn't a date, right?"

"Just friends hanging out," Trinh said in response, making eye contact with Tariq and then with Dmitri as he drove. "Nothing more to it."

A hum left Tariq's lips, and he just nodded, shifting his gaze from Trinh, to Dmitri— why?—, to his fingers that were painted a dark green, almost an olive green, identical to the colour of his shirt.

"As I was saying," he mumbled, turning his head to the right to glance at Dmitri. "You look hot as fuck. I like your piercing," he pointed out, before adding, "And your shirt. The colour. It's nice on you. I mean, there isn't a colour that isn't your colour, well, other than like, a bright yellow or— actually, never mind, you'd look hot as fuck in that, too.

I love you. I love you. I love you. "You look— yeah," Dmitri stuttered out. It seemed like they were both having trouble communicating for some reason. Oh fuck, can he tell? "You look hot. I— you look nice. I like your earrings. And your nails, and your—"

"Rambling," Tariq reminded, and just like that, all his tension seemed to ebb out of his body, but Dmitri's remained. "Hey, also. So, uh— could we... ?"

Dmitri knew what he was going to say. And of course, he was going to say yes.

"Yeah," he agreed, watching as Tariq instantly relaxed for the second time that night. "We can share a plate. I'm not really hungry either."

He could have added the reason, that it was because the butterflies swarming in his stomach were practically eating at his intestines.

"Cool," Tariq said, and that was all the two of them said for the rest of the ride.

He definitely knew. It was so obvious, right from the awkwardness around him that wasn't there the last time they spent time together, to the way Tariq eyes kept flitting in his direction, and turning away as soon as he looked back.

Obviously, he didn't want to say anything. He probably thought that it would make things awkward.

Yeah, that was probably it.

Before Dmitri knew it, they had reached the restaurant, a bit too fancy for his liking, well, his pocket, more like. Fancy restaurants were never Tariq's liking either— he always claimed that the food was too small for the plates, and that the forks were too small for the food. And also that it was expensive as fuck, and that he didn't have that kind of money.

Finance wise, things were different now, but by the looks of it, he still hated fancy restaurants. Hands reaching up to pull his collar away from his neck, his eyes scanned around the place before they finally settled on Dmitri.

Don't look at me, oh god. "What?"

Tariq shrugged, a small smile spreading across his face as he pulled a chair out for himself, sitting beside Dmitri. Shit. "Nothing. Just... I would've been really fucking uncomfortable if you weren't here. Thanks for being here."

That last statement felt like it meant much more than just Thank you for being here at the restaurant, but Dmitri decided not to read too much into it and just give him a smile instead.

If this was how he was going to be for the rest of the dinner, he wasn't sure if he wanted to be around himself.

"Okay! What d'you wanna order?" Eden asked, snapping Dmitri out of his thoughts, and snapping Tariq out of his fucking staring at Dmitri that was low-key scaring the fuck out of him. He knows.

"We're splitting," Dmitri mumbled, handing Tariq the menu, mostly because he was willing to eat anything, whereas Tariq actually gave a shit about what he put into his body. "You guys can order, I'll just— I'm goin' to— uh, I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back."

At once, Tariq's lips pulled down into a frown as he said, "Everything okay?"

Oh my god, I need to tell him. I need to tell him, I don't care if— okay, no, I do.

"Y-Yeah," he managed to get out, not looking back and just speeding out of the restaurant, not going to the bathroom but choosing to go outside instead.

And only when he was outside, did he let out the longest breath he had ever held, the slightly warm June air brushing against his forearms, his rolled up sleeves the only part of his body that was exposed to the wind. Fuck, I need to tell him. I have to do it.

Just as he was about to give up on even trying to sit through the dinner, the sheer pain of being around Tariq and not being able to kiss him too overwhelming for him to bear, he heard someone speak.

"Are you okay?"

Head snapping around to search for the source of the sound, Dmitri sighed, shoulders relaxing when he found Tariq in the darkness, before tensing up again, because it was Tariq.

"I—" I'm in love with you. "I'm... Not very good," he decided to admit, because lying to Tariq felt wrong, almost.

Tariq just made his way over to Dmitri, leaning against the front of the car with him and bumping his head against his shoulder. "Talk to me. You can talk to me, I promise. What's up?"

Could he really talk to him? About this?

"I just—" Tilting his head down so that he was at eye contact with Tariq, Dmitri breathed out a weak laugh, because holy fuck, Tariq was the most beautiful human he had ever seen, and in the moonlight, Dmitri had never loved him more.

Inhaling shakily, he shook his head. "I have something to say, and I totally get if it puts you off. But I'm literally losing my mind over this, I need to tell you." Oh my god. I didn't mean to say any of that. "Please just listen to me, okay? Please don't like— storm away before I finish. Just hear me out completely. Please."

Tariq just nodded slowly, whispering out a soft, "Yeah," one that floated into the night with the rest of the words that Dmitri was about to say.

