Lust: Chapter 15

Sofia smiles sweetly at me from across the table and my chest constricts like a vise. I texted her as soon as I left the church last night, asking her to meet up for coffee. Her enthusiastic response made me feel like an asshole.

I devoured her sister in the bathroom of the church, and she doesn’t have the slightest clue.

Fuck, what if Hector found out? He’d never speak to me again. I’d never be included as an honorary family member again. No more Sunday barbeques or praying at the Thanksgiving meal or being called “Uncle Brandon” by his grandchildren. I’d be cut out from the haven I found after all the warmth seemed to leave the world with my mother.

I’d lose everything.

I clear my throat. “I have something to tell you.”

Her eyes widen before lowering to her lap. “This doesn’t sound good.”

The dejection in her voice makes me want to reach out and grab her hand. “Sofia, I’m so sorry. I never should have started something with you when I’ve been struggling with… Having my own struggles. It isn’t the right time.”

She licks her lips. “What do you mean?”

I let out a long sigh. “I’ve been having some internal struggles. Struggles with sin if I’m being completely honest. It wouldn’t be fair to you to start something now.”

“We all struggle with sin. Anyone who says they don’t is a liar.”

“I agree with that, but this particular sin…” I shake my head. “If you knew what it was, I’m not sure if you would be so forgiving.”

Those clear brown eyes meet mine. “Try me.”

There’s a challenge in those eyes, and it’s as clear and sparkling as the water glass in my hand.

If you’re going to dump me, at least have the decency to tell me the truth.

I ought to be as honest with her as I can, leaving Mariana out of it, of course. It’s a pastor’s duty to show his humanity when appropriate. The fact that I’m terrified of Hector finding out only reinforces that it’s the right thing to do. It’s time to stop being selfish.

This is about Sofia, not Hector.

I shut my eyes and let out a heavy breath. “I’ve been struggling with lust lately…”

“Oh.” Her eyes grow wide before lowering to her lap. “Do you mean…” She licks her lips. “Did you maybe watch something…”

Her cheeks darken, and my chest sinks. She thinks I watched porn. She thinks I would break up with her over something so trifling, because the people who raised her wouldn’t find it trifling at all. Hector and Ana are staunchly anti-porn and believe that even one viewing is the equivalent of infidelity.

Fuck. They would loathe me if they knew what I really did.

“No,” I say. “It’s worse than that. I… I messed around with a woman.”

Her head jerks up, those big eyes of hers widening. It would be so much worse if she knew it was Mariana. That the woman who consumes my thoughts at all hours of the day is her sister.

“Is she someone you have feelings for?” she asks.

“No.” The word comes out too quickly to sound sincere even to my own ears. “It’s only lust. She’s not someone I’d ever want to be in a relationship with.”

Sofia lets out a breath, her features softening. “I see. So she’s kind of…easy.”

The word steals the breath from my lungs. Easy. It’s such an ugly word to describe a woman like Mariana. Such an ugly word in general, as if a woman’s worth is determined by how difficult she is for a man to acquire.

Sofia doesn’t know what she’s saying. She doesn’t know who she’s talking about, first of all, and she can’t help that she was raised to think this way. First Covenant taught her these ideas. She’s a victim of a misogynistic self-serving view of the Bible.

Still, a deep part of me can’t help but hate her a little bit for saying something so ugly about Mariana.

I shake my head. The weight of my sins bears down on my body, making my movements sluggish. “No, I wouldn’t say that about her. But my feelings for her are only physical.”

Liar.

The word is as clear and resonant as if God spoke it from heaven. How could my feelings for her be only physical when I came into this already loving her like my own flesh and blood?

Fuck. What if that familial love becomes something more? What if I fall in love with her for real?

God help me if that ever happens.

“I forgive you.”

The words jerk me out of my head. “What?” I nearly shout at her.

She licks her lips. “I do. I know it must be so hard for a man to stay celibate until marriage. You’re so physically driven. I sin every day. My sins are different, granted, but I’d be a hypocrite to judge you for your struggles. Look what you did.” She smiles faintly. “You came to me right after it happened. That shows that you’re aware of your sin and trying to make it right.”

“Sofia, I don’t want you to give me credit for—”

“No, let me finish.” Her voice grows louder. “I don’t expect my boyfriend to be perfect. He can’t expect perfection from me either. I believe we’ll have to work together every day to make our relationship work. And that means frequently having to say the words ‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I forgive you.’ I know we’re not fully dating but…” She lowers her eyes to the table.

My throat squeezes so tight I have to cough to clear it. God, she’s so sweet. Never in the months that I’ve been courting her have my feelings for her ever been so clear to me. What was I thinking starting this? Unlike what I feel for her sister, my love for Sofia is truly familial.

She’s like a little sister to me.

“Sofia…” I groan as I run a hand through my hair. “I can’t keep courting you. It was never right to begin with. I’m starting to realize that my feelings for you are more—”

“You’re not into me.”

I jerk back. When my gaze roams her face, a small smile tugs at her lips.

“I know,” she says. “And I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt my feelings a little bit, but I can understand, in a way. Hearing my dad talk about me like I’m a pathetic loser who will never get married probably didn’t help.”

“Sofi,” I say, softening my voice. “He never said anything like—”

“I know he didn’t say it outright, but don’t lie to me and say that he doesn’t constantly talk about the fact that I’m almost thirty and still single.”

Heat washes over my skin, and I lower my eyes to the wooden table. I can’t deny it. He talks about it constantly.

