5 - Start With One Person
Chasing Charming ✔️
That night I wrote down my list of five things I could do to have the best Junior year ever. Only five things and I could call the year a success. It felt somewhat achievable until I stared at it all together.
1. Make some friends
2. Start back up my business online (hopefully, the New Mexico market was just as lucrative as the Arizona market)
3. Stand up for myself
4. Help my dad make his store a SUCCESS
5. Have my first kiss
I crossed out the last one. I hadn't been able to do that during all of middle school or in the previous two years of high school, so why did I think I would be able to do that in a brand new place?
But if I didn't try, then it would never happen, right?
I sighed and put it back on the list.
I went to bed, hoping that Tuesday would be better.
---
It was. I guess some people had heard what had happened to me yesterday because a group of girls in my grade had asked me about it. They invited me to sit with them in our photography class, and I graciously accepted. They were sympathetic about what had happened, and they explained that it was a stupid senior tradition that started about ten years ago. I almost growled... stupid Glee.
"Do they do that to the freshman too?"
One of the girls nodded her head, "but only ones that no one knows. If you know someone, you're safe. If you're 'fresh meat' as some guy put it, then you are going to be very unlucky."
I shook my head. "Damn, that sucks."
These girls were nice, but the conversation quickly turned into some anime show that they all watched together, and I got lost. They tried to keep me involved but gave up when they realized that I had nothing to say about anime or the other shows that they watched together. They seemed slightly disturbed when they asked me what shows I watch, and the only show that I had a significant opinion on was the Bachelor franchise, which I watched with my parents. They pressed further, and I said that I watched the Vampire Diaries and The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, which I guess they were not into either. I explained I enjoyed movies much more, but my taste in horror movies and old romances didn't seem to excite them.
Eventually, I faded out of the conversation. My mom had explained to me last week that I had to try and take an interest in what other kids were doing. I couldn't keep holding on to the things my old friends and I did.
I would have to try new things and make new traditions. But it was harder than it looked, especially since I had to make a whole new group of friends, not just try to befriend one person.
"Maybe start with one person, Betty," my mom had said to me.
---
The week went by, and I wasn't struggling to fit in, but I hadn't exactly found any friends either.
I wanted to spend my evenings watching cheesy romance movies and bad horror movies. I ached to run around outside and go on strange adventures. I desired to find friends who shared my love for vintage fashion. Friends who loved milkshakes and drive-ins as much as I did. I wanted friends who wanted to find a lake and jump in the water. I wanted friends who would party with me, and even though it was ridiculous, I wanted friends who loved all of these things, not just little pieces.
These things on their own aren't strange, but I had the fantastic opportunity to grow up creating these interests with the same group of friends. New people have different interests and rituals. I don't think I would ever really have what I had with those friends again, and I was upset about it.
Despite my internal struggles, I was enjoying most of my classes. I enjoyed the Spanish class because of Ms. Rosie, and I made friends with two girls, Vanessa and Claire, in my Gym class. I continued to sit with the same three girls in my Photography class, cause even if we didn't have much in common, I liked them.
In History class, I spent most of my time trying to keep away from the boy, Jackson, who had slushied me.
I was also in a senior Bio class, and I found myself sitting near the boy with the blue eyes, who I learned was named Eli. Just one boy, who seemed to be his friend, sat in between us.
I had always found Bio to be manageable before joining this class, but now, I was constantly distracted. I am not sure how Eli would feel if he knew I occupied my time in class, staring at him. Or how I did my best to learn about him.
He kept to his group of friends. He was known to be a bit rough around the edges, and he was not very well off. He got in fights a lot and had been suspended in freshman year. He would go to parties with his friends, and he was a bit of a player, but he never took girls to his home. His girlfriends never lasted more than two weeks, and he, although he was well-liked by many teachers and surprisingly, most students, no one I talked to admitted to being friends with him.
He seemed like the absolute worst guy to chase.
