nineteen: about a breakup

The thing is, breakups shouldn't hurt as much as this.

They should feel like broken glass and too much whisky. They should feel like bombs, blowing up lives without a care in the world. They should feel like nails on violin strings, raw and discordant, lemon juice squeezed over open wounds. They should feel impossible and terrible and heartbreaking.

But not like this. Not like how Jeong-Soon feels now, his heart long ripped out and shredded to pieces. The melancholy rhythm of his soul screams, a dolente cacophony in his chest. It strains at its ivory cage and claws for salvation, searching, searching, searching, and he wants it all to just stop---because there's a billion ways he could feel, but not like this. Never like this.

In the emptiness of the street outside the house of the boy he always thought he'd spend forever with, Jeong-Soon is a moth, hitting himself against the same streetlight over and over again, burning and flailing and dying---once, twice, a thousand times. Thud, thud, thud. Moth against the lamp, boy against the street. Burning out, bleeding in.

Every crack on the pavement suddenly seems too large, as if it'll swallow him any moment. Jeong-Soon wishes they would---so he wouldn't have to feel like this, because it's ten on a Saturday morning and he feels like shit and his boyfriend's just dumped him over therapy and he's so sad he could die and oh God, it's raining.

The rain splatters his teary face and plasters his hair to his equally-teary forehead, and Jeong-Soon wants to punch the sky. So he does, because it doesn't make him feel better, but it does distract him from the triste beat of his torn-up paper heart, even if only for a second.

Because no matter what, all the sky punching in the world can't change the fact that Jeong-Soon has just been threatened, dumped, and kicked out by Gregory Gan.

Okay. It's just a rough patch. All couples go through rough patches. It doesn't matter that he tried to kill me. Just a rough patch.

The rain generously dusts itself over Jeong-Soon's lashes, making him blink furiously and swipe at the offending liquid. He's shaking. Shaking and trembling from head to toe, because no matter how much he tries to convince himself otherwise, it isn't just a rough patch, and it does matter that Gregory tried to kill him, especially in response to a suggestion for therapy.

Jeong-Soon hates it---how he'd ended up backing away in the end, how he'd inadvertedly let Gregory have his way again, how he'd felt genuinely fearful of his own boyfriend. And he knows no one would blame him, but he can't help blaming himself. The edges of his mind take over, like they always do, caving in on him and insisting he could have done something differently, everything differently.

I shouldn't have slept with him. He needed help. We should have finished our conversation. He was calmer yesterday. It would have worked. But no matter how much Jeong-Soon tries to convince himself otherwise, he knows it wouldn't have worked---because as it all stands, Gregory Gan does not want to go to therapy. Not even for him.

The rain pelts Jeong-Soon's face irritatedly, as if berating him for thinking with the wrong head.

But really, he's not sure where it all went wrong. Perhaps it had gone wrong when their universes had collided for the second time. Perhaps it had gone wrong when they'd rushed into things, too eager to patch up the could haves and the would haves and the should haves. Or perhaps it had gone wrong on a single fateful day two years before, when two polar opposites who were never meant to meet had crashed into each others' orbits.

Jeong-Soon feels a puddle splashing over his denim-clad knees, the pavement smashing into his legs so hard his face almost slams into the floor. He's not sure when he'd stopped standing, when he'd stopped breathing---or when he'd ended up like this, the ground pressed to his knees, one hand clutching his suddenly airless chest, rain still relentlessly sticking messy bangs to his teary eyes.

He can't breathe. And it sucks. But it still doesn't suck as badly as the shattered shards of the useless lump that is his heart, coal in his already-heavy chest. Because Jeong-Soon knows that he and Gregory Gan should never have happened, and yet, he can't bring himself to regret it.

They'd been ruin from the start, crash and burn personified, but they'd been beautiful---so beautiful. They'd been twin stars in the night, thrown together every time.

I just have to trust the universe.

But he doesn't want to. He doesn't want to trust the universe to bring them back together again, because it doesn't feel like it'll happen. Jeong-Soon wants to keep bashing himself against the flickering streelights until his wings go up in flames, until they're cremated to ashes and he can't fly anymore. Anything to die, to get rid of the pain clogging his chest and stuffing his senses with sawdust and gold.

