CH 1.5

Most of John’s daily life in Richmond became crazy.

However, just when he got used to the changes, unexpected things came up that began to haunt John. One of them was insomnia.

At first, it was difficult to adjust to a completely different life, so John couldn’t afford to worry about anything else, but then his life changed. Just when John got used to wearing tailored clothing, he felt as if he lost a sense of space, and a belated feeling of loss filled John’s chest.

In fact, Emily hadn’t been a good mother to begin with. Usually she would leave the house, constantly change lovers, and would often leave John alone. She was an immature mother who even trusted that John could survive by himself.

Yet John truly loved Emily despite her insecurity and weakness. Despite all the awkwardness, the love Emily gave John was real. A couple of imperfect souls, sometimes they felt perfect when they were together. It was peaceful and there were no problems.

Shortly after Emily’s death, John unconsciously ignored her death. He did so because he could not accept the fact that she had disappeared from his life forever. Deliberately not thinking of Emily was a defense mechanism for John, close to his survival instinct. However, with the passage of time, the aftermath of the shock began to flow little by little, like aftershocks.

As the sun rose, John was determined, mature, and calm. However, when the time dominated by darkness came, he took off the ‘mask’ that he wore during the day and lost himself in his grief. During the day, John was composed enough that no one thought otherwise; but at night, he snuggled into his blankets with sweat and tears on his face. Laying in the darkness with his eyes wide open, he sobbed uncontrollably whenever he remembered Emily and waited for the morning sun to chase away the nightmares.

John didn’t want anyone to know about his weakness. Everyone at Lindbergh was kind and gentle, but John only showed them his good side. Such efforts were slightly successful, and his debilitating spirit had settled in the dark, unknown to anyone.

At midnight, the artificial darkness created by the blinds pushed John’s nerves to the limit. John, lying in bed and trying to fall asleep, finally couldn’t take it anymore and got out of bed. It was late at night, so everything was perfectly quiet, except for the sound of the clock.

A large, pale moon could be seen through the window. A dim light from the well-maintained garden illuminated the room. John stood in front of the window and continued to gaze at the empty garden. Unconsciously, tears welled in his eyes and rolled down his pale cheeks. At that moment, his mind filled with all types of negative thoughts.

Fear, fear and suffocation.

I am completely alone now.

I want to see Emily.

Emily… Why did you leave me?

This isn’t where I want to be.

John whispered for a long time, then felt his shaky breath. As he rubbed his damp cheeks, the sound of the door opening and a weak voice caught John’s ear.

“John?”

Valentine, dressed in pajamas, was standing by the door. Reflectively, John turned his head and grabbed his face, as if he was being attacked. He responded nervously.

“…Go away!”

“John?”

“Leave, Valentine. Now it’s… I can’t play with you.”

The tearful voice trembled, as if it had collapsed. Damn it, and John bit his tongue. He felt  greatly ashamed that Valentine had found him crying. John longed to be left alone and just disappear, but Valentine crossed the room instead of closing the door silently.

He asked John in a voice that suggested he didn’t understand John’s request. “John, why are you crying?”

“Um… Valentine, please just go.”

John shook his shoulders and covered his face. Unfortunately, the tears didn’t stop. Valentine held onto John’s waist tightly. The sweet scent of the little boy reached John. Valentine, who contorted his face like he was crying, stopped and said.

“I’m with you, John. Alright?”

“No… don’t look.”

“John, John…”

He knew that he looked horrible in front of his little brother, but why was he trembling alone in the dark? As soon as John felt the warmth emitting from Valentine, an unstoppable sob came out of John’s mouth.

“…Please don’t look.”

Finally, John knelt down. Then Valentine wrapped his arms around John’s neck and shoulders, and bowed his head. John could feel Valentine’s warm breath on his cheek.

“Are you sick?”

“…”

“It’s fine now, John…”

Valentine whispered into John’s ears. John felt the warm body temperature radiate through his back and shoulders, which was enough to break a corner of John’s heart, hardened by anxiety and loneliness. Instead of pushing Valentine away, he hugged his small back. It was an unconscious act of chasing his warmth.

Valentine was whispering to John in a powerful way. “It’s okay, no one can hurt you here.”

“It’s not like that…”

John put his cheek on Valentine’s chest and blew out a hot breath. Valentine’s pajamas were  wet from John’s tears.

John muttered repeatedly, like a groan.

“It’s not like that, Valentine…”

“Don’t worry about anything. I won’t let you.”

John stiffened at Valentine’s words, feeling as if they were stabbing into his ears. It was as if Valentine had read John’s innermost thoughts and was reassuring him. Valentine gently stroked John’s head and whispered to him.

“I’m never going to leave you. So, John, don’t be afraid.”

“…Valentine.”

“You have me now.”

John was comforted by Valentine’s words and only then did John realize the fact that he wanted to have someone comfort and reassure him. For almost a month, John continued to be alone and was nearing collapse. At that moment, Valentine magically appeared and held out his hand.

So it was that. Instead of pushing Valentine away so that he would not say useless words, John looked at the tender chest and whispered like a sigh.

“Well… I’m not going anywhere, now leave me alone.”

“I will continue to be with you in the future. Promise me John, that you will not  leave me either.”

“Yes, we will be together in the future…”

Hearing Valentine’s whisper, John relaxed. His heart, feeling  as if it would burst from anxiety, gradually returned to a steady rhythm. Valentine rubbed John’s face with his little hand and kissed his cheek. His lips rose and fell comfortingly, John smiled slightly with wet eyes. Valentine smiled too, and carried him to the bed.

That night, they slept together in the bed. From that day on, they naturally got used to sleeping together. The warm temperature, completely enclosed in Valentine’s arms, banished John’s negative thoughts and gave him a good night’s sleep.

“John, did you sleep well?”

In the morning, Valentine woke John gently with a warm little hand. When John opened his eyes, he was looking at him with affection. From that moment on, Valentine was now his special one.