---
On Friday, I was rushing out of History Class. Jackson had his eyes on me, and I was not ready to have another slushie thrown at my face, so I had sprinted out of class as soon as the bell rang.
I was determined to get to my Maths class without another incident as I had already missed one on Monday. I am not going to pretend that I am proficient in Maths, so missing classes for me is rough. I had taken my Maths book with me from my locker earlier, so I decided to step outside, hopefully avoiding Jackson and his moronic friends.
I was unlucky enough that Jackson must have seen me because as soon as I stepped outside, I heard a "Hey, come back!" behind me.
Ignoring it, I continued outside and headed toward a bench in the courtyard, my patterned dress flowing around me.
"Betty!" He yells behind me. Everyone is looking at us now, and I can't pretend that I haven't heard him. I groan and turn around.
"What?" I asked snidely. I am not going to pretend to be courteous to this boy. He threw a drink in my face. And I said I was going to stand up for myself.
Carla had always said I shouldn't be nice to people who weren't nice to me. I had never had many unpleasant interactions with people in Arizona, but maybe I needed to start taking her advice.
He chuckled at my unamused tone. "So I took this picture. I thought you would want to see it." He walked towards me, holding out his phone. My heart sank into my stomach.
I moved closer to him, and he held the phone down so I could get an easier look. He was a lot taller than I thought. He seemed so much smaller when Eli was beating him up.
I blinked my eyes at a photo of me taken yesterday. I can tell you it was yesterday because that was when I was wearing that skirt. The picture just showed the edge of my skirt, and my butt was in partial view. The photo was slightly blurry, but it was very clearly me.
You could see the edge of my underwear in the photo.
It didn't upset me that my skirt had flown up for a second, as most people wouldn't think anything of it. I usually wouldn't think anything of it; however, I was upset that Jackson was spending his time taking pictures of my butt.
I cleared my throat, trying to stay firm. "Umm. Why are you taking pictures of me?"
He smirked. Pulling his phone away and looking down at me. I could see he had a little bit of food stuck in between his bottom teeth. "Well, I thought everyone would want to know what cute undies you were wearing yesterday. Unless you want to do something for me?"
He looked excited, and I started to get an awful feeling in my stomach. This was worse than nervous, this felt so wrong, and I was starting to feel violated just by the way he was looking at me.
I wasn't ashamed of my body, but I was ashamed of what he was trying to do with it. He gave me a once over, and I felt like an objectâa new plaything for this assholes amusement. My heartbeat quickened, and my tears threatened to spill.
"What do you want, Jackson?" My voice cracked, but I don't think he noticed. Or maybe he just didn't care.
"I want you to go on a date with me!" He said, grinning from ear to ear.
My heart stopped. If this is what Jackson would do to try and get me on a date, I can't imagine what he had planned for an actual date. I had never been asked on a date before, and I feel my fantasy of the perfect first date slipping away. My fantasies of the ideal guy are replaced with this neanderthal, staring at me like I was a piece of meat. I felt dizzy, and my breath started coming out in short bursts.
I had just made a list. I had tried to stand up for myself. I obviously was failing miserably at this. Is this what every day is going to feel like here?
I had not had a panic attack since I stepped on a frog when I was thirteen, and I thought I had killed it. That seemed like a funny dream now compared to the way my lungs were contracting.
I looked around. Everyone was staring at me, and it made it feel so much worse. I did not feel safe.
"Jeez, calm down, I was just kidding, I'll delete it. Look." His voice seemed far away, even though Jackson had stuck his phone in my face, making a show of deleting the picture.
I couldn't say anything as my eyes blurred over, and my ears dimmed everything to a loud hum. I don't think I passed out, but I sure don't remember Jackson walking away or me crouching on the grass outside.
I started to feel something again when strong hands pulled me up off the floor and started walking me away from the onlooking crowd.
---
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"I think I'm doing fine most of the time
I think that I'm alright, but I can't seem to shut it off
I got all these thoughts, running through my mind" - Julia Michaels & Selena Gomez