Chapter 22. Falling

🎶 Jaan Nisaar - Asees Kaur

Published on 04.07.2022

| AUTHOR'S POV |

"You've to be fucking kidding me." Inaaya screeches in disbelief. "You called me because she wasn't crying?"

Alisha looks at her offended. "What are you doing with him?" She looks at Ayansh.

"That's not the point right now."

"I think I- I should go." He murmurs awkwardly, pointing his thumb in the direction of his car parked on the side.

"It's okay. No need." Nikita breaks her silence and says in a defeated voice, her gaze fixated in front of her at nothing in particular. "I told you I needed to be alone. Why did you call her?" She doesn't look at anyone but everyone understands her question was directed at Alisha.

"Ha." Inaaya scoffs and chuckles sardonically. "She doesn't know what it means to leave someone alone. Remember when I said I wanted to be alone? She called a whole gang of people whom I didn't even like."

Ayansh's face immediately gets flustered, feeling embarassed.

"No offense." She adds, without any remorse. "Anyways," she looks back at Alisha and Nikita, "what's wrong?"

"She broke up with Abhishek." Alisha answers, gazing at Nikita sympathetically.

Inaaya frowns. "They were in a relationship?" She asks in surprise and receives a hard glare from Alisha in return.

"Whatever it was between them, it's over." She grits.

It doesn't evoke any kind of strong emotions from Inaaya. Instead, it just confuses her even more. "I don't want to be insensitive," she treads carefully, "but I didn't think it really matter. She knew it would end one day or the other and quite soon if I'm not wrong."

Alisha glares at her. "You're being a bitch."

Inaaya recoils. "Okay, tell me the whole story." She glances at Ayansh and mouths, 'I'll explain you the history later.'

Nikita beats up to Alisha. "I told I wanted to date and he said he doesn't commit. He wanted to be in a friends with benefits relationship and I just said if he doesn't want to date then it's over. It didn't matter to him anyways."

Inaaya notices how her jaw ticks, how she clenches and unclenches her fist.

"And she isn't crying," Alisha adds, as if it's the most important thing. "She's hurt. If she cries, she'll feel better but she doesn't cry at all. I'm tired." She huffs.

Inaaya looks between them in mild amusement, her palms still resting on the scooty seat behind her. "She isn't hurt." She looks at Nikita for a brief moment before repeating. "No, she isn't hurt."

Alisha snaps her head towards Ayansh. "Is she drunk or something? Because she is making zero sense today!"

Ayansh shakes his head in denial like an innocent puppy.

"You can't be hurt over something you didn't care about in the first place."

This time, it wasn't just Alisha but Ayansh too who stared at her in disbelief. "That's . . . rude." He rebukes her in a small voice.

"You really don't know shit, Inaaya. So, shut up!" Nikita snaps at her, her nostrils flaring.

Inaaya looks unnerved and that infuriated Nikita. "You really want me to believe that you would hurt or sulk over someone when you were so unattached and distant? We were there Niki and we know that your attraction for him reduced miles after you two got into that stupid ordeal. You were just going with the flow and it was written all over your face that you were doing it because you thought it was what you were supposed to do and not because you actually felt excited by it. Day by day, your interest just kept dwindling. So, pray tell me why the hell will you ask him to date when you know it won't even last long given your situation?" Her voice goes an octave higher as she doesn't hold back.

Nikita doesn't say anything. Every word feels like a searing knife piercing through her flesh. She averts her gaze as her eyes sting.

Inaaya's face softens in understanding and realisation. "You aren't hurt. You're angry and you're angry because you don't feel hurt." It was the truth; a truth so straight yet so tenderly voiced out.

Nikita's body goes rigid. It was as if she was a mirror and someone was looking right through her. She hung her head low, her gaze on her feet mindlessly and a lone tear which makes her feel pathetic rather than better slips from her eyes.

"Why?" Inaaya whispers, the wind carrying the word.

Alisha couldn't understand how did it made sense, being angry because you don't feel hurt as she always felt anger and hurt were inseparable, they always accompany the other. Ayansh felt he was intruding but he couldn't even bring himself to just simply leave. It felt rude and inconsiderate to walk away when a person looks like she's breaking.

"I- I just wanted to," Nikita's voice breaks and feels so heavy that she pauses and takes a deep breath, "It feels as if time is running out and there's so much left for me to experience, there's so much I want to experience. I want to be in love, you know?" She looks up at Inaaya and chuckles bitterly at herself. "I, too, want to feel what everyone keeps talking about even if it's just for few months, even few weeks would be enough." Her voice comes out desperate and it makes Inaaya's chest to burn in pain. "I know I'm not going to have some career. There are lot of things I won't be able to have but that doesn't mean I don't want to. I was surprised and mad how the attraction fizzled away when I spent more time with Abhishek. The more I came to know about him, the more ordinary he felt. And I thought maybe if we date, if we give it a real chance, there would be something." She murmurs like a lost child. "It's corny and silly, I know but- " a sob breaks through her.

