15. Lilac walls

I lay there in Max's bed, naked physically and emotionally, under the covers. What was all the fuss about? That was by far the most uncomfortable experience I had ever endured. I twisted my head slightly to catch the time. Five minutes! It had only lasted five minutes and that was already five minutes too long. Most of that time was spent trying to relax for him to huff and puff on top of me and then poof, it was over before it started.

Next to me, Max stared at the ceiling of his bedroom, with his arms crossed over his chest. "You might want to use the bathroom."

Without a word, I stumbled out of his bed. I tried gathering his bedsheets around me but Max had the piece of fabric tightly tucked under his arms. What did I have to lose now? It couldn't possibly get worse.

With my back against the closed door of the bathroom, I squinted at the dimly lit space. It only consisted of a grotty toilet, a soap-scum laced shower, and a sink with toothpaste splatters on the mirror and around the faucets. Did I want to use the toilet or should I rinse off? I was in uncharted waters. As I stood there, aching down below, a small trickle of blood hit the floor. Just great! That, however, I had expected.

Before jumping in his shower, a faint tap sounded behind me. I paused for a second to collect my thoughts and cracked the door open to see my clothes folded on the floor. I picked them up and dumped them in the bone dry sink. I trusted that more than leaving them on the peeling vinyl floor, which probably hadn't been cleaned in a while.

The warm water soothed the dull ache between my legs. I dried off and picked my clothes up. My knickers. Where were my knickers? I searched the pile once more. Nothing. I tiptoed back outside to check if I dropped them. There they were, hanging off the door handle I had just opened.

I yanked them on, followed by the rest of my clothes. Max wasn't anywhere to be seen as I headed out. I slipped into his living area to see him sitting at a small table, eating a sandwich.

"Do you think you can take me home now?" I asked, trying to keep my voice steady. I was two seconds away from bursting into tears.

Max swivelled in his chair, a mouth full of food. "Mphf-, yep." He swallowed his snack, wiped his mouth with the sleeve of a chequered shirt he had just put on and downed a glass of water. He grabbed his keys and walked straight out of his flat without waiting for me to slip my shoes back on or grab my handbag.

Once ready, I scurried out of the flat after him. He was midway down the outside stairs when I reached the exit. "Don't you need to lock up?"

"No, just pull it closed. You can't get back in without a key," he shouted up to me.

The drive home to Hawkley was awkward. Max tried to hold my hand as he drove, but I kept them firmly in my lap. When we arrived at my house, he gave me a quick peck on the lips and I all but ran to my front door without looking back.

With shaky hands, I struggled to fit the key into the lock, missing the target a few times. Finally entering the house, I was greeted with pure silence. I slid my shoes off, put them on our shoe rack and tiptoed down the hallway.

The kitchen light was still on so I pushed the door slightly open. Popping my head through the gap, I peered around. No one. I inched into the room some more and jumped at the sight of an unknown form, half of it inside one of our bottom cupboards. Rosie's head then burst out to check who had disturbed her.

"Nat! You scared the life out of me," she shrieked.

"Scared you? You scared me! What on earth are you doing down there?"

"Looking for some kitchen scales. I wanted to make a cake." Rosie kept on with her search, her voice muffled inside the cupboard.

I poured myself a large glass of water and sat down at the table. "Why don't you just let Mum make it?"

"Because I want to try making it. Besides, Mum and Dad are out for dinner at a friend's house so I can't ask her," she huffed, placing the scales on the counter, next to a bag of flour.

"Ah, now that sounds a little more plausible," I chuckled.

"Shut up and help me. I've no idea what I'm doing." Rosie hobbled over to the large oak kitchen table, arms filled with supplies.

I stood up to help her set everything down. Rosie sauntered off to the fridge to grab some eggs, butter and milk for the batter. Pulling out a neatly folded piece of paper from her back pocket, she arranged it in front of us, smoothing out the creases with her hands. We were making a classic Victoria sponge cake.

