37 | in which she fears he'll leave

Love is like breathing.

Getting lost in your eyes and forgetting how to breathe.

.\.|./.

Crystal Monroe

| in which she fears he'll leave |

I wake up to an empty hotel room, staring at the empty bed space next to me.

"Ryan?" I grumble, strangely aware of how awkward it would be if he actually responded. Such a girlfriend thing to do.

Shaking my head, I slowly sit up so that the covers slip off me. My eyes scan my surroundings and I don't know how to feel. The bathroom door is half-open and there is no sound from inside it. I get out of bed and enter the bathroom, rinsing my mouth and splashing water on my face before looking around for our things.

"Ryan?" I call louder this time, seeing our bag of clothes still lying on the chair in the corner.

There is no response.

I sit in the bed for a long time, staring at my own hands. There is no sign of Ryan anywhere around, and I wonder if I should get up and leave the room. Without him, I probably shouldn't even be here.

But if he's gone, he's probably taken the car along. Unless something happened to him. Ryan wouldn't just leave me without an explanation.

Would he?

The click of the door opening startles me and I jump, staring wide-eyed at the door that opens when Ryan enters. He's carrying a tray with some disposable boxes in it, stopping suddenly when he catches sight of me.

"Crystal?" he asks, quickly placing the tray on the dingy table in the corner before approaching me at a brisk pace. "Are you okay? Is something wrong?"

I exhale a shaky breath as soon as he places a hand on my shoulder, closing my eyes and dropping my head.

"Crystal, what's --"

"Nothing, I'm fine," I say, sounding the exact opposite of fine. "I just ..."

"Did something happen?" Ryan asks, not convinced by my lie. "Did you see someone or --"

"No, I just ..." I trail off, not knowing what to say.

There is a pause, as Ryan slowly brings his hand to cup my face and make me look at him. His grey eyes are smoldering when he speaks, causing my heart to stop.

"Truth or dare, Crystal?" he asks.

I roll my eyes, smiling slightly.

"Truth," I answer softly. "And I know what you're going to ask."

"What worried you?"

I close my eyes. "I was afraid you left," I confess. "I've been left alone so many times, I don't think I can take being abandoned one more time, especially not by you --"

He leans in, pressing his lips against my forehead and holding me close. I love his expressions of affection, so gentle and full of love. He never kisses me on the lips, choosing either my hands or my forehead. It's respectful, and other girls might not agree, but I love everything about it.

"I'm not leaving you," he whispers against my skin. "Never."

I trust him, shifting closer so that I fit neatly against his body. He smells like fresh flowers, and I assume he took a bath with the fragrant soap of the hotel before he went wherever he went.

"I pick truth too," he says, surprising me.

Pulling back, I peek at his face and see that he has something to tell me.

"What do you want to tell me?" I ask.

Ryan hesitates, taking a deep breath and licking his lower lip. "Officer Warren called."

I freeze, not knowing what to expect. The last thing I want to talk about is Jeremy, especially since he's the reason I keep doubting Ryan in the first place. Somehow, Ryan never seems to mind, and if he does, he doesn't say it.

"Do they have him?" I ask, unsure about the answer I want to hear.

Ryan averts his gaze. "They say we need to go back if we want that."

"I'm not going back," I say without a beat.

"That's what I said," he agrees.

"You did?" I ask, taken aback.

Ryan nods. "I told them you're not coming back there and they can do whatever they want about it. I'm not letting you get hurt again, Crystal. I couldn't do anything last time but this --"

Placing my hands on either side of Ryan's face, I place my lips against his. I kiss Ryan after what feels like ages, and it still feels perfect. He doesn't rush, he doesn't force it, letting me take charge of my choice of expression.

"Thank you," I whisper against his lips.

Ryan smiles, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me close.

Neither of us mentions Jeremy or Alaska after that, as we dig into the breakfast Ryan got. Even when we have paid our rent for the night and gotten back on the road, we've gone back to our usual selves.

It's easy being myself around Ryan, since he's always such a welcoming person. I can snort all I want and yawn with my mouth wide open. Even when I pretended to burp, Ryan just laughed, looking at me without judgement. He looks at me like I'm perfect, and I can't help but feel perfect when he looks at me like that.

We enter Los Angeles around nightfall, and the sun is setting behind the mountains when Ryan tells me we've finally made it back to the place he called home for the first eighteen years of his life.

He doesn't seem excited to be back, his face pale. I don't know what it is about being back that scares him, but I know Ryan has his own demons. His fear of darkness and annoyance with heat, his sheer dislike for the city I have been dreaming of visiting for so long, and his hints about secrets tell me he's carrying burdens that are weighing him down.

I can just hope he can share them with me soon.

"We're eating at one of my favorite places tonight," he says, forcing a transparent smile.

I nod, grinning excitedly. I have been considering it for a couple of days now, and can't wait to talk to Ryan about it. Maybe dinner would be the perfect time to let him know my plan and see what he thinks.

I have an idea he's going to love it.

"Cal Mare," he announces, leading me by the hand into a place called Beverly Center. Ryan parked near some place called 3rd Street valet, taking my hand and walking towards the biggest building I have ever seen in my life.