Alisha pulls her closer and wraps her arms around Nikita. "It's not silly. It's okay." She comforts her as she sniffles. "But it won't work like that. You can't force something that's not meant to be."

"I should atleast feel hurt that it's over but I don't. How is it so easy to let him go when I'd a crush over him for such a long time? Why couldn't I feel something akin to even attachment with him?"

Ayansh slowly walks around the bench and takes the empty space beside Nikita and everyone's attention shift to him. "I had a girlfriend when I was studying in Cambridge." He starts, his voice a little hesitant because he isn't someone who feels much comfortable to share about himself with being conscious of what other people might think, how would they judge. Inaaya's brow shot up in surprise at the new piece of information but he didn't notice as he was busy fiddling with the end of his striped shirt. "I had a little crush on her actually," he chuckles nervously. "And when she proposed me, I instantly said yes. We lasted for hardly four months and then she broke up."

"Why?" Nikita questions, curiously.

"Because I didn't put any effort." He replies without missing a beat. "The relationship was burdening. She had a lot of expectations. She wanted me to be available for her all the time as if I was her assistant and not her boyfriend. I used to do things I didn't even like, go to shopping regularly with her, have Greek food which I hated, I was the one who accomodated according to her while she barely cared about what I wanted. So, I stopped. I did realise long time back that she was there with me not because she was genuinely interested in me but because of my background and riches and I was good academically but I tried hard to ignore the reality and not believe it until it became impossible. I stopped putting efforts, I stopped adjusting and she broke up with me, putting the whole blame on me."

"That's- that's unfair."

Ayansh shakes his head. "That isn't the major part. I didn't feel even the slightest of hurt when she walked away. I didn't even try to stop her or make things work between us. I always thought I liked her, thought I loved her too but then it was so easy to just stop liking her. I don't know why am I telling you all this but I get you when you say you want to feel hurt. I, too, wanted to after she left and it disturbed me how unaffected I was. It made me feel as if I had no emotions." He gazes at Nikita in understanding. "I think every human wants to feel hurt. They expect themselves to feel hurt in certain situations because it makes them feel validated, normal, a part of a big crowd who would feel the same. And when they don't, it makes them feel excluded, isolated and lonely as if no-one will ever get them. But at the end, you can't force yourself to feel a particular emotion if it don't exist."

The words wrap around Nikita like a cloak and she feels a lot more calmer and collected. It feels her scattered emotions aren't all that scattered maybe. Maybe they do make sense and it's okay even if it's not what she wants.

Inaaya's face hold a new found adoration towards Ayansh. He's still fiddling and his eyes are focussed on it but she couldn't help but stare at him, craving to know more, hear more and yet just admire him for doing something that she or Alisha couldn't do, for helping Nikita, for sharing an intimate detail when he could've just stood there idly.

She leans back on the scooty, crosses her arms and looks at the sky above her, spread in the shades of orange and yellow. "Niki," she doesn't look at her while addressing, "I understand you want to be in love, fall for someone, experience the beauty which people talk about, write novels and poems about but love can't be forced. You can't make someone fall for you or you can't push yourself to fall for someone." Her voice is tranquil like the evening sea but it was enough to make a havoc rise inside Ayansh as he stops fiddling and his body goes tense. "I always wondered why is it known as falling in love because falling sounds like such a terrible thing," she giggles and for the first time ever, the sound doesn't cause a ripple of warmth to flood through Ayansh's veins. It makes his stomach churn in discomfort.

"Doesn't falling just mean you're getting hurt? Like falling from stairs?" She adds and her eyes crinkle in mirth. "But I think the person who said this meant that love happens with or without your will. It isn't something that you can control. You don't decide to fall, you don't plan it, it just happens unexpectedly and takes you by surprise. Love is the same. It will when it has to, with whoever it has to irrespective of you wanting it or not. It isn't something you can manipulate or alter or avoid or scheme."

Everything she says is so simply put, so uncomplicated that her words feel like the promise of a setting sun to rise again, a beautiful hope. A small, languid smile touches Nikita's lips when Inaaya's eyes meets her and she blinks.

Alisha who still had her hands wrapped around Nikita as her head rested on her shoulder mumbles, "I love you but."

Ayansh feels the world around him has blurred. Inaaya's words tugged at his heart in the worst way possible. The promise in her words is terrifying and the hope, devastating. All he can hear is her words echoing, mocking him and the pounding of his heart, making his blood run cold.

Nikita holds his arm and shakes him. The jerk pulls him out of his trance and his eyelashes flutter as he looks around. "You okay?" She asks and chuckles, her eyes looking at him with concern.