His phone rings.

"Gosh darn it," Jeong-Soon mutters, doing his best to drag himself off the damp ground. His fingers subconsciously creep into his hair, nervously patting down the sex-mussed, rain-drenched locks. For the billionth time, the strands under his nails are so dry that he wonders if he should stop dyeing them. He brushes the thought away, reaching for the phone wedged into the pocket of his jeans.

It's Mia.

And Jeong-Soon knows he shouldn't, but he picks up anyway. "Mia?" he whispers into the phone, feeling his words catch in his throat. He's pretty sure it's obvious he's been crying. He doesn't know whether to care or not.

"After a week of leaving my phone off, I've decided to come back to the world of the living only to find seventy-six missed calls from your sister since last week. Apparently you've been missing since last Friday?" Mia sounds incredulous. "Where are you? I'm coming to pick you up. Have you been staying with Dillon? Please tell me you've been staying with Dillon."

"Mia, I'm not---" It's then that the sobs start again---low, anguished noises that take up every inch of his mouth and refuse to let him speak. No matter how much he desperately tries to curb them, they refuse to stop---poisoning his lungs until he can't breathe, snatching his vocal chords in their wicked grip.

"Jeong-Soon?" Mia gasps, and the unfamiliarity of her using his real name instead of the ever-present babe makes him cry harder. "What's going on? Where are you?"

"I'm so sorry," Jeong-Soon whimpers into the phone. "I'm so sorry."

"Aw, baby, no. There's nothing to be sorry about, okay? You didn't do anything wrong. Tell me where you are. I'm coming to get you."

"I don't know where I am." And it's true, because the building behind him is nothing more than Gregory's house, and the neighbourhood surrounding him is nothing more than Gregory's neighbourhood, and the street he's curled up on is nothing more than Gregory's street. Because despite the fact that Gregory Gan had pointed a blade at him just fifteen minutes before, Jeong-Soon's whole world still revolves around him.

A sigh from the other end. "Okay. Can you walk?"

Jeong-Soon nods, right before remembering that Mia can't see him. "Yeah."

"Are you hurt?"

"No."

"Can you get to school from where you are?"

Jeong-Soon swallows. "I think so."

"Try to get there. I'm on my way."

And then she's gone, like a leaf in the wind.

Jeong-Soon doesn't know how he manages to get to school, but he does, running like a madman against the vengeance of the watery deluge and the anguish of his own heart. By the time he rolls up to the entrance, he's not sure if he's soaked with rain, sweat, or his own tears.

There's a sleek black Audi in front of the school, and he's pretty sure it's not Mia's. But when he gets closer, behind the furious movements of the windshield wiper, he can see his ex-girlfriend behind the wheel. The passenger's side door swings open, and a tall girl dressed from head to toe in pink steps out. She seems shockingly unbothered by the rain splashing her coral-framed glasses or the puddles underneath her rose heels, instead opting to carefully regard Jeong-Soon with bright emerald eyes.

"You look like you've had a rough day," Demeter notes. "Get into the back, Jeong-Soon. I'd offer you shotgun, but I claimed that seat already."

٩( ᐛ )و

"So let me get this straight." Demeter swivels around to face Jeong-Soon, leaning over her seat. "Your boyfriend tried to kill you because you suggested he try therapy."

From where he's curled, Jeong-Soon can do nothing but nod. The rain pounds on the metal roof of the car, and it's distracting---almost. He wishes it was. He hasn't put on his seatbelt yet---he can't be bothered to. Instead, he watches every rivulet of water on his clothes, wincing whenever one hits the beautiful tan seats or the carpeted floor.

Demeter sucks in a deep breath. "Wow," she says. "That's...difficult."

"That's an understatement," Jeong-Soon mumbles, staring at his beat-up sneakers. It's cold. Too cold. There's not even an ounce of warmth left inside his body, and he's sure he'll catch a cold when this is all over.

