Once Upon a Time in Brittanyland

HELEN

~Is Chris asking me out on a date?~

“But what about you and Brittany?” I asked.

~God knows I don’t need to give that bitch another reason to make my life miserable.~

“There’s nothing ~about~ me and Brittany,” he said, to my surprise.

~Why is it every time he’s in front of me I feel like I’m gonna piss my pants?~

“Isn’t she gonna be pissed that we’re hanging out?”

Chris just waved it off. “She’s not the boss of me. Besides, you and I have known each other for years.”

The charming way he said it made all the Brittany doubts float right out of my head. But I still had plenty left.

~Chris asking me out? Why?~

Maybe he’d looked at his shiny white teeth too long in the mirror this morning, and it’d blinded him to the fact that I’ve got nothing to offer but tits and ass.

Whatever, though. Obviously I wasn’t going to say no.

And after all that bullshit up at Bear Creek, I went home feeling pumped to be going on a date with a ~normal guy~.

~Chill, Helen. You don’t know that this is a date.~

I couldn’t wait to get back to the dorm and pick out a cute outfit.

Luckily, Emma wasn’t home when I got back to the dorm, so I could make a mess and leave my clothes scattered everywhere.

I needed the perfect look for tonight.

Just a couple of days ago, I’d thought I’d had no chance, but now, I was finally getting my shot with Chris.

He’d always been an enigma to me, ever since we’d met freshman year.

This was probably because he was the one guy I ~couldn’t~ fuck.

Maybe it was just the freedom of college, or maybe it’s because I’d finally lost my virginity senior year of high school, but when I got to Boulder State, it was like I couldn’t get enough dick.

Forget extracurricular activity, I practically majored in it.

I’d go out to clubs and booty-grind every crotch within reach, hoin’ it up till sunrise literally every weekend.

I mean, every class I took had at least one guy I’d fucked around with.

But Chris was different…

He’d sync up with me on the dance floor and flirt by the keg, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seduce him.

And obviously, the fact that he was able to resist me, only made me like him more.

I peeled off the baggy carpenter jeans I’d been wearing in the studio and pulled a bunch of different dresses out of the closet. A low-cut black one, a yellow sun dress, a short blue one, and a couple of skirts.

Really, I don’t think Chris was just playing hard to get with me.

He was a handsome guy and super cool—so ~every girl~ liked him.

And what wasn't to like? He was rich and stylish and super fit from all that squash.

But he never took advantage of that. And he never really fucked around or broke random girls’ hearts.

I think what made him so attractive was that, unlike other dudes, Chris actually had standards and always seemed like this upright guy.

He was the rare guy who actually ~wanted~ a connection.

I had already tried and thrown aside the first two dresses, and now had my arm crossed over my shoulder, struggling to zip up the short blue one.

I pulled on one of the denim skirts and knew right away it was perfect. Showing just enough leg and closely hugging my ass, I knew it would drive Chris wild.

I guess after being so loose throughout college, I was ready for a connection too.

I just never thought it’d be with Chris.

He was ~waaaaaaay~ out of my league.

Which is why I wasn’t even that bummed to hear that he’d hooked up with Brittany. She was hotter than me, and skinnier than me, and she somehow seemed more right for him.

But as I know all too well, shit happens when you’re drunk, and maybe the Chris and Brittany thing was just a hook-up.

~Anyway, fuck her,~ I thought. ~I gotta get my head in the game for tonight.~

Finally, for a top, I decided to go with stripes. Classic white and blue, kinda French.

~I think Chris will really like this, his family being country club members and all.~

***

Chris wanted to go to the movies.

Sure, it wasn’t quite as original as the honey farm, but I’d had enough original for the time being.

And besides, I loved a good excuse to snuggle up with a big tub of popcorn and lean into the gorgeous man on my arm.

When we got to the theater, I was all psyched to see the new zombie movie I'd heard about, but Chris had other ideas.

“The new Tarantino just opened, we gotta go,” he said.

I was in no mood to sit through four hours of talking, so I put my foot down.

“Look, you’re the one who asked me out. So if you wanna go see some talky movie, maybe you should’ve asked out Sean or something.”

“Or maybe I should call Sean, and he can watch that lame zombie movie with you,” Chris snapped back. “He’s way more of a horror guy than I am.”

“Sean smells funny,” I said, and Chris laughed.

“If we see something interesting, then we can ~discuss~ it after.”

Spending extra time with Chris sounded better than my zombie movie.

“Oh, well if it’s ~discussion~ that you’re after,” I said flirtatiously.

He leaned in closer, looking straight into my eyes, and tucked a stray lock of my hair. “There, it looks better that way,” he said. “Let me go get the tickets.”