He shifts his gaze to Inaaya who stares at him in worry and then looks back at Nikita, gulping inaudibly to slow down his racing heart. "I should be the one to ask you this question." It surprises him that he could find himself to joke despite the emotions he's feeling.

"You look lost." Inaaya points out, her gaze peering through him.

Ayansh forces a smile at her and shrugs. "It's nothing."

"We all should go and eat something. I'm hungry." Nikita speaks up, diverting the subject.

Alisha brightens up at the idea. "Me too. But before that," she looks at Inaaya suspiciously, "what are you two doing together?" She didn't try to mask what she was hinting at.

Inaaya rolls her eyes in response. "We went to the NGO. Mom is a little unwell so I asked him."

"Y'all can go." Ayansh says. "I already had snacks there so I don't feel like having anything else."

"I'm full so I'll head home directly." Inaaya adds.

Alisha has questions, she wants to know why didn't she ask her or Nikita to accompany her but maybe this conversation will need to continue some other time. Whereas Nikita senses something odd, she stares at Inaaya to gauge something but she looks back at her innocently. Nikita let's it go.

"Fine. We'll get going then." Nikita gets up, alongwith Alisha.

"Take care." Inaaya hugs Nikita and swipes her thumb over the tear streak on her face, making Nikita smile.

"I'll take out every minute detail from you when we meet tomorrow in college." Alisha whispers in Inaaya's ear as they hug.

Once they left on the scooty, Ayansh gets up. "I'll drop you home." He starts walking towards the car but stops when Inaaya instead goes and settles on the bench. "What?" He mouths but she simply pats the space beside her, beckoning him.

Ayansh doesn't want to have any conversation, he feels too tired mentally and the queasy feeling doesn't seem to go away. But he does as she wants.

They both stare in front of them. The empty roads, the half filled benches, the plants lined up in the middle dividing the road into two, the children on their bicycles on their way back home, the evening coalescing into the night.

"Are you okay?" She asks again.

"What's wrong with Nikita?" He asks instead.

Inaaya doesn't push him. She let's him get away with the change of topic and answers his query. She explains her situation, the marriage one, she tells him about her scene with Abhishek. It baffles Ayansh that she's agreeing to the arrangement just because of her parents but he doesn't comment anything since it's not his place. A faint voice whispers in his head how he, too, has agreed to his brother and till morning even planned on working for it. A shudder passes through him, he feels so indecisive, so helpless at this point. He doesn't get to dwell on his thoughts because a voice distracts him.

"Do you think I'm stupid? Be honest, I won't be offended, I swear."

Ayansh turns his face to see if she's actually being serious or just playing around but her forehead is creased and she seems to be thinking deeply.

"A little maybe." He answers honestly.

She tries to contain her amused smile and not ask him the reason. "Dumb?"

"Aren't they both similar?" He inquires, arching a brow.

"I see why you think I'm stupid." She mumbles, pouting in embarrassment and that makes him laugh, a weight lifting off his chest, the pressing thoughts already taking a rest. "Anyways next," she says. "Inconsiderate?"

"No." He doesn't even need to think before answering.

"So what made you think you'll go around saying you're fine and I'll believe it? What made you feel I won't notice that the bike thing has actually hurt you?" She says as a matter-of-factly.

He doesn't respond, his face stoic. He doesn't look at her but could feel her gaze drilling holes into the side of his head.

"If you think that it was because I got injured and me or my brother blame you then you're wrong. I don't hold anything against you." She murmurs softly, pulling her legs up and wrapping her arms around them.

"It's a small thing, Inaaya. You don't have to explain." He says in a painstaking manner.

She ignores his words and continues. "I was having a bad day and the choclates you offered actually made me cheer up but I didn't have the energy to go on about a long conversation." Regret pinches his insides when he remembers how he simply threw away the flowers she gave him without a second glance or thought. "I'll go to Cambridge next year and Bhai feels guilty that he couldn't spend much time with me, couldn't cater to my wants and needs because he's busy. He wants to make up for it." She picks at her nails. "I- I don't want him to feel as if he isn't enough. He's not even my real brother yet he's so much more- "

"Sorry?" Ayansh jerks his head as if he heard something wrong.

Realisation dawns upon Inaaya that she never told Ayansh and she sighs. "He's my stepbrother. His mother died when he was two years old because of stroke. And then later, his Dad married my mom and they had me after a couple of years." She explains but it's too much for Ayansh who's still looking at her with wide eyes and disbelief that he doesn't notice how she refers to her Dad as only his. "Bhai was five when I was born. Mom told me how he wasn't fond of her at all but me?" Her tone changes, it brightens up and her features soften as she reminisces those words and memories. "When I was born, everything changed. I was the sun, moon, star, galaxy everything for Bhai. I instantly became the centre of his universe. He was so protective of me," she smiles and her eyes are glazed with tears of nostalgia. "He even warmed up to Mom after that. He wanted to be with me all the time. Mom tells me how she had a hard time to make him attend school and he would just run and freshen up and come to me after returning from that place." A laugh escapes her throat remembering her Mom telling her about all this and even showing so many pictures of her with her brother.