"Sorry we didn't bring anything to cover you up," Demeter apologises. "We were going to Snow Halation, and Mia finally switched on her phone and freaked out instantly. So we, uh, kind of didn't have time to bring any blankets. Or tissues. And if we switch off the AC, the glass is going to fog like hell." She shoots Jeong-Soon a sympathetic glance. "Sorry."

"It's okay," Jeong-Soon says through chattering teeth. Truthfully, he's just grateful he doesn't have to cry in the rain anymore. Not that he'd cry in the car. Not in front of Mia and Demeter. Definitely not in front of them.

"So how are you feeling?" Mia asks, her fingers drifting to the knob of the AC.

"Like shit," Jeong-Soon admits. "Sad. And stuff. Kind of like I want to die because my heart's been ripped out of my chest and I feel like shit and that sucks and...ugh. I'm sorry. You probably didn't want to hear that." He swipes the back of his hand over his nose, which has started to run. Ew.

Silence fills the car for at least five minutes, before Mia pulls over and parks. It's then that she finally turns, twisting around her seat to look at Jeong-Soon. "You don't need to be sorry, okay? This isn't your fault. Good intentions, good execution, bad reaction." She bites her lip. "He's probably scared, you know?"

"Scared of w-what?" Jeong-Soon can't help the hitch that creeps into his words. "Scared of me?"

"No, no, no." Mia sighs. "You know how people associate therapy with being crazy? I think Gregory may be one of those people." She focuses her warm, dark eyes on him, and it's full of nothing but sincerity. "I think he's scared you might think he's crazy."

"So...you're saying I should just drop it?" Jeong-Soon enquires.

"No!" Mia and Demeter yelp at the same time.

"Give him some time. Maybe some space," Demeter suggests. "He tried to kill you. That's not normal. He's probably really emotional right now, but he still needs help." She pinches the bridge of her long nose. "Ah, it's hard to decide what to do in situations like this. He sounds kind of abusive, honestly---"

"He's not," Jeong-Soon interjects hurriedly. "He's just..." He gulps. "Troubled."

Mia gives him a pointed glance. He pretends not to see it.

"Do you really like him?" Demeter asks.

At that, Jeong-Soon withers---his own feelings dripping poison over every inch of his paper-thin skin. Drip, drip, drip, they taunt as they close in around him, thorns stabbing into his soul with renewed vengeance as the rain pelts the roof and his wings burst into grenadine flames. The rose of his heart shrivels, dying in the soil and drying in the dust. The stars crumble, and Jeong-Soon's universe comes crashing down around his ears.

"I loved him," Jeong-Soon confesses, then shuts his eyes. "I love him."

And he knows it isn't the best thing to say, not in front of his ex-girlfriend and her friend from the ice cream shop. But they're gone, and all that's left is Jeong-Soon and his feelings, kneeling in the ashes of his world as what's left of Gregory Gan breaks his heart over and over again.

"Then talk to him." Demeter's husky voice pierces through his thoughts, worming itself into his brain. Her emerald eyes glitter like diamonds in the dark, against the backdrop of the rain and the wind and the downpour of Jeong-Soon's shattered heart. "Do you think he loves you back?"

Jeong-Soon shuts his eyes. "Yes." It isn't a lie.

"Then he'll try. Tell him how you feel. Tell him why you want him to go to therapy, instead of why he needs it. If he cares about you, maybe he'll listen. Do it fast, because I'm sure he's feeling extremely guilty about trying to kill you right now, and maybe you can capitalise off that guilt a bit." Demeter exhales. "Not that I would know anything about relationships, considering how I've had exactly two girlfriends and one of them dumped me for not being butch, but that's irrelevant. Point is, talk to him. Communicate with him. And if he tries to kill you again..." She shrugs. "Maybe he's not worth it."

It's there again, the unbreakable silence. Mia drums her fingers on the steering wheel, and Demeter studies her star-spangled nails carefully.

Then Jeong-Soon lifts his head, and he doesn't want to do it, doesn't want to talk to Gregory again right now, but it does feel like the right thing to do. "Okay," he mumbles, pressing the heel of his palm against his clammy, rain-drenched forehead. "Okay."