“I won’t ask you to betray his trust. You’re his friend, and he needs to be able to vent to you, but just think of what it’s like for me. I lost everything three years ago…”

When she takes a deep breath and lifts her coffee to her mouth, I reach out and set my hand on hers. “I know, honey.”

Honey. It’s the word I used to call Ethan when he was a baby, and here it just rolled off the tongue. How could I have ever thought I could have a physical relationship with this woman?

“Can we at least wait until Livvy’s wedding to stop officially courting?” she asks, her voice firm and clear. “You know being there is going to be really hard for me. It would be even worse if I didn’t have a date.”

Mariana’s words from yesterday echo in my head. She needs to get over him. Though it’s not my place to decide when Sofia’s heart heals, I don’t love the idea of indulging her pride this far.

“Finn is Livvy’s cousin,” Sofia says. “There’s no way I can escape him. He’ll be there with his wife and baby. The baby he conceived while I was making wedding favors—” Her voice chokes, and she shuts her eyes.

I wrap my hand around her tiny one. “We can wait. It’s not like I’m going to pursue this other woman. We can wait to call things off officially until after the wedding.”

Her eyes pop open, and a joyous smile overtakes her face. “And we won’t tell my family?”

My chest squeezes. I hate the idea of lying to Hector, but I’m already lying by omission on another count.

I usually tell him my struggles. If I had violated my celibacy vow with any other woman, I would have unburdened myself to him immediately.

That sin will be taken to my grave. He’ll never know what I did to his daughter.

I smile faintly, though my lips quiver. “We won’t tell your family.”

Mariana

A tingle of discomfort skitters over my skin. Sofia got home hours ago, and she didn’t say a word. She went straight to her room.

Is she sad that Brandon broke up with her? I wouldn’t have expected it. Irritated maybe, but not sad.

Guilt claws my insides.

Even if she isn’t invested in Brandon, it still must have hurt to be rejected by him. Finn’s defection left her heart in a fragile state. If she’s grieving behind that shut door, it’s from the resurrected pain of her broken engagement.

Years ago, I would have gone into her bedroom on the second story of our old house. I would have plopped down on her bed with the white comforter and bright-blue sheets. She would have been sitting at her desk, pretending to work on college homework. She’d roll her eyes at me and tell me she needed privacy, but then I’d ask her what’s wrong in a voice just for her. She’d break down crying—like she did with her first boyfriend—and I’d rush over to her and wrap my arms around her shoulders. She’d say she was fine in a voice mixed with tearfulness and exasperation, but she wouldn’t push me away.

What would she do if I went in there now?

She’d be as silent as death, and it would feel like it too. Like how I knew Abuelo was gone as soon as we walked into his hospital room a decade ago. The silence of death is so thick you can almost touch it. I feel the death of my relationship with Sofia every moment I’m around her.

The door opens, and Sofia walks to the kitchen. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence, but there’s nothing unusual about that.

“How was your coffee date?” I ask, unable to help myself.

As she opens the fridge, she lets out a soft little laugh, which eases the tension in my shoulders.

She’s not sad that he broke up with her.

“He wanted to end our…whatever you call it. Relationship, I guess.” Her smile grows. “Because he messed around with someone.”

My stomach does a little turn. She wouldn’t be smiling right now if she knew who it was. In fact, she’d probably be at our parents’ house telling on both me and Brandon.

I clear my throat. “He told you that?”

A little giggle escapes her mouth as her eyes grow unfocused, as if she’s reflecting. “You know how honest he is about sin. I’ve always admired that about him. I know pastors are human, but…” Her dark eyes probe into my face. “Who do you think it was?”

I can’t help but smile. She rarely ever initiates gossip with me like she used to when we were younger. This is the kind of conversation she would now have with Dani.

“I don’t know,” I say, unable to stop from indulging her even in my deceit. “It wouldn’t be someone in his congregation.”

She frowns. “Well, of course not.”

My throat grows tight. I cough to clear it. “Maybe someone he met at the gym.”

Her eyes grow wide as she smiles. “I think he still has a contact list full of women. You know he was a big man-whore before he was saved. I bet he called up an old hookup buddy.”

Her childish grin makes mist rise to my eyes. Oh God, I miss this so much. This is how she and I used to talk to each other. This was part of my everyday life.

I smile. “Maybe two. He seems like a threesome guy.”

“Mariana Isabel!” she scolds, though her chest shakes with laughter. “Don’t you dare give me that mental image. I have to listen to this man preach the word of God.”

I wave a hand. “No one will expect you to help out on Saturdays if you guys aren’t dating anymore.”

Her smile fades. “No, that’s just between us. We’re not going to tell the rest of the family until after Livvy’s wedding.”

My skin heats. “Why?”

But I already know the answer.

“I don’t want to go alone.” Her eyes narrow. “You already know why.”

“Sofi…”

She lifts a hand. “I don’t want to hear whatever it is you have to say. You can’t relate to what I’m going through. Even if it happened to you, you’d never understand.”

“And why is that?”

She shrugs, her expression growing prim. It’s the snotty look she used to give me as a child when she was disappointed in me. “Because you’re not following God.”

Ice fills my veins, and the world around me grows a shade darker. Was there really warmth between us a moment ago? I hardly even remember.

I refuse to accept crumbs from her as if that’s all I deserve. If she wants to ostracize me from her life because of my lack of faith, it’s her loss.

That she doesn’t feel the loss as acutely as I do is painful, but that pain will fade.

I’m resilient.

I’m resilient because I choose to be.