"He isn't you real brother?" Amusement coats his voice as he inquires.

"Dude?" She gives him a bored look. "This is what you picked up from the whole conversation? It really isn't a big deal and hardly makes any difference."

"No, I'm just," he chuckles, unable to find the right word. "It's- that's wow." He adds in awe.

"I know right." She grins back and it makes his heart sigh in content.

Surprisingly, there's no envy or bitterness he feels at her admission. She looks so cheerful while narrating her childhood that her words slide over him gently and her happiness cocoons him like a blanket.

"Anyways," she exhales sharply and there's a shift in her tone and expression. Ayansh frowns at that. "He'll miss me for two years when I'll not be in the country. But... " She drawls as a lump forms in her throat. "He doesn't know- I mean, I don't plan on returning to India ever. Nobody knows about it. And I feel guilty about it. I just want to see him happy for as long as I can." Her hold around her knees tighten up.

"Why- why won't you return?" He manages to ask amidst his heart thumping so loudly that he's scared it will break all the barriers.

Inaaya squeezes her eyes shut before opening them. "I don't want to tell you the reason." She answers in a clipped tone. "And don't you dare tell anyone that I don't plan to return after my studies." Her voice is low and threatening, masking the fear underneath.

"But why don't you want to return?" He pushes her because he's perplexed at her admission. What is he suppose to say to something like that? What does she expect him to say? Okay, great. Have a good time?

Inaaya clenches her teeth. "That's none of your business. I just told you because I felt I owe you an explanation. I didn't like that you were hurt because of me unintentionally. I didn't want you to feel that ev- ever." Her voice breaks at the end and she pulls her bottom lip in, not wanting to break into a sob.

Ayansh averts his gaze. He can't force her to tell something she doesn't want to. He doesn't has the right. He can't judge her or be mad at her decision or choice when it has nothing to do with him. It wasn't his place. She cared about his emotions, trusted him with something she hasn't told anyone. The least he can do is understand where is she coming from. He feels restless, the thought she won't ever be back is making him tear up and he doesn't even know why. The intensity of his emotions at the moment is concerning. He looks over at her to see her facing the other side.

Ayansh slowly reaches out and takes her hand gripping her knees and interlinks their fingers. She looks at him in confusion. "I understand. I won't push you." He assures her in a soft voice and she looks away again. There's something about the softness he bestows upon her that makes her want to cry, let out everything that she has held within. Her walls weaken everytime when he does that. It's frightening.

"Are we good then?" She inquires in a small voice and hears a faint chuckle. It wasn't just him who was hurt; watching him behaving indifferent with her, hurt her too. It truly did.

"Better than ever."

Inaaya faces him and his face glows in the vague gleam of the moonlight. He looks beautiful and that smile he gives her melts her heart.

Ayansh stands up, not leaving her hand and gives her a tug. "Should we go home? Or maybe if you want we can go somewhere and have some refreshments." He offers.

Inaaya gets up from the seat. "Drop me off." She looks at him in hesitation before finally asking. "Can I- can I hug you?" She could feel her pulse beating rapidly.

Ayansh doesn't answer. Instead, he pulls her a little more closer and that's enough for her to understand. She slides her hand from his loose grip and slowly wraps her arms around his torso. It feels calm and when he reciprocates the hug, it feels home.

"I'm sorry for my petty behaviour." He mumbles against her hair.

Inaaya doesn't know what he's apologizing about. Is it about him ignoring her messages and acting indifferent or about him pushing her for telling the reason today or both? But she doesn't care. She doesn't want to know. It doesn't seem to matter. She's too busy listening to his heartbeats, the sound instantly becoming her favourite, coaxing her to breathe without any burdens and the safe embrace of his arms making her forget the demons that haunt her. It's like she's in a different world where nothing bad can touch her. It's assuring and soothing.

She feels herself spiralling, falling into something and it should scare her but it doesn't. The man who has held her, brushing her hair ever so lightly doesn't make her feel scared.

***

Writing this chapter made me feel heavy I don't know why since this isn't even an emotional chapter. Maybe it's the song "jaan nisaar" which I was hearing the whole time. Also, I'm so content with this chapter, it feels fulfilling. Would love to know what y'all have to say. Btw do y'all feel the story is going too fast or too slow or is it fine? There are times when I feel it's quite slow but then I don't want to pace things up just for the sake of it and mess up the progression. Hope y'all are having a good day 🥀

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