"I'm—" Dmitri started, the words getting stuck in his throat even before he could think of them. "You're so fucking kind, Tariq. You don't understand how kind you are. I know that we started off on a really shit note, and I know that we said and did a lot of shit that we shouldn't have. But— oh my fuck, this is hard.

"Getting to know you for the second time has been one of the best experiences of my life, because there was s-so much— fuck, sorry," he muttered, rapidly shaking his head as if that would get rid of the tears that were stinging at his eyes.

This was easily one of the most terrifying situations he had ever been in, because if something went wrong, if anything went wrong, he could potentially lose the one person he cared about more than anyone else in the world. And he didn't want to go through that. Not again.

"There was so much that I didn't know before that I know now, and it's just made you so much more you, and you're the best person I know. And—"

"I know that you told me not to interrupt you, but this sounds concerning," Tariq said, his voice brimming with concern. "Dmitri, are you okay?"

Dmitri couldn't help but let out a quiet laugh at that. Does he think I'm— ? Oh god. "I'm good," Dmitri assured softly, weakly. "I want to live so bad, you don't understand. I want to live with you. I—" Here goes nothing.

"I'm so fucking in love with you, it's unreal. I love you so much, and I love that I love you, because loving you is so fucking easy to do because you're you, but I also hate that I love you, believe me, I really fucking hate it, because you don't— you don't love me, and—"

Suddenly, Tariq's lips were on his, and he couldn't breathe.

He couldn't breathe in the best way possible, and his hands were somehow, bringing Tariq's head lower to make it easier for him, and his lips were moving with Tariq's, and he hadn't even realised his entire body was shaking until Tariq made it stop.

Tariq's lips were so unbelievably soft, despite being slightly chapped, just a little rough. Just like him.

Another thing he had failed to realise was that he was crying.

But for the first time, he didn't care, because Tariq was kissing him, and he was kissing Tariq back. And Tariq hadn't walked away. And Tariq hadn't told him to fuck off when he said that he was in love with him— holy shit, he had just told Tariq that he was in love with him.

Tariq was the first to pull away, breathing sporadic, erratic, but still, he smiled, and Dmitri melted a little bit more. Fell a little bit more in love.

But almost as soon as the smile came, it disappeared, morphing into an almost concerned frown as he said, "Hey. Why are you crying?"

Those words were enough to set off a grenade in Dmitri's chest, and a dry sob ripped out from it, another one following immediately after. Oh fuck.

"I'm sorry," he whispered, and that was the only warning he gave Tariq before throwing his arms around him, not even caring that he was wetting his shirt with his tears, because he had been holding this in for so long, and it was finally out.

It was finally out.

"I love you," he repeated, moving his head away from Tariq's body, speaking through his choked sobs. He didn't even know why he was still crying. Maybe it was because he still wasn't entirely sure of how Tariq took it. "Fuck, I love you so much. I want to spend my whole life with you, and I know that that's not the best thing to say, but—"

"You want me to cut you off with a kiss every time you speak or something?" Tariq muttered, and before Dmitri could even think or blink, his head was being yanked down by Tariq as he kissed him again, softly, and then rougher.

Kissing Tariq was the best feeling in the world, because for once, the butterflies in his stomach and the blood rushing to his head was a good thing. And Dmitri was sure that the feeling would never leave.

"Wait," Dmitri gasped out, forcing himself to pull his lips away, even though they certainly didn't want to move. "Wait. What does this mean?"

Tariq huffed, his eyes shifting to the gravel, the car tires on the ground, the single stone. It was only expected, Tariq was always the most confident when he was doing something physical. Not when he was talking about his feelings.

"You know what it means."

"Ri, I really wish that I did, but I—"

"I love you," Tariq mumbled, standing on his tip toes and gently placing his lips on Dmitri's for a brief moment, before repeating, "God, I fucking love you. I adore you so much, you don't understand. I'm so in love with you. I won't give you a list of things that I love about you, because I know that that'll make you sob, so... I love you. I don't know how else to convey it other than through physical touch. Like kissing you."

Dmitri nodded, his mind completely short-circuiting. "Then kiss me."

So, that was exactly what Tariq did, up until the time Eden called Dmitri's phone to ask him where the fuck he was, and even after they finished their dinner, and got home, he continued to kiss him.

And after everyone else fell asleep, and after the clock struck eleven o'clock, he did a lot more than just kiss him, their lips on each other's bodies, their hands on each other's bodies, their breaths almost matching each other's, the same erratic pace as Tariq showed him that he loved him, and Dmitri whispered the words as his final ones before he was blinded by stars.

—

+3305

AN: no smut <3

but anyway yea 🤸🏽‍♀️ only 2 more chapters, meaning that this book will be complete in only 2 days !!!! that's so mfing terrifying what the heck!!!!!

also, i wanna say this now so that nobody does it later; please PLS don't comment "is there gonna be an epilogue" on the last chapter when it finishes. there is not going to be an epilogue, and every time someone comments that on my last chapters, i feel like the ending isn't good enough so pls . thank u :P

as always, i hope everyone has/had a good day today !! the year is ending soon, so i just want to say, i'm super proud of u 🥰 thank u all for reading!💓