My Dark Desire: Chapter 13

Ollie vB:

Saw Zach’s parents bride shopping for him after brunch today.

Zach Sun:

For the last time, my aunt is not my parent.

Ollie vB:

She raised you, you are eternally embarrassed of her, and she says the cringiest shit.

For all intents and purposes, this woman is your parent.

Romeo Costa:

I cannot believe I’m saying this, but I agree with Oliver.

Romeo Costa:

Anyone who fucks you up to this extent is a parent.

Romeo Costa:

Now define bride shopping.

Ollie vB:

Glad you asked.

Ollie vB:

They literally approached innocent women, asking them for their birthdates and list of hereditary illnesses.

Ollie vB:

Your Ayi even pointed to one and said aloud, “This one’s too small to carry Sun-sized babies.”

Zach Sun:

[Retreating into a Bush GIF]

Romeo Costa:

ON THE STREET?

Ollie vB:

No, you uncultured swine.

In Hermès.

Romeo Costa:

And they say love doesn’t have a price.

Ollie vB:

Whatever the price may be, Zach would say it’s inflated and refuse to pay.

Zach Sun:

This is embarrassing.

Romeo Costa:

Not as embarrassing as having your dick pic enlarged in a court of law as part of a bitter custody trial between your former lover and the vice president.

Ollie vB:

I wouldn’t go as far as calling that an embarrassment.

Ollie vB:

Perhaps a mild inconvenience?

Romeo Costa:

Jesus, Ollie.

Romeo Costa:

People made shirts with the imprint of your cock on them and the slogan HE HAS MY VOTE.

Ollie vB:

I found it rather flattering.

Ollie vB:

And I’ll have you know my dick pic was the least offensive thing to cum out of politics in the last decade.

Ollie vB:

The only downside about it is—now people want to take a picture with it because it’s famous.

Romeo Costa:

How is that a downside?

Romeo Costa:

You’ve made enough sex tapes to open your own Pornhub.

Ollie vB:

It’s not hookups asking for pictures. Just randos on the street.

Ollie vB:

And apparently, graciously obliging them is considered ‘indecent exposure.’

Zach Sun:

That explains it.

Ollie vB:

Explains what?

Zach Sun:

“No one gives a hummer like a gummer.”

Ollie vB:

Ah. Boomers. The last great generation. Horny, experienced, and incapable of working an iPhone camera.

Ollie vB:

Anyway, back to Zach’s misery.

Ollie vB:

Feel that fur-lined collar tightening around your neck, sonny boy?

Romeo Costa:

Marriage is not a punishment.

Ollie vB:

I’d literally pick the electric chair.

Romeo Costa:

[Eye roll Emoji]

Ollie vB:

Every. Single. Time.