My attire, which was everyday in Alaska makes me feel like a hippie off the streets as soon as I become a part of the LA crowd. There are more people in this mall than there are in the entire city I spent my life in, and each person looks cooler than the last.

Ryan fits in perfectly, and though his skin is lighter than most now, after being so far from the LA sun, he still looks better than ever. His dark hair and the black shirt he pulled on before we left the motel this morning makes Ryan stand out in the colorful crowd, as most people glance at him while he walks past them. People glance at me too, but they look at me like I crawled out from under a rock and they would like nothing more than for me to return to my hole.

"What's wrong?" Ryan asks me as we push through the ocean of bodies.

"I feel so ... uncool," I admit.

He laughs, pulling me closer to himself and wrapping an arm around my waist.

"I'm all for uncool," he says, kissing my temple as we pack into one of the elevators heading upwards.

"You say that now," I mumble. "What about when some celebrity sees you and wants you to herself. What about me then?"

Ryan shrugs. "I'd pick a lame Crystal over a cool Arianna Grande any day," he says.

I narrow my eyes at his playful tone. "What about Demi Lovato?"

Ryan pretends to think it over. "Nah, she'll win any day."

I roll my eyes and attempt to push him, accidentally elbowing a girl with sunglasses in her ribs.

She yells out, cursing at me like I broke a bone. I hold my tongue, wanting to tell her she kind of deserved it for trying to force herself between Ryan and I. Thankfully, Ryan is better at handling things than I am.

"Shut it, she heard you, okay?" Ryan snaps at her, glaring daggers that make the wannabe celeb shut up.

Yes, what a gentleman Ryan can be.

I burst out laughing as soon as we step out of the elevator, nudging him.

"Aren't you a bunch of sunshine," I tease him.

"LA brings out the worst in me," he mumbles, smiling slightly at me as he leads me into a fine dining restaurant.

He asks for an empty table and though the place looks packed, the guy responsible for seating clearly knows Ryan. A brief exchange later, we're being ushered into a corner table with two chairs set opposite each other. Ryan waves the guy off, pulling his chair next to mine so that we're side by side, watching the horde of people gorge on food that smells like it came from heaven. My stomach grumbles so loud I'm amazed the entirety of California doesn't hear it.

"I love the sea-food here," Ryan comments, ordering two platters before turning to give me his full attention.

"Listen ... about LA ..." I hesitate, watching him closely as he waits for me to go on. "I've been thinking we should keep driving. Maybe see Las Vegas before traveling further up North? We don't need to stop here. Besides ... I really don't think this place is for me." I wave a hand around. "If the fashion police is a real thing, they'll probably lock me up or hang me by my toes if I stay and yeah, I don't want that."

Ryan had begun to laugh halfway through my last sentence, and now that I've finally shut up, he pulls me into his arms and gives me a warm hug.

"You're amazing, you know that?" he asks, letting go.

I flip my hair back dramatically. "All Alaskans are," I joke.

Ryan laughs, lightening up instantly. I can see he's relieved to hear that I'm not planning to stay in LA, and I'm glad I'm not the cause of his struggle. As much as I'd love to know he can rely on me, I don't want him to feel like he has to put himself second with me. If he can accept me as I am, all my flaws and demons attached, I can accept his monsters too. Maybe eventually, we'll even defeat them.

His laughter comes to a sudden halt, and his face drains of color. I look at him, my panic rising even before I can follow his gaze to see the girl he's staring at.

Short blonde hair, a stunning figure wrapped in a summer-dress that shows off her long legs, the girl is exactly how I would imagine an LA diva to be.

"Ryan?" I ask, reaching out to place my hand on his. "Who is that?"

He swallows, not breaking eye contact with her.

"Lilliana," he whispers.

Olivia's voice echoes in my head. "Lilliana, Ryan's ex. They had a pretty bad breakup and he never told me the reason.'

'We broke up, Crystal. before I came here. She was the final blow that made me leave LA.'

My heart beats fast as I hold Ryan's hand, watching him shut me out as his gaze remains rooted to the girl who clearly had an impact on Ryan, greater than I assumed.

"We should go, Ryan," I say, hoping he would hear me. He doesn't look like he even knows I'm here anymore. "Let's --"

"I'll be back," Ryan interrupts, getting to his feet so that my hand slips off his.

"Ryan --" I begin.

"Bathroom," he mumbles, not looking at me as he moves around the table and heads in the opposite direction from Lilliana and towards the bathroom doors I can see from my place.

As soon as Ryan disappears through the gents' one, I turn my gaze back to the girl who caused Ryan to walk away from me without an answer. She glances at me, a smile playing along her lips, before beginning to walk towards the bathrooms too.

I don't know why I expect her to go into the ladies' section, because she proves me wrong the next moment by following Ryan.

And I sit there, not knowing what to think.

Except that he walked away from me.

Because maybe ... Ryan is a runner too. A runner like Jeremy.

.\.|./.

A/N: What do you expect from the next chapter? The story is slowly coming to a close, so are you ready for the end?

Media above for all my friends who are a part of the MendesArmy.