***

Turns out Rosie and I made a great baking duo. We followed the recipe she printed off her computer to the letter. Forty minutes later, we both sat at the kitchen table, cup of tea in hand, waiting for the two cake sponges we had placed in the oven to cook. We even did the washing up and wiped the surfaces. All we had left to do was add cream and jam once they cooled.

I absentmindedly traced the rim of my teacup, staring into the golden liquid.

"Are you okay, Nat? You keep daydreaming every so often. Not that I mind the silence, but you clearly have something on your mind," Rosie asked, breaking the quiet spell I was under.

"What? Yeah. I'm okay." I returned to my mug and after taking a brief swig of my drink, I turned to my sister. "Actually, no. Can I ask you a question? Ah, this feels weird, but I'm desperate."

"Charming! Go on before I change my mind," Rosie urged.

"When you and Daniel had sex for the first time, how was it?"

"Talk about going straight in with the personal questions, Nat. Don't ease me in or anything." Rosie coughed, narrowing her eyes.

"Told you I was desperate."

"Well, let's start by saying it's not like in those romance novels of yours where their first time is all trembling at the knees and seeing stars. It can hurt a bit. Especially if he doesn't take his time. Luckily for me, Daniel and I were together for a while before we slept together. We were both ready and he was very attentive to my needs. And with practice, you can only get better. It took me a good few goes to enjoy it." She took a gulp of her drink, checked the timer and eyed me before continuing, "Why? Are you thinking of having sex or have you already done it?"

"Done it," I mumbled.

"Max?"

I nodded and looked away so she wouldn't see the tears that threatened to fall.

"Do you want to tell me what happened? Did he force himself on you?" Rosie rested her hand on my arm and spoke in a soft soothing voice.

"No, he didn't force me. I agreed. I just don't think I should've. I lost my virginity to someone that doesn't really care about me. He didn't even hug me after. Just shooed me to the bathroom, hung my knickers on the door handle and went to make himself a sandwich. He didn't even offer to make me one, and then we didn't talk about it afterwards." Large tears streamed down my face as the words tumbled out.

Rosie stood from her chair, placed her arms around me and smoothed my hair while speaking in a low voice. "One, losing your virginity is such a stupid saying. You lost nothing. If anything, you gained a new experience. Two, so you had sex with Max and feel crap about it now. These things happen. Don't feel bad. I'm going to call Sian. You need her more than you need me right now."

Rosie grabbed her phone and before I could stop her, she had called Sian and explained what had happened. Sian had told her she would be over as soon as possible, dropping whatever she was doing in the meantime.

While we waited for her to arrive, Rosie took the cake sponges out of the oven, allowing them to cool. Half an hour later, our front doorbell rang. My sister went to answer it and returned with Sian who held my favourite ice cream, mint chocolate chip.

I pulled three spoons out of the drawer and positioned them on the table.

"Right, well I'm going to leave you girls to it," Rosie announced as she eyed the spoons.

"Don't be silly, Rosie. Stay. I want you to." I patted the chair beside me as I sat in mine. Sian popped the lid off the ice cream and perched on the edge of the seat in front of me.

We all tucked into the pot filled with frozen happiness, giving Sian enough time to think of her questions for my interrogation. "So, so, so, why so glum little Nat? Rosie gave me a brief update, but I need to hear it from you."

I flew into detail about what had happened at Max's flat, leaving out my encounter with Alec at the cinema.

"Let me get this straight, you're upset because you slept with Max or is it because you had sex for the first time?" Sian stopped eating and crossed her arms on the table.

"I don't know. Both maybe," I mumbled, dropping my spoon into the ice cream tub.

"It was bound to happen, eventually. And you must like Max enough to sleep with him or you wouldn't have done it in the first place. It's all about how you deal with it now. Getting upset and wallowing in self-pity when it has already happened is pointless. You can make mistakes, just don't make them twice."

"I can't exactly make that mistake twice," I muttered, screwing my face up.

"You know what I meant."

"When did you two get so wise? Rosie is younger than me and you're only a few months older and you both seem to know everything already."

"I don't know everything." Rosie stood up from the table and removed a bowl of buttercream from the fridge. "Mum might've made this earlier. No idea how to make it. See, I don't know everything," she laughed in an effort to lighten the mood.