Mia leans over her seat again. "And talk to your sister," she encourages. "I know she messed up, but, you know, good intentions, bad execution. You can't crash at Dillon's forever, and she's...trying."

Jeong-Soon doesn't talk until Mia starts the car up again. He doesn't talk until they arrive at Snow Halation. He doesn't talk until the girls step out of the car and beckon for him to follow.

It's not until Demeter hugs him that he finally unstiffens. Caught off-guard, his hands awkwardly swing at his sides until he finally gives in to the embrace, hugging her back loosely. Mia stands by the side, looking like she wants to hug him too, but he can't blame her for not acting on her thoughts. After all, it's only been a week since their own breakup. She's probably still not ready yet.

"If you need anything, call us. Okay?" Demeter says, and all Jeong-Soon can do is nod.

"Do you want to get some ice cream?" Mia asks.

Jeong-Soon shakes his head, his hand moving up to his abused hair. "Thank you for the ride. And the advice. I, uh, I really appreciate it."

"Don't let Gregory step all over you, okay?" Mia urges. "If he tries to kill you again, don't bother with him anymore. You're worth more than that. Okay?"

Jeong-Soon nods mutedly. He waits for the girls to enter Snow Halation, Demeter's elbow hooked through Mia's. He stands under the bright pink awning for another couple of minutes, watching the rain---barely a drizzle now---pour to the ground, drenching the world in a haze of grey. Then he pulls out his phone.

"Good intentions, bad execution," Jeong-Soon mutters, right before unblocking his sister's contact.

glossary:

dolente — sad, mournful

triste — sad, sorrowful

hi

welcome to sad boi hours with alex because he's having a lot of trouble putting out writing that doesn't suck, because apparently one of the side effects of covid involves even worse depression to add on to the depression i already have

but i lost a lot of weight so it's all gucci <333

no like seriously i haven't been this slim since i was 9---like i could ACTUALLY pass as not fat---pls i've been overweight (1-2kg overweight but STILL) for literal YEARS and it feels SO GOOD to NOT be overweight again,,,like,,,i literally lost 4kg in a few weeks and i haven't even been exercising omg

anygays. this chapter was crap. which is unsurprising at this point, because we all know i'm not a very good writer. #sendhelp no but like i have been s t r u g g l i n g so much with writing stuff and like??? idek why??? i'm just struggling??? even though i have a whole ass plan to follow??? AND GLITCHPAD MESSED UP MY CHAPTER ORDER (switched chapter 14 and 15) AND WON'T LET ME CHANGE IT BACK SO YEAH I'M STRUGGLING

fun fact: writing this chapter got so hard that i actually considered breaking up with my boyfriend for like an hour just to get emotional enough to write this. fun fact 2: i did not, because i love my boyfriend and i am not an a-hole. like, i'm a firm believer of method writing, as we can tell by the countless times i have hurt myself (whether accidentally or on purpose) just to be able to realistically write a certain scene, but i draw the line at hurting others to write. like, no. i'm not gonna break his heart and risk losing the best thing that ever happened to me just for a stupid post-breakup scene. i put on my sad song playlist and screamed at the walls for half an hour instead. which is much better. because i'm only hurting the walls.

anygays, please let me know what you thought of this chapter? did you love it? did you hate it as much as i did? give me your honest opinions, guys. i need feedback.

irrelevant but we FINALLY surpassed 50k words WHICH MEANS TSP IS OFFICIALLY A NOVEL WOOHOO

we are three story chapters and three bonus chapters (that's six chapters in total, for those who REALLY don't wanna math) from the end, and y i k e s. i am NOT looking forward to starting the editing process. (fun fact: i'm an editor in my spare time and i edit all my own books! fun fact 2: i actually hate editing with every fibre of my soul!) but. y'know. you gotta do what you gotta do. and what i gotta do is put out utter p e r f e c t i o n for everyone to read, because y'alls deserve nothing less.

anygays love y'alls mwah i promise i'll reply to comments s o o n take care of yourselves and stay hydrated or i'll kick your dehydrated asses

xoxo, Alex