~Was he flirting?~

As I got in line for popcorn, my eyes kept gravitating over to the ice-cream kiosk. My imagination was having a big, mad love affair with the picture menu behind the counter. My mouth salivated at the thought of tasting all that chocolatey goodness.

~I should just get one. Who cares what Chris thinks!~

Initially, I wasn’t going to be greedy, but now that I practically had my nose pressed up against the glass, I found myself torn in so many different directions.

Cookie Dough, Caramel Chew Chew, or Double Chocolate Fudge?

I had to swallow a gallon of saliva just to finish giving my order to the young counter guy.

“I’ll have the three scoop tub please, one of each of those.” I pointed, watching him grab a tub from the shelf. “With some chopped nuts too.”

I handed over the cash as he handed me the generously filled tub.

“Thank you,” I said, taking it hungrily. I walked over to where Chris was standing, scooping the cherry off the top with my tongue, just to tease him.

“I didn’t know our date was gonna get so hot so quickly,” he said to me, eyeing up the sundae.

“Don’t get any nasty ideas,” I said. “That is, unless you wanna cover yourself in caramel.”

“Uhh, I don’t think I’d wanna get that many zits,” he said.

Going into the darkened theater, I wondered for a second if Chris was trying to be mean, but then remembered how he had been the only one who didn’t make fun of me for drawing Mr. Hammond naked.

Chris has always been nice to me, ever since freshman year.

***

The Tarantino movie was just like I’d thought it’d be—a whole lot of talking.

But at least it had Brad Pitt and Leo. So I spent half the movie fantasizing about them ripping my panties off with their teeth.

Chris was super into the movie though. At one point, he even leaned over and shushed me.

“Helen, do you really need to smack your lips like that?”

And later, I guess he thought I was eating too fast because he said, “It’s a three-hour movie, so you have plenty of time to finish that sundae.”

I guess he was right, but I couldn’t help it. You put all three of my favorite flavors together in one bowl, add nuts and caramel on top, and I just lose control.

So sue me. He didn’t need to be such a diva about it.

I didn’t let any of that get me down. I just felt happy to be back in the city and on a normal date with a normal guy…

A normal guy who was not my stepbrother.

“Oh my God, what an ending!” Chris said as we were walking back into the lobby.

“Yeah, it was pretty violent,” I said.

“But it was such an amazing commentary on, like, the violence we see in movies all the time, but like, by putting it in a movie, Tarantino’s making Hollywood accountable for the violence we see in society.”

“Chris, ~you’re so smart~,” I said, but this compliment didn’t work either.

“Did you like it?”

“It was much better than I expected,” I said. “I’m glad we saw that instead.”

“Me too,” he said. “Thank you for being flexible.”

“Oh, you haven’t seen nothin’ yet,” I said. “I can be ~so flexible~.”

But before Chris got a chance to answer, a loud shrill voice yelled, “What the fuck!”

“Uh oh,” Chris said, almost under his breath.

“I thought you said you were hanging out with Sean tonight?”

Like a tornado, Brittany stormed out of the crowd waiting for tickets and headed straight for us.

“Instead, you blow me off to hang out with this fat bitch?”

“I didn’t,” Chris stammered, “Britt, calm down, Sean was busy.”

“Busy, my ass,” Brittany yelled.

“We’re just friends, Britt,” Chris said.

Hearing that, my heart sank.

~I knew it was too good to be true.~

Call me stupid, but I really thought it was a date.

Chris continued, “You don’t have to go all psycho!”

“You lying prick,” she said, and then turned to me, “And ~you~. If you think you’re gonna steal my man from me…”

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” I said, and hearing that, Brittany calmed down just a little bit.

“I mean, I wouldn’t dream of it until after he got an STD test,” I continued, “cuz who knows what he caught from you?”

Once the jab landed, Brittany’s eyes grew wide and she lunged after me.

Luckily, my reflexes were quicker than hers, and I stepped aside before she could hit me.

Brittany went sprawling past me into a display stand, tumbling to the ground into the cardboard arms of Brad Pitt and Leo.

Her giant soda didn’t survive the fall, and Brittany thrashed on the floor, soaked in Diet Coke, trying to untangle herself from the cardboard cutouts.

“You better get outta here before she kills you,” Chris said. I didn’t need to be told twice.

He went to help her up while I beelined for the door.

As I was walking out, I heard Brittany behind me.

“Helen, you fat bitch, you’re gonna fucking pay for this!”

~I was so stupid thinking he’d ever want to go on an actual date with me.~

Now I was dreading how Brittany would get back at me…