Sian and I watched her layer buttercream and jam on the bottom tier of the cake before sandwiching the second half on top. Then she dusted the surface with icing powder.

"That looks amazing, Rosie! Well done," I praised and clapped while she rolled her eyes at me.

Next, we all moved to the lounge to watch a TV show about Zombies after I pleaded for a temporary ban on romantic comedies. They assured me we weren't watching a horror but a comedy. Once again, they were right. This Zombie coroner's assistant had tears of laughter running down my face instead of tears from screaming.

"What you need is a girls' night out!" Sian unexpectedly screeched in my ear as I was concentrating on the TV.

"What do you have in mind?" I wasn't committing to anything until she gave me more details.

"We could go clubbing in Portsmouth. Thursday nights are still student night, even non term time. So we can get cheaper drinks," Sian enthusiastically proposed.

"Rosie, you'll come with us too?" I begged as she shied away from us, her hands wringing in her lap.

"I can't, can I? Little sister here. I'm underaged." Rosie pointed out, sounding defeated.

"I'm friends with a few bouncers at some of the clubs. I can sneak you in and you're too sensible to get in trouble once we're inside," Sian reassured her with a pat on her thigh.

"I'm not too sensible. You make me sound boring. Okay, I'll come, but Daniel is dropping us off and picking us up so we don't get stranded there if we miss the last train home. Plus, I don't want to get the train." Rosie chuckled and I could see the excitement in her eyes.

"That's settled then. It's going to be so much fun!" Sian squealed while she bounced on the sofa.

***

After the episode of the Zombie TV show ended, Rosie walked off to her bedroom to call Daniel to make sure he didn't have plans on Thursday and could be our taxi for the night. Sian and I wandered to my room for a much-needed catch-up.

Sian spun in the swivel chair at my desk while I folded some of my discarded clothes from earlier and put them neatly on the chair in the corner. They would make it to my chest of drawers if I remembered. I liked to believe that I lived in an organised mess. Anyone walking in would think I was untidy, but I knew exactly where everything was.

"Take a seat, Nat. I need to tell you something." Sian stopped herself from spinning by placing her hand on my desk. Her poker face gave nothing away.

I flopped down onto my bed, pretending I was examining my navy blue knitted throw.

"I can't keep this from you any longer and I know you know something, anyway." My attention now fully on Sian, I dropped my throw to look at her. She paused. "You were right. I'm seeing someone. Before I tell you who it is, the first thing you have to understand is that I didn't mean to keep it from you. I promise. I wanted to tell you ages ago, but I got scared of what you would think. And the longer I left it, the harder it got to admit."

Sian shuffled over from her seat at my desk to sit next to me on my bed. She grabbed both of my hands in hers and continued, "It all happened so fast. It was only meant to be a bit of fun and before I knew it, I was head over heels for him. There was no escaping it. He moved into my flat a month ago and we've been inseparable since."

"Spit it out already. Who is it?" I urged, my heart beating hard while I anticipated her answer.

"James Reed. But he's nothing like Max. He treats me so well. And my parents adore him, so that's a bonus. I just need you to be okay with it so I can relax. I hate keeping anything from you." Sian's voice shook as she looked into my eyes to gauge my reaction.

"Are you really happy?" I whispered, placing my forehead against hers.

She nodded, her eyes glistening.

"Then that's all I need to know. Just promise no more secrets." I tugged Sian to me and squeezed her tight while I cried for the second time that night.

"Promise," Sian sniffled.

We hugged each other for a good ten minutes until our tears ran dry.

It was getting late so Sian decided she would stay the night at mine. She rang James, letting him know she was safe and needed to spend time with her best friend. He understood, reassuring her that he would have her work clothes and packed lunch all ready for her in the morning so she wouldn't be late.

I handed her a clean pair of pyjamas to change into and we climbed into my double bed.

With the lights out, my lilac walls darkened to a shade as dark as my navy blue bedding. I crept out from under the covers and opened my curtains to let some moonlight in.

Back in the comfort of my bed, I rolled onto my side, away from Sian. "Tell me